New here....

I want to welcome you to this forum.    am somewhat new myself and enjoy being apart of this "community". Hopefully you'll find that you are not alone in your struggle... I have certainly been where you are now - I understand. Hang in there and hopefully you'll find some extra support and understanding here.

Please keep us posted - let us know how you're doing.

Pink

I do feel ashamed at times to either post or tell people how i really feel as i feel all i seem to do is go on about my problems and how bad i am feeling.

At the moment i am feeling really depresssed and i just want to curl up and never wake up.

I am feeling really impulsive and just want to cry.

I have my children to look after at the moment and i just dont want to be here.  I am in therapy and am struggling badly with my feelings.

I feel like i am going backwards and i cant cope with it.

I really dont like myself and just dont want to be here.

I am taking anti d's but at this moment it seems like i am taking nothing as its not making much difference.  I feel like i am not worth helping, not worth anything.

I have a social worker and have had her for about 9 / 10 months, she has helped me alot and been there for me when i have needed to talk.  But now i dont really see her as i am having therapy.  It took me a long time to get the courage to talk to her and now i have to try and talk with someone else.

I am failing, failing at everything.

Angel, big hugs to you!!!!!

Im really sorry to hear that you are struggling at the moment. I think you are really brave taking that step to join us and I'm sure you will find a lot of support here. I am sure your social worker & therapist don't think you are failing them. If they did, im sure they would tell you to your face. The fact that you are prepared to try and face your depression is a success in itself as well as your continuing progress. Everyone has slips when they are trying to achieve something. But you have to find the strength from within to pick yourself up each time you fall. When you get through this, you will be a much stronger person.

My advice: Take each day as it comes but dont expect every day to be a good one.  

Warmest Wishes

Darren

P.S If you need or want to, feel free to drop me an email using the envelope icon on the left.

Well today is no better than any other day.

I feel really impulsive.  I am really beginning to think that i should just get it over and done.  But i love my kids and they would have no one.

I feel stuck. i am a complete failure, a nobody.    

Angel, I'm sorry but I have edited your post here due to forum rule #1 no discussion of self harm intended or threatened.  I have left some hotline links for you below please do contact someone.

Post Edited By Moderator (els) : 5/27/2007 4:26:27 PM (GMT-6)

I can actually relate to your situation quite well.  I too am a mom of two kids, a girl and a boy.  My son is ADD with H tendencies and has become increasingly more difficult to deal in the last couple of months.  He's begun stealing and lying on a more regular basis and none of our attempts at stopping him seem to be working.  My daughter is an angel.  It's not that she never gives me a hard time, but they are much easier to deal with.  I am not a single mom but my husband works shift work and is often gone so at times I feel like a single mom.   And I was a mom at 19.  Here I am now at 30 and I still don't have anything but highschool.  I have done nothing with my life it feels at times, except attempt to raise children and look after others.   Whenever it was supposed to be my turn to follow my dreams, there has always been a reason not to.  Right now it's finances.   So I completely understand feeling like there's absolutely nothing for you in this world and that your problems are too much to deal with, but at the same time they are also not worthy enough of the attention of others.   Finding the "right" person to talk to where you're comfortable enough is tough.  I don't have a lot of friends myself and I often feel like I lean on the same ones over and over and I feel like a total burden at times.  But my kids keep me going.  I can't devastate their lives more than I already have (particularly in my son's case) by taking the easy way out.   I have to stand and keeping fighting for them.  As for your statement the anti-depressants should prevent you from slipping, that's not true.  You may not be on the right one.  You may need a dosage adjustment.  This is all completely normal.   If one anti-depressant worked for everybody there wouldn't be so many different ones out there!!!  It's a guessing game.  It's trial and error.  It's a tough road.  I'm on it too.  I was on Effexor XR for almost three years.  My dosage was increased twice to 225mg and my doctor didn't want me to go any higher so I ended up going on sick leave in February, weaning off the Effexor XR and trying something new.  I'm on the lowest dose of Wellbutrin.  It at first seemed to be working but now it doesn't seem to be.  And I go back to work in 5 weeks.   I'm terrified at the prospect of dealing with the constant stressors of work again, particularly without a working drug regime in place, but I don't have a choice.  We can't survive financially without my income.  So I understand how it feels like the whole world is against you and nothing you do seems or feels right.  You don't give yourself credit for anything and yet you blame yourself very easily, and never forgive yourself your short comings, even if many of those short comings are just a product of being human....  As depressed people, we tend to be very hard on ourselves.  Harder than the world can ever be on us.  We often don't need the world to push us down, because we do a very good job of doing it to ourselves...  It's all a part of the vicious cycle of depression, particularly the lowest spots because reason has no place in those low spots.  Everything runs on emotions.   People try to introduce reason in an attempt to help us, but our brains are so wired that little comes through to us.   All we know is what we feel and it feels crumby and horrible to be alive.   But the important thing is that we find ways to recognize this and seek help.  I know that I am this way right now, but I know that a drug adjustment might do the trick to help me bounce back.  Drugs are not the perfect solution.  At times they are little more than bandaids.   Somehow, we have to find the strength in ourselves to grab onto even the most minute ray of light and find our way back enough to say, I need help.  If your doctors have any understanding of depression, what you may perceive as "I am totally alone in my suffering", they've probably seen a million times and if you can find a way to trust them, they can probably find a way to help you, whether it be a different kind of therapy or a different kind of drug.  Most of us on this website, will probably live with some level of depression all our lives.  And it's being willing to adjust and try something new and to keep working and fighting for us, for our kids, for whatever reason we can latch onto at that particular moment.  I encourage you to go to your doctors and be as honest as possible about your feelings.  If they think the therapy is working, than they won't make any changes to it.  If they know it's not working, they can adjust things for you.   But it's all about being honest with yourself and with your health care providers.  They can't help you if they don't really know what's going on.  Does that make sense?  I understand from your posts that you have a hard time opening up and sharing, and that is not unusual.  But in the same way you are going on living for your kids, you need to get yourself healthy for your kids and part of getting healthy is being honest with your health care providers so they can really help you.  If it would be easier, write it down and take it to your doctor(s) for them to read.  Anyways, I've rambled enough but in reading your posts I saw so many parallels between your world and mine, I wanted to try to offer you some encouragement, some understanding and some advice.  I hope you can take something from this. 

