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Posted 10/1/2007 4:39 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you

tired of trying to explain tired of circles just tired ...............nowhere to go dead end inside.......no words ........just th noise of my own mind.......
Posted 10/2/2007 12:19 PM (GMT 0)
Dark

You really need to consider getting some outside help. And fast. Your posts are getting more deep,and I am worried about your well being.

Please keep us posted on how you are doing.


Shy
Posted 10/3/2007 8:42 AM (GMT 0)
Its so ironic after searching for weeks and sumonsing every bit of guts and strenght i had I found someone to talk to that did not cost money and we had one session and the next day he had a heart attack so there goes the help.............I hate who i am but i dont have the energy to even breath so i just keep grovling in this hole.Everybody says talk get help and when u try its one brick wall after the other and they ask why when someone ends it all. There are those who mean good they keep proding you to talk about it and when u truly say what u feel they get scared and they have to go or they are busy.There is no way out of this hole everybody keeps telling me I have to do this or that and it will all get better, are u not listening or am i just pathetic beyond believe i cant do this on my own i cant find the door........
Posted 10/3/2007 12:23 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Dark
I can so relate to your posts. I was in that dark hole for a very long time. And it got to the point to where I could not face anyone. I just hid out in my apartment,turned my phone off and often just cried.
I didn't eat,I didn't care about taking a shower. Going out of my apartment was enough to cause major panic attacks.
You are right,when you are at the lowest part of depression it takes everything out of you.
I wish I would have found a site like this at that time to be able to talk about it. To feel somewhat "normal" if even for a few minutes.
Depression is a horrible disease. It went untreated for so long. People did not want to talk about it. They thought you were feeling sorry for yourself ect ect. Now,it seems that since depression is out of the closet people are making big bucks off it it (meds,books ect ect). But,nevertheless it is still a disease. And the only way to be able to get help is try.
The people that you think will just tell you to go get help,and not really understand are the ones that can't deal with the depression and they are lost at to what to say. That is normal. Until you have actually either been down that dark road,or studied the disease you have no idea.

I have faith that you will get through this. It will not happen overnight. It will take awhile,it will take alot of work on your side. But depression is something that you can get through. Even though I have been off of meds for 2 years now,I still fight the depression almost everyday.
It took alot of work,and alot of looking inside of myself. I know what triggered my depression and I still fight with that everyday. It is very hard to talk about it,and I sometimes find myself doing simple things and the thoughts hit me like a brick wall. Or taking a shower the tears will come. I know it is because I am always pushing the thoughts away,and trying not to deal with them.

I love to write,so I have probably a hundred letters on my thoughts. I wrote letters to the people that hurt me,to the ones I hurt because of my depression ect. ... that helps me,not sure if it is the right thing for you.
I just found that actually bringing the past out,and either writing or typing about it really helped.

Whatever you decide to do,just remember we are here for you,and will do our best to help you get through this.

Shy
Posted 10/3/2007 6:01 PM (GMT 0)
Hi, I'm new to this forum. And I've been reading Dark's postings.

Dark, you say you hate who you are. Can you tell us why? Are you such a bad person? Did you kill anyone? People experiencing depression often do not like themselves. I am one. I've been depressed ever since I lost my job due to an injury. It's been over 10 years now. I've been on prozac until it failed; wellbutrin (actually quit smoking on this one); and the latest and the best so far is effexor. I take 2 75 mg a day. It really helps me. I get up in the morning and face the day. It doesn't actually give me something to live for it just helps me get through the day. I hope you know that there are many, many people who can associate with you and your depression. Sometimes it's just knowing that helps. But stop hating yourself, first. What I try to keep telling myself is I'm just as good as anyone else. God created me didn't he? I wasn't thrown out with the bath water. I suppose I could have been. My older sister died at the age of 42 and she had been depressed for years. I just wish she could have hung in there because the treatment given these days is 100% better than before she died. If you cannot afford the antidepressants, you can write to the drug companies - Wyeth and Pfizer are two -- they will send you pills at no cost.
Posted 10/4/2007 4:02 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you for the reply and sharing the story Kitkat.

