Continued - - My depression has torn my marriage apart

I tried posting on my other post, but it didn't seem to work.

I haven't been posting in a while because my computer "died" and I had to buy a new one.

Well.....this morning my husband, as he was walking out the door to go to work, said to me that I should start telling everybody that we are done.  He has threatened me with divorce off and on for a little while now.  He has also told me to find my own place to live in the recent past. 

I just wanted to update you.  I appreciate all the posts and advice I have got from everyone. Today, I am spending most of my day looking for a new place to live. 

Later

Hey alicia54321,

Hold on a minute.  Don't go anywhere!!!  You said that you feel your depression is the reason your husband wants to divorce you.  By his actions, just "dropping the bomb" on the way out the door, says that he is selfish and uncaring.  You do need to be away from this jerk.  He's probably at the root of your depression in a lot of ways.  You don't deserve to be treated this way.

However,  if he wants the divorce, then let him leave.  Don't you budge an inch.  If you leave, it will look like you are ending the marriage instead of your husband.  If you leave, you are giving up a lot of leverage.  Your husband doesn't deserve to live in your home.  Stand your ground and tell him that you aren't going anywhere.  If he wants to be away from you, then he can leave.  He can't force you out.  If he gets ugly about it,  call the police, then get a restraining order.  If he leaves, it will be considered "abandonment", a very good thing to have on your side.  Also, call and have an initial consultation with every good divorce lawyer in town, as fast as you can.  That way, your husband can't hire any of them, because they have already consulted with you.  Pick whichever one you like, but get the others tied up so your husband can't use any of them.  You have to be willing to fight dirty.

Document as much as his bad behavior as you can.  If he has a home computer, hire a computer person to make a copy of the whole harddrive if you can.  When I was going through my divorce, I found a ton of derrogatory documentation on our computer.  He didn't know I knew how to get to his files, emails, instant messaging and so forth.  I checked any unfamiliar phone numbers on his cell phone bill.  I ended talking to strange women, who had no idea my husband wasn't single.  I set them straight.  I was able to document a lot of his cheating with other women.  I called a pow-wow with both our sets of parents and showed them my documentation.  Then I kicked him to the curb, with their support.

Granted, I was suffering from major depression, and was recouperating from a gastric bypass, but I wasn't going to cave in and let him get the upper hand.  I was determined to channel my pain into contructive action.  You can do this too.

I hope I haven't put you off by my ramblings.  Please let us know how you are doing.

Leigh Ann

Ok, so just another update on how things are going........

My husband 2 nights ago told me that he thought about how he was and was going to support me.  Well....that lasted a whole night.  I knew it wouldn't last.  He was really good for the night and was really caring and tried to understand what I was going through.  The next day he was back to his old self again.  Telling me that I had to change fast because the way I am is making him want to leave the marriage.  I am so fed up with this.  I am tired of it and at this point I want out to the marriage as well.  I really wish he could understand and be there for me.  I have not looked for places to live because I thought things would change for the better.  I was way wrong, I guess. 

Well.....that is all that is new with my situation.  I wish I had better news and could tell you that things were starting to get better. 

Alicia,

Wow, I feel your suffering, please don't rush into any harsh decisions which you may regret at a later time. I'm new onto this forum but I'm not new to illness or marriage, I have been with my wife since 1988 and I know exactly that you both have to give and take a considerable amount to make it work, and what damage illness can cause to your marriage. Since being diagnosed with UC etc. I have occasionally become a real monster at times which I guess must make my wife want to walk out the door, I'm sure and I hope that it's a result of illness and not that I have turned into a bad person.

I agree with Cranky1 that you should not leave the marital home and make a diary of everything that happens and is said, also make sure you talk to other family members and any close friends, so that they are totally aware of what you are going through and may be able to offer additional support.

I may be completely wrong but there may be a possibility things have got on top of your husband, hey illness is very hard on us, but we rarely truly consider the effect it has on our partners and after all they support us through our bad times but who supports them?

Please understand that I am in no way trying to criticise you or anything Cranky1 has said but I believe you have to work extremely hard to keep the marriage going after all, when we took our vows we all meant them right?

I believe that the best way to keep a marriage alive is to imagine you're taking a driving test, imagine your examiner is watching your every move, so overemphasise the movements by that I mean when I drive my car I don't turn my head to look in the mirror, but if I were on my test I know the examiner would be watching for that very movement, so I'd move my head, I pushed the vacum cleaner around the house earlier when I finished I phoned my wife on the phone and told her that I had just finished the cleaning See where I'm going with this, my wife appreciates it when I do that stuff so when I have done good I'll let her know and hey I like the praise, I'm not suggesting that your husband would be thrilled to learn that you had just done the housework, but you know what he likes so do something for him after reading this and if you can let him know. One of my best moves ever was picking a leaf of a tree, after an argument one day I was walking back home from work I picked a leaf off a tree for no particular reason, when I got home I told my wife I had been thinking about her all day and I was so sorry about the argument that I felt I wanted to get her some flowers but that I hadn't been anywhere that any were sold, so I picked that leaf and although it wasn't as colourful and pretty it was a living thing and to me it meant as much as flowers, you know what it worked, and I was forgiven, my mates at work couldn't believe I had the nerve to try it on and I don't suppose I'll ever try that one again but originality works!

