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Singer69 - Seeking help for depressed wife

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Posted 9/25/2007 9:38 AM (GMT 0)

Hi there inpain2007,

Im sorry that you and your wife are going through this difficult time at the moment. As I read your post, it seems that you have 'diagnosed' your wife by doing some research from the library/internet etc... which can be (but not always) very unreliable. I appologise if I have the wrong end of the stick here, but would it not be better to have a doctor diagnose her? A proper health professional who has been thorugh the appropriate training as it may turn out that there is something else in addition to the depression or it may be something else all together. Depression can be mistaken for a number of different disorders since it presents a wide range of symptoms and signs (but not all together).

The other thing I wanted to pick up on is you telling your wife's family and manager/friend. I appreciate that you want to help her and I understand that you might feel that there is little you can do because of your career, but im not sure that broadcasting her 'diagnosis' to her nearest and dearest is the best way to go about it. IMO it is the person who is suffering who should tell them since there may be a good reason why they dont want certain people to know. One of the big things that you can do to help is give her your support when she needs it. It doesnt matter whether you are in the next room and you come through and give her a hug, or whether you are 3000 miles away and you talk to her on the phone.

I hope I dont have the wrong end of the stick here and if I do I appologise sincerely.

Darren

Posted 9/25/2007 3:05 PM (GMT 0)
Hi,

You are right, I really don't know or understand her condition. After I signed the divorce document. I just felt I am so relieved from the marriage, although I love her, and may still love her, but the feeling of relief made me wondering what's going wrong in my marriage. Maybe she's just workaholic, but these are the pieces in her life:

her company have a major re-org in 2005, her team is being dismissed, she's the only survivor. Before that we used to have some friends to play poker or etc. But after that, we never hold any party in our house. If I suggested, she simply refused, because it's tired and annoying.

When she took the shower, she always scream "I am tired" or similar. When I ask her what happened, she refused to say anything.

she always complaint she's tired, and feel no happiness in the life.

She complaint to me her old friends or relative are annoying.

Every activities will make her tired, she has no interest in doing anything, walking, biking, etc. The only thing she enjoyed are sleeping & watching TV.

There are lots of little pieces, which I failed to noticed before. During marriage, I thought it is her job, during the divorce, I thought it is my fault and because of our marriage.

I am not broadcasting this. I told her about my feeling & worry, but she refused to see a doctor. Since her parents will move in with her, so I told them about my observation. Her only friend in town, whom I considered as her friend is her manager. So I let them know my worry. From her point, it is the marriage make her very tired, seeing or talking with me, will make her annoying. So what I can do now for her is to write some letter to her to show her my support. Maybe leaving her alone is also good for her. At least from her point, marriage is no longer a burden for her.

Post Edited (inpain2007) : 9/25/2007 9:27:48 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 9/25/2007 3:46 PM (GMT 0)

Hi there,

It sounds like your wife is very confused right now and space might just be 'what the doctor ordered'. By showing her your support you are allowing her to work through the problem by herself but giving her the option of calling on you for help which is probably the best way to go about this. It is quite important thought that your wife sees a doctor at some point as she may needs meds or professional therapy. This might not be something that she can work thorugh herself.

Darren

Posted 9/25/2007 6:49 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks, that might be the best I can do for her now. I do want support her, but divorce could be her way of solve problem.

I was really in great pain and confused by her asking for divorce. I asked her why, she just told me she couldn't get the feeling of love. she felt tired, headache, and annoyed. She cannot say any of my wrong doing. She told me I was a good husband, but she just couldn't get the feeling, etc. I asked her what I could do for her and our marriage, she told me she just want divorce.

I didn't know about depression at that time, but just got the feeling something about her is not right. I was suspecting she might have 3rd-party or else. I was sad, disappointed, confused, all these feeling made me agree to divorce with her. After I agreed, she resumed some calm and relief. I could then hug her, we watched TV together. If someone saw us during that time, won't believe we were in the process of divorce. Maybe at that time, I got a little bit of understanding on her condition, but if I asked her if we could just get legal separation instead of divorce, she would become extremely annoyed and anger. I really didn't know what to do at that point, leaving her alone agree to divorce is the only thing I can do for her. But left her alone there make me nervous, that's why I told her boss ( whom I consider as her only friend in town), asked them to take care of her.

