Seeking advice for dealing with depressed wife

Thanks for the update Rick.

I know it is still early days for you and your wife yet but it sounds like you are on the right track. Its not going to be easy with her coming of the AD's even if it is only for a week or so. But it should help the psychiatrist better judge of how to help you. Is it possible to substitute items in your shopping that are sugar free? It might be a way of starting to deal with the substance abuse.

Best Wishes

Darren

Yeah,

My wife has been struggling with depression.  I found her passed out in the bathtub tonight.  We have two small boys and I don't have a clue what to do.  I thought of taking the boys and leaving as a form of shock therapy,but don't know the wisdom of that.

I'd be glad to hear from anyone going through the same thing.

THanks

She says she doesn't love you because that's her way of coping - she can't deal with all her emotions and mixed up feelings at the moment and the one stable thing -you - is a good target. remember that - she just needs support and asking for help is really hard - especially to someone you love. hope the web site with coping strategies help - can they offer her counselling or therapy? that's the best way to help - not just leaving her and you to cope on your own.

hugs

Linda xx

 I understand the "bullets" comments - having fired enough of them at my husband the past few years!!

She is still with you - she still loves you. But you need to be honest with her too. My husband says it's like he's walking on egg shells - he's never sure when he can say something and when I'll just accuse him of "getting at me".

Pick a moment and tell her the one thing you can't cope with the most - the one thing that is driving a wedge between you. Say it calmly and honestly and with love and she will hear you!

thinking of you and your wife xx

Hi there, I am in a similar situation. I have been with my wife for 9 years and we have a 2 year old son. I suspect that she had PND after the birth of our boy but I somehow missed the signs, along with both her and my family with whom we are very close. We are in good shape financially but we've had quite a few legal issues in our businesses that have consumed me for the last year or so.

I was away on business overseas for 3 weeks in May and upon my return she asked me to leave the house, saying she did not love me and the marriage was over. She was angry which was a real surprise to me as she is usually a gentle soul. I then discovered that there was a guy at work who had been telling her that she was unhappy because of me and that he'd make her happy. nothing had happened but it was unhelpful. When I spoke to her about it, she broke down, suggested she wanted to commit suicide and that she had cried every day for the last 2 years. I arranged a pshyc assesment and we have discovered that she is depressed and has an anxiety disorder.

I had real hope that now that we knew about it, we could work together and heal. She has different ideas and I am now banned from knowing disagnosis/prognosis. She is angry, vengeful and is saying things about me that are not true.

I am standing by her. I love her and I promised to stick by her through good and bad but it's really hard. Is the anger and blame directed at me usual in these things? Should I just be aloof for a while until she'd ready to talk with me again, what can I do to help her?

Hey kiwi,

Man, you are in a similar situation. I really wish that I was on the other side of this thing (you can probably relate to that!) so that I could tell you how this ends up, but I'm just not sure at this point. I do know that as frustrating as it gets, at the end of the day I feel good that I'm standing by her (most days). There are days - I'll freely admit - that I feel that I've had enough. I had a friend ask me this morning where my breaking point is and I told him that while I feel that I've been TO the breaking point several times over the past few weeks, I clearly haven't moved past it. I've been very, very close.

I've noticed with my wife that when I show the signs of being at the breaking point, she actually moves forward (not a lot, but she does move forward) and starts talking about the future as if everything is fine. I suppose that's a good sign in the grand scheme of things. I'm certainly not trying to get a reaction when I am in that place, but it is something I've noticed.

You may have read above that someone told me that she's sending her frustrations and pointing her anger at me because I'm the one person she knows won't leave, so I'm a safe and logical target. Doesn't that make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside?

It's a very tough situation to be in for us, and I haven't figured it out yet. But I do have these glimpses (like today) of the woman I fell in love with and married and it gives me the energy to get through another day with this. It's a lonely place to be and it is absolutely thankless (so far, anyway...I hope that changes in the long run). I'm a human being and I need things as well to feel secure and safe within my marriage, but apparently she is absolutely unable to give that to me right now. Ugh.

Hang in there and welcome to the forum. You'll find some great support here - I recommend you start a new thread about your specific situation. Please feel free to Email me directly (click on the envelope under my user name at the left). I'd be happy to share thoughts and progresses with you - it just might help both of us.

Rick...

You've got it, my friend. Any time.

Rick...

HSE:

You have no idea how much I wish that we could switch roles for one day. I really think that it'd change things. Alas, that isn't possible and she's not in a place to be able to truly communicate her true feelings to me, so I'm left guessing.

Unfortunately, my wife hasn't been in a place to hug me and tell me that she loves me. I'm not sure she ever will to be honest. She keeps saying that she just isn't good with relationships and being affectionate or showing affection. Of course, she was affectionate and attentive the first few years, to which she explains that everything was "new" and we didn't have all of the baggage. Oy. My response is that she's clearly capable but something in her head is holding her back.

Thanks for the feedback.

Rick...

