I dont know what title to give this...

Recently, I was diagnosed with moderate to severe depression. I went to the doctor on my husbands insistence, and now i'm on medication and what not. Yeah for me. The problem is, I am starting to resent my husband because i'm now on medication that I dont want to be on. I hate the way that this stuff makes me feel, but I started it on saturday so it could be just me adjusting. I'm on webutrin 75 mgs and its going to go up to 150 mgs in a few days. I feel worse now then I did before the meds. I cant focus, i'm dizzy, I just want to sleep (and end up falling asleep if I dont keep moving). I cry more now then I did before the meds, and I just dont feel like myself at all. My husband keeps telling me to give it a few more days for me to adjust, but I dont even want to take it. I'm a full time student and a mother of two small children (6 years and 20 months). I cant keep functioning like this if I am going to care for my children. I would rather be down in the dumps then un-functional. I can afford the wellbutrin generic and that's the reason why I am taking that medication (that and weight gain side effects are smaller than with others). I also feel like this medication keeps my brain in a fog (so to speak) and I cant get out of it. I have a hard time keeping my eyes focused and retainting what I read.

Anyhow, I dont know how to deal with this growing resentment. I feel like this is all his fault and that if it wasnt for him insisting that I go see our family doctor than I wouldnt be going through this. I was fine before, and now i'm not. Yeah, I wasnt all cheerful and I was over stressed, but I could make it through the day. I am also afriad that this medicine is going to cause me to be in a "false happiness" state off mind. In other words, i'm going to think I'm happy instead of actually being happy.

I never felt depressed before the diagnosis. My husband and his family (which I am extremely close to) kept telling me they thought I was, but I never bought it because of all the stress factors that are in my life. Every symptom that I had/have can be explained by being a young mother and full time student. I'm still not convinced that I am actually depressed, even though the doctor that we see is extremely good.

In addition to this, my husband started to fuss at me the other day because I was frazzled from waking up late. I had 15 minutes to get my daughter on the school bus, and I didnt think that she was going to make it at the pace she was going. To complicate things, my husband starts in on me and accusing me of not taking my medication (I was yelling from the second I got up). I have been taking it, and told him to count it. The fight was ended, and he appologized, but it still did damage.

I dont know what to do, I love my husband and I dont want the resentment to grow anymore. I've kept it from him, because I dont want him to feel bad about anything. What do I do??

 

Floral

First of all I want to welcome you to the forum,I am very glad that you found us and I know you will get the support that you are looking for.
Ok,hubby decided that you were depressed. How long had that went on before he insisted that you go to the doctor?
Now,please do not take this wrong ok...but, being a mod I see so many wives posting on here saying that their husbands had no idea that they were depressed,they did not care,they did not understand. Even ones that argue with their wives about taking meds,basically saying they do not need them.
What I am getting at is this, he saw signs,he knew something was not right therefore he did what a good husband should do and that is stand by your side and try to help you the best he can.

I took Wellburtrin for several years. It does take 4-6 weeks for most any antidepressants to take full effect. Your body has to adjust.
Try to give it some more time,there is not a magic cure for depression, so therefore we are stuck with meds that take awhile.
Also, in order to know if you are even depressed without looking at the physical signs, you need to find out what is causing the depression. Do you think it is possible that it might be more than school and taking care of your kids? thinking back to your past? Frustrated with life in general?
Meaning,what about going to a counselor and trying to figure out what it going on. You can go by yourself or try joint counseling so that you can let your husband hear what you need to say,and having someone else there to give their opinion?

Please stay strong and keep us posted.


Shy

My doctor thinks that my mother is bipolar and watching her go through manic and depression stages caused me to not be able to deal with stuff in life correctly. The doc wants me to cut off communication with her completely.

My husband has been on me to get checked for a year and a half. I denied it till I was blue in the face. Out of pure frustration, I finally went. I wanted to prove him wrong and finally tell him that I was just stressed and needed a break. I did NOT expect the diagnosis I got, and I did not expect to be put on medications. I was horrified when the doc said I was moderately to severely depressed.

