Confused about a depressed friend

I just talked to a friend of mine. She is a long time friend ... 30 years or more ... and is bipolar so I thought she would be one I could talk to who would understand. I told her I wanted to try medications or natural remedies to help with this life-long depression because I've had enough. Her manic-depressive disorder has significantly disrupted her life many times. She's spent her whole life jumping from job to job, moving from place to place, going from one relationship to another, always chasing that next adventure that will make her life all better ... for sure this time! I'm not saying this to criticize her. I'm only saying it because I thought she, of all people, would understand what a devestating effect depression can have on one's life. But I was surprised when she responded with a speech about how I just need to change my attitude or change my life and I'll feel better. She believe's depression is just an attitude problem, or an external problem, and if you're not happy you should just drop everything and go do something different with your life that makes you happy (not understanding, apparently, that some people with depression don't have anything that makes them happy), or just will yourself to be happy through positive thinking. At first I was annoyed, then confused, then wondered how she could be in such denial about the reality of depression. For 40+ years she's been uprooting her life over and over to chase that next "fix" and still doesn't see it's never solved the problem. I'm wondering if she thinks admitting that depression could be physiological is admitting she is "defective" or something and it's too embarrassing.  I think she could probably benefit from some medications or supplements but if I try to talk to her about it and she gets so defensive. How do you deal with someone like that?

Hi Sunnivara.

Your friend has been running from her probs for years - one day she will hit a brick wall...and there will be an opportunity for you to help pick up the pieces..meanwhile heal yourself first  then take on the world.

Maree

Sunnivara,

I am so sorry your friend replied to you in an unsupportive manner. I understand your feelings and dissappointment in this situation. A very close friend of mine whom I considered my closest confidant shocked me during my last depression spiral and basically told me:

"pick yourself up and get on with life- you are a mom and you need to put your kids first, you're a wife and you are killing your husband by putting more responsibilities on him... you have to stop this way of thinking or people you know are just going to give up... "

 

This reaction from her left me in a state that words can not describe. Of all people, she knew what kind of guilt I tend to put on myself...She knew how bad I hated falling into that black hole of depression and how badly I wanted to be joyful a person who could live a fullfilling life all the time (if that's possible). She (I thought) knew me better than anyone else... her reaction hurt me badly. I've not heard back from her since this event took place 5 weeks ago. Honestly, I feel I could have recovered  much more quickly from this past spiral. But this took me back a loop... I do understand the need for positive encouragement and how crucial it is for others to not express their negativeness or self-righteosness on you. That is why I enjoy coming to this sight....I find there is understanding, and everyone wants nothing more than for you to be as well as you can be.

Again, my heart goes out to you and I'm sorry for your experience.

Best wishes,

Pink

Hi Sunnivara

Sadly, as the others have said, your friend is in denial, and no matter what you say or do, you will not get her to change unless she wants to, and from her attitude to you, that doesn't sound likely.

Pink, o m g - tonight is eerie - this is the second post where someone else has been writing my life for me lol.

I have just been through the exact same thing with my best friend, not for the first time either - it just does my head in.  Thankfully, my pdoc helped me see that her actions and responses weren't my fault, and that she has her own issues to deal with.  I love my friend a great deal, and I value her enough to try and take the good from the relationship and let the rest go.  I hope you and your friend are able to make amends soon - life is short and that sort of friend is so rare.

Best wishes to all.

Deb