I think my depression has totally torn my marriage apart!!!!

Hello Alicia,

Maybe part of the problem is that you have depresion and this is creating tension in your Marriage.  I know this may be a long shot b/c I do not suffer from Depression but I was in a relationship w/ a woman that I love dearly that did.  I found myself caught up in emotions that I never felt before  that almost killed me.  From the "other side" please seek medical attention to try to make sense of exactly what you are  experiencing.  I've been reading this forum for months and I feel for those that have depression b/c even though I do not have it this is the most terrible disease I have ever seen someone have to live with.  It cost me the most precious thing in my life and I will never be whole again as a result and this is small compared to what my Ex has to live with every day.  Keep the Faith. 

Thank you so much to everybody that replied.  I really appreciate it. 

I know, only 2 years of marriage and he is not happy already and to tell you the truth I am not happy right now either.  This is no the way that I expected my life to be. 

He is wanting me to just be happy again and forget about everything he said.  I gained about 10 pounds in the last 5 months or so and I am not happy with my body image.  I have been trying to go for walks with the kids, but I am having trouble finding time between naps and also me working from home (I am a medical transcriptionist from home - I work when my kids nap).  He tells me that he hasn't seen me doing anything about the weight issue and until I do I won't be happy and he won't be happy. 

Also, since he has told me that he wanted a divorce and that I wasn't the person that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, I have had trouble with being intimate with him.  He told me that he is not happy with our sex life.  Which I do see his point as well, but how am I suppose to just jump into bed with him after everything.  I can't and I won't.  He says that if I do not change that part he is not going to live that way and he wants a divorce. 

Also, when I have something planned and I have asked him if he will stay with the kids for a couple of hours he always ends up getting mad for some reason or another and leaves so that I cannot do what I have planned.   I don't know if that is his way of keeping me from doing things or what.  I do not get it.

We always have issues every single day and I am getting tired of fighting every single day.  I know they are not major issues, but if we can't even sort through those we won't be able to do anything.  He tells me a lot that I won't be able to live on my own without him, which is kind of true.  That is what makes it hard for me to decide what to do.  If I leave I do not know if I will be able to support the kids.  The cost of living where I am is ridiculous. 

Anytime anything comes up that we have planned together we always fight, always.  It is always the simplest things that we find to fight about.  Anytime we go out with some of his friends, he always leaves me sitting by myself and does not even acknowledge me at all. 

I want someone who loves me for who I am and who constantly reminds me of how much he cares about me and how lucky he is to have me.  I want someone who will hold my hand in front of his friends.  I want someone who calls me beautiful instead of hot.  My husband will have nothing nice to say about me all day and then when he feels like he wants sex, he is the nicest person you will ever find.  I hate that.  It makes me angry.  I really do not feel like kissing the lips that have been talking "crap" all day to me.  If that makes sense. 

I don't have anymore time right now, but I will keep you posted. 

I do not want to just through this marriage away, but it is really toxic right now to me and the kids.  Right now at this point in time, I want out and he has told me time and time again that he wants out as well.  Where I live it takes months to get a counselor and he refuses to go to one, because he says that he doesn't have the problem, I do. 

Anyways, thanks again for all of the posts.  I really do appreciate it.  I know some of these things that I have wrote above seem so minor that it shouldn't be causes this must stress in our relationship, but it does and I do not know how to fix it. 

Thanks,

Tell him he can have his divorce, if he takes custody of the kids. That'll shut him up. He wants to be footloose and fancy free again. Well that doesn't happen after you have children. It's time for him to grow up. Does he realize if you get divorced that most of his paycheck will go to you and the boys? Maybe once you explain that to him he'll be willing to change too. I'd definitely start with marriage counseling. Try your best to make it work. You both have so much built up anger that you can't even talk to each other. You need someone else to help you get to the bottom of it all, find out where the resentment started. Once that gets out in the open, hopefully the two of you can learn to talk about what's bothering you before it starts to fester. Good luck!

PS. Try taking 5-HTP for weight loss, just 50mg a day for a week then maybe 100mg a day.

