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Posted 5/30/2007 12:36 PM (GMT 0)
Ok i will give this another go and katelynn it doesn`t matter about the other post i made i do appreciate your opinions .I understand a some of what you are going through as i said in that last post please feel free to email me at the hotmail address in this forum as the one i used the other day was hubbys . thank you so much .

Depression has crept back into my life and at this stage i do not want to go back to the doctors ...i do not like how he speaks to me especially when he reises his voice i just do not need that at all ....and there is no other doctor within a 300km radius that i can see.

I`m open to any suggestion that i might be able to try .

I have been looking after some small children to keep me going they have stopped me thinking about my abusive past and a lot of things that are going on in my life today .

I do not speak to anyone from where i live and haven`t done so for many years  i just keep everything to myself until i just crack .

I see a psychologist for half an hour every 8 wks she is the only one who i`ve opened up to ,infact she knows a lot more than my hubby a lot of things i just can`t talk to him about .

The suggestion of keeping a diary is no good i have one of my kids who is almost 19 still living here and she goes through all my things every chance she gets .and more to the point what needs to be written down would hurt a lot of people in my life and i do not ever want to do that .

I just have no place here that is safe enough to keep it .

Ihave been so lonely and sad for ages ,eventhough my family is around me it makes no difference some days i don`t want them here either i know it sounds a bit weird but it`s like i just push the ones i love away for no reason at all .

I cry at the drop of a hat and a couple of days ago burst into tears infront of the four toddlers i am caring for they all inturn burst into tears in sympathy it was a site to see thank god noone else was around it took ages for me to get them all to stop ( don`t think i will ever do that again ).

But as i said above any suggestions would be appreciated .....Jane.

Restless

 

Posted 5/30/2007 1:19 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Jane

I guess my first question would be, is there any chance of you seeing the psychologist more often?  Or even be able to chat to her on the phone or via email for more support?

There is a website called MoodGym http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/default.asp which provides CBT online to help treat depression, which might be worth you having a look at.

Just a question, please don't take offence, but do you think it is wise to be looking after small children?  I understand how they would distract you from your issues, but that really just puts off the inevitable.  Also, if you are feeling depressed, the added stress of looking after littlies may not be in your best interests.  Is there something else you could do to keep busy?

I'm sorry that your local doc is not supportive and yells at you, maybe you could take hubby along to your appts so the doc is less likely to be so aggressive? 

about the journal, I've filled several in my time lol, can you get a locked cupboard, or a locking diary or similar, I understand about nosey teenagers, they can be so inconsiderate, but you are entitled to your own piece of privacy if you choose to write.  I have a locking desk cupboard that I have  the key to, hidden in my purse.

I hope these suggestions are of some use Jane.

Best wishes.

Deb

Posted 5/30/2007 11:43 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you Deb,I only wish i could see my psychologist more often because i need it a lot but unfortunately i live in a remote area and that only when she comes out here our medical services really do need something to be desired.I`m not sure if i would be able to contact her between sessions as she works in one of our major cities here but will check with her when she comes out here next time .Thankyou for the link it looks really interesting and i will give it a go .
Looking after the little ones is the only thing that has kept me here otherwise i would not be .I have had so much happen to me in my past and the failure as a mother and the state of my family the little ones make me smile and feel happy .They are in no way in danger as children are my life and i take really good care of them it`s sort of like i`m hiding behind them in a big way i am ,because in looking after them that means i don`t have to go out or see anyone .My psychologist knows me really well and knows what i`m capable of she has encourage me to care for the children .
As for taking hubby to my appointments well it wouldn`t be of much benefit as he is part of the reason why i`m feeling so many of the feelings i have ,i do not talk to anyone else here and haven`t done so for over 16 yrs so i don`t even have anyone who i can even trust evough to hear the things i have to say .
By locking things up in the past didn`t work she just broke the locks but an online friend suggested that i use my hot mail to write things down i just have to figure out how to do this as i`m just into the basics of computers and thats all but will work it out .
Once again Deb thankyou for your suggestions i really do appreciate them .
Hugs....Jane
Restless
Posted 5/31/2007 3:57 AM (GMT 0)

Hi Jane

That's a great idea about being able to keep like an online journal.  You can also do that sort of thing in Word and password protect it so no-one can open it unless they have the password.  Perhaps you could even use this as an option to keep your pschologist up to date on how you are, and she may be able to give you advice in between.   I am very fortunate, my psychologist will take phone calls and emails and will reply if she is concerned (obviously she can't reply to all of them).

I understand about working with the kids and if that works for you and psychologist is happy, that's fantastic - just concerned cos I know how stressful little ones can be at times.

Are you on medication?  I guess that's the issue with the local doctor.  Do you get to larger towns at all? Perhaps you could visit a doctor then and make arrangements for scripts to be posted to you?  I know that's probably not feasible, but I'm trying to think of options. 