After I got back to my town, didn't know why, even I was the leavee in the divorce who supposedly should have sad, anger or any other negative feelings, in steadily, I felt so relieved, just then did I realize she might have some level of depression which made my marriage life kind miserable for the last 2 years. What I did then is do some research online, and told her parents and sister about my guessing, they got the same feeling, but might not believe me. I wish I had had the knowledge of depression earlier.

I have told her I would wait her for a while, would not seek her promise. I am anything but not a doctor or therapist, all the knowledge of depression came from web site.

You are right, time & space may just what she wants. she may figure it out herself, or maybe it is really just a normal martial problem.
Posted 9/25/2007 7:17 PM (GMT 0)
Hi,

I think you are doing the right thing. Just remember that we are all here for you and will give you as much support as we can. Keep us posted...

Darren

Posted 9/26/2007 1:04 AM (GMT 0)

inpain2007 said...
Singer69,

I am in the same boat as yours. My wife asked me for a divorce in August. At beginning I don't know what's going on. Since I want a kid, and she always refuse, I was thinking it's my fault. Since she's very determined, and her situation was so bad, so I think the only way to make her feel happy is to leave her alone. Since I move to another town for my career change beginning of this year, I packed up, and left.

After I arrived in my town, then I just realized that I am so relieved and confident. Although I am in pain and miss her, but I am free and relieve. I haven't heard of depression before. But why I am so relieved, made me to do some research, and found out she's go depression.

I cannot be with her because of my career change, what I can do for her is telling her parents and sister, and her manager who is also her friend, that she's have depression. Send her some articles to encourage her to overcome the illness. Of course, they wouldn't believe me. I think her parents and sister may blame me to cause her illness.

I admire your courage to fight the illness with her. I wish I had had the knowledge before, and had the same courage, but what I can do now is doing more researching, and leaving her alone.

Hey inpain2007:

Welcome to the forum! I hope that things work out for you...and your wife. Good luck with everything!

Rick...
Posted 9/26/2007 9:19 PM (GMT 0)

Dear In Pain.

First of all welcome to the Healing Well Family.

You wrote "After I signed the divorce document. I just felt I am so relieved from the marriage" I wonder if there was a lot going on that may have triggered your wife's reasons for wanting the divorce.  I agree with the others, her health issues are private to her and she needs to see a physician to be diagnosised. 

Don't beat yourself up. It may be time to move on and if you and your ex-wife ever decided to reconcile then deal with your issues ahead of time.

IMHO, this seems to be a painful end to a marriage.  I know you still care for her and support her. That is admirable but letting go is kind and in this case may be wise.

You may think of counseling for yourself to deal with your own feelings.

Gentle Hugs

Posted 9/28/2007 3:26 AM (GMT 0)
Dear Kitt,

Thanks for your advice, you are right. The most important thing for me right now is taking care of myself. I felt myself quite normal now, I will still feel dad 1~2 hours per day, other than that, I am doing well, exercising, reading, writing, talking, joking, etc. Just sleep less, about 5~6 hours, wake up around 6:00am, during the the whole day, I won't feel tired. Sometimes, I cannot concentrate.

During the month of divorce, I could only sleep for 2 hours per day, almost eat nothing just milk or fruit, lost 15 pounds in just 2 weeks. Which is good thing for my weight control though. :-)

For the marriage part, one thing I failed to say is that her job is very stressful, although I have asked her several times to resign or quit, she simply refused. For the last 2 years, besides my own job, I did most of the housework, preparing dinner, laundry, cleaning. Besides that, we had no social life in town. Since I need take a business trip every month, every time I backed home I would brought some small gift to her, but never felt she's happy about my gifts. The whole things made me quite upset. That's why I felt so relieve from the marriage.

During process of divorce, I was confused and frustrated. I kept asking myself, what's wrong, is it my fault? Sometimes, I pushed asking her why. Maybe I shouldn't do that. Her reason to divorce was she had no feeling for me (we've been in marriage for 8 years), she considered me just as a friend. Well, that's her reason. Finally, I remembered how frustrated I was during the last 2 years, so I gave up, agreed divorce, and never asked her why.

