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FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF DEPRESSION - THE PERSPECTIVE OF ONE WITHOUT DEPRESSION

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Posted 5/10/2007 10:25 PM (GMT 0)
I'm new to this site but I have been reading it for some time.  I just want to offer my viewpoints or field questions from those that are trying to understand what their mate is going thru in terms of a mate that does not have depression but lives or loves someone that does.  I loved someone that had depression even though I do not have it and it was one of the hardest things that I ever had to go thru even though my pain was NOTHING compared to what my Girlfrind had to live w/ daily in her fight w/ her depression.  God gave me a gift w/ a very large "string" attached to it.  This string was depression.  I watched this woman that I would walk to the end of the Earth for implode before my eyes.  We became one which meant I felt every emotion she felt when dealing w/ this demon.  I too have the scars of D that will never heal.  I too have lost a part of me that will never be replaced.  I too questioned my Faith as too why such a trick could be placed upon me by God.  To be given such a wonderful person with such a life changing illness.  I've fought side by side and for the first time in my life I can honestly say I was beat down by this monster something that was all new to me.  Each time I stood I was beat down again but I refused to lay down until I just couldn't stand anymore.  I was emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted.  I eventually lost the person and in return I lost a sense of who I was. I threw in the towel as a "quitter" something too that I never did before.  I live with this everyday. I pray to God everyday that he forgives me. I was able to "quit" as an option but she doesn't have this luxury.  She is forced to live w/ her depression every day.  You see, people w/ depression are MY HEROES.  You elect to get up every day to fight this Demon and not quit as I did. You truly are Gods Heroes.  Don't ever forget how strong you are. Please take this from someone that respects your fight. God Bless.
Posted 5/10/2007 10:40 PM (GMT 0)
Strengthin1
First of all welcome to the forum I am very glad that you found us.

Thank you for your words,it will mean alot to everyone here.
I am sorry for your loss and I hope you the best in finding your way.


Shy
Posted 5/11/2007 12:06 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Strengthin1, Let me extend my welcome to you also.  I am very sorry for all you have gone through.  Though we sometimes dont realize it at times depression does effect everyone around us.  I just wanted to say to you, that you sound as if you did all you could for your gf and your relationship.  Please dont blame yourself for quitting the relationship.  Sometimes in life we are faced with things and situations that we dont know how to deal with or just cant deal with so either we bend or we break.  Perhaps it's how you pick yourself back up and carry something from it to learn by that really means anything...I dont know? 

You and your insight are always welcome here please do feel free to keep posting. :-)  

Posted 5/11/2007 12:27 AM (GMT 0)

Elisha,

Thank you for the kind words and the open invitation.  I feel that I really don't have a right to express myself in such that my pain pales in comparison to what the others face daily.  I almost feel guilty for expressing my own feelings omongst those that have hurt so deeply. You are correct though I have "broken" but I feel that if I can but add some comfort to those that need it and in return I too get some comfort in what's happened then maybe in some small way I can help make a difference. I read a saying the other day that went something like "to the World you may only be one person but to one person you may be the World".  Hopefully we all we find some piece within this Forum.  Thank you again for the warm welcome.

Posted 5/11/2007 1:25 AM (GMT 0)
sad  Strengthn1,

 I feel that pain that you are referring too.  I lost the love of my love to depression and I will never let go of the love we shared.  I blame myself every day for what I did while being depressed.  I love him so much and miss him everyday.  I  am dying of a broken heart as he goes on with his life.  There is not a day goes by that I dont miss his smile and the special love that we shared.  I die a little every day knowing that I have forever ruined what he loved about me.  I don't know if you are anyone else experiences what we had but I will tell you this, once you love like that you will never love again.  He has told me to go on with my life because that is what is best but although life is what I make it, there is no him no love.  I guess what I am trying to say is never lay down and understand and listen everyday to that person that is  lost without that you "person" that was always the rock even when you felt weak, you never were in their eyes, remember that!!!!  With depression it always has an ugly way of controlling your feelings and emotions.

Thank you for your input and welcome.  I however cannot really offer any advice or input as I grieve my loss every day.

Teresa

Posted 5/11/2007 1:50 AM (GMT 0)
Good Night Teresa. Pray for Better Dayz. . . .
Posted 5/11/2007 12:44 PM (GMT 0)
sad  Thank you stengthn1,

I appreciate your concern but my better dayz are no longer.  I know it sounds pathetic but this dull ache in my heart will not go away.  Like i said, I die a little everyday and my doctor even has taken the low road out of my life and turned off my vns(implant for depression).  I wait for the day when my physical (blood pressure) either takes my heart over (from my broken heart) or the love of my life whom will never be replaced, comes back.

