Dealing With Guilt From "Bad Guy's" Perspective?

Suffering from depression anxiety and on Lexapro now for it. Just curious if anybody has any good resources for dealing with guilt/depression from the "bad guy's" perspective, as most of the information out there seems to be from the other end of the spectrum. While I didn't kill anybody or rob a bank, I have done a few things in my prior teens that rank pretty high up there on the "morality scale". Things that people could have probably got me thrown in jail for had they wanted to. That's sort'a what bothers me as well...Why didn't they throw me in jail when others have been? Why not me?

I even apologized some ten years later (very scarey!) to one person I wronged. I said "I want to apologize for the person I was back then. I'm not the same person." This person (to my relief) just kind'a blew it off, saying "Ah, that was a long time ago. We were just kids." Just the same, I can't seem to forgive myself. The "what if" thinking of guilt/shame seems to always hold me back.

Things like I could have done a better job or been more specific, but they did know what I was talking about...I'm sure. Or thoughts like I should have asked for forgiveness and not just apologized. It's since been another ten years and I don't want to pop into this person's life again just to try to ease my conscience with what I feel is a better apology. I know for a fact that even then my mind will come up with reasons why that one wasn't good enough as well.

One thing I try to hold onto is it has made me a better person. I now go out of my way not to hurt or wrong anybody. I even was given the chance recently to sue somebody for an injury in their vehicle (it would have been a lot of money), but decided not to since my conscience just wouldn't let me enjoy the money.

Despite "being good" and trying to live right, knowing I'll never do those bad things ever again, the things I've done continue to plague me. How do I let it go?

 

Post Edited (Thomas) : 10/13/2007 8:59:18 AM (GMT-6)

A very kind and forgiving response. Thanks for that. I plan to print it out and read it over again whenever I feel the need to. I know that depression warps the mind and many times makes things larger in your mind than they might have been to other people. That's part of the sickness. Still, I can't excuse some things I've done to being "blown out of proportion". I know they weren't exactly good things that I can simply rationalize away for the most part. Don't get me wrong, I didn't do a ton of things that were *really* bad. For the most part I tried to stay out of trouble. That's what's so serile (sp?) to me. It is really like I was another person back then that I simply don't want to be "friends with" or a part of at all. Somebody once told me that your brain is under developed as a teenager and so you'll do some inmoral things that as an adult you'd never even consider. That's sort'a the way I feel about it.

What also bothers me is what another friend compared his past actions to. He asked me if I ever saw the Star Treak Generations movie in which a cosmic string was floating through space. Simple little changes to the gravitation pull on it, such as blowing up a moon, had major impact on it's pathway through space over time. My friend wonderd if his prior deeds that effected people would in turn effect others by their actions, and thus the negative impact continues on like a ripple from a stone thrown into the water. I really wish he hadn't told me that story about his concerns, because now they are mine as well. I guess all I can do is pray for things like that not to happen.

Thanks again for your kind words.

 

Hi Thomas, I can relate brother. I mainly use this website for concerns with my colitis but I pop in this forum every once in a while, and I am really glad I did tonight. I too am plagued with guilt from stuff I did in my teens. I regret so much, especially hurting others. I have since made it a point to be a better person and never do those things again. I would actually never dream of doing some of the stuff I did in those days. I play those scenes over and over again, torturing myself, but why? Im not that person anymore. I guess I just need forgiveness. Or more to the point, I want someone to really get to know me, past and all, and be able to say that its ok, Im a good person. Since we both didn't do anything too criminal, we need to look at our offenses as minor, I guess. And I bet the people we think we harmed werent really affected by our actions. I had a counsler once tell me that I just enjoy punishing myself for one reason or another and I use this guilt to get the job done. I think he might be right, I dont know, I do know that I hate that dark feeling I get sometimes when Im reminded of the person I was.