Small Update:

As you may have read, my wife was diagnosed by a psychiatrist with sugar addiction. She was also told that she lacks some personal and relationship skills that she needs to be an adult (i.e., taking care of herself, giving as well as taking within a relationship, etc.).

She's not a happy camper by any stretch about either, but the sugar thing is really upsetting her. I never thought of a sugar addiction as a narcotic (her psychiatrist's word), but the medical community takes this very seriously and I can now see why. The day we found out about this, my wife was crying and saying that candy has always been there for her, etc. It sounds like someone addicted to alcohol or something more serious.

I purchased a book that I highly recommend to anyone who may think that they or someone they care about might have a sugar/carb addiction. It's called Sugar Shock (http://www.sugarshock.com). It's a new book (January 2007) and it has opened my eyes to A LOT of things that I attributed to my wife having a deep depression. While I do believe that she has depression issues, I'm leaning toward thinking that they stem (for the most part - obviously there are other factors, such as her environment and attitude) from her poor diet.

There's a chapter in Sugar Shock that is entirely about how the afflicted sugar addict can ruin their relationships because of low self-esteem, feelings of hopelessness, very low libido, not feeling worthy, etc. The first page of that chapter had me screaming "Eureka!!" in my head. It described my wife perfectly.

I'm by no means saying that this is the only answer, but it is nice to have a possible culprit, which is much better (as I'm sure some of you may agree) than not knowing what causes your feelings of depression. Again, I am aware that if this sugar thing is a cause, there are many other things that my wife and I need to work on because she has lived with this her entire life and has made decisions within this "altered" state of mind. There is a lot of damage to undo here. But at least we have a place to start.

She's in denial at the moment about 60% of the time. She didn't agree with me that her sugar addiction has been unhealthy for her (she weighs 105 pounds). I pointed out that we just two weeks ago got a line of credit for $3,500 to fix all of the damage to her teeth. She thinks that the damage to her teeth was done by her first pregnancy. Ugh. But to her credit, she has begrudgingly stopped chowing down candy. She's having a piece of licorice here and there, but nothing like before. So, some of this attitude is coming from withdrawals, I'm sure. I bought her a big bag of Splenda, but she claims that she hates it and can't eat it. Oy.

Anyway, it's still a daily struggle and the roller coaster from heck, but we're hanging in there. She is no longer saying that she's leaving, but she's still not doing anything every day. I can't get her (I've stopped asking or pointing out - so you know) to clean, do things for herself or the kids, go grocery shopping, etc. I'm still doing everything around the house (cleaning, cooking, etc.) on top of trying to keep my business afloat. I really hope that things start turning around...at least moving forward to some degree or another.

Oh, so everyone knows, my wife is now off of all meds. The psych. wants her to get off of everything so that he can see who she really is. I don't totally disagree considering we have something to work with right now (her diet).

Thank you to everyone for your support and great advice. Also for sharing similar stories - that helps out a lot and keeps me going every day.

Rick...

 I agree - without you what would she do?

You will see alight at the end of the tunnel -some day.

Am so glad the book helped - your Eureka moment made me smile :)

Thinking of you xx

Rick
Any type of addiction is hard on everyone around them.


I was just sitting her thinking that I bet it would be hard to find some type of group therapy in your area for sugar addiction? I wonder if there is such a thing..if there was that would be great,then your wife would maybe feel "normal" for an hour or so...hmmm let me do some research on that.


Shy

Shy:

I do have a few leads. Apparently Overeater's Anonymous has a lot of sugar addicts and deals with that regularly (they have a lot of people who aren't obese at all...I guess it's a stereotype to think that anyone going there must be fat). I'm looking into the local mental health office as well. Thing is, she's still in denial and gets angry with me for very trivial things. She's clearly irritable about having to give up sugar and I'm sure she's going through withdrawals on top of it.

Goddess:

I do understand what you are saying. I have friends who say that I should just let her go and figure things out and I have friends who say that I should instead find a way for me to cope for myself and the kids. I tend to lean toward the latter, mainly because I do love her and I do want our family to stay together. I keep asking myself, "Okay, if I had a crystal ball and knew exactly how this would go, and I was assured that - even if it was horrible for another year or two - things would eventually work out and we'd be happy and healthy and the family would be intact, would I stay and go through this." The answer is "yes", so I think that I do have to figure out how to cope.

The unfortunate thing (according to me) is that I think the only way to do that is for me to disconnect from her. Meaning that I wouldn't have any desire for her, wouldn't want to be around her, wouldn't try and overtly help her or buy her books or talk to her about therapy, etc. I'm afraid that if I do that - since she's already done that with me - that it will be the beginning of the end for our marriage. But at this point, it may be the only option left other than just leaving. *sigh*

Did you see my new signature? I have always liked that song Daughters by John Mayer and for some reason never really heard the opening verses until last week. Wow are they accurate to my situation.

Thank you both for your thoughts. It really, really means a lot to me.

Rick...

I am glad you found something,I searched on the net and could not come up with anything just simply for "sugar addiction". I am sure it is a common thing though.

You are a great and caring husband and one day when your wife has come to terms with all of this she will realize how lucky she is.


Shy