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Posted 3/20/2007 6:12 AM (GMT 0)

hi. i am just going to list the symptoms i have and if anyone can tell me anything, that would be great. i feel like something is wrong with me all of the time and i would just be so relieved if there was something i knew of that was causing all of this...

(first of all, i am female, 20 years old)

- depression (i think atypical) for around 4 years. being treated with lexapro and therapy

- anxiety, social and generalized

- low self esteem

- body dysmorphia

- past episodes of cutting, present obsession with cutting nails until they bleed

- nightmares

- night sweats

- on and off eating disorder NOS

- insomnia followed by hypersomnia

- circadian rhythm delayed sleep phase disorder

- acne, recurrent despite medication

- hair loss, very thin hair

- recurrent cavities

- very sensitive skin

- ovarian cysts, causing severe pain

do these all add up to something???? i feel like i am literally going insane most days. i can't help but imagine that someday i will be completely unable to function. I am only 20 years old, i should be a vibrant, bouncy, glowing young woman. but instead i feel like i am falling apart and completely disgusting.

any help, opinions or advice would be very helpful.

Post Edited (michele_beth) : 5/2/2007 2:06:33 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 3/20/2007 11:44 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Michelle,
Alot of that can be caused by depression. But,have you given this list to your doctor?
In order to be safe and get the correct treatment I would contact them right away and you could just simply print this list out so you don't forget anything.
Please call them and stay strong.

Keep us posted.

Shy
Posted 4/2/2007 6:35 AM (GMT 0)
hi, thank you for the advice shy. I did end up going to the doctor, but i was too afraid to tell her all of my symptoms. the main reason i went was to ask her why my hair was falling out so much. she suggested we get my blood drawn, and it turns out that i have hypothyroidism, which i guess explains some of the issues. i still feel like something is wrong with me all of the time. and i just feel like a complete mess. uhh its so frustrating. i know that hypothyroidism causes depression. now i'm just confused. i feel like the depression can't be real if it's only a symptom of something else. i just dont know what to think.

anyways, i just wanted to tell you that now that i've figured out what some of those symptoms were from.

okay, bye.

Posted 4/2/2007 9:53 AM (GMT 0)
Hi michele, Glad you went to the doctor, I do think you should go back and explain the rest of your symptoms though. A lot of your symptoms could be due to the thyroid problem but also depression and anxiety can cause these too. Talk to your doctor and she will be able to help you with this.
Posted 4/2/2007 9:26 PM (GMT 0)

Michelle,

In not sharing your symptoms, you may not get all the answers to your symptoms.  The thyroid problem may cover some of the symptoms you listed, but may not cover all of them.  You are probably trying to absorb what was thrown your way, and probably didn't want to hear about anything else.  But please don't be scared, especially if there are answers.

Best Wishes!  :-)

Posted 4/7/2007 6:59 AM (GMT 0)
i feel hopelessly screwed up. i feel like there is something somewhere inside of me that is wrong and can't ever be fixed. i cannot understand anything. and i cannot make anyone else understand. i feel like i am losing my mind. the only thing i can see in my future is nothing except these feelings and thoughts that i cannot get away from. i cannot picture myself being alive in the future. i cannot picture myself ever being different. i don't feel alive right now. i feel stuck like something inside of me needs to jump out and run. i want to just disappear. i want to just leave existence. i feel so messed up. i cannot make sense of myself. i cannot see myself as a human being. i cannot make the thoughts stop. i don't understand what they mean. i don't understand any of this. i don't want to live for the rest of my life this way. but there is no way out and no where to go. i feel like i am going crazy.
Posted 4/7/2007 12:32 PM (GMT 0)
Michele,
I am so sorry that you are still having a hard time.
When do you go back to the doctor? Did they prescribe and meds? Are you currently going to counseling?
I really think that if you are not you need to find a doctor right away and try to get some help.

How is your family as far as supporting you? Do you have any close friends that you can talk to?

Shy
Posted 4/10/2007 8:02 AM (GMT 0)
hi- yes i am on meds, i have been on lexapro for about a year and i am going to counseling... i go back in about a week... nobody really knows how much i am struggling, my family knows that im on meds and in counseling for depression, but i don't, or can't, talk to them about how i actually feel... and i dont think they really understand what depression is or how different it can feel for different people... i think they just think i am lazy and that i need to just suck it up. when i go to the doctor, i feel like i can't talk to her. or like i don't know how to describe anything i want to say.  i want to tell her the thoughts i have and how i feel so badly, but it's like i just can't. i just can't. i feel like maybe there is a disconnect between my thoughts and my words.... especially when i'm in a stressful situation like going to counseling... some things i can think about so clearly, like what i just wrote all makes sense to me... but then on another level i feel like i am going insane... like i can't make sense of ANYTHING in my head... my thoughts just don't even seem real sometimes, or i just feel so diconnected or like i'm not real or something... i just don't know. i just can't understand anything. i just want to know what is wrong with me. and if there isn't anything wrong then i guess i need to learn how to handle whatever it is i am feeling because i sure don't know how to right now. i just need to know if i am going crazy. and like what do i do, because i feel like i am going to explode or just completely shut off or if it just keeps going and going when does it stop? how much worse can it get? i'm just so confused....................................

thank you for listening, i'm sorry if i don't make sense.

