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When You Realize That Faith and Hope are gone.

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Posted 6/12/2007 10:15 PM (GMT 0)
I am having a really hard time putting what I want to say in words.  I know that we have to be careful here as not to alarm anyone with negative thoughts as I will try my best.

This forum has been instrumental in helping get through some of my darkest days and nights.  It has also been a gateway for someone that loved and cared deeply for me to make sure I was ok, they  no longer read this forum sad  . 

 

Today has been a day that has been instrumental in my future decision making about all that matters to me. 

 

I am tired, frustrated, angry, hopeless, sad, feeling worthless and most of all, all alone.  Today was one of those days when you just wish you had that one person that you could call and say that you needed them and they would be there in a second.  I didnt have that today.  I cried and cried and asked why when my faith is so strong and I have showed strength in all the crap I have gone through that I must deal with being alone.

 

For the first time in my life, I have decided to give up on what I have held dear and sacred.  You know they say that God will only give you what you can handle and that there will be times when you say ok enough is enough, i have done that so many times that I am not going to ask anymore.  I know after today that my faith was not enough and in my opinion God has given me way too much way too quick.  I am convinced that in faith there is no reality and that faith is very possibly a way of "stuffing" all that you hope will or will not be.

 

I have been thankful for small miracles that have let me smile when i was down, i thanked my faith for them as well.

 

If faith is all i have then where do i go from here,  after all isnt reality what we are supposed to be dealing with.

 

I am tired and depressed and dont know what tomorrow brings.

 

Oh I forgot the topper on this whole day, the pysch doc that I was excited to get to see, HE REFUSED ME HIS SERVICES BECAUSE OF MY SEVERE CASE OF DEPRESSION AND BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!!  Bottom line is this, he is yet another person turning his back on me.  I have decided to cancel all my other doc appts., i am done with this.  I will take my chances with "reality" and see what it has in store for me.

love you guys

 

" It’s hard to lose someone you love, to finally say goodbye. You try to be strong, but the pain keeps holding on, and all you can do is cry. Deep within your heart, you know it’s time to move on, when the fairytale you once knew is gone."
Unknown

 

" As I stared into your eyes, you asked me why I was about to cry, it's because I know you were going to say good-bye."
Unknown

 

Posted 6/13/2007 11:30 AM (GMT 0)
Faithfully

I am very sorry that you are going through so much pain.
I know the days where you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. You think that you will never be happy again and what is the point?
But, it took me awhile and lots of pain later,and I somehow made it. I still have my dark days. And I still cry and scream and get very angry.
I have to really remind myself that it could be worse,I am alive,my kids are ok and I am finally in a relationship to where I am not being hurt and being taken care of.

Your faith is what has kept you strong. That is not something you should ever question.
I have said this a million times and will always keep saying it...Us,the people that live with depression are probably the strongest people there are. Most people would crumble if they had to endure our pain and despair.
But,we somehow make it everyday. Often we do not know how,but we do it.

Please stay strong

Shy
Posted 6/14/2007 10:48 PM (GMT 0)
For different reasons, I agree with Shy.  We are incredibly strong people.  I am not a religious person although I would not critisize anyone who is.  I say we all have to find what works for us.  You are a person of faith.  Faith of any kind takes a lot of energy.  Allowing yourself some time to rest that energy is not giving up.  It is alright to rely on yourself for a while.  We all need to have time to find our way and it is alright for you to find your way with or without religious faith.  You are strong, you can rely on yourself and while doing so perhaps along the way others will see how strong you are and allow themselves to join your posse.  Let yourself rest, you will know when it is time to bloom again and you will know in what direction to bloom when it is time.

Posted 6/14/2007 11:57 PM (GMT 0)
Faithfully,

Let me thank you for your honesty. I am going through a dark time like you and am feeling as you are. I have actually gained some strength from your message  because I know I am not the only one feeling llike this.

I have had dark times before in my life and been angry at God. I've learned I can tell him how angry I am and he always points me back to His love even in my darkness.