I hate myself because of who i am of what i have done and for my inability and patheticness to change all of that for wasting my life my health for wanting to die when so many are ill and suffering I havent killed someone yet but with my rages i might still yet,but then again maybe not i dont reaaly give a dame anymore at the moment this forum and the responses are keeping me alive so thank you..I cant see that i am worth anyhting but I am hanging onto something dont know what or why its all just so overwhelming at the momnet ........
Posted 10/4/2007 12:02 PM (GMT 0)
Keep talking to us Dark...


Shy
Posted 10/4/2007 4:54 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you Shy for caring and sharing i know u understand and so do many others i hear what u saying i want to believe it ,its like i am paralized i hear i see but i dont react i ride this roller coaster of panic anger disgust hope despare and utter hoplessness every waking moment it never stops and the conclusion is always the same how do i stop this never ending circle...........
Posted 10/4/2007 8:13 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Dark - I've read most of this thread and am glad that you decided to look for some help here. Lots of very special people on this board. If you don't mind me asking , why are you so down on yourself? Did something happen in your life that is now haunting you? I'm no expert but I think you'll need to work on your self-worth/self esteem for starters. But before that you will need to gather up some strength and will , and try to find some help , meaning a psychiatrist who can prescribe something to make you feel a bit better , if he/she feels you need meds. .Ask questions about payment options. Don't be afraid to seek that kind of help. Don't feel like people will look at you like your "weak" , as you say. Do you think your the only one in South Africa with deppression? I think not. I have no idea what the job market is like over there but I'd say finding steady work would certainly make you feel better about yourself. { and a paycheck is great too! }.The bottom line is you need to take some kind of action. Coming to this board was a fantastic start!! Please hang in there. As a friend once told me " There's a ray of sunshine right around the corner"

Post Edited (lisfisher) : 10/4/2007 2:21:28 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 10/5/2007 4:34 AM (GMT 0)
I have been groveling in this bottom of this hole almost a year and half now although this darkness has been with me most my life i never really knew why i felt like this just alwas tought i am a pathetic loser and it has been hard but somehow i got up everytime and i lived with it oneday at a time. i am trying to make sens as to why i have been and still am feeling this way hate making excuses for my patheticness so its a battle if i do get help i will have to talk about stuff i dont really want to besides the stuff happend so long ago how could it have any affect on me now. i am an adult i should be able to live this life yet i dont.My choice i have to make soon because cant go on living like this if u can call it living is do i die or do i live and if i live how do heck do i do that...............i need a reason bigger than just me...............
Posted 10/5/2007 11:59 AM (GMT 0)
Oh hon, let me tell you about how the past can haunt your days.
I had a horrible child hood. Mom was abusive,dad not in the picture. Then I was molested at the age of 12 by one of my mom's boyfriends. My life spiraled big time after that. I got married at 17, he decided I would make a great punching bag,and it took me 14 years to finally get enough guts to leave him.
All that in a nutshell is the reason I have nightmares 2-3 times a week. I cry for no reason. I fight the depression everyday.

There is no way to simply turn your brain off. But,what I am learning is that you can face the past. And in my case realize that I did nothing wrong,it was not my fault (I am still working on all of that). And talk about it.


Shy
Posted 10/5/2007 2:28 PM (GMT 0)
Dark - try these numbers , they may be able to help you. If not , do NOT get discouraged.

Crisis Counselling

Lifeline – (011) 715-2000

Life Lines Southern Africa National Crisis number - 0861 322 322

Provides a 24 hour telephone counselling service and face-to-face ­personal counselling by appointment.

www.lifeline.org.za

Johannesburg - (011)
Pretoria - (012)
Vaal - (016)
Cape Town - (021)
Durban - (031)
Port Elizabeth - (041)
Bloemfontein - (051)
Posted 10/5/2007 3:55 PM (GMT 0)
Lisfisher thank you for the numbers I have phoned them thats how i got to the guy who got a heart attack its funny.