My husband went with me to our doctor. He hurt his leg playing softball, so we shot two birds with one stone. The doctor we see is extremely good and has several certifications to boot, one of which being a mental health one (I just dont remember the exact terminology). I do know that when my son was six weeks old, I was not depressed (my son is now 20 months). I had a post partum depression screening and was cleared. But, in the last year, my mother and I have been more distant than ever and I've only talked to her maybe three times in the last 16 months.

I was on wellburtin and the side effects were so bad my doctor switched me to zoloft, which I think still has side effects, but they kind of tell me to just keep taking it anyway because it's better to have the side effects from that than have untreated depression :/

To Cajun and Neptune:
I am going to give the meds a try. I am following my doc's orders because I trust him. The only other doctor that I have ever trusted as much as him is my kids pediatrician (sp). I just really hate the side effects, but from what I've looked at, all of them have sid effects. So, its a lose lose situation. Right now, to me, everything is worse after the medicine. The only side effect that I like so far is the diminished appatiet. yeah losing weight..lol.

To Aurora:
I dont know what is right for me as far as meds go. I would prefer not to be on them. Not saying that I wont take them, because I am, I just wish that I didnt have to medicate myself to solve a problem. I really dont want to go on anything that causes weight gain because i'm already a big girl and I hate that. I really really dont want or need to gain more weight. Not that I'm huge or anything, i'm just very round. I also dont want to be so drugged that I cant do anything. I dont know anything about anti-depressents though, as this is the first time on them.

My mom is a very hard person to understand. And its a long and painful story as to why my mom and I are not close. I honestly dont know why she does what she does. My mom has never met my son, and she hasnt seen my six year old since she was 2. I am graduating this december with my associates degree, and she doesnt even know if she is going to come down, not because she doesnt have the money (she's a lawyer, she does) but because its at a "bad time" for her. I gave her SIX months notice!! There is ALOT of painful occurances and i'm not sure I could ever get past them, or heal from them. I dont want to cut her off, obviously, but what choice do I have if it effects my health so much? I feel forced into a corner....my life, or a relationship with my mom, and it sucks.

I looked into community help, and they were still to expensive. The doctor that I saw is very very good, I like him and trust him. I dont think I would feel comfortable talking to anyone else in person about this. Believe it or not, i'm a very closed in girl. I dont like to talk about myself or how I feel. Even doing this is hard, but I dont want to hurt my marriage. My husband and I are VERY close. We talk constantly!! Lately, the only thing I can say to him is "I want to go to sleep, but I dont want to sleep the day away. What should I do?" and the response that I get is "It wil get better" I really dont care about how I'll feel in a few weeks when I feel like crap now, I want to get through today first.

Everyone's comments on the side effects are greatly appreciated, but what should I do about the resentment? Did anyone else feel this toward their spouse/significant other?

My husband has always been supportive and helpful. I caught a good one. That's why I am in so much pain over this. I KNOW that I shouldnt have this growing resentment, but I do. The thing is, he thought that I was depressed because I didnt feel much like doing anything and he claims that my sex drive has taken a nose dive to nothing (but I never really had one to begin with). I didnt want to hear anything about me being depressed because i've got two kids (who make it really difficult to get out and do things), and i'm exhausted when I get to bed from chasing around an active 20 month old. I also yelled alot, I have noticed that my throat isnt sore anymore when I get to bed..lol. anyhow, my husband knows me the best of any one else in this world and any change that happens, he notices.

Anyhow, I dont know if the resentment is really with myself and I'm projecting it on to him, or if its truely something I'm mad at him for. I hate not knowing what is going on with my own head. I dont like not feeling like I'm in total control of myself. It almost feels like my body and mind have lied to me for the last few months, and they are now caught in the act and being put in the corner for bad behavior.

Thanks for the suggestion about the $4 med. If I have to be switched, do I have to go through the 4 to 6 weeks of not feeling good at all again? I really dont know how much more I can take of feeling off, and I havent even got to the one week mark yet.