Posted 4/10/2007 11:42 AM (GMT 0)
Michele,
Yes you make sense. You need to continue with the counseling and try to tell her what is going on in your head.
People that do not have depression really do not understand what is going on with us. They try,and some try to give advice,but unless you have been there you really have to make your own decisions and do what is right for you.
I don't think you are going crazy,you just need to figure out what triggered the depression and then start healing from it. It takes time,it is not something that we can just take a pill and have it go away. Wouldn't that be so much easier!!

I am sorry you are feeling so down,and I hope you can start to feel better.

Please keep us posted.

Shy
Posted 4/23/2007 7:18 AM (GMT 0)
hi, thank you everyone who wrote back to me about my last posts.

i have a question.

how do you know if your meds are working? like will you be able to feel noticably different? or like what if you think you feel better but then you don't again? or maybe you just have absolutely no idea how you feel? are there any signs that maybe they aren't working? i feel so different all the time that i just don't know what to think.

Posted 4/23/2007 11:59 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Michele,
I think that when you have been so down with depression you really forget how to feel better.
We get so caught up in our bad feelings and it is hard to get back on track.
After I met my b/f and moved in,it took me 2 years before it finally hit me one day...I was standing outside talking to him and all of a sudden I realized I was safe and happy.
If you are able to wake up and look forward to the day,and go to bed without dreading the next day,then I think you are getting better.
If you are able to do things that you enjoy and feel really good about it,then I think you are on the right track.
Being able to laugh without faking it,smile without faking it. Hug someone and not want to cringe.
Everyone is different on feeling good I guess,and you just have to take it one day at a time.
I hope this helps,I am sure the other members will have their own feeling better stories too.


Shy
Posted 4/25/2007 12:31 AM (GMT 0)
ShynSassy,
That was a great answer. When alone we tend to dwell on how bad we feel and after many months we are sure we will never get better and you are right. One day you realize things have improved.
________________________________________________________________
Michele,
I agree with the others that feel you need to take your list of sympotoms to your physician. The depression from hypothryroid is real depression and you may be having some other side effects from meds etc. It is best to tell your physician everything as you are paying the bill
Posted 4/25/2007 1:41 AM (GMT 0)
ShynSassy-
great reply to michelle but how do you get to that point? i've seen my daughter feel exactly that way and verbalize it, everything is great but it only takes a small amount of time before she is down and there is nothing you can do to bring her back.
Posted 4/25/2007 12:05 PM (GMT 0)
I am not sure how I got to that point at all. Believe me,I wish I knew because there are times that I really have to drag myself back up. It would be alot easier if I knew how.
Depression is a very harsh disease,and it takes us down in many ways. And everyone copes in their own ways.

As for your daughter so worried,just make sure she knows that you love her and will be there for her(like I am sure you are already doing) and give her time.


Shy
Posted 5/2/2007 8:03 AM (GMT 0)
thank you for all the replies about how you know if you are getting better. by what you said shy, i honestly can't say that i can look forward to each day without dreading it, or that i do things i enjoy and feel really good about and most of the time i feel like i am faking smiles, faking everything. i'm not trying to be so down, i guess i'm just trying to understand how others feel when they are feeling better compared to how i feel. that seems really dumb after i said it because everyone is different. anyways, im still really confused, i don't know how i feel at all.

i know i skip around a lot. but i was thinking about something else. that maybe i have just always been so lost, and never knew who i was, that i identify myself as just someone with depression, and that is who i am and that is why i act the way i act and that is why i think the way i think. and it was almost a relief to be diagnosed and to continue to be told that i am depressive, because it gives me a reason for the way i am. i feel validated. and i feel like i am so afraid to someday "be normal" even though "not normal/depressive" is beyond awful, because if i am normal then who i am. at least when i feel this way, i feel ... like something... instead of nothing.

does anyone know what i mean?
Posted 5/2/2007 11:58 AM (GMT 0)
I so know what you mean.
My depression started at the age of 10 I think. Abusive mom,then being sexually molested at the very young age of 12.
I don't remember ever being happy as a child. I don't remember birthday parties or great Christmas gifts,I think I was just surviving at a very young age.
Then I married at 17,had my daughter at 18,and stayed with a man for 13 years that used me as his personal punching bag.
I am now 37,and finally not taking meds and can actually laugh and smile and I am safe.
It was a long road,and I have to be very careful to stay healthy and not slip back into depression.
My b/f is a perfect candidate for depression meds,but he refuses. And when he is down he takes it out on me sometimes and I have to call him on it.But not until I feel myself spiraling again.
Depression is something we have to control. Even after knowing what triggered it,ect ect.
The meds help with the symptons of depression,but you have to be able to get in your head to tame it.

I hope that makes sense,sometimes my thoughts and fingers go a hundred miles an hour.

Shy
Posted 5/2/2007 3:07 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Michele,

If you're still feeling no different after a year on Lexapro, maybe it's time to consider new meds.

Also, try getting a bottle of children's chewable vitamins and taking one a day. It sound like your body could really use them and they taste great!

The most important thing to remember is that IT WILL PASS. There will be good days again, I promise. You just have to keep holding on and don't stop trying. Find a medication that works for you and a doctor or therapist that you feel comfortable with. It may feel like you're jumping through burning hoops at times, but it will be worth it.

If you get a chance, try to sit in the sun today (put a hat on if you have to).

GM
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