Shy thank you for sharing sorry u had to go trough all that can understand it have had similar experiances and i guess it has had an effect somehow i have tried to put that stuff behind me but its still with me in everything i do as much as i deny it....but not making excuses for where i am and how i feel its all my own fault and not sure how to fix not sure i can fix it
Posted 10/5/2007 5:05 PM (GMT 0)
Well you have to look at whatever it is that's haunting you and ask yourself is it really worth suffering the rest of your life for. God forgives people , remember this. Do you have any hobbies? I realize your probably not in that state of mind to do something you like but when I feel very low I force myself to go fishing. It's hard to drag myself out there initially on those crummy days but once I'm out there everything changes for the better. Anyway , get yourself active and make that first major move and seek some professional help. Don't be ashamed , look at the number of people on this forum alone!! We're only human...

Post Edited By Moderator (ShynSassy) : 10/6/2007 6:57:11 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 10/6/2007 2:03 PM (GMT 0)
Dark
I just wanted you to understand that alot of us can relate to what you are feeling. That you are not crazy,and that your feelings are pretty normal for depression.
Like I said before,use this forum. We will be here for you as much as we can ok?


Shy
Posted 10/6/2007 3:51 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you for taking time to reply to my posts.I realize there are alot of ppl out there who feel the same way and that is just sad.I dont know what else to say just

wish it would all go away...........

Posted 10/7/2007 12:03 PM (GMT 0)
And someday it will Dark,it is just going to take awhile and the right treatment.



Shy
Posted 10/8/2007 4:44 PM (GMT 0)
I know there is nothing more to say on the subject. I need to get help just feeling very alone right now with so many toughts and questions turning around in my head wondering how and where i will find the help i need and if i do find help will i be able to hold on until the meds kick in if they work will they be able to help me if i dont know what is wrong myself.I know just sitting here wont help just not sure who to try next and how to get myself to do it the few times i tried it turned up a dead end, i know i need to keep trying if i want to live and only me can do it.At this point death seems a whole lot easier and less complicate but i know its not the answer, i came here for help and i have got plenty thank you. Its just so hard right now as I let my mind ponder on the reality of my life to see any light....
Posted 10/9/2007 12:15 PM (GMT 0)
Dark
There is alot to say on the subject. Everything that you are feeling is important. The only way to understand it for us and yourself is to talk about it.
So,keep talking you are not wasting anyone's time,that is why we are all here.

You will beat the depression


Shy
Posted 10/11/2007 4:24 PM (GMT 0)
another day another week another month what more will it take for me to get a life to get of my ***and be something ??????

I seem to be riding a roller coaster of 2 emotions total suicidal apathy and hopelessness to exploding rage thats al i do al day.i wake up and wish i had not then the mind starts the ride the disgust and frustration at my self my situation compared so many others and my inability to change to appreciate what i have what is wrong with me every little thing builds the anger frustration until i explode and i become what i despise and then the apathy the darkness takes over and the urge to just end it consumes me...



Dark
I had to edit your post,we have to be careful with the language that we use on this site as we do have minors that come here for help.


Shy

Post Edited By Moderator (ShynSassy) : 10/12/2007 6:02:59 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 10/11/2007 5:18 PM (GMT 0)
I am so sorry that you feel this way dark. I just wish I was close enough to hug you. Is there something that you love to do????
Posted 10/12/2007 7:31 AM (GMT 0)
Ty floralie.I dont really want to answer not because u did something wrong just because i feel so embarised i dont seem to like much of anything stuff i use to like dont intrest me anymore they seem so empty and imaterial . I am just so angry at myself at my patheticness.I know i need to get out there and do stuff i know only i can do that .............
Posted 10/12/2007 12:12 PM (GMT 0)
Dark

That is very normal with depression. I used to love riding horses,going on bike rides..chocolate.
But,during my major depression break down I just did not have the will to do any of that.
I also was very big on hugging my kids everyday..and I found myself flinching when they hugged me. That was horrible.

Have you found another doctor yet?


Shy
Posted 10/12/2007 1:20 PM (GMT 0)
Dark, I dont know what you are going throug completely, but I have a bit of an idea. We can help eachother through the hardest time of our lives. I need a friend, and so do you....


Here is my hand.....take it if you want too. I'll ride the coaster with you and we will get to the end.
Posted 10/12/2007 3:14 PM (GMT 0)
Ty floralie i need a friend and so do you i will do my best hope that will do :-) hope you know this is a hec of a roaller coaster you getting onto lol.
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