GM

Alicia, Your story is like a mirror image of my and my husbands marriage. Only we have been married for 9 years. Just recently I did apply for a divorce because I was tired of all the negativity in our life and the though of what it was doing to our two children. My husband has had serious mood swings since we have been together always blaming everything on me. We have since reconciled but he admitted that maybe he had a chemical imbalance and has sought help. Yesterday he was diagnosed with cystic depression. Last year I was seriously depressed and believed him that all our problems were my fault. Since then I have found out that I have a hypoactive thyroid. I guess what I am trying to say is yes maybe you are depressed, But there also maybe something wrong with him and if you truely love him and he you - you will find a way to get through this together! Beleave me I know!! Good luck with everything I know it is a tough road.

 

I do have a job.  I am a medical transcriptionist and I work from home.  It is difficult to have the kids around and try to work, but it beats paying a babysitter.  I also work at the local clinic some nights of the week.  It is only a couple of days a week, but it is something.  I do not want my kids to go to a babysitter because that would mean $1000/month would go to that for me to work full-time.  It is not worth it.  I have looked a bit into the housing authority here, but they are quite busy.  They told me that since I am a single mother that I would be put to the top of the list, so I do have an option there. 

My husband is a good dad.  I do not want to make him sound like a bad dad.  He is perfect with them, except for the fact that he sometimes puts me down in front of them or starts an argument when they are around.  I do not agree with that. 

I have been reading a lot online about depression and marriages.  I have learned a lot and now I just want to make sure that I am financially stable before I go out on my own if that is the case.  If he agrees to go to a counselor I will give it 100% to try to fix this marriage, but if he doesn't agree to it, I think it is probably over.  I do not want to be the only one who is trying to fix it.  He has to realize that he has things he has to change as well.  I know I am not perfect and I have things to work on as well.  I have to get my depression under control.  I have always wondered that if I was on my own and away from the stressors from him that maybe I would get better. 

Thanks for writing. 

Alicia
While reading your post a couple of major things jumped out at me. Him starting a fight before you plan on leaving somewhere,him telling you that you will not make it on your own,and him saying he will take the kids.... it is called mental abuse
He for some reason is trying to break you down but using harsh words and controlling you.

I was married for 13 years to a man that did the same crap...along with alot of other things. After 13 years of mental and physical abuse I left. It took alot of will. But,I made it without him and have never been happier.

In order for you to get better you have got to change your environment. You home is not happy. You do not have to live like this at all.
No matter what he tells you,you will make it on your own. You will have rough times,but it will never be as bad as what you are going through now.


Shy

My husbands father is a real treat as well.  More and more lately I can see his dad in him, if you get what I mean.  He is acting more and more like him every day.  His mother and father divorced when he was young.  It was not a good divorce.  His father was abusive physically, mentally and emotionally to his mother.  I do not want my marriage to end up like theirs did, but it is well on its way already.  My husband is not physically abusive in any way at all.  I want to be happy so bad.  The way it is going right now I am not happy.  We went out with a group of friends on Friday night.  To the bar, which I know is not a good place to get your relationship better, but we thought that it would be fun to go out again since it has been so long.  I now remember why we didn't go out together anymore.  Every time we go out it ends up with us getting kicked out of the bar because he fights.  He told me this morning that he doesn't even remember most of it.  Not because he was drunk though, because he didn't drink that much.  I told him that he could have just been the better man and walked away, but he said that that is not who he is.  It makes me so mad that he has to fight whenever we go out.  He just doesn't understand.  He thinks it makes him look like the better man by kicking the crap out of somebody.  I don't get it.  I am tired of it. 

Well since today is Mother's Day he told me that he would take me out for breakfast with the kids, which was really nice.  Except since I didn't want to have sex this morning, because he was a dink to me all day yesterday, he decided that I was going to have to do everything by myself today.  He didn't want to do anything with me because I wouldn't have sex.  It is so frustrating. 

Well, I think that is enough venting for today. 