I dont know what to do about the building resentment. I dont know how I should bring it up to my husband without sounding condescending (sp). It's not that he's mentally well and I'm not, he has anxiety issues. I am mad because he forced me to get medicated and I hate the way I feel. The way I feel right at this moment is 80% worse then I have ever felt before the meds and suday was the worst I have ever felt in my entire life!! And I feel like my complaints are falling on deaf ears because he is so hung up on me "needing" them. There has to be another way to get over depression. I am not really one to take medication unless I really really need it. I even wait headaches out!! But now I find myself taking a pill when its not in my nature to take stuff. And my husband harps on me until I take it. I take it at eight oclock in the morning, so its after I get my daughter ready for school, on the bus, and i've eaten something before I take it. But the moment I get out of the bed, my husband is reminding me to take it. I just want to scream at him!!! I want him to get off my back and stop riding me to take the medication. I know its because he cares, and I realize that I am lucky to have a husband that is attentive to my health. Most men are oblivious to anything other than food and football, my husband is too dont get me wrong, but he looks up from the game more often then any other man i've seen.

I am so new to this, and its a club I never wanted a membership too.

I unfortuantley dont have any profound advise or wisdom for u rigth now I hope you find the answers you are looking for you sound like a great person all i can say is keep searching for the answers they will come its lifes way of healing and prepearing you for greater things to come.......

Thanks to all of you. Dark, you again deserve a hug. :) Snowy, I cant thank you enough for just giving me SOME hope that this med will work, and stop making me feel like crap.

Topper, thanks for the insite:

I have no idea how he is feeling, I just know that he wanted me to get checked because "he wants his wife back". He used to tell me that regularly. I honestly never thought about how my actions effected him. I just know that I never felt depressed. I just felt stressed and like I needed a long break. I really think that desire for the break from my kids steams from my sister in law and her family situation. She has three step-children that she is raising and every weekend, the kids either go to their mom's or their grandmom's house. She always brings that up, but then claims she wants a break from them. Yeah, they are rowdy kids, but she still gets to sleep in on saturday and sunday. I'm jealous. I have expressed my wishes to have a break, but it falls on deaf ears. I have even gone so far as to beg, still no help. But its not really about that. It's about how my mom treats me. I'm 25 years old and this should not effect me. I'm not a kid anymore and I have my own family to worry about. I guess childhood feelings never really go away.

I hate feeling like I am being so selfish with this. I dont want this to be all about me, cause its certainly not. I really dont like this at all, and I hate feeling this way. I really do feel depressed now, and if how I feel now had been going on for the past 16 months, then I would have gotten checked 16 months ago. Now, i'm crying all the time, I dont want to do anything, my whole body is sore, and I feel like I cant do anything. I feel like i'm the poster child for severe depression...:(

I asked a family friend about my childhood, and she too noticed the strain in my mom and I's relationship. She re-assured me that it wasnt me and that I was always wanted, but I still feel completely unwanted. I dont fit in anywhere, and I hate that. My dad is great, he always acts like hearing from me is the highlight of his day, and I honestly think it is. I have always been a daddy's girl, and will always stay that way. I just want to feel like my mom wants me, loves me, and is proud. It's been two years since she said "I love you" to me. TWO YEARS!!!! She has not once in my entire life told me that she was proud, and acts like i'm a bother if I call her. I stopped calling her about a year ago. I cant take the way she makes me feel.

Ok, i'm just rambling an crying now.

Thanks Dark :) Atleast I'm not alone, and that is comforting. What gets me, is that my mom told people that her mom acted the same way she is acting now. I dont get it, but I know I dont want my daughter to feel this way.

Im so glad that your husband has been so supportive and that you are feeling better. Hopefully this can be the start of a solution.

Darren 

Floralie, Hi! Have been reading this thread and can relate to going to school and trying to raise kids and be a good wife and take care of house ect....It is very very stressful. I returned to school for nursing at age 46!! With 2 kids and 2 stepkids who were here half the week. No one helped me unfortunately. I would beg my mom but she wasn't interested. I swear I will never do this to my daughter! I was on antidep. for years so I think it helped my stress but I still felt overwhelmed. Good for you that u are graduating in Dec.!! I bet alot of the stress will disappear unless of coarse you start work full time! Also, try taking the med at night. I used to take med in the am but after switching meds many times felt awful until my body became used to them. If you take before bedtime you sleep through most of it. Good- Luck! about your mom...it sounds like she is wrapped up in her own world and will someday regret her selfish behavior. It does hurt when the grandmom doesn't want to see her grandkids...I know.