Obviously I don't know what's gone on in your life or your community, but is there perhaps a mum's group or childcare group you could visit with the kids and get to know other women locally?  Do you have sisters, mum, aunts nearby you could talk to?

Best wishes Jane

Cheers

Deb

Posted 5/31/2007 8:54 AM (GMT 0)
Deb the little kids i can handle it`s my own that i`m having problems with the one that i mentioned earlier well this morning she bashed me .I`m in so much pain i wish someone would just come and take her away i have really had enough i can`t even stand to be in the same room with her .she is so two sided when the mums come to pick up their kidddies this afternoon she acted as if nothing had happened and there was no way i was going to say anything i so ashamed of whats been happening it`s history repeating it`s self i was bashed constantly by my parents when i was growing up and now by my own child if thats not being a failure then what is.
there is a post here in depression on sexual abuse some of my history is written in there but i had to stop writing about it it was just opening up too many past memories i was loosing everything.
I`m not on meds i stopped taking them a couple of months ago when i was having problems with the dr here ans i can`t go back to him for more so just let them run out .
I use to travel to another place it was a 3.5 hr drive away but i don`t do that anymore i tend to stay at home these days .
believe me the stress caused by the little kiddies are no where as stressful as putting up with this one child of mine in fact this week i have seven extras and have managed ok .
I really need to go i have to get out for a bit just to get away .....Jane
Posted 5/31/2007 9:19 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Jane

You are not a failure.  Please don't think that.  You are one of two parents, for a start.  I'm sorry, I don't know what to say to you about behaviour though, I've never suffered physical violence.  Could you talk to your husband about giving you support with your child?  That sort of behaviour is totally unacceptable, at 19 you can ask her to leave home, she is an adult and no longer your responsibility.  I know that sounds harsh, but if she shows you know respect and treats you that way......

Perhaps you could use a telephone support service - I don't know what is available where you are, but we have Lifeline available here, and they will help you and may be able to refer you to services that can assist.

Best wishes

Deb

Posted 5/31/2007 10:22 PM (GMT 0)
Hello Deb ,
Igrew up with violence and now it`s resurfaced with this child .Ijust feel that if i had of tried a bit harder maybe put more into this one things would of been different but as a mother i treated all my five children the same .This is the only one that is like it .She is the reason why one of the others have left home they couldn`t stand there and watch what has been going on .Ihave been let down so many times over the past 20yrs that i`m at a stage now where i just think why bother any more ,but then this is the result of that .
Lifeline is here so i take it we are both in Australia my only problem is that i have trouble talking to people face to face and on the phone .At one stage i was using the New Zealand online councilling service as it is the only service that has councillors for online service and that was ok but that was a while ago maybe i had better go back to using them again .Writing down things behind the screen is so much easier than other ways .
Today i have decided not to even speak to my daughter simply just block her out .I know last night she knew she had done wrong by hitting me but i just can`t get over this one so fast i`m still in a lot of pain this morning and as i had thought hubby didn`t even say one word ,but really i already knew that that was on the cards .
Thankyou.
Jane
Posted 6/1/2007 11:47 AM (GMT 0)
Today i have been in tears most of the time .I just feel so awful ,but i know if i let my daughter see me then it just gives her something more to get at me with .She saw the great bruise she inflicted on me yesterday and laughed saying a few works that i don`t care to repeat she is such a horrible mean child and i do not want anything to do with her .
I just feel as a mother i have failed big time and it`s making me even worse .
Today i have chosen not to speak to her at all just to totally ignor her and it`s been ok except for the foul language directed at me .Tomorrow i`m planning on doing the same and just try and get away from this place and her for a while .
Restless
Posted 6/1/2007 12:26 PM (GMT 0)
Restless
I know I have posted this before to you,I get so angry when I hear about how your children treat you. I too went through that with my son,he was so mean and it got to the point to where I could not even look at him.
He is still mean on the phone these days,but face to face he is better.
She has no right to hit you!

Shy
Posted 6/4/2007 11:44 AM (GMT 0)
Shy what gets to me is that hubby wouldn`t even say anything to her she just got away with it yet again .Well i haven`t spoken to her since she hit he and have done what an ambulance driver suggested and thats not to cover the bruise and when anyone asks tell them what happened .She is so cunning so not this may eventually get back to her and tomorrow i have to see the dr because of the extent of the burise and the problems it has caused .
Yesterday was such a hard day it started off with an arguement with hubby started by our son .If i could i would of just walked out but because i had little children to care for i needed to be there for them .I am just so sick of being unhappy all the time there is no point being here if thats what its going to be like all the time .
Restless
Posted 6/4/2007 2:48 PM (GMT 0)

restless, I am sorry if this is going to sound harsh...I dont intend it too.  Considering your past (the abuse you suffered) which was no fault of your own but, now your allowing yourself to be victimized again.  Why? 

She is your daughter and I'm sure you love her very much however, that behavior isnt exceptable and your allowing it to escalate by not taking any action.  In my opinion you are in danger in your own home which isnt right. 