I am  angry because I am alone--answers to prayer did not come when it would be so easy for Him to "give me what I want and need."

I don't understand, but I know He values my faith and dependence on Him.

I ran across this prayer in a book called "The art of prayer" by Tim Johnson last night.

"Lord, you know the swirl of emotions within me. Help me not let my anger or disappointment drive me away from you. Help me to be honest and yet not get stuck in my frustration. Amen

 

Posted 6/15/2007 2:34 AM (GMT 0)
K~

thank you for your post.  I want you to know that I cried when I read it because you truly know how I feel.  Thank you for the prayer.

Today was a day where once again, I was tested and I failed.  No more faith, for so many reasons.

 

K, again thank you, it meant more than you know.

Posted 6/15/2007 12:26 PM (GMT 0)
Teresa,

Sometimes you need to separate Faith from "controlling one's own destiny" Faith gives you a focus or direction but you are the driver. Your actions will be influenced by your Faith and your Faith will influence your actions. The 2 go hand in hand. One without the other is like a car with no gas.

What did you mean when you said you were "tested today and failed"? Curious.
Posted 6/16/2007 5:43 PM (GMT 0)
sad  Strengthin1~

Just additional issues in my life that are hard for me to cope with.  I look for signs and don't see any.  I just really believe in signs. :)

For the last several months I have been relying heavily on my faith and although I have been blessed many times over that period time, I guess there are things in my life that I want so very badly that it takes a piece of my heart everyday.  I actually think that I am dying of a broken heart.

Thanks for caring.

:)

Posted 6/16/2007 7:19 PM (GMT 0)
Teresa,

I too am sorry that you are feeling the way you do right now. It's nice to see that some of the posts here have been of comfort to you - that's a good sign!

I have had minor episodes of depression in my life, so I can relate somewhat, but more because I have a wife who is going through a tough time in her life right now.

I'm also not a religious person, but I do believe in the human spirit and that we are all connected. These forums are proof positive that - even in the darkest times - a few words from a stranger can affect someone positively in their life if they are willing to look for it (as you have done by posting your very personal thoughts here).

I'm glad to see that you are still reaching out...another good sign...for some kind of sense to all that you are going through. The fact is, sometimes we need some major perspective alterations before we can see clearly what has gone on in our life. Right now, it's way too close to you for you to see around things and have a better (or clearer) perspective. That's one thing that unfortunately can't be rushed. It'll come in time and you just have to believe (i.e., have faith) that it will. Hopefully that faith that the understanding will come can help you to take a deep breath and take the first baby steps to getting back on your feet for YOU. After all, YOU are the only person you have control over...and that's a good thing in the grand scheme of life.

Take care,

Rick...
Posted 6/16/2007 9:53 PM (GMT 0)

Teresa, I too feel I am dying of a broken heart. I ran across one of your earlier emails where you said your age and thought you were the oldest on the board.

I am much older than you. But when I was a little older than you are now, the love of my life came into my life and I, like you, look for signs and believed all the events were answers to prayer. There were so many miraculous things that happened during the time that person was in my life. But then, it ended and it wasn't my choice.

I'm not telling you this to discourage you since I didn't have a happy ending. But to encourage you since you are still young and you shoulld keep yourself open to the idea of a new relationship. I didn't do that and I think wasted precious time.

In the meantime, I know I have to just have a life somehow. I'm still working on that and I feel despair often.

Posted 6/17/2007 2:25 AM (GMT 0)
sad  Thank you rick and korrisa for your thoughts~

K~thanks for telling me something that obviously opened up wounds that you thought might have "scabbed" over.  I can tell in your post that you miss that person and still love them, I could be wrong but I just get the feeling.  I understand what you are saying but I have to tell you that I really dont see me being without this person the rest of my life, I am DEAD serious when I say I am dying of a broken heart.  I have never loved any man like I love this man.  Yes, there have been interuptions in our lives but noone will ever take his place in any aspect of my life.  This may sound pathetic to some people but there is not a minute that goes by that he is not in a thought!