Maybe you won't be able to resolve matters with your husband, but unless you work at it 100% you will never know, there are too many failed marriages in this world and I truly believe a considerable amount of those marriages could have been save if one of the involved gave it that 100%.

I wish you all the luck in the world, if you do decide to give it another go, you need to write out a plan list all the things he enjoys doing and work at taking the stress off him for a while he may be in serious need for a rest. You mentioned that you haven't been on here for sometime, well now your computer is up and running, use this forum and any others for support and try to give your husband a break from your illness.

In my opinion you should fight for your marriage for as long as possible even if it seems like the other half has given up, be honest and open with him and tell him that you realise how much he is suffering right now and try try try to get things back on track.

Take care.

Dave

Well....I am still here.  I haven't left and my husband has not left.  We haven't seen much of each other either though so that could be why nothing has really gone on.  The only thing new in my life is that he told me that I have until the end of the week to change and get better or else he wants out of the marriage because he doesn't want to live like this.  He is still sleeping in another room. 

That is it and that is all that is new with me. 

Alicia

I am so sorry
Have you gotten into counseling yet? Or will he agree to family counseling yet?


Shy

Hi Alicia,

I have a wife who is dealing with depression and I can see where your husband is coming from...kind of. It is very difficult to be in a relationship that is (I'm guessing, so if I'm wrong please excuse) one-sided when both people have needs and desires. I do get to a breaking point often because it seems as if I'm holding everything together and I'm getting nothing back from her. Ironically, during this time, I need my one confidant and best friend and she's just not there for me right now. I am looking for some reassurance from her and she just can't (or won't) give me anything to keep me going. I know that sounds selfish, I do, but from everything I've read on the Internet and in books on this subject - as well as from our therapist and psychiatrist - I am to tell her what I need from her.

What I gather is that it keeps her connected with me. I will say that it has been a giant struggle and she seems to have trouble with meeting me anywhere let alone half way. So you know, I'm simply asking for her to give me a hug periodically and hold my hand once in a while. I'm not asking for things she can't handle.

Anyway, I don't know exactly what your husband is going through, but I know that from my own situation, I do get to a hopeless place sometimes, but then I see my wife with our 2 1/2 year old or see her laugh or say something witty or even just sitting there looking beautiful and my hope gets renewed...if only for another day.

It's tough. Good luck with everything and I hope that he comes around and supports you.

Rick...

thanks for everyones support.  I really appreciate it. 

Well, I am still sticking it out.  Things have not changed with my situation at all.  I have tried to talk to my husband and tell him that the things he says sometimes hurt my feelings and his response to that was "are you just going to whine and cry about everything that I say", "you know how to fix it, have sex with me".  How does that make me want to be close to him.  It just pushes me farther and farther away when he says things like that.  He told me last night that he is at the point that he does not care if I stay or go.  I am wondering if I should just go.  He is obviously not happy and I am not happy and we just cannot seem to fix it. 

He is just continuing to say things that hurt badly.  For example, he told me the other day that I was not a good mother.  He knows that I am a good mother and he has told me that in the past, but I think he just wants to say things that are hurtful. 

Well.......that is my update.  Not much to say, but same old, same old.

Oh yeah, and no I am not on meds.  I really do not want to go on meds, but I will if I have to. 

Post Edited (alicia54321) : 7/19/2007 9:02:01 AM (GMT-6)

Well my husband is not physically abusive so that is an up I guess.  I was just reading on drphil.com this morning and read some really good points.  I think I am going to get my husband to read them as well.  He will probably just laugh at me, but it is worth a shot.  Sex is not the foundation of a healthy relationship; it is a natural extension of a relationship in which giving and receiving mutual support and comfort are common. If you want a good sexual relationship, it needs to be embedded in a good overall relationship. ·   Sex involves vulnerability. It is an act that can flow freely only with mental, emotional and physical trust. ·   Sex should not be forced. It should be just one more way of expressing mutuality, support and caring. It can then be the springboard for more thoughts and appreciative behaviors that will bridge into the next, seemingly spontaneous, sexual interaction. ·   It is illogical for you to ignore your partner in the morning, bark at him/her during the day, argue in the evening, and then fall into his/her arms for a fanciful sexual adventure at night. Insensitivity, inattention and hostility make sexual intimacy unnatural. If you want a rhythmic pattern of sexual intimacy, then create a relational pattern that reflects the same intimate emotions. ·   Don't base a relationship on sex. You need love, compassion and caring — and then sex can be a reflection of that. Don't think of it in either/or terms: You can cuddle when it's time for that, have an active sex life as well, and have tremendous love and respect for each other throughout.   Don't use sex for the wrong reasons, and burden it or load it up with too much meaning. For example, it shouldn't be a way to validate your partner. It should be an extension of the caring, feeling and respect you have for the other person.   I think these are all good points and I hope he takes it seriously.    Shynsassy, at this point, I am feeling that if I left I would have a lot less stress in my life and be a lot more happy.