HEY SINGER69 - RICK

Leigh Ann,

First, I'm trying to understand what she's going through and want to get feedback on what I should and shouldn't do for her.

Secondly, not all five kids are hers (we didn't plan on five). I have two from a previous marriage that are with us half the time, I adopted her two and we have a 2 1/2 year old together. The thing you may have missed (or I may not have said in the postings) is that I am the one who does the meals and the picking up after the kids and the grocery shopping and over half the laundry and I'm the breadwinner to boot. You may have also read that I'm at the end of my rope with the situation because my wife isn't exhausted, she's just not taking care of the things she needs to in order for our household to keep going. She watches TV constantly as an escape (been there before myself, so it's very obvious). She leans on the older kids to watch the 2 1/2 year old A LOT as well as my taking care of her when I'm home.

I have MANY times told her about this site and others, but she is in the place where she doesn't want to admit that there's a problem. She isn't seeking help at all. She has only "gone along" with my suggestions that she seek help. She talks to others and says that she's perfectly fine, but when we speak alone, she tells me that she isn't happy and she just doesn't see herself getting happy anytime soon and that her happiness isn't as important as everyone else's. I try and get her to see that there's more to it than that. That if she can balance it out and find something that makes her happy (a hobby, a college class, a work from home business - whatever) that she might be surprised at how her outlook could change. A happy mom and wife is a much better scenario for everyone than one who is miserable and making sure that everyone else knows it.

I have even offered for her to read my posts, but she's not ready for that yet. I haven't said anything here that she can't read.

The other thing you may be missing here (and again, I may not have said this) is that she wasn't depressed when we met. She was ecstatic that she found a guy who loved her and her kids and wasn't an ***hole (her words) to her. She said and did all of the right things. I didn't make the depression connection for easily three years. I think that it was a grass is greener situation and that once she realized that having a husband who loved her and having her and her kids taken care of didn't change the things going on in her mind, she started to slip again. That's when I started to make connections to other times in her life and her mom told me a few things as well as her friend from high school who told me that she had self-esteem issues way back then.

So, while I'm mildly offended at you saying that I'm "making myself out to be the perfect concerned husband", it really doesn't bother me. I don't care how I'm portrayed. I care about my wife, our marriage, and our family. I want to move onto a better path with her because I've been taking the "step back" approach for years and created an environment where she could thrive, but she didn't. The problems got worse until things blew up a couple of months ago. Everything is all out in the open now (we didn't talk about it before much), so I am taking advantage of that and trying to help her get to a better place. I literally can't sit around and watch her spiral further. My taking up the slack around the house (she is a stay at home mom) has caused my business to slow down, which is NOT good for our family. I have to focus more on work.

Rick...

Hi Teresa,

I am keeping an open mind and I do know that everyone here cares. I just was responding to the assumptions - I wasn't angry.

Thanks,

Rick...

hi

I read your post with interest because your wife sounds like I did in my 30's. You also remind me of my dear hubby who passed last month.

When I was young I couldn't tell anyone how I felt. I felt useless and all I really wanted to do is escape. Sure I loved my hubby but I just felt so darn tired. It was more than that. I learned later I was absolutely depressed. I used to think if I was with someone else it would be different. It wasn't. we divorced but basically stayed together and then remarried.
I suggest you tell her that there is NOTHING she could say that would change your mind. But is there really? What if she told you that she didn't love you any more? Maybe in her mind she likes you but thinks she doesn't love you? I thought like that but found out that I was wrong. I was trying to rationalize to myself why I was doing everything wrong and didn't feel happy and no joy. So I figure that it had to be him. These things are hard to face. A while before my hubby passed he told me that "he never thought it could be this good with me".
I trusted him with my life and soul but it took a long time to get to that point. I know you don't think of yourself as "Mr perfect" just trying to find out how to change things. A family with children deserves to be raised in a JOYOUS family where happiness is openly shown.
One thing that I know won't work is if you place blame on her. She is always probably blaming herself for the whole world.
Good luck and don't give up on the forum you might find some way to get her into therapy and some medicine.

Cranky1:

No harm done. I understand.

Teri1:

Thank you for your post. That does sound a lot like my wife. She's blaming herself for everything and it's difficult to watch her go through that. I really hope that we can get to that joyous place as well - sooner than later.

Rick...