Alicia, TexJen took the words right out of my mouth.  Control Freak....getting mad when you have plans, making comments about weight, etc.  I'm all over these boards as I, like most folks have more than one diagnosis.  Depression is one of them and your story stands out to me.  Which came first, the chicken or the egg?  Sounds so familiar to me.  I was dx'd many years ago and it has been the "scapegoat" for many of our problems.  Now I see that many of those problems were in place long before I could put my finger on depression.  Several years ago my hubby said and did the very same things and had an affair with my best friend.  Soon after it all "hit the fan" he was dx'd with bi-polar disorder.  So much for scapegoats.  Now he had one of his very own to lean on.  Long story short.....after much therapy, individual and together, we are still in the same house, both still addressing own individual needs with our docs, therapy as needed and psychs of our own.....his frustration with HIS shortcomings are just that...his.  When someone is making you 100% responsible for his happiness, there's a problem.  My hubby once made a comment about my weight and I told him that as soon as I lost it he'd have to move out since it was such an issue. 

I'm taking your situation very seriously.  I feel for you.  I support you.  Take care of yourself and your children.  He might have to go find another brick wall to to beat his head on.  Boo

Alicia
Ok hon...listen to me for a second...take a deep deep breath.
I was married for 13 years to a man that sounds somewhat like your husband. The big difference is mine decided to use me as his personal punching bag to get what he wanted. Sex,not buying the kids their extra treats at the store,the house not being completely spotless after I had worked a 10 hr day..you name it.
I could not go anywhere without him either following me or calling. If I took the kids to my mom's he was calling within 10 minutes of us arriving. Go to work,he would call me numerous times throughout the day.
He told me I would never make it without him,no one would want me....and he would take my kids and run.
I did not eat,I was popping anti depressants left and right just to get through the day.
My family had no idea how he really was,and basically was too worried about how my divorce would affect their lives.
I finally had enough one morning,woke up..made his coffee and set it in front of him. Told him I was leaving at that was that.
It has been 6 years since I left that man,and I have never been happier or healthier.
Now...MOST important.
My kids were older,but I still thought that I had hidden all of the bad things from them. I didn't. My daughter was only 13 at the time,and she looked at me while we were driving to the store to get boxes and said "mom,about time you did this". Imagine my shock.
Your kids feel the stress,they hear the fights..they lay in bed wondering what is going to happen. They wish for better days.
It is not a healthy environment for them. Especially sons. To see their dad treat their mom like that? What kind of role model is that?
If he is looking at divorce..then let him. Let him be the one that shovels the money for the lawyers.
But,before he does that....you need to sit down and write EVERYTHING down that he has ever said or done to you that is not right...why? because when the time comes to tell someone then you will probably forget..mostly due to nerves.
Next,sit down and write up a basic plan on what you are going to do when it happens. You will need a temporary place to live for a few months...this is not the time to be vain,lean on your family. They will be there for you.
You have a job so you are ok with that..money will be tight for a few months but you will learn how to overcome that.
Make him pay his dues...if he carries the health insurance for the kids,make sure it is in the settlement that he continues to do just that. Make him pay the full amount that your state recommends of child support.

Now....... remember it is time to look out for you and your kids. He is on his own.


Shy

Alicia, it doesnt sound like your depression has torn your marriage apart, your HUSBAND has done that. This is a difficult thing to do sweetpea, but it inst as awful as your imagination makes it out to be. Been there, done that. My 1st husband was VERY much like your husband sounds. We were married for 10 years when I woke up one day and decided I couldnt do this anymore. I couldnt do it because NOTHING i did made him happy, and in the process I almost lost myself, if that makes any sense to you. My point is this: I have a feeling that IF you decide for YOU and your boys to end this marriage, you routlook is going to brighten up a whole lot. ANYONE in your position would be depressed. You can do this alicia. Your children deserve to have their mom whole and happy. IMHO contrary to the popular view, it is NOT always better to stay for the kids. Keep us posted, keep talking and best wishes for you sweetpea. We're here for you always :)

PS  Watch Oprah tomorrow at 4:00. She is having a tory about staing in abusive realtionships "for the kids" and what harm that can actually cause them.

