Singer69 - Seeking help for depressed wife

Carla,

No, she slept in the mini van one night, that was it. I TOTALLY agree that we should write a soap opera. That's how this feels every single day!

Rick...

Rick,

I have to agree with Kitt.  What you are doing or not doing is not helping any one, especially your children.  They don't need to think this is a normal family life.  Would you want to see one of them grown up living with a spouse like your wife?  It could happen because they won't know the difference.

Your wife needs help and so do you at this point.  But if not for either one of you, please get your beautiful children out of this mess.  I know you have been trying to hang in there, but that plan has not worked.  Why keep dragging your feet?

We are here for you to support you through this.

Take care!

Carla

Sorry - I haven't been on in a while. I've been busy with work and the kids.

Kitt (& Darren & Carla):

I know that it seems pretty psycho as far as her behavior. I do have to say that the emotions have been running pretty high and she's a very conflicted person right now (not that it's an excuse). Just like with me, when things are calm, she settles down and is able to communicate much better with me, which is how it's been for the past week. I don't have any grounds for committing her and she isn't a danger to the kids.

While we do argue, things have been much more civil since the night a week or so ago and we are keeping that up.

I am certainly not opposed to leaving and getting the kids out of a bad situation. I made some moves last week that set me up to do just that (spoke to an attorney, closed our joint business account and opened a new one without her, etc.) because that's what it looked like to me - a no win situation. I even went to our doctor and explained the situation and she put me on Zoloft. Now I feel like I really belong on this board! TOTALLY kidding. It's mainly to keep me calm and not ride her emotional roller coaster. The Zoloft has helped me in that respect.

She is now staying according to her, but she won't make the commitment that I'm looking for in order for ME to continue. We had a long talk about it today and she says that she just feels trapped in our "situation", meaning that she's married to a man with five kids (three of them hers) with an ex-wife, and all that goes with that (scheduling, chores, etc.). My reaction to that is that this "situation" wasn't just sprung onto her. She chose this life with me and now it's become difficult for her to cope and she wants out. Sorry, that doesn't work for me.

I told her today that I will not move forward with her having one foot out the door. She's not wearing her wedding ring, she says that she's "not comfortable with intimacy or affection", and she isn't ready to say that she's going to stay and work on the marriage.

Please don't think that I'm waffling here. I made it very clear to her that I was very, very close to ending this last week and that I'm not opposed to doing just that if she can't commit to this marriage and family. I WILL NOT move forward under the circumstances where we are currently. At least not for long and that's why I brought it up to her. She immediately felt pressured as if I gave her an ultimatum. I suppose it was in some respects, but I was honestly just trying to tell her that, while things have been nice the past few days, I'm not willing to move along for very much longer without some type of commitment on her part.

She took a shower and was getting ready for work and - as if nothing had happened - started asking me where we were going to take the kids during the fall break in October. My response was, "Well, all things considered, I hadn't been thinking about it whatsoever." She then said, "Well, it's going to come up before we know it, so we'd better make a decision soon." Oy.

I realize that she's found herself in an overwhelming scenario - scratch that - she's made this scenario overwhelming. But the fact is, she's got to step up and be an adult and take responsibility for her marriage and her family commitments. Otherwise, I can't keep doing this.

Rick...

Rick
It sounds like she may be as confused as you are as far as what she wants.
I hope she figures it out one way or another. It is not fair to you or the kids for you to keep doing this.



Shy

I am sorry that nothing has changed and I wish you the best.

Take Care

Kitt

Kitt: Thanks.

Shy:

That's the tough part - she doesn't have the means to get out and on her own. So I'm left with a wife who is "present", but not committed. Every time I bring it up, she gets upset that I'm pressuring her. She says that she feels like we're making progress (which I think means that we're not arguing and she's not threatening to leave anymore) and that she just wants me to leave well enough alone for a few weeks. I'm seriously not sure that I can do that at this point. I'm trying and I do appreciate the newfound peace in the house, but I need to see more from her.

Am I wrong in my view of this? I just feel as if I can't let things slip into a state of nothingness where we're just "there" and she's not committing to our marriage. She still won't wear her wedding ring and won't tell me that she's staying. Oy.

Rick...

Rick
You are not wrong to want that. At some point you need some type of closure and I would think that she would want it to.

It almost sounds like she is realizing that she can't make it on her own yet so she knows that she has to stay. I am not sure how happy I would be about that.



Shy

Just make sure that you watch out for yourself and your kids. She is very confused right now.




Shy

Rick,

I'm just checking in to see how you are doing?

Take care!

Carla

Carla & Shy,

Well, she's apparently decided that she's not leaving. She also notified me today that she's quitting her job. I'm still kind of in shock about it and really don't know what to make of it right now. I know that she's aware that if she doesn't work that she's got to help out in our business. I really hope that she can commit to that. Things are tight financially right now and she's going to need to step up - something she hasn't shown that she can do consistently.

Oy. I'll keep you posted.

Rick...

Thanks Shy!

Yeah, she may have asked herself that. Only time will tell. I do know that she's realized that she has a lot here - a husband who loves her, a great group of kids, etc. I hope it's enough for her to make some real changes because that's what it's going to take. Too much has happened for me to want to go back to the way things were. Big time.

Rick...

Hey Shy,

I'm not sure with her. She's said and done things that seem like they are heading in the right direction and then taken them back by saying that she was "trying" and that she "wanted it to be true". I've heard the phrase, "I want to want it to be good". UGH.

Anyway, now that she's quit her job (have I mentioned that?) and is no longer leaving (according to her), I'm not so sure that it's a good idea anymore. I'm just not sure that she can be what I need after all of this. Of course, I chose her and made a family with her, so I'm sticking this out as long as I possibly can. I owe it to everyone to do at least that much. So I'm just not a happy camper (and haven't been for a long, long time.

Wish me luck.

Rick...

Singer69,

I am in the same boat as yours. My wife asked me for a divorce in August. At beginning I don't know what's going on. Since I want a kid, and she always refuse, I was thinking it's my fault. Since she's very determined, and her situation was so bad, so I think the only way to make her feel happy is to leave her alone. Since I move to another town for my career change beginning of this year, I packed up, and left.

After I arrived in my town, then I just realized that I am so relieved and confident. Although I am in pain and miss her, but I am free and relieve. I haven't heard of depression before. But why I am so relieved, made me to do some research, and found out she's go depression.

I cannot be with her because of my career change, what I can do for her is telling her parents and sister, and her manager who is also her friend, that she's have depression. Send her some articles to encourage her to overcome the illness. Of course, they wouldn't believe me. I think her parents and sister may blame me to cause her illness.

I admire your courage to fight the illness with her. I wish I had had the knowledge before, and had the same courage, but what I can do now is doing more researching, and leaving her alone.