Thank you all for your comfort and advice, although I am still worrying about her, under current situation, I cannot help her any more, any suggestion from my side, she will be offended and consider it as a trap. I will leave her alone, let her parents and sister take care of her.

For my future, I will hang around, wait her and support her from distance for a while, it's also not wise for me to rush into another relationship in short term either.
Posted 10/8/2007 7:24 PM (GMT 0)
Mini Update:

Well, as most of you know, my wife has decided to stay and work on the marriage. She's saying the right things, but I'm concerned that she's doing this as an alternative to dealing with depression and the other issues in her life. She got a taste of the real world when she went back to work for a month and quickly realized that it's difficult out there on her own.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that it's not going in the opposite direction anymore, but only to a point. I don't want things to go back to the way they were before. That wasn't a good thing for either of us and I don't want that relationship again. So, I'm waiting to see how things go. She's put herself in a power position (even though she denies that fact) by telling me that she wants to refrain from intimacy or physical contact until she's ready. It's been over a month now. She's just now in a place where she'll cuddle with me on the couch a bit, but that's it.

I'm just exhausted with this process and want to make sure that I don't let things slip back to where they were for the same reason I think she's doing this - because it's easier than fixing things for good.

Rick...
Posted 10/8/2007 9:22 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Rick,

Im glad to hear that things are getting better with your wife, even if they are not prefect or they are superficial. I think its great that you have made the concious decision not to go back to where you were not that long ago, but that is only good if you can stick to it.

All the best

Darren

Posted 10/9/2007 2:08 AM (GMT 0)

Hey Rick,

I was just going to check in on you.

So, did she quit the job?  Is she getting help for her depression?  I think what I may be hearing from you is that you are afraid that she may be staying in the marriage because it's the easy thing for her to do.  I think if that's the case, you'll know it soon enough and I think you have gotten strong enough to do what you need to do.  If she's not there for the right reasons, you and the kids deserve much better.

I wish you the best!

Carla

Posted 10/9/2007 4:54 PM (GMT 0)

Rick,

I have heard from many that after an episode lifts, it still takes some time before the person feels like themself again.  Also, you didn't say whether she is treating her depression or not.  If she is not seeking treatment and she is in fact suffering from depression, more than likely, another episode will happen at some point in her life.  The medication and therapy doesn't prevent episodes from occuring but certainly can help to prevent them from getting totally out of control...no promises though of course.  Also, with the talk therapy, it will help her to have a 3rd party be the voice of reality when her depression is telling her something completely different and totally negative...for all involved.

Anyone please chime in here.  I am not a professional and I do not suffer from BP or depression but my partner does.  From all my research, I have learned how the therapy, pdoc and meds work in order to give balance to the disorder(s).

I hope things work out with a happy ending :-)

Posted 10/11/2007 2:13 AM (GMT 0)
From what I have read (and it was about the first half of the first page) your wife sounds alot like me. I dont want to say "yeah, I'm depressed" because it's to hard to do. I know that I hated it when my husband harped on it (my husband is in about the same situation as you are now) and it caused me to shut down more. Alot of women want to feel like they are in control of everything because society has depicted the "super soccer mom" as being the good mother. I know that I feel horrible if something is left undone, and alot gets left undone around here. It drags me down even more when I go to bed and the living room isnt spottless and the dishes arent done; but I have trouble even getting the motivation to do those things, or even finding the time to clean or shorten my list.

Well, I just wanted to share some of my experience because yours sounds so familiar. :)
Posted 11/3/2007 1:10 AM (GMT 0)

Hi Rick,

I'm actually looking for info on depression and sugar, and I found you.  I'll try to make this short.  I'm 24, two kids and one on the way, great husband etc.  Dealt with severe stress, anxiety and depression, suicidal fantasies since 4th grade.  Lots of difficult family situations, as well as health problems (weak heart, palpitations, low blood pressure, something similar to fibromialgia in 6th grade- doctors never could figure it out).  Fast foreward to now... healthy eating, I use the cookbook/ health textbook Nourishing Traditions by Sally Fallon, grind my own grains to make bread in electric grinder (soaking them first in an acidic medium like unindustrialized people), eat healthy, stable fats (butter, olive oil, coconut oil), use herbs for healing sickness (hey, 5 kids?  garlic oil in the ears is great for ear infections!)  I feel, or felt, tons better.  When I made the changes my husband exclaimed "It's like having a new wife!"  Fast foreward some more...

