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Posted 5/16/2007 8:05 PM (GMT 0)

 Last night was the first night in many nights that I have actually thought about how hopeless I am feeling.  For almost everynight since the begininning of February I have not been able to sleep without my sleeping pills.  I am usually up until after midnight trying to find ways to sleep.  Before I know it, it is around midnight or one am before I get to sleep.  I usually am able to do this without too much negative thinking.

Last night was horrible for me!  Everything that I have been feeling came rushing into my head.  I will tell you that I don't know if I will ever be able to get over what I have lost.  I am not dealing well with it at all and keep praying that everyday I am strong is the day I will have what I have lost.  I know that this sounds sad but I am constantly looking out the window for "him" to pull up.  I have downloaded songs that remind me of what I had and songs that if I could I would send to him to let him know how much I hurt.  My life is so empty and sad without him in it.  In my heart of hearts, I know that I will never be good enough again and that is killing me.  I look at other men and feel "hatred" towards their so called compliments.  They make me sick!!!  There are millions of pretty women in the world, go try to "hit" on them!  I remember something that was said to me that has never left me and is a lesson learned.  It was this, "goodlooking women are a dime a dozen" and how true is that!!!!!!!  so true that when I look at men I see them as nothing more than someone who wants the outside of what I am, well you know what, been there and done that but never, ever again!!!!!!!  I guess that is what is so hard because the love that I had I will never have again.  I know you guys are saying that I need to let people in because if I dont I will never have that love again.

To be honest with you, I dont care.  I dont want to love like i did, I REFUSE!!!!!  I cant let go of what I held so dear.  I am having an extremely hard time understanding many of the faucets of what has happened in my life to the point where I feel nothing anymore.  I MEAN NOTHING!!!!! NO JOY, NO HAPPINESS, I MEAN REAL HAPPINESS, NO CONTENTMENT AND MOSTLY NO HOPE OF EVER FEELING LIKE I DID!  That is such a hopeless feeling to have.  I now know what people say when they say they feel no emotion over things that should be emotional.  I feel pain and sadness.  The other night when I was looking at the stars, I actually felt as if this was my last night on earth, i would remember how beautiful the stars were and that I was alone.

I called my neuro doc today and left a message for his nurse to call me back.  I begged in my message to please call me back asap as I needed to have my implant turned back on immediately because I was not doing well and was worried about how nights like last night would effect the next night I feel that bad. I am really scared guys, I am so alone and wish that I had at least one more chance to hold him and feel his arms, smell his skin, kiss his lips and look into his eyes and tell him that I was glad he was here at least fot this one moment!!!!!

As with anything in my life I have ruined, I dont look for anyone to allow me to rebuild any part of what I have destroyed.  It is now 4pm and I called my doc this am at 830 and of course no phone call back.  Why would they, I am just another number that they will get to when they have time.

"Each man hides a secret pain. It must be exposed and reckoned with. It must be dragged from the darkness and forced into the light. Share your pain. Share your pain with me... and gain strength from the sharing."
-- Sybock, Star Trek V The Final Frontier.

 

Posted 5/16/2007 8:10 PM (GMT 0)
I found this quote in a book that I just read lately!!!!  It is a great book. I thought in light of this post, I woud share it with you!!!

 

"In depression this faith in deliverance, in ultimate restoration, is absent. The pain is unrelenting, and what makes the condition intolerable is the foreknowledge that no remedy will come - not in a day, an hour, a month, or a minute. If there is mild relief, one knows that it is only temporary; more pain will follow. It is hopelessness even more than pain that crushes the soul. So the decision-making of daily life involves not, as in normal affairs, shifting from one annoying situation to another less annoying - or from discomfort to relative comfort, or from boredom to activity - but moving from pain to pain. One does not abandon, even briefly, one's bed of nails, but is attached to it wherever one goes."
-- William Styron. (Darkness Visible).

Posted 5/17/2007 12:01 PM (GMT 0)
Faithfully
After my divorce I went into a deep depression,not because I wanted him back,but because I felt that I would never want to be in another relationship again.
When a guy would hit on me,I am sure I scared the crap out of them because I felt my temper rise right away.
It got to the point to where I did not even notice men,wanted nothing to do with them.
My best friend was worried that I would grow old with 10 cats by my side.

I am sorry you lost so much. Being in love can hurt more than anything that is for sure.

Stay strong and keep your head up.


Shy
Posted 5/17/2007 12:46 PM (GMT 0)
Teresa..you Are going to get over all this - believe it or not!

