Is this all part of the big D??

I am horrible about my boyfriends family to him, I don't know why as they are fantastic to me, always have been and treat me like one of there own. But I can't stop getting sly digs in there, just basically being a pure b**ch about them (sorry if I can't say that).

Also today at lunch time,my bf sent me a text asking me to phone him. I did and he told me about him changing football teams. I just snapped, was really horrible to him and told him I wasn't interested and hung up. The two people I was with looked at me totally shocked. They could'nt understand why I acted in that way-nor could I!! I do stuff like this all the time. Before he phoned I had already felt inside wound up adgitated and fidgity, but for no reason no-one or nothing had done anything to me!!

This isn't me!! I never used to be like this, is it depression or am I just a really horrible person?

p.s You may all be wondering what happened with my docs appointment re changing councillor-well he was off y/day for my appointment but we have to see him tomorrow!!

Yes, it is the depression and what ever you do, get it tight!  Believe me when I say that it is these horrible, ugly times that will eventually rob you of everything that you truly love!!

I understand when you say that you "enjoy" the angry person and how it effects the people that you love, I was the same way but I didnt enjoy, I felt empowered.  I was empowered because the people that loved me figured it was the depression and found it necessary to overlook the actions of the person they knew didnt mean it, HOWEVER, it hardens these same people and they start to realize that this is a symptom of depression and the ones that it doesnt break it hardens!!!

I know this first hand and have done everything I can to not do this.  it is hard because it is almost like there is a little person inside of you telling you that you need to be this way to be in control, TRUST ME YOU DO NOT!!!!

I have found the times when I feel like this, I try to be positive and say positive things.  The worst thing you can do is do what you are doing, sometimes you cant take it back, and if you do say something that you regret seconds later, apologize then and there and they will know that you are really trying not to do the hateful things you say or do.

It works, try it.

After my trip to the docs basically, he said he can't change my councillor, I have to go back and see my current one and tell her everything that happened that Saturday when everything came spilling out and then my councillor will assess whether I need to go to hospital to see a new councillor or someone more 'above' her.

Thing is I don't want to speak to this councillor. I don't feel comfortable and I have been seeing her since Feb and I don't feel a bit better, maybe worse.

I was on such a high a couple of weeks ago I felt great about everything, and this week I feel so low again. My mood differs from high to low, this can happen day by day or hour by hour!

I today have worked out something, regarding my relationship. The week I felt great I thought my boyfriend was being fantastic, totally different from normal and I felt great. Infact he was being no different from what he normally was, but because I felt better, I thought he was being better.

I learned that maybe he is lovely and great all the time, but due to me feeling how I am I don't see this all the time, but when I feel better about myself, I appreciate him.

If that didn't make sense sorry but it did in my head, I am close to tears today as I am feeling rubbish again, teary and down. I care so much for him I feel that really strongly but I dunno I could just sleep my life away at th moment. I'm having trouble sleeping at nights, really nervy and edgy, I worry of the most stupid of things, and I think everyone hates me and is against me, its totally strange as in front of my close friends I am sometimes the most outspoken confident person ever, then others I just want to cower away and I feel they all hate me.

At this precise moment in time, I do not have a clue what the hell is going on in my life or who I've become. I feel I should be locked away from everyone. I feel crazy. I sit and watch my life rush by me, but I am not living it. I have lost nearly a year of my life to this.

I honestly hate it, i feel like a zombie, I feel no purpose in life, I think 'what am I waiting on' as I constantly feel I am waiting on something, for it all to return back to normal.

I am so so sorry if all of this is a babble and doesn't make sense, but its all rushing about my head and putting it out into words lets it out a bit.

If anyone can relate to any of this due to their own experiences please let me know. I feel mental!!

A very sad and tired, Katie :(

I know that you have alot on your plate and I wish there was a magic wand to wave but there is not, my advice is to get to someone that will listen, such as maybe a crisis hotline or mental health center where there are people there that will sit and listen, although they may not be able to help at that very moment, at least it may be someone you may feel comfortable in talking with.  And to top that, alot of those services are free.

Good luck.