 

People say that I am crazy to feel this way and that they  have never seen someone love another so much, I usually just say well you know, when you love like I do, there is no other way to be but "crazy".

 

This site has been a great place for me to post.  I dont  know if your girlfriend had the VNS like I do but there is a site that can give you info on that.  If you are interested.

 

This site is a place where I have learned alot about myself and what has happened to me over the last year.  I learned things I didnt even think about. 

 

I dont know what your relationship is like with your girlfriend but if you love her, really love her never give up no matter what, they say life does get better for us, but like your quote, that one person could be you in her life, think about it.

 

Take care and like I continue to say , "NEVER LOSE THE FAITH BECAUSE FAITH IS THE LIGHT IN THE DARKNESS.  I look for brighter days I guess my better days will come when my faith comes full circle with the things hoped for.

 

 

Posted 5/11/2007 1:05 PM (GMT 0)
Theresa n Strenthen 1
I lost the love of my life, my soulmate,, my hubby, lover, father of my boys and my BEST fiend in 1979 to a car accident

I grieved for yrs and yrs n I never ever thought I could love again because of the " special and honest full love we had shared"

I was soooooo wrong and I almost lost the chance of a second time around I was given a man that worships the ground I walk on has taken my daughter and son as his own and has been thru hell and back with many illnesses I have depression is one I have some very serios others I dont talk about here but my point is this

YOU can find another to love........not the same way never but still you can love again and be loved you just have to be open and find that right person....

I had so many walls up I nearly lost him because of it I know that I made the right decision when I fell in love again as I know Rick would not want me wallowing alone and missing life ...
Just my opinion
All are different
.
Posted 5/11/2007 2:36 PM (GMT 0)
sad  Hi Howl,

I appreciate your post and I know exactly what you are talking about.  However, I am not sure what strengthn1's feelings are towards his ex as he has stated that he let her go and I am sure that he has found the foundations of letting others into his life and will try to love again.  For me, I have had the opportunity to move forward with my life but my heart and soul wont allow me to do so.  I do not mean to sound callous or hard but in my case my soulmate, my everything has not passed away and down deep inside although he has stated that he wants me to go on and said things to me that will forever hurt my heart, I will NOT ever have believe that he would ever want me to share the things with another like we shared.  And for that he is right.  I will swallow my pride and say that I will never stop mourning our love.  If I had just one more chance to make things right, I would not hesitate to make sure that this man never leaves my life again on my own doing.  I guess there are a lot of issues that others dont understand that cannot even fathom the difference that this love had.

 

I am so sorry for your loss but for me, as long as this man walks this earth I will never give up my FAITH that he knows that I and only I will love him like he deserves although in the past I did not show it with dishonesty and this stupid depression.

 

As I said I cannot speak for strengthn1 but for me my life has no love in it without him.  In my other posts I have talked to other posters about how my misguidings and stupidity hurt me, I stand true to those posts. 

 

It might be a weakness but the one thing I know is this.........when I lost my love I lost my soulmate, the angel that shared a wing with me (now I have both wings, broken in spirit and will never fly again), my biggest support (everytime I look at my VNS implant I cry because I think it so ugly, he used to say it was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen)  I lost a family that meant the world to me, a future stepdaughter who I still miss and cherish by looking at her pictures.  So you see I guess what we shared is different than most and I will not be whole without him.  If he never comes back I will be empty the rest of my life.  I am sure people will come and go in my life as that is life's "cure" for loneliness but noone, I mean noone will ever replace what I have in my heart and soul.

 

I am sorry Howl that I am so long winded this morning but this is an emotional issue for me and I havent felt this passionate about my illness until I saw a post from a person that cared enough about the one he loved to write to us.  I only hope that like me, he never lets go of the chance to love that person again and not to settled for the loves that come and go in his life.  I know that I will not settle for any love but the love I deserve, his love and that will never change.

 

Thanks Howl for your input and I pray for your new relationship.  It sounds as if you are doing good.  God bless you.

Posted 5/11/2007 4:37 PM (GMT 0)
Strengthin1, your most welcome and please do know that your insight is always valuable here.  So dont feel any guilt what so ever for posting on this forum, you were touched by depression and it is important for us to see all sides of it.

The dynamics of any relationship is always difficult to explain then when you throw in one person who has depression and that compounds matters even more.  It is confusing and very hard to navigate the why's and what for's. 

I have had major depression for a very long time.  Since I was 18 I started on antidepressants and was mostly consistent with taking them but there were times when I did take myself off for whatever reasons I dont recall but I always fell back into that deep depressive state either within a few months or within a year at least.  Then I would go back to the doc and take my meds again.