I think the first thing on your list is 'forgiveness' - forgiving those around you that you have caused you pain and grief and forgiving yourself for any wrong doing that you feel you have done..easier said than done I know eyes !

Letting go of all that anger will be the first step towards healing yourself. It's gonna take a lot of hard work, personal strength  and faith to do this - but you have endured so much in your life and survived - and that's how I know you are gonna make it!

Maree

 

Posted 5/17/2007 2:31 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you guys for your posts~
I do understand what you are all saying if is all great advice. I just had a love that to others is unexplainable! Trust me, it was and in my heart it still is. I guess you could say that I have tried to forgive myself and others say they have forgiven me, I just dont understand that if there is forgiveness, how can someone stay away from someone that they love like we did? I guess that is where the questions lie because in normal relationships (in as not sharing what I thought we had shared) can make it, why couldnt we with the love that we had.

I could never stay away from him like he has me. I just know that in all the hurt and learning I have gone through, I just want to get back what we had.

I just dont think I will ever let go off the thought of him coming back for me.
Posted 5/17/2007 4:32 PM (GMT 0)
Teresa,

I understand what what you are feeling. There are loves that come along once in a lifetime and sometimes not even then. There is a level of some relationships that many will never ever experience and to most they do not undrstand the level of love you have shared. I'm not trying to shoot arrows at the comments of others but if they have never experienced this type of love then to most what you are feling makes no sense to them. It's not their fault in not understanding b/c they could never understand this feelings you have shared w/ this man. I understand though. I was there but prior to the relationship with my special person I had I was like them in their understandings. This type of love does not happen every day. It leaves a Hole that will never be filled. It consumes you. It makes you compare everything to what you shared. It puts you in such a state of rushing emotions up and down that it consumes you.

I know that I will never love like this again so I don't let anyone get too close b/c it's like a goal that you know you will never achive so you do not even try. I had to let go of my 2 percenter b/c of the things that were so sacred in our relationships were broken. My Baby took from me those things that we promised we would never ever do which was our feelings towards Trust, Truth and Respect for ourselves and each other. Once that was violated there was no turning back. The damage was done and the relationship was over. Everything we shared was sacrificed for something that in the long run was not even worth the risk. Those things that made this relationship so special were reduced to decisions she made that in the long run meant nothing. As a result we both paid. I think of this woman constantly and I know she thinks I have gotten over her and moved on but she is so wrong. I too will never get over her. I have died inside. I have to move on and I force myself to keep moving because it would never be the same again. When I get a weak moment I think of the things she did wrong to me and it forces me to stay angry so that I don't let my emotions take over me. This is not healthy but it is what I do. In the past I was able to blame some of the things we were fighting on her depression but in this case I didn't blame the depression for her actions but rather her. She knew better and she acted irrationally. She knew that if the Truth came out she would lose me forever but she did it any how. As a result we now live in 2 separate worlds and will forever. Keep in mind all this is coming from someone that lived with someone with Depression. I don't have depression. This truly was a love story like you read about and think that they never really exist. I have my great memories of this beautiful woman that I shared so much with knowing that it was a once in a lifetime experience for which I am forever grateful. I thank God everyday that he gave me this opportunity to feel as I did. Some never get the chance. I did and I wouldn't have changed it for the World. They say Time Heals all. I don't think the person who ever said that felt what I did because I don't have that many years left to heal from what I have lost but I go on. I must and you must too. I do understand you Teresa.
Posted 5/18/2007 7:11 AM (GMT 0)
Strenghn1~

I am sure that this woman who you talk so fondly about would appreciate what you are saying to her!!!  And I am sure that if she had the chance to do things over and never hurt you like you were truly hurt, I am sure that she would lay her life down to get that back!!  In her weak moments I am sure that she looks at the phone or plays a song just to feel the pain that she so deserves,  I personally heard a song that I downloaded so that I could listen to it so I could feel the pain in knowing that I have hurt someone that I love(d) more than life itself, the song is called "Hate Me" by Blue October.  I cry so hard when I listen to this song it is so what I caused US!!!!  I guess it is my way of sticking the perverbiale knife in my chest.  I am sure if he would listen to it, he could personalize with it every word of it!!! I dont think that anyone could ever imagine the pain I put myself through for doing this to my baby!!!!!

 

See I know your pain but in my relationship I, like her, caused what is happening to me, ME I AM RESPONSIBLE NOT HIM AND I WILL FOREVER DIE EVERY DAY for it!!!!!!!!!!

