Sexual abuse & rape

Sometimes no matter how hard we try to safeguard our children, our worst nightmare happens. I have talked to my children about what is right and what is wrong and have done so since they were little, but my worst nightmare happened to my youngest daughter a year ago when she was 14. My sister had just passed away so I sent my daughter to my niece's while we went and got her sister at college for the funeral. I thought she was in a safe place. While my niece was working, her husband came home while my daughter was babysitting their 2 girls, (ages 9months & 2 years), got my daughter drunk and raped her. She told the guidance counselor at school what had happened. I never expected to have my daughter tell me the horrible things he did to her. He ended up with 5 counts of aggravated felonious sexual assault against him and is in prison now. I cry inside everytime I think about this because I know the path that she has to take to heal and right now she is in the denial stage. I just don't want her to wait 37 yrs. like I did to deal with the situation. It is so much harder. She insists it hasn't affected her when I know it has because she has told me that she is afraid to say no to boys because when she did with my niece's husband he didn't listen so she's afraid the same thing will happen again. I have had a really hard time to make her understand and she has been promiscuous because of this. She is starting to come around as far as that goes but I find it hurts so much more seeing her go through this than going through my own stuff. We were having behavioral problems with her before any of this happened that it has been hell ever since. Sorry I have been going on and on but I needed to vent because I tried so hard to protect my children and I still failed.
Ican

restless,

There are some trustworthy people out there.  It's just so hard to figure out who is and who isn't.  You would think family members and people close to you would be the ones you could trust, but in most cases they are the ones who do us more harm.  I'm just hoping, in my daughter's case, that she receives help sooner than later.  She knows what I am going through, and maybe that is what scares her because she can see how hard and painful it is to get this stuff out.  She doesn't realize there is 37 years piled on top of what happened to me that has to be sorted out.  I can only keep pointing her in the right direction.  She has therapy, but it is court ordered because of other problems we are having with her, so she doesn't participate but resists it.  What I see in her is a constant reminder of what I feel in me.  It's hard sometimes to separate the two.

Ican

restless,

I hear you on the trust thing. You're right. What we experienced will never be forgotten. That will always be with us and it is something we cannot change.  What we can change though is the way it is affecting our lives.  It doesn't have to be the boulder around our neck for the rest of our lives. It's bad enough that our childhood's were taken, don't let them have our adulthood too. Take it back and don't give them another day. I agree they should be given a life sentence, their lives not ours.

Ican

I know where you are on that one. I am really in the dumps today. I could feel it coming on over the last few days. I know it has a lot to do with starting with a new therapist and rehashing my childhood. I don't like it when I feel this way. Today it seems like the medication I take isn't doing anything. I tried calling my therapist. She's out for the day. I tried calling my primary care physician and she is out for today. I have been trying to use my relapse prevention plan but I'm not having much luck with it. The key people I need to talk to aren't around. Well I shouldn't bore you with this stuff.
Ican

restless I'm hanging in there but sometimes I think it is from a really thin thread. I hate being in this place. Everything just seems so dark.
Ican

restless I've been told the same thing but that doesn't make it any easier. I feel the same way you do about it all going away. My therapist said until you process it, it will always be there trying to come back out. Gives you something to look forward to doesn't it. I guess I have a long road ahead.
Ican

Howlyncat,
I applaud you for confronting your abuser. It was a brave thing to do. I'm not sure if I want to confront mine. A lot of innocent people would get hurt in the process. I know that right now I'm not at that point in my healing where I could do that. Thanks for praying for us.
Ican

I sent my abuser a long letter a few years back. Told him what he did to me,how I will never get over it. And told him basically that if he goes to heaven I would rather be in hell.(he is a church goer). I never heard back from him,but didn't expect too. I look in the paper everyday too hopefully see his obit. My fantasy is to go to the funeral and stand up when they are saying what a great person he was and tell them what he did.
Not sure if I would be able to do that mentally,but it gives me hope.

Shy

I know restless it is a hard decision.

I had to confront my abuser at my Grandmothers funeral. My good friend had died 2 days earlier. My anxiety was through the roof as I knew "who" might be there. That was one of the hardest days in my life. I had not seen him since the rape. I sat in the back away from my mom's family. I left early, but he still had the nerve to call after me in the parking lot. I told him to Go to He!!. I had not come out of the closet yet with the abuse and my mom couldn't figure out why I didn't want to go back for the tea. This all rollarcoastered to the time when my husband had almost given up on me. I was scared he would leave. He had every right to. I forced myself to see a councillor, and tell my mom the truth about her sisters kid. I knew what it could do to their relationship. But after it was out, it was like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders and a good start to healing and getting on with my life.

It has been over 4 yrs now. I don't think about it daily like I used to. My relationship with my husband is now what its supposed to be. I can now be intimate and not think its dirty.

I wish the same for all you. We need to stop living in the past, because of the past. The future can be so much better.
Sassy

Restless, I'm soooo sorry you are going through this. My experience was minor compared to what you have endured. Maybe your hubby does not need to know the details, only that you are in pain. I never told my husband any details, just that it happened. I only told my councillor who is trained to respond and has heard it before. I feared my husband would see the rape in his head too and look at me differently.

For me, writting about it in a journal, a private journal, helped. Later, I burned it. That story was over for me. And I just wanted to stop always thinking about it. Because like you--the panic attacks would start.
Even seeing a tv show with scenes of abuse etc. could trigger attacks. Its out there, in music, books, movies and tv.

I am praying for you. Sassy

Restless
I don't think it ever goes away. That is something that will stay with us for the rest of our lives. All we can do is learn how to cope and try to get past it the best we can.


Shy