She is 19 years old, I would file for a restraining order which would put her out of your house.  If your husband isnt going to step up and do anything then you have too.  This cant go on...it will only increase the more you let it go on.  She needs help but I sounds as if she will have to learn these lessions the hard way.  I dont know...Just my opinion here.

Posted 6/4/2007 7:18 PM (GMT 0)
Restless one:  I had a major breakdown with severe depression some years ago, I still struggle with crying spells. I have gotton off my med's except a zanax now and then. I tell you, it can take a hold of you as it did me, I had no clue what depression was so I didn't go to the doctor and it got very very bad. I had it so bad like you were saying, I shut out my entire family it was very sad. I had an abusive past that I had to come to terms with along with changes in my life style, but I did have to go on a mix of med's that I am so thankful to get off of them, in which I was told I would have to be on them for the rest of my life. My strongest and most sincere advise to anyone going thru the pain of depression, in which I feel is more painful than any physical illness, is thru prayer, honestly, it isn't an over night cure, but if you ask the Lord to help heal you, you can bet he will. You may need some med's for awhile, but prayer is the ticket!!! Ask and you shall recieve. Ask him to heal you of your past, be specific in your words and give it some time, you will come out of this stronger than ever. God bless, your friend Suez
Posted 6/4/2007 9:56 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Jane
I am new to healingwell
i personally am pretty stubbornly against talking to doctors and getting help, and a diary is also out of the question for me thanks to the fact that I have 4 younger siblings, 2 "sort of" siblings whichs add up to 7 kids in one house. I dont know how you feel about running but going for a good run always helps me a bit. If you can get out of your obligations for even ten minutes a day you can forget about everything else, go for a run, and release a lot of the stress that accumalates throughout the day. I also strongly advise karate or kickboxing. it is an awesome release and if you find a dojo you love it becomes a second home =) Like yourself I also keep everything in until i crack and have a complete breakdown. I am really sorry that you also feel this way and hope that your having a good day.
I'll be praying for you,
LG
Posted 6/5/2007 11:50 AM (GMT 0)
Restless
Another thought to this:

If your daughter is going to hit her own mother,then what is going to happen if she has kids?
That was a major thought in my mind with my son. I still worry when he gets a serious girlfriend.

The girl needs a reality check. I agree with Elisha,it is time


Shy
Posted 6/7/2007 10:34 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you everone for all your suggestioms and help .The reason i just do`nt walk away is because in a way i feel i`m responsible for whats wrong with her .The thing is that when i was 23 wks pregnant with her i became just so sick with some sort of virus and when she was only two months old the drs then told me it was that virus that effected her so badly and like any mother would do i blamed myself for it and the fact that i should of seen a dr Maybe some of the damage could of been prevented i just do not know.
Shy as for when she ever if she has kids of her own believe me there will be a lot of people watching her every move and believe me any children will be checked and the first sign of any abuse and they will be gone thats a promise i made to myself .In my heart i just hope and pray she will never have any .I know thats a horrible think to say but even worse for a small child to grow up in a home full of anger .
I still have not spoken to her and this in itself has made her realise what she has done ,I still have so much bottled up inside me that it`s going to take a long time if ever to get past this.
Restless
Posted 6/8/2007 12:31 PM (GMT 0)
Restless
It was not your fault that you had a virus. There was no way that you could have prevented that.
I am still in shock that your husband lets this go on.
Does she hit him? Does she talk to him like that?

That girl needs to get into counseling before she hurts someone or you badly.


Shy
Posted 6/9/2007 11:45 AM (GMT 0)
Restless
I found this site for you: I read it all,and it made me cry. In fact I might print it out for my son when he starts again.


www.angelsthatcare.org/silent_abuse.html
Posted 6/12/2007 9:57 AM (GMT 0)
Shy i know they have told me that it wasn`t my fault but thats not how i see it .

I tried to access the site but it just tells me the page can not be displayed  .

thanks for trying .

Restless

Posted 6/12/2007 11:22 AM (GMT 0)
Restless,I just clicked it and it worked..maybe you can just try copying and pasting this link:

http://www.angelsthatcare.org/silent_abuse.html

I really hope you can get to it,it says so much.



Shy
Posted 6/16/2007 3:07 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you so much Shy i was finally able to access it on my lap top there was something with the home computer that blocked the site ,you are right it`s a good site but from what i have read so far today it`s just so true how it started and how it`s got to where it has now.I have been looking into getting some support but thats a lot easier said than done .

I have been feeling so bad these past few days and the thoughts are not the ones i would like to share with anyone .Last night in particular was very hard to take and it`s only by luck that i`m still here today .

I will continue reading the site some more soon .

Restless

Posted 6/16/2007 12:56 PM (GMT 0)
It is a very cool site, I wish I would have found it a long time ago. I could have used it for sure.
Please stay strong and if you want you can email me anytime..



Shy
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