Yah, I'm new...

Hi!

 

Heh, this is my first post and I can’t believe I am actually signed up on a ‘depression’ forum, but then again I have never felt so bitter with life before. I wasn’t sure how to start talking, so I decided to go ahead and introduce myself, and then tell you what’s going on with me:

 

I’m 27 and a half. Working part-time/freelancing as an illustrator, and I have my own very small ‘business’ starting up with jewelry, though it is still at it's earliest stages so i can't exactly say it's a business, though i hope to make a career out of it. I am single (a status that seems chronic) with no children and live with my parents (two wonderful people, we have a great relationship). so in short i don't have so many responsabilites other than my own work and business plans. What can I say? I have a normal, healthy life, if not a little overwhelmed with work, so I don’t understand where this bitterness is coming from right now. Or why. And worse: How to get out of it?

 

I have always had mood swings. The majority were brief silly things that vanished on their own (I used to suffer from P.O.S, polycystic ovaries. But that’s in the past now.) But for the past few months I have had barely a break from my downhill moods. The last month particularly was hard, 30-consecutive-days of feeling unhappy. I’ve lost my energy, constantly wanting sleep and finding it difficult to wake up, I can sleep for 8 hours, and still feel exhausted and cramped. I cry with no good reason, and this too is becoming frequent. It is like my tear ducts have gone haywire. I have always been known for my temper, but lately it snaps easily over the most insignificant issues. In over the past two months I have been socially ‘dormant’, a big part of this was due to work, but now I also couldn’t be bothered to leave the house, by now people have stopped calling, and i don't blame them. I have constant pain in my shoulders, sometimes I get headaches. I was never athletic or passionate about sports, but at least I used to go to the gym. I can’t bring myself to even get on a bike for five minutes. In short, I am turning into one dull, sluggish, horrible person.   

 

I’m scared, and think that this might be the beginning of something that might get worse. The LAST thing I want or need (or can afford) right now is to see a doctor or go on medication. I understand that positive thinking and attitude would help… but when I try my best to “think happy thoughts”, I get a jeering voice saying “Who do u think you’re fooling?”. I really don’t know what to do, I feel like things are getting out of hand, and don’t know how to stop it. That is why I am here, forums feel somehow private, less embarrassing, and maybe you guys have been through it all so could give the right advice as i am more intent on fixing this myself. Could tell me if I should be concerned or if this is simply a phase everyone will go through and that it will end in a week or two? What are the steps I should take to change this? How can I go back to being able to just shrug off problems and look at everything positively, to take interest once again in the things i loved like socializing, parties, shopping and beeing normal?

 

I hope I won’t be a complete whiny brat on your boards. I appreciate directness… if you think I’m just full of bull, then let me know, and I will use it as advice.

 

Whoooooh. I swear I didn’t intend on making this post so long…

I think I should stop now, before I end up posting my entire biography! I look forward to talking with you people. And I hope I’ll get somewhere. I already feel better posting this.

Thanks!

Nat  

Welcome to the HW forums 'I am glad you finally did reach out
'You will find NO jugement her only caring and empathy

DO not be embarrassed at what you have posted
It is you that is need to get this out before you do go off ya know

As posted sometimes meds are needed I know many dont like having to be on them but it is there only way to cope
Can you go and talk to your doc in total honesty and see what he or she has to say about this

Please do stay with us
You will not find a greater group of loving caring and supportive ppl IMHO

Take care and
Keep posting you need to get it out and please come and get the support YOU need
LYN

Thanks, Faithfully4you, Cat and Pink, for the welcome and replies!

I don’t think I am in a depression. Faithfully4you, but I’m really afraid of getting there. As said, everyone goes through ups and downs, and mood swings, but I’ve never felt so low, I’ve never been so negative, resentful and panicked, and for such a long stretch of time. I am aware there are people out there with problems 10000 times greater than mine: poverty, illnesses, abusive family members…etc. and I used to be able to shrug off little things that bothered me. Now I can barely THINK positive for two minutes let alone feel positive, and it is ruining everything, the little things I could shrug off now send me into rage and tears. If I were to question the root of my constant unhappiness over the past few months, Pink, I can name a few: One is definitely tiredness playing a big part in it. Physically and mentally. I am currently overwhelmed with work: two jobs, one of them which is incredibly hard, and the person managing it is giving me a very hard time. The third is my own private work, which I manage 100% on my own, and is starting to fall behind big time. I can not ‘ease’ up or quit either one of these jobs. Work is getting the best of me, physically and mentally, and people around me don’t seem to understand it. They don’t seem to get it.