I started to date a guy when I was 19 and fell in love with him (he had two kids already and was 4yrs older then me).  After a few months I moved in with him and we lived together for 7 years then got married.  He of course knew I had depression and my cycle that I explained above...but he never supported me taking medication as he didnt think that a pill helped anything.  I just ignored that and took my meds anyway.  A year and half into our marriage I was diagnosed with MS and became very ill this didnt help my depression any.  I was sick all the time and working all the time with a demanding job.  It is difficult to explain what kind of changes I was going through but everything shifted for me.  I started keeping to myself, not wanting to talk to my husband, feeling like when I did he wasnt listening to what I was really saying, feeling isolated.  So I isolated myself from him physically and emotionally.  I cant say if our relationship was meant to work out or not, maybe it was meant to be a learning experiance or maybe we just were not right for each other...who know's?  But, I did eventually end up leaving him 3 months before our 5th anniversary.  I knew if I stayed one more day in that house we bought together I wouldnt see the next as my depression had gotten that bad.  He didnt understand and still doesnt to this day 3 years after our divorce.  We have been able to become friends and talk but it is difficult as I do still love him in some ways.  But being "in love with him" I'm not any longer as I know I had to let that go so I could go on with my life and he with his.

I have dated a few guys and since I am picky they havent worked out.  But I am 33 and dont worry so much about finding love or anything like that.  If it is going to happen it will and if it doesnt then I am fine on my own...I actually kind of like it.  I needed this time to find my strength and what and who I am.  Also, not to be ruled by my depression or defined by it.  That is so very important to me.

Sorry I have rambled here and most likely bored everyone eyes

Have a wonderful day :-)

Posted 5/12/2007 2:46 PM (GMT 0)
:-)  ELS~

Strengthn1 is a exceptional person who has so much to offer us!  In my opinion, anyone going through depression with a person that is severely depressed, we should take note to anything he has to offer.  There are not many people in this world that would stand by a loved one and have not only the courage, but the unconditional love that only 2% of this world could give!

 

It is my hope that he continues to stay with us and keep our Faith alive.

 

After all, Faith for some of us is all we have in this crazy world.

 

Thank you strengthn1, maybe we all can learn and accept things we did not know.

 

It is my faith that better days are near.

 

God bless you!

Posted 5/12/2007 3:15 PM (GMT 0)
CONGRATULATIONS ON BEING PICKED FOR "THE SELECTED POST" by the Healingwell site!

Quite an honor!

Posted 5/12/2007 3:58 PM (GMT 0)

faithfully4you said...
:-)  ELS~

Strengthn1 is a exceptional person who has so much to offer us!  In my opinion, anyone going through depression with a person that is severely depressed, we should take note to anything he has to offer.  There are not many people in this world that would stand by a loved one and have not only the courage, but the unconditional love that only 2% of this world could give!

 

It is my hope that he continues to stay with us and keep our Faith alive.

 

After all, Faith for some of us is all we have in this crazy world.

 

Thank you strengthn1, maybe we all can learn and accept things we did not know.

 

It is my faith that better days are near.

 

God bless you!

faithfully, I am not sure why you decided to single out me toward Strengthn1 here.  If you go back and read what I have posted you would clearly see that I have encourged him to keep posting here and that his insight and comments from what he has gone through is most helpful for us all.  My last post was simply explaining what happened in my own relationship/marriage due to my depression and how it slanted my feelings.  Unlike Strengthn1, my husband wasnt supportive and never had been...maybe my depression clouded my judgement in some of those areas and perhaps I stayed for so long as I felt I couldnt do any better?  I dont know...  But I have supported Strength in posting here and I dont want anyone to think or feel like I havent. 

Posted 5/12/2007 4:06 PM (GMT 0)
Elisha,
please understand that post was directed to strengthn1, not you. I know that you encourage, please by no means take my last post as a negative to you, it was not meant as such.
Sorry.
Posted 5/12/2007 4:08 PM (GMT 0)

Okay dear :-)   I miss understood...no harm done.  Have a wonderful weekend! ~ Hugs

Elisha

Posted 5/12/2007 4:13 PM (GMT 0)
:-)  Ok you too!  You are a great mod and your opinions are greatly acknowledged and appreciated.  Sometimes I type to fast for my brain to compose tongue !

Have a great mother's day if it applies and enjoy the sunshine where ever you are!!!!!!

Posted 5/12/2007 11:03 PM (GMT 0)
Awww, Thank you Teresa your too kind!  I am only a mother to a fat furry cat Normandy but, it is almost the same as having a child I think...He is pretty demanding.  You have a good mother's day too (if you have kids, of any kind  tongue )!!