 

I even try to busy myself in the evenings knowing that he is trying to get on with his life and that he has someone lying next to him where I used too!!!!  This kills me because just the very thought of another woman lying there next to "my baby" is worse than death itself.  In fact I am sitting here now hoping that he is fast asleep. 

 

I dont care what anyone says I found the true love of my life and I will go down fighting for this man if it takes me the rest of my life to do so.

 

You did not discourage me when you said that it ended.  The reason I say this is because this man and I have "ended" it with each other over a dozen times and we both love each other too much to let go of each other!  I believe that I will always be an ember that will always be lit in his soul.

 

I love him so much and someday, God willing, we will look back at this time apart and thank the heavens for our strength and faith.

 

 

 

 

 

Posted 6/17/2007 4:22 AM (GMT 0)

 I wish it had "scabbed over" as you thought. It is still fresh for me after 8 years (before that we were together 6 years) and although we have remained  friends, the pain is there always. He is on my mind always.

I've tried to be interested in other men, but I think I'm similar to you in that I feel that he is my soul mate. And there are only one of those in one's life I believe.

The logical part of me knows that being a soul mate is supposed to work both ways.

I was the one who asked for at least a friendship  , and I cherish the rare times we are together. But I am always grieving that it is not more than friendship now.

I know this isn't supposed to be a board for solving relationship problems. But just thought that since I am older and in retrospect see what I think was a mistake (staying friends) and not moving on that I thought it might help.

I just pray that you don't in the future regret getting on with your life (as I do) because he is  getting on with his.  I don't mean that coldly or critically. My friends do not understand that I can still be emotionally attached to him, and I know how much that hurts.

Prayers for both of us this night!

Posted 6/18/2007 4:58 AM (GMT 0)
sad  K~

WOW!  I knew from your post that you felt like you did!  I know that only someone that experiences love like I have and you as well can understand the emotions that you go through even after so many years.  I always say that there is no one out there that understands but I truly believe you can!

There are so many things that I want to ask you but I will email you with some of them.  I guess the most obvious is this, how in the world can you just be "friends" with him?  I guess that is what keeps my baby and I apart, there is NO way I could ever be his friend and talk with him about his girlfriend.  It would devastate me.  I have also tried to go on with my life but there is no doing it.  Everything is my baby. We both have shared our physical selves with another but to me mine was ONLY physical.  No emotion or feeling.  I could never be his "friend"

 

The only thing that gets me through the days without him is the hope that he takes the risk and allows me to be the woman that he once could not live without.  I pray every day, but my knees are getting weak.

 

Yes you said that when you are soulmates it must be sought on both sides.  I agree and I have a hard time with understanding why it is so hard to stay away from me.  I made really bad mistakes in the past and those haunt him but I have always wondered to myself, how can you stay away from the one that you love more than anything else in the world.  I guess I just hopes that the love that we share is enough to withstand his doubt and fear, he would not regret it.

I miss and love him so very much!!!!!

Posted 6/18/2007 7:05 PM (GMT 0)
Soulmates? I met mine when I was 2 years old and he was 17. it wasn't until 18 years later that we found out we had known each other. All the ups and downs, the marriage's/divorce/re-marriage and now death. All the times we hurt each other and then when we just got too tired to fight and came together. It took 45 years to get to that point.
I read your thoughts and it takes me back. I try to help our son who sounds just exactly like faithfully. I can't get through. He feels at 38 he will never find another. She was his soulmate in his mind and maybe she is. BUT I KNOW IN MY HEART that you have to surrender.
I heard once about a person complaining that GOD never answered her on her problems. But GOD responded, "BUT YOU NEVER LET GO"
Acceptance has to be there. Letting go has to be a part of it. Is it hard?
OF COURSE. You are grieving and it is ok. Age has nothing to do with feelings. The one thing I think that helped me years ago was I finally forgave myself for all those things real or imagined that I did to myself and others. I also forgave God although gotta admit that was a harder one to deal with. Keep typing it helps.
Posted 6/20/2007 12:16 AM (GMT 0)
:-)  Teri~

WOW, WHAT A WONDERFUL POST!!!!  Extremely encouraging!! And I also have to say that there are things you spoke of that gave me goosebumps because someone I love and I just had this conversation about God and seemingly "unanswered prayers".  Wow, what I sign I think it is that you wrote what you did about giving in too feelings for someone and just going with it!!!

