How am I supposed to cope?

Hello everyone,,

For starters let's begin when I was a child (not my whole childhood).  My mother tried to harm herself several times. Reason being that she could not get a man to stay in her life because she had 5 children (all girls). This is something that we are all supposed to forget happened.  Well, I am 35 now and I have forgiven my mom but I have not forgotten what she has done especially the blame that was placed on us girls. 

I am happily married & have a wonderful daughter (she's my step but in my heart she is my daugther).  I am 35 and a very sick woman.  I suffer each & everyday & Of course I suffer from major depression. 

What I am wanting to know is how can I cope with how my mother is acting?  She has informed me that I am selfish for being so sick and other things that I care not to say.  But about a month ago she told me that she wanted to die and that if she tries it this time she will succeed.  I told her that if she didn't stop talking about that, that I was going to take her to Behavorial health instead of taking her to have her colonoscopy done.  This is really saddening to me.  I called to try to see if there was anyway I could step in to help my mother and this was the answer I got: 'It has to be either her husband, her parents, her siblings or her oldest child'. Well, that leaves me out because I am the 3rd child.  She also informed me that she was not going to let me die before her.  If she knew that it was getting close for me, then she would kill herself.

Now someone tell me how I am supposed to cope when my mother says these things to me?? I have enough to deal with and now how am I supposed to deal with what she is saying to me??????  I have a long road a head of me and I supposed to feel quilty about being sick just because my mother can't handle it.  Does she even think about what she is doing to me? For her to tell me that she would make sure she died before I did, that is totally selfish to me. So how am I supposed to cope??????

I am sorry but I have edited part of your post due to rule #1. Mostly because it was graphic and we do have kids/teenagers that post here.  Please lets not get into specifics/details regarding this.  Thank you - Elisha

Post Edited By Moderator (els) : 5/19/2007 10:28:08 AM (GMT-6)

Hi Graces, :) I normally post in Chronic Pain, but was reading your post and hope that by chiming in I can maybe help put this into some kind of perspective for you.

I can relate somewhat to what you are talking about, when I was 8 my father committed suicide. I am now 41 and sometimes it still saddens and angers me. I am angry/sad at all of the things he missed out on, BUT at the same time it saddens me that his demons became too much for him to fight anymore. He refused to go get help and the alcohol didnt work anymore. Growing up I had alot of the same issues you are talking about, the insecurity, the guilt, the what if's etc. However, surviving that has made me have a different perspective on what that does to families.

This might sound very harsh to you & if I upset you, I apologize ahead of time. That being said, here goes:

You do NOT have to cope with the mind games that your mother is playing. From your post, I do not know if she does this to all your sisters or just you, but either way what she IS doing is TOXIC to you guys and your emotional health! She is playing the suicide card to manipulate you into doing what she wants. You really and truly need to distance yourself from her for a long time OR again IMHO you need to cut off ALL contact with her, and worry about getting yourself better so then you can deal with her more efficiently. YOUR MOTHERS HAPPINESS IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY, NOR IS IT YOUR SISTERS responsibility!!!!

If you bleieve nothing else that I have posted to you today, PLEASE believe in that one. Yes, its THAT important.

IF she DECIDES to commit suicide, then it is by HER choice sweetpea. There is not a dang thing you can do about it. It doesnt matter WHAT she tells you. She is trying to GUILT you into loving her. My ex-mother-in-law played that card also, and lost. By that I mean she got her wish. There was no calvary to come save her after she took all the meds she had squirreled away. In her note, she blamed my sister-in-law and claimed it was all her fault. Unfotunately she died trying to make a point. It was a terrible thing to go through AGAIN. My husband and his family were devastated. My point is this: When people threaten to do this, they are trying to keep CONTROL over other people. PERIOD. Trust me, the groundwork for the lifetime of guilt should she succeed in killing herself has already been well laid. For you she's had 35 years to do this.

IMHO your mother IS a very bitter and SELFISH person. I dont think that she CARES about any of you. It seems to be all about HER. Because you are not well, you really DONT need to handle all of this ugliness. If you are not able to cut yourself off from her for a while, at least talk to your oldest sister and have her help your mother get the help that she needs. You are a decent person and you DONT deserve this. It doesnt matter who its coming from. And iF she does go thru wit this, YOU AR NOT TO BLAME!!! DO NOT let ANYONE tel you any different. EVER!!!!

What was really strange in my life was when my 1st husband and I split up, he threatened to kill himself and TRIED to make me feel guilty about it. I LAUGHED at him and said "go ahead. i'm NOT gonna stop you." He then was like well you are gonna tell the kids its all your fault I did this. ummmmmmm NO I'M NOT!! i dont have to tell them anything. Anyway, please, please, please DONT fall into this trap. You are a wonderful caring person that doesnt deserve this. If i've offended you, again please accept my apology as that was NOT my intent.

Sassy

I have a similar problem with my father. He was always critical, quick to point out flaws, always negative, never once offering encouragememnt or praise throughout my entire life. When I was younger I tried so hard to please him but I could never be or do good enough for him. I tried talking to him on many occasions telling him how hurt I was by the things he said to me. He always just blew it off, telling me I'm being too sensative, or going through a rebellious "phase." So, after 36 years I ended that. My self-esteem had been seriously damaged my a lifetime of his criticisms and I'd finally had enough. I had to try to salvage what little was left. This is probably not what you want to hear but it's what I had to do. I gave up on him. Yep, that's it. I moved out of state and I just don't talk to the man any more. Oh, I still talk to him once or twice a year on the phone for Christmas and birthday. But that's about it. It may sound callus and selfish but it's not. I tried most of my life. I tried so hard to get along with him. But a leopard won't change his spots. He's 80 years old now. If he hasn't stopped being verbally abusive by now he never will. So why on Earth should I keep subjecting myself to it? Do I feel guilty about hardly speaking to him any more? A little. But it's not nearly as bad as the guilt he made me feel by constantly telling me what a failure I was. You may have to do the same with your mother. If you have given it your all and tried your best to make your relationship good and she continues making you feel bad year after year, it's time to consider that maybe you can't change her, or change yourself enough to please her. At some point, for your own sanity, you DO have to be selfish and break away. It does you no good to let yourself be destroyed if even that will never make her happy anyway.