 

Posted 5/15/2007 6:32 PM (GMT 0)
Strengthin1 - I can't comment on what you have been through because only you were there. I can say that it is not good for you to idealize the situation. It is what it is and what it is is very difficult. That is the reality. You have to let go of the past, that is not the same thing as forgetting it. Forgive yourself, you are only huyman and we can only do the best we can do. Life doesn't always work out the way we want it to, that doesn't mean that we have to punish ourselves forever over it.
Posted 5/15/2007 6:52 PM (GMT 0)
Actually I have to say that unless you experience what some couples experience, you cant always let go of what you did or didnt do.  I think that there are couples out there that love so deeply that when they are beat by something they they never dreamed of,,,well then I think it would be fair to say that yes we forgive but to let go of the past is sometimes the hardest part because the past as bad as it was holds some of the dearest memories.

 

Maybe that is where strengthn1 is coming from.  It is always easier said than done in the heat of the moment or in time itself to let go of what you hold partial accountability for.  I agree that strengthn1 should not be sorrowful that this beast as we know it was successful in hurting what he loved but I think it takes a big person to admit that they truly loved someone and would have done anything they could.

 

I also agree that strengthn1 did, in my opinion what he thought he could do and for that he is commended!!

 

The only thing more powerful than love that hurts is depression.

 

Learning what I know now with my life, I can only pray that God's plan is to bless me with a second chance in all that I hold dear.

 

"Chaos, breakdowns, and difficulties are some of God's greatest gifts. Bad news is, in fact, the primary driver of creativity and transformation, in our own lives as well as thoughout the entire history of life. Only trust in the Whole of Reality (which includes chaos) offers the "peace that passes all understanding." Believing certain things about the Bible, or God, or Jesus, or anything else, is all well and good. But if your heart doesn't trust that chaos is usually grace in disguise, beliefs alone will not sustain you when chaos comes your way. "

Posted 5/17/2007 12:46 AM (GMT 0)
Where are you?
Posted 5/17/2007 3:39 PM (GMT 0)
Sorry I have not been able to respond to the great comments everyone has posted to my initial post. I have been on vacation all week (and still am!) so I am somewhat out of touch right now. I have had an opportunity to reflect on what you've said. Will catch up later.
Posted 5/18/2007 12:37 AM (GMT 0)
sad  Thanks for writing back.  I am sure you are having a great time, I am sorry if I bothered you :(

Take care.

 

Posted 5/18/2007 1:45 AM (GMT 0)
Your not a bother.  It's raining here so I decided to stay in for the evening.  I've been running all week so a break will do me some good.

Posted 5/18/2007 6:52 AM (GMT 0)
:-)  Yes, it is what like 230 in the morning and here I am feeling really bad.  My sister is getting ready to have a biopsy done on her brain so this is kind of my link to her schedule for Duke.  I was glad to see a note from you.  It actually made me smile, not much does these days as I have way to many nights like this one.

 

Sorry it is raining where ever you are but you know that you dont always need to go a hundred miles an hour!  I used to tell someone that all the time in hopes that I could get some extra time with him!

 

Anyway, I read your post and gave it great thought.  I am speechless for now because there are so many things that I can relate to with you.  I however, will NEVER give up on the one that loved and still do coming back. No matter what anyone says.  I love him so much and miss him more every day that if I would ever be in a relationship with anyone (like that will happen) if he would come back, I would never think twice about making things right because whether or not he wants to hear it there are things that he has no idea that I have gone through with the issues that tore us apart.  I will take responsibility for what happened but there is so much more to it.  I know that I dont deserve to have a man like him in my life because I am not worthy of what I had with him.  I cant go on, I cant feel, I am like stone, all I do is cry.  I guess the biggest thing for me is this, we had a love that noone but the 2%'s have in this whole world.  There are people that have not even half the love that normal people have and can get through trials.  All I know is that I have learned a thousand times over what I needed to learn and I seek help every day for reasons. 

 

I know that security was an issue for me and somehow I lost that when in my eyes I became a secret to everyone in his life.  It is hard to explain but I sent a letter trying to explain how I felt.  There is not a second in the day when I dont think of him and cry.  I mean really cry!!

 

I wont ramble because I have to go to bed I should have been there hours ago but I will say this, if this wonderful man ever decides that I am worthy of another chance,,,,,I would never and I mean NEVER give up on what I know in my heart is what God intented me to have.  If that never happens then I will live every day for the rest of my life going through life with meaningless emotions and with an empty soul.  Maybe that is what I deserve.

 

Thanks for listening to me.

 

Good night

waiting on better dayz..........

 

" We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another."
Luciano de Crescenzo

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