I just wish as  I sit here in tears crying missing him in ways he will never understand, wish I could just touch him and look in his eyes, I miss those eyes and that crazy (for real laugh) I used to hear when I did something silly, I miss him when I look at my vns and remember how he used to say it was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen when I said it was ugly.  In a weird sort of way, when I look at it in the mirror I see him, God I miss him more than anyone could ever know, you see I know that I lost the most wonderful gift that God could give anyone and I am the idiot, the failure  that will never deserve to have him and that love again. 

Posted 5/18/2007 9:22 AM (GMT 0)
Teresa.. nono put your foot firmly on the brake pedal and Stop!

You can tear yourself apart all you like ok...but at the end of the day there is only one person you are hurting and that is you..this is a pointless exercise...

You are grieving a loss just now...and that's a normal human reaction..no one escapes the anger, tears and grief you are experiencing..but, if we keep dwelling on these things we become ill - really ill sad

I have been thru a relationship similar to yours..after only 18 months he developed cancer - which I nursed him thru until he passed away 9 months later..

Yes I was devastated and I was really down and out for a while there..but I survived - it took a Lot of hard work to work thru the pain of letting go, and what seemed at the time 'unimaginable pain'.

When you are ready you will be able to pick up the pieces and move on..I promise :-)

Maree

Posted 5/18/2007 10:22 AM (GMT 0)
i can understand what you've been going through, my sister is about in the same state as you are... since that boyfriend hers left her, she is no longer the same and i'm getting real worried for her...
Posted 5/18/2007 8:08 PM (GMT 0)
Jordan~

I do appreciate your concern but I have to honestly say that I doubt there are many people that have been in my shoes or same type of relationship.  I do not mean to make less of what you and your s/o had but I will tell you that no matter what words are spoken to me or how many times I hear that I will be ok and able to move on, I WONT!!!  I swear, where I hurt is if I am not able too, how is he?  I will forever be lost without this man, I dont expect anyone to understand.  I really dont.

 

I am the loneliest I have ever been in my life, I actually worry about myself.

 

Thanks for your care and concerns though, they do mean alot.

Posted 5/18/2007 8:35 PM (GMT 0)
Only you can heal your life Teresa and I wish you well :-)

Maree

Posted 5/18/2007 8:42 PM (GMT 0)
sad  Sad but true,  unfortunately I am not woman enough to do it, I have always been pathetic like that.

Maree, thank you for your caring though, I do know even in my deepest despair that people do care for me, it is just usually not enough.

Thank you.

Posted 5/18/2007 9:49 PM (GMT 0)
Give it time, I am on Lexapro, a male 39 years old, i recently stopped taken this medication on my own and I wish now that I did'nt, I called back in the prescription and will begen soon, but there is hope out there.
Posted 5/19/2007 2:18 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you but I am hoped out.
Posted 5/20/2007 3:18 AM (GMT 0)

Hi Theresa,

Maybe I am way off base here, but I really am trying to understand. I have read some of your postings here and it sounds like you have lost a true love. I dont know if it was because he left or he passed away.  Either way, the loss of that love is a very sad thing, but it sounds like you are giving up on everything else because of this, after saying in your Mothers day post how much your 3 kids rely on you and hoow important they are to you.

I can tell you as a SURVIVOR of a loved one's suicide, you're kids will NEVER understand if you take those pills and arent here anymore. The hole you will leave, will NEVER be filled. They will NEVER "get over it" and they also will NEVER forgive you. They wont know HOW to forgive you because there is NEVER any closure with death by suicide. There are never any answers.        It isnt like a car accident or a physical illness. It is a CHOICE that you make.

I was 8 when my father killed himself, and my sister was 6. Your youngest will ALWAYS wonder "IF I had been better behaved, would mommy have stayed", as he gets older he will wonder "Why didnt mommy love me enough to to get better". Your son will likely never trust a woman. For the rest of THEIR lives, your children will be insecure and have very LOW self-esteem, and they will NEVER feel "good enough". They will also always wonder if people in their lives "really" love them, because if your mom/dad doesnt love you enough to stay, you must be VERY unlovable.  Your daughters will wonder and feel these same things too, only being older they will also wonder WHY they didnt see this coming, and what they coulda/woulda/shoulda done different to help you want to get better and stay. They WILL blame themselves, and your children will have a VERY hard time TRUSTING anyone. They do NOT deserve any of that.