And then there are the usual, insignificant factors: Struggling with weight gain, not managing and social life going down the drain and the worst part is suddenly really, really feeling out of place. If once it was so easy for me to go up to any friend, or my parents, now I think twice or simply don’t. I suddenly don’t want to be here, don’t want anything to do with the people I know and just wish I could disappear.

Today I am in a more rational, more ‘sober’ and calmer mood than what I was in yesterday after meeting up with a friend for a coffee and talking to him. He has problems that would make the happiest person cry. And he helped a lot. He reminded me that NOTHING lasts. This is a phase, and it will pass. And I am hoping it will.

I do feel guilty ranting on like this because I know that many of you have real, serious problems concerning your children and other heart-breaking situations. I hope I’m not offending anyone by coming here with my petty issues, acting like it is a big deal. But what i am hoping for is to find the will again, and to change my attitude.

What's St John's wort?

Well, the 1st " Job" which is my own little thing, I handle it myself. I've thought of finding a silent partner to help, but my parents are against this, and i can't change their minds. Sadly i won't go ahead with it without their approval. So i don't have help there, and this is not something i can't easly quit.

My second job is with a small company, but here comes the catch: they are my modest, steady income. Without them, i'll hardly make any money on a monthly bases from my own little business.

The third job is the one i wish i could put a stop to. animation. The director is asking for a lot more than what i bargained for. I can't quit nor ask them to ease up the workload, by quitting, i put a stop to everyone else's work (the director, the animatior, the editors and the sound crew). I can't do that to them, it would be unfair of me. But one thing is for sure: the second the current project is over, ill make a run for it, and never go back to that feild again unless if they work according to my terms. In reality i warned them again and again about the time needed for such work but no one listened. next time i won't be pushed into such a tight spot!

I'm going to try and do the little steps to change. Yesterday i spoke to everyone and said that Fridays will be my day off. no more working everyday of the week. I think another thing i should do is join a gym, but am not sure where will i fit that in my daily schedual?

As for medication, i agree with all of you: sometimes depression and healing is not in your hands, and medication is what helps. I am currently refusing it not because i don't beleive in it or because i am afraid, but because i think i should try first and fix the problem, since i think my problems is my enviroment. I have to find out is the problem me? am i making it worse, and can i take the bull by the horns? I am giving myself by the end of June. If by the end of june i am still at the same point where I am today, i will apprach my parents, and tell them i need help, and that maybe i need to see someone. At that point, i won't refuse anything that people tell me I should try.

I think though what i need urgently are suppliments... things to give me an ENERGY boost. I am so tiered, that even after 6 hours sleep, if i get up have coffee and wash up, i can STILL at any point in the day lay my head down and fall asleep for another 6 hours. Do you have suggestions for something that will help with my energy? I',m going to search the rest of the forum and see if there is any mention of this.

Thanks Gillian! And I’m looking it up.

Though I feel so, so much better now. I worked so much in the last few days that yesterday when I went to the office, I felt like I would pass out. I felt queasy; a burning sensation around my chest, and the pain in my shoulders wouldn’t lift even with a pill of Cataflam. I got home, took a nap, and then called up a friend and spent the whole afternoon out, and later joined more people at a bar. Today is Friday, and as I said: I’ve decided this is my day in the week where I don’t do ANYTHING but relax and not to think of anything that I have to do.

And already I feel better. Tonight I’m going to sit down with my agenda, and write down further points to follow: Things I should start doing to improve my days. I’m thinking of going back to the gym, at least an hour a day, and to make it a point that past 7:30 PM I stop working and go out if I want. To be in bed by 12:30 so I get at least 6 hours sleep a day. EVEN if I have deadlines. I think it is time the rest of the world understands that I need a life too. If they get pissed at me taking my own time, then they can fire me and good luck finding someone else who can do my job for them!

I’m trying to regain that ‘control’ of both body and mind I used to have.