slowlygoingcrazy

Angel, after reading the above posts again, I realized that there was a common thread- something you kept saying is you are ashamed to tell your doctor that you have slipped again and that you don't want them to think that you are a failure...and that you think they are all sick of you.... well, I want you to know that I understand those comments - oh so well! From my own experiences I have placed other's opinions of me (or what I thought those opinions were) above my own. I've allowed others opinions to actually define who I was... I have spent most of my life trying to gain approval from others that I lost all sense of who I was. (Actually, for a very long time - I didn't know who I was...) I may be wrong - but I sense some of these same issues with you??? Do you tend to take on what other's believe you to be? Do you have an urgency to please people and have others think well of you? If so, then Angel - I understand so much about where you are coming from.

Something I have to do now is keep telling myself what I know is true. Like:

• I am a woman,
• I have a good heart inside,
• I have children who love me unconditionally,
• I love my children with all that I have,
• I may be ill right now - but, I am not a bad person.
• I may not be 100% right now - but I'm not a failure.
• I am doing what's right - I am seeking help because I am worth getting better - for me, for my kids...etc...
• Not seeking any help is no benefit to anyone, especially me and my kids.
• I will respect myself more because I got the help I needed, no matter what anyone else thinks.
• If today did not go well, remember: Tomorrow is a new day, and a new beginning. Have hope...
• etc...

  This is just an example of some things I would write down and then say to myself. So no matter how bad my emotions would get i could focus on what is "true". Taking tiny baby steps is HUGE! Even if you start with one line, you accomplished something for the day. If it's just hugging your children and telling them you love them, if it's just brushing your teeth or taking a shower - it's accomplishing something for the day.

Oh, how I wish for you to see that there is such value in you. Great value. A value that is worth seeing and feeling... please don't forget that. We're all here for you - we're all on this journey together.

Next month I may be down (i pray that I'm not...). And because you've been there, who could be of more help to me than you my friend?  Precious Angel, the pain that we all go through, and that you are going through now - is not for "nothing". We have to look at it like "someday, I'm going to be able to help someone who's suffering". You see, we all need each other in this scary and often-times lonely life.

I hope some of this has made some sense to you or anyone else that needs it. I think just writing it down, has helped me.

We want to hear from you Angel. Take care.

Pink

Thanks for your replies, you are all so supportive.  I am so glad to be here.

Pink, you are so right, i mean you described me so well. 

Els thanks for your advice, it is worth thinking about. 

I have always had problems talking with people about how i am feeling and i have coped on my own for years.  This time last year i just exploded, i could not do it anymore and that is when i knew i needed extra help.

My GP referred me to the MHT and had my meds reviewed and was given a social worker.  A lovely lady, but i was finding it hard to talk to her and it took me a while to be able to tell her about my feelings.

Eventually i learnt to trust her and we would talk about anything and everything.  Even when i was feeling really impulsive and having suicidal thoughts she was there on the end of the phone to try and help me.  In January this year she thought i was ready to do therapy and so i started CBT. I was beginning to feel just that bit better.

I would sit there with my therapist and say nothing, because i couldnt.  I mean i didnt know who he was.  Even now i am still finding it hard to talk to him.  I right alot of things down but he says it is all jumbled and so we are working on trying to meake my writing a bit more structured.  It is extremly hard.

Since starting therapy I have gone right down hill again and i feel i should be improvong not getting worse.  I know the saying is things get worse before they get better but i feel stuck.  Feel things are to hard, like i dont know how to get out of this.

I am not allowed to talk to my social worker about my feelings anymore as my therapist thinks it will get in the way of my therapy with him.  But i am still struggling with him.

I have no self esteem (or very little)I am still trying to hide alot of the way i am feeling, just to get me throught every day.  In between therapy there is no one and althugh i can phone my therapist i can never get in touch with him as he is always busy and hardly ever gets back to me.

I havew been told by him to use the helplines but i cant seem to as they dont know anything about me and my situation and they ask things like do you know why you are feeling like this etc and i cant keep explaining it all.

Also i do find it hard to talk with people, even over the phone.

See i am just useless and pathetic.  I cant even talk to people about how i am feeling.

Thanks for reading this.....

I just have a problem talking about myself to anyone.

I am beginning to see that i am hard work, and that i am probably too hard work for anyone to help or understand even i cant understand myself.

I know i am probably talking rubbish at the moment.  i just dont know what to do.  I suppose my main problem is coping in between therapy sessions and then still not being able to express myself when in therapy.

And what if this depression never goes?  I just dont know anymore.

Thanks