My dad was 33 years old at the time of his death. I am now 8 year older than my dad was when he died, and at 41 years old Theresa, there are very few MEN I trust OR respect, thanx to my dad. I have been married and divorced twice. I now have a girlfriend.

As an adult, I know now he had too many demons to fight and he got tired. He refused to get help and the alcohol didnt work anymore, but the "child" in me still struggles with the "WHY" and still feels like it was my fault.  I am so sad that he missed out on seeing us (my sister and I)grow up, graduate, get married, and have children. All of our accomplishments. I think though the thing that I am saddest of all about, is the I NEVER got to know the person that my father was.  

I really hope Theresa you can find the strength that you need to keep fighting this depression and walk out of its darkness back into the light of the living.

You KNOW there are many types of love.....lover to lover,<which is a big one> and parent to child, friend to friend, <these are smaller, different, but no less important>

 You cant give up on the smaller ones because you lost the "big one". Thats like eating dinner at a fancy restaurant, and because it was so good, saying you will never eat again because nothing will compare with it. You would STARVE, right?  Its also unfair to deny the little loves in your life the pleasure they get from loving you, and it will starve them and harden their hearts.

I really hope this lets you see the other side of the suicide coin, that in my rambling I have made some sense and I truly hope it helps you in your fight.

Sassy

Posted 5/20/2007 11:41 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you Sassy~

I totally understand what you are saying I really do but people have different perspectives on what rung of the ladder they lay their importance on things.  Of course my children are and will always be the most upper rung in importance.  However, you have to wonder when you talk about children and suicide.  I unlike you have not had a parent commit suicide so I cannot speak on how that feels but I do know this there are times when I wonder how healthy it is for my son to see me sad and depressed all the time.  Yes there will always be questions that a child will pose when something tragic happens but if a child lives with a parent that is depressed, you question your influence on them while you are here.  Sometimes that is just as bad, trust me, from that I can speak from a personal stance.

 

As far as the love of my life, he is still very much alive an lives only 45 minutes from me.  To compare our love to other examples is ludicris to me.  I am sorry and I appreciate your take on this but when you experience a love like I had you would understand.  What made my love so much more meaningful is the fact that with my depression he was a wonderful supportive man.  If you read this forum alone, you will see that there are more than enough relationships that are past by because of the depression of a s/o or someone is struggling with emotions or what to do feelings.  I lost more than just love.  I lost understanding and unconditional acceptance.

 

I am going through an extremely tough time right now and to think positive.

Posted 5/21/2007 2:54 AM (GMT 0)
I can tell you are going through a very hard time, and that is why i posted. I want you to be ABLE to only be positive. I truly am sorry for what you lost.

Knowing how you feel right now, the sense of losing unconditional love and acceptance, would you ever make your children go through that? Because I would imagine that is how you love your children, acceptingly and unconditionally. I love my children that way, hell I personally love EVERYONE thats in my life that way, so I DO know what you are talking about. I didnt know that you are supposed to love people any differently.

My point is having a parent that is sad and depressed all the time, but trying to fight it off is WAY better than seeing a parent cold, still and in coffin. I absolutely CAN tell you about that. Children cant get answers from tombstones. They dont smile at you, or hug you, or answer you.

The bottom line is that suicide is a PERMANENT fix to a temporary problem.

As other people have posted to you, whether you like it or not, the time will come when the grief is lessened, and you have to move on, thats just how life works. ONLY you have the power to decide when you are done wallowing in this misery, and make the change.

As an aside, I DONT share that story about my dad with very many people Theresa, and i'm sorry you felt it was ludicrous. It was a VERY personal and private thing that I dont talk about. I just thought seeing the repurcussions from that act might help you, as most people who are suicidal cant think past then "ending" of their own pain to the ripples they leave behind. I will not bother you with this again and I wish you the best.
Posted 5/21/2007 3:16 AM (GMT 0)
Sassy~

Let me first apologize for obviously making a statement that I did not mean to be interpreted in a negative way about your father.  I would never do that to anyone.  I highly respect the fact that you cared enough to share that with me and I am saddened that I phrased it in a way that it impacted you like it did, BELIEVE ME THAT WAS NOT MY INTENT!

 

I guess in retrospect what I was saying was my general feeling was that I find ludicracy in the fact that "people" in general tend to think that we must go on for whomever. Whether that person be a spouse, children, etc.  I have always tried to live for me first because that is what we are supposed to do.  That old antige, live for number one or something like that.