My 2 cents, came from a divorced family and I have been divorced twice. Do not, I repeat, do not stay together because of your children. That is a cop out. Your children are suffering way more than you can possibly imagine. They hear and see the arguments, they try to go to sleep at night and they hear the same thing. Its day in & day out nearly. They sense both something being wrong with both you and the husband. What you don't realize is they are being damaged right now and it can affect them with alot of things when they get older. Trust me on this one. My mother stayed in an abusive marriage for 18 yrs because of us kids. She was old school too. Unfortunately, that staying in the marriage affected all of us kids horribly as adults.

 

One good healthy stable parent is better than two parents in a disfunctional environment. The kids feel at this point that they actually have neither of you.

 

My 1st husband was similar in many ways of yours. After 9 yrs of marriage and being told how I could not make it w/o him, no other man would want me and these brats, well honey I fooled him. It was hard, I went back to work infact I worked 2 jobs, but guess what I made it w/o him or his child support he would not pay. He lived in another state and they didn't enforce it so much back then like they do now. He has no idea how much his mouthing really spurred me on to prove him wrong. lol.

 

Good luck and lots of hugs coming your way. Susie 

Marriage is a tricky thing y'know. But it takes two. I've been married for almost 9 years and I have come very close to walking out at least twice. But I dragged my husband to counselling. He was definitely resistant at first but in the end, we've always managed to get our marriage back on track. One thing you said that I could totally relate to was when you got pregnant, he wanted you to have an abortion. The difference is, when I got pregnant and refused to have the abortion, he walked out and has never been seen again. As I read your story, I see what could've been had he decided to stay. And I feel for you something terrible. Do you think that perhaps part of the problem is that he resents you for putting him in the position he is in today? I know it takes two to tango, but when kids come into the picture everything changes. And it's easier for him to blame you than accept his own responsibilities for the role he played and then the choices he's made because of those responsibilities. I know from my own experience, that part of my problem is dealing with the resentment I have towards my kids, particularly my son. I love them. But having my son when I did prevented me from moving on with my schooling, following my dreams, and any social life I had, I completely lost. My friends were off travelling, enjoying University/College life, while I was changing diapers. I'm not saying what your husband is doing is right. Cause it's not. He helped create those kids as much as you did. They are his responsibility. But I wonder that he kind of feels like he has no choice but to be with you because of the kids, one he didn't even want at first, and he resents that, and you take the brunt of that resentment. And he may never be able to get past that. His way of exerting power over a situation he feels he has no control over, is bullying you. And they say the best way to deal with a bully, is to confront him. Stand up to him. What I'm about to suggest isn't easy, but you take the first step towards divorce. Maybe if you took the power out of his hands, he'd realize that he can't just push you around and throw out threats. Sometimes it takes scaring them to make real changes. And if he walks away anyways, it's amazing what adversity does to people. They fight. They survive. And you will too. And I agree with the above, there has to be more reason to stay than your kids. One day they will be grown up and gone from the nest. What will you have then? You have to invest a little in your own future and you have to look to the future and say, can I really see myself with this person, growing old, hanging out and doing our own thing when the kids are gone? If the answer is no, than don't hang onto a poisonous relationship for 20 years just because of the kids. Who knows who you could meet. You deserve better. I know for a fact there are men out there who treat kids they didn't help create, as if they did, and these relationships can be as fullfilling (or moreso) than the original package. I'm married to one. I was extremely lucky. My boyfriend (now husband) walked in three weeks after the sperm donor walked out... He was there when my son was born. And by all means, he has far more right to be called dad then the one who actually helped conceive him. And I'm hoping my son will see it the same way when he comes to finally know and understand his true roots. Anyways, off topic! You have to decide what is best for you. Make a list of pros and cons. And don't worry about what family thinks. They don't have to live with it everyday. If they did, they wouldn't likely be singing the same tune. And they'll get over it when it's done and move on, just like you will. Anyways, I wish you all the best and hope you can figure things out one way or the other.

slowlygoingcrazy