I'm on my fourth pregnancy, BAD low blood pressure problems, brain fog, can't think, super irritable... get it under control with cod liver oil, dandilion/ginkgo/ginsing tea with an activator such as mint or chammomile (I order these through **a website**).  Sunday at church, I eat amish friendship bread- lots of sugar (hey, hubby made it, I had to try it).  Then I make pumkin bread with sugar in it (home sprouted dried and milled bulgur flour, good fat, etc.).  Experienced steady decline all week.  Last night I thought I would test my sugar theory because I was starting to feel better and I had some more pumkin bread.

Today: bad low blood pressure, brain fog, ears "going out" and tinnitus, frustration.  Can't get things done.  Cant take proper care of my kids.  confusion.  I just want to escape.  Maybe I'll ask my husband for a break so I can take a walk by myself.  No, I'll take a nap.  Getting really mad- kids are noisy...I send them outside to work on puppy pen with daddy (rather unkindly).  I look at the kitchen and the dinner I was going to prepare...I can't handle it!  I'm a terrible mom!  My life is worthless!

All through dinner I was like this.  My oldest didn't get her nap and was falling apart about everything and all I could do was cut chicken and cry and cry.  Life is to hard.  I put the kids to bed (hubby helped a ton during all this but my post would be to long...).  Laid on the couch unable to move.  Started thinking about things.  I realized this is exactly what I was like as a kid, except I couldn't blame it on a situation.  It just jumped on me all of the sudden this afternoon.  Wow, depressoin can really be mostly physiological!

It is important to note the natural remedies I have been using, at least for me, all need to be used or I don't feel great.  I've never used a medication so I don't know anything about those.  I do know that a supportive husband is a huge blessing and I'm sorry your wife doesn't see that - or maybe she does.  There have been days where I sat on the edge of the bathtub for twenty minutes because I couldn't bring myself to give the kids a bath. It's aweful having such a brain fog.  My problems, if you would like to researach, have been related to: soy (bad!), sugar, white flour, bad fats, poor circulation (check out natural remedies for migrains) and nutrient deficiencies.  And, hey, a bad attitude.  But life is so much harder to deal with when you can't think and you just want to excape!

And just a side note, when I was telling my husband that my life wasn't worth living because I couldn't take care of my family, my husband was very greived.  He told me he'd rather have me sick on his couch than not have me at all.  Now, he hasn't always been this kind or I so honest and candid.  Those kids will be blessed and have a much better chance at succeeding in life if you stay with your wife and do the best you can for them.  She's in a place where she is selfish and doesn't at all understand what is going on with her.  But you can be her advocate.  Keep researching.  My husband sure fought for me.  Meds may work for some, but for some there may need to be a more natural approach, and you and your family will be better for it too. 

Hope,

Scrambledeggs 

Reason for edit:

2 things... One is that I have had to take the name of the website out of your post (See rule #4 https://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=46&m=106997) as it counts as spam. We welcome websites that provide information but not online shops, and the other is where I chave taken out several sections of your post as it goes against Rule #1. We have to be careful as we have minors who use this site. Please email me if you would like further details. Darren


Post Edited By Moderator (djdaz_1985) : 11/3/2007 8:28:20 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 11/3/2007 1:24 AM (GMT 0)

Oops, forgot,

I had wanted to mention that I'm also 105 lb. when soaking wet (actually 98 before I got pregnant) even though I love to eat.  Might be a connection.  Excersize it great too- can you make her take a walk with you every day?  It'll get her out of the house like she wants!

scrambledeggs

Posted 11/4/2007 4:57 PM (GMT 0)
Hi scrambledeggs,

I'm sorry to hear that you're having such a tough time with things. Some of the things you mention sound very familiar to me.

There might be a connection with the weight thing, you're right. My wife eats a very unhealthy amount of sugar and is thin, but not sickly - not even close. She's only 5ft. 1.

Her blood sugar and cholesterol all came back at normal levels the last time she had blood work. Her doctor told her that she has an unusual liver that basically blasts through sugars, alcohol, medication, etc. It's possible that you have something similar.