 

When number 1 is wore out, it is really rough on everyone else that is all, I know because I have been a single mom most of my life and I have tried to hide that "tired" face and it only hurt me more.

 

Again, I am sorry I never meant in anyway to demean your post :(

 

Posted 5/21/2007 4:58 PM (GMT 0)
...Theresa.........

I lost the LOVE of my life my reason for living in 1979 in a car accident left with 2 babes ages 2 and 4 .........I was TOTALLY devasted then and I still think of him know but for reasons that are GOOD

I have found that I was weak then and lost me in the horrid way this all came about .....

I felt useless alone and hated HIM( God) but know that I know in Hindsight have been able to look back and know he was needed up there and I was needed down here to carry on the love and needs of our sons ........

 

I never thought I would ever find another man I could or would let get close to me again but ya know what I DID........we had a daughter together he was slowly becoming an alcholic and it went downhill from there He was controlling and made me feel like scum all the time .......

I could not have friends nor even family over without him being there or even answer OUR phone ya get the picture.......anyways we went our ways he was so bad with the booze and he was diabetic I keep saying was here as sadly he died 2 days after my birthday in 2000

 

Cait his daughter has his ashes and I look at pics of him when he was so handsome he melted my heart BUT what he did to me and what I allowed him to do to me was wrong

Physical scars do heal ( not saying beating woman is right by no means nono Emotional ones do not IMHO unless you are doing something to help them ..there are some scars that cannot be healed so you put them in a box in your mind  / heart wherever and close the lid .....Your children need you and I have so much illness and so much pain from the DD's yet I am able to put the smile on my face and its not faked when I see my 32 yr old son ( other passed away as well)......my beautiful daughter and my 2 grandbabes ..IF you cannot do this for you then PLEASE do it for your kids and yes it is the way it should be they didnt ask to be put in this right I am not putting you down I am an honest and open person that has compassion and empathy ..........I believe you need to find the YOU that was there before ......

 

 I met Howie at a Bikers Pig Roast here in town and the first look let me know I was in love for real once again I had become the strong person I use to be self reliant and self sufficient and I ahd the Balls I never lost ( only hid) once again.........

 

We were together for 3 months falling asleep on the couch cuddling

NEVER made any attempt on either part to make love we just cuddled and fell into a love so beautiful

He was very supportive of all I had gone thru and was going thru with the sores I get the dx of crohns and finally another severe helth blow ( i dont bring to boards ).....

I pushed him away It was me that asked him to leave I felt I was too much of a burden the TX I was having to take would make me il and tired for days YET he never worried about what he needed to do even after working 12 14 hr shifts

 

IT WAS ME...........

 

My daughter asked if she could call him Dad and I was shocked they still have that daughter / father relationship and I think somewhere down the line we will reconcile first I had to swallow my pride and KNOW he LOVED me thru sickness and health .......

 

As was posted only YOU can do something about this just as I had to thru all these loses  and find a way to get out of this rut and stinking thinking you are in

YOU are bright ,and I know there is someone out there for you .......

I never was one to believe in Fairy Tales hun but my life kinda reads like one with plenty of anguish in between ..........BUT I have gotten thru it andppl here are trying to help you get thru this as well

 

LOVE HURTS for sure .......but it can also bring you the best of feelings ever .....that and my children is what I carry on for as well as my dad who has alzheimers

 

PLease do try to attempt taking steps or couselling to help you out as well as this support system .........

You need to talk please email me

LYN

Posted 5/21/2007 11:29 PM (GMT 0)
sad  This man was the love of my life and will forever be.  I read your post about how you met and how wonderful and unique it was.  That is what I am talking about!!!  That is what I and this wonderful man had and I will never be able to have that again.  There comes a time in your life when you really feel love and realize that you have come to a place in your life that you know you will never be the same.

 

 

I guess I could compare that with people that are older and were with the same person and when that person died, they never moved on.  Sure they had people come and go in their lives as life would have it, but they never gave their hearts again.  That is what we had, I know it.  I know to some people that sounds pathetic but as you know and are experiencing there is THAT love out there.  Unfortunately for me, I will pray for the rest of my life to have it back.

 

That doesnt mean that I am not strong, it simply means that my heart is not whole and without what I had it wont be again.

 

God does listen to me, he shows me every day that I am doing the right thing for this love, yea, it is a struggle and I feel more pain than I probably should but I am assured in my faith it will be worth it.

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