 

Down deep in his heart, he wants so bad to be part of my life and I think what you said speaks words that maybe I couldnt say to him.

 

THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH, YOU ARE A GIFT FROM GOD TO ME AND MY SPECIAL BABY!!!!!!!!

Posted 6/20/2007 3:14 AM (GMT 0)
gosh I know exactly how this feels..... I pray, feel better, feel great in fact and then the depression agan, AGAIN overtakes the good that i am feeling and WHAM back down to the dark pit again. I have done this cycle forever.... Faith feels like such a wonderful fix when I pray, feel better and swear to never lose faith again..... so why does the evil beast depression take over so easily? despite everythign i have tried and believe me i have tried everything.... I dont get it. I am sitting here at work, totally useless because no one is supervising me and I havent got the umpf of my own to work when I know I shold be, so I sit here, dreading going home, dreading getting up in the morning, dreading facing another f'in day..... and alone..... not really alone, I have my family, but they do not understand and do not seem to have patience for my condition and isues, so I dont verbalize them.....

anyway, i know this is your thread, I just wanted you to know you are not alone alone with the faith thing, its very, very tricky business that I just dont get.

keep on.....
Posted 6/20/2007 12:48 PM (GMT 0)
sad  Asking~

I just want to say that this is not my post, it is our post. :)  I am glad that you found a place to tell us how you feel.  I will say that I know exactly how you feel and there are days as I said I wonder how in the world I made it through a particular day or event.  There are days when my faith is the last thing that I want to believe in, but it is ultimately the one thing I cling on too when all else is gone.

 

I know that it sounds clique, but it really is.  As far as depression and why it comes and goes, I could tell you a million reasons whey all related to the fact that we have no control over it.  Yes, we can fight it and as you have, I have tried several almost all treatments to kill this demon, and after 42 years, it still reaks havoc on me and the people I love.  That is where my faith comes in and assures me that it is depression and although today is a day where it is winning, tomorrow may be a day where the walls of your fortress per say are a little higher and you can defend yourself a little better.  Do I hate depression, YOU BET I DO, MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD!!!!!!!!!  Has it taken away some of the things I hold most dear, YES!! 

 

You stated that you worked, I want you to know that I am not working because at this time it would be impossible for me to hold one.  Do I feel like a useless piece of crap, more than you know!!!  I understand the feeling of being a "waste of space" on this great big earth but I also know that no matter how useless I feel, I always find a reason sometimes so small it vanishes really quick, that I have reason to believe that I may not be as bad as I think I am.  Be proud that you can hold a job no matter how hard you struggle, trust me, I would give anything if I could at least be productive enough to "go" to a job.

 

I am not one to blow smoke or hid behind what I am feeling so when I say that most of my days on this earth are ones where I can honestly say, why am I here and how did I make it through all the crap that depression has given me, I stop and think to myself that I really dont know how I did it and can I keep doing it, I dont know, FAITH will see me through, though.  Will it get better, who knows, probably not at least for the most part but it is those times that make a difference and are few and far between that hold me together and look forward to tomorrow being a better day than today.

 

I will never say to you, "it could be worse"  because I think that is the most overrated statement in the world.  Your worse could be the most devasting experience in the world to "you" and in someone else's eyes be the most "laughable, I can't believe that upsets them" impression.

 

Keep the faith and know yes maybe it could be worse or maybe it is the worst at that point in time but there are always positives, no matter how small, to go on.

 

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