As it turns out, my wife has decided to stay and work on things. She's making progress, but she still denies that she is depressed. So, for now, we're not discussing meds or doctors or therapists. By no means have I given up on it, I'm just trying to take some time to watch her on a daily basis and see how she does on her own. So far, she's making progress. That's an improvement, for sure.

My first question to you is: Have you seen a doctor and/or a psychologist about this? Sometimes it's better to get a professional involved - at the very least to get an expert opinion on what is happening with you. Who knows, maybe there's something physiologically wrong that can be fixed with medication or a change in diet?

Oh, about the exercise, my wife NEVER exercises and I can't get her to do anything like that with me. Although, the irony is that she'd jump at the chance to spend 2 or 3 days of non-stop walking around Disneyland without missing a beat. Oy.

;-)

Take care,

Rick...
Posted 11/7/2007 2:54 PM (GMT 0)
Hello Singer 69,

I'm new on here, and having read your posts am glad things seem to be heading in the right direction. Reading your posts sounds very familiar, and it's given me a bit of comfort to know I'm not the only one. Here's my tale....

My wife also has depression and refuses or can't see it until recently. She's also very intelligent, can be hard headed and quite a private person - she finds it difficult to express her emotions at the best of times. She slid into post natal depression and it appears never really cleared up. She's more anxious, has negative views about virtually everything - big and small problems, find issues where there are no issues, pessimistic about the future, manuovers to get all decisions done her way - not done her way will be totally worng - adding pressure on herself. I've tried to give her the space to sort her self out as that's what she appears to want, and it's been three years of what feels like gentle love and affection from me, with little but indifference from her - left feeling more like just another burden in her life, not an equal partner or husband. Our relationship has deteriorated to littel more than room mates as the depression caused her to shutdown and pull away from me even further in trying to battle it single handed - but being an illness it overwhelms your coping mechanism and you sink, much like a virus overwhelms your immune system despite it's best efforts.

It got to the point where I thought I was going under too and almost walked. Stopped because of the kids. Strange in that she's still able to shower love and affection on the two girls (7,4), and have perfectly charming superficial chats with everyone else. But is definitley different with me than she used to be, and doesn't discuss anything about herself. Almost like her world has shrunk so that only the 'Mum' aspect is left, and she's going into that 120% to the exlusion of everything else.

After some prompting the Doc's finally got her properly diagnosed, and she was taken into hosp for two weeks - this made it worse, as she was separated from the kids - her choice not to see them.

She's now out, back on different anti depressants, but is extremely bitter and angry at me for her gonig in/not getting her out, lots of anger in my direction, not really admitting she has a problem I don't think, but is talknig to community nurse etc. Who've told me relationship issues are tied up in it all. Won't say anything about it though.

So now in much the same boat as you have to see where we go from here, really wanting to discuss it, get it all out on the table with relationship counsellor, but if approach subject of how she's feeling conversation immediately shutdown. Atmos at night once kids in bed. Kids picking up on it a little, but both make effort to stay cheerful around them.

Hard going. How long to stick it out, will she accept there's an issue? Will she get it fixed? If she does get it fixed is it a falling out of love realtionship issue ? Is she trying to live married life, when she doesn't actually want it and that's the conflict that's driving it all? Does she jsut need a job and be more than just a mother again? I don't know whether to come forward with more affection - getting very hard to do now, as constantly rejected, and see if she comes round, or pull back offer less affection - as she appears to want, and let her sort it, but at the risk allow gap between us to grow further...

All the best, I'll pop in now and again to see how your getting on, and any advice for me.

Dolbert.

PS - put this on your update too, but thought that may not be the best place for it.
Posted 11/8/2007 6:55 PM (GMT 0)
Guys... You are killing me.. I have the exact same situation. It has been going on for years (13).

I was looking for advice on how to get her to the doctor.. Which she outright refuses to do and what I have found is nothing but dysfunction.

The answer is what the first instinct is... Run like the wind. Yes I have kids too, yes I stay for them, but havent had a marriage in at least 10 years. Sound like fun ? Run for your life.

I wish you all my very sincere best. I feel for you all and I'm sorry you are in this. I hope you all find the way to be free of this pain.

I wish I could take a pill that let my guilt fall away from me and I could run too. I cant leave my girl to fend for herself... darn it, this is hard.

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