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Posted 10/23/2007 1:06 AM (GMT 0)
Today was horrible; Absolutely horrible. The girls at school are spreading rumors that I'm bulimic, which is getting on my last nerve. I do go to the bathroom alot but it's only to calm down every couple hours, or when I'm having a panic attack. The anxiety and tension have been so much worse, and I haven't slept properly in about 20 hours now. I have a cold, and I'm hoping I can stay home tommorow because I feel absolutely horrible. There has been alot more that happened the day, but I'm not really in the mood to talk about it.

Feelings of self harm have been going on all day
-Ciddy
Posted 10/23/2007 9:56 AM (GMT 0)

Hi there,

I hated school for the same reason. Kids are sooooo cruel in spreading rumours and bullying people. Unfortunately, here in the UK there is little that can be done about it... not sure about how US law stands. Have you told someone about this? This really needs to stop. We are always here if you want to talk to someone. Don't let the bullies win.

Darren

Posted 10/23/2007 11:51 AM (GMT 0)
Ciddy

Have you talked to your parents about the self harm thought????



Shy
Posted 10/25/2007 1:20 AM (GMT 0)

Yes, they do know, and take no action what so ever

Yesterday, they started to gain up on me, saying things like; "Why can't you just be normal?" or "Why do you have to screw everything up?" This is from the people who gave me life. See how much they care?

I was very tense and angry today. I failed a math test for God only knows why. I thought I did well on this one, but apparently not. My math teacher called me up and asked why I wasn't staying for math help. I don't need math help; I understand the materials perfectly. It's the test I always mess up. She says I don't pay attention, and made me sound like an idiot in front of everyone. No, I am not blaming it on the teacher; I blame myself completely, but she could've been a bit nicer about it.

After that, of course, I couldn't concentrate, and was a nervous wreck the entire day. I had a panic attack in English class, and we were having a test so I probably messed that up. My english teacher of course noticed my behavior and called me in at recess. there, everything spilt out, and now she knows I'm suicidal.

I went home and slept for hours, until my friend called me and woke me up with a crisis of her own. After that, I found it impossible to sleep, as tired as I was. I went downstairs to watch TV, where my mother was sewing a dress for a friend. She started to get on my back about my sleeping paterns and my grades. She, who told me 3 weeks ago not to worry about it, told me my father was going to "beat me bloody" when he see's my report card...in less than a week! She gave me a warning like that when report cards come out less than a week from now

-Ciddy

Reason for edit:

As you suspected, I have had to take the last paragraph of your post out in line with rule #1. (https://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=46&m=106997) Darren

Post Edited By Moderator (djdaz_1985) : 10/25/2007 3:59:16 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 10/25/2007 1:40 AM (GMT 0)
Oh, forgot to add this; I had another nightmare last night. My friend(who's been going through depression for about a year now) and I were in a fast food/ carnival. The fast food place was kind of like Arbys, but it was like $30.00 for a sandwitch. There was also a ride that had you lay in a coffin, with bones on top of you and you have to be real queit and still. Mine, however, required a mask to wear. I asked the man running the ride why we had to be so quiet and he said "oh...you'll see why..." Then, a man came in with a butcher knife and murdered everyone, complaining the food was too expensive.

Then the dream got better; I was in heaven, and all my friends were there. We were all finally happy.

I have no idea if this means anything but I figured I'd include it

-Ciddy
Posted 10/25/2007 10:06 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Ciddy,

I am so sorry that you are hurting this badly and that you are lost at the moment. I really think that you should be seeking professional help with this one. You are in a very dark place at the moment and I think you need to let a lot of things out. Have you condiered ringing one of the helplines? If I remember correctly, you live in the US so try: 1-800-784-2433. ShynSassy knows a lot more numbers for the US than I do, since I live in the UK. Please keep in touch with us and please seek professional help.

Darren

Posted 10/25/2007 12:17 PM (GMT 0)
Dear Ciddy

Please try to get some outside help. I don't understand why your parents are just throwing advice and mean words at you.
My son is going through so much with depression ect,and it angers me when parents are not trying to get some help for their kids.
Have you thought about writing a letter to your parents? Telling them everything? Making sure you tell them what you have told us.

Here are some numbers for you..please use them if you need to.

We will be here for you as much as the internet will allow,but at some point you need to see a doctor,and not let this go on anymore. I know you do not want to feel this way,I know you want to be happy. This is not the way to go though,getting help whether your parents agree or not.

National Suicide Hotline
1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)

SuicidalTeens.com

www.selfinjury.com/index.html


(((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))

Shy
Posted 11/2/2007 2:13 AM (GMT 0)
I'm sorry it's taken me so long to reply. So much has happened over the past week that I can't even begin to explain. I'll try to explain this the best way I can right now.

Last Thursday was a tough day; I had it out with my mother in the early morning. And I know I probably won't be able to post this so I'll explain it the best way I can. Around 4th period I realized exactly what I had done to myself, and I was TERRIFIED. I went up to my reading teacher and told her "I feel funny, I think I need to go to the nurse." Oh, and get this, she started LAUGHING at me, "Oh you always feel funny." she said. I told her if I didn't go to the nurse something bad would happen, and after about 25 minutes she let me go.

The school nurse(who I'm close with)the other school counselor, my mother, my English and reading teacher all found out what I did, and they spent about 20 minutes lecturing me to something I considered to be an accident (in a way, it was) I went to the hospital and everything's fine, so there's nothing to worry about. However, I almost got admitted. Yes, admitted, for a possible 3 days or more. My mother managed to get me out of it.

Here's the best part; when I got out of the hospital I was just really glad to be alive. There were no depressive thoughts or feelings of self harm at all. The last 4 days 6 days have acually went very well. However, today was report card day...because of my mental state right now I had asked my mother to not show me my report card, because I would probably snap at that moment. We agreed that I wouldn't be punished since I was feeling better and promised to do better. When they handed out our report cards, I didn't look at mine of course. about 5 minutes later, I asked to go to the bathroom. My reading teacher (who is also my homeroom teacher) said "Why?! Is it your report card???" and I said, " I just have to go to the bathroom...I haven't even looked at it yet..." So when I come back I asked her another question(I think it was about homework)and she says, "Why didn't yoou look at your report card?" and I'm like, "Because I don't want to see it." What happens next completely sent me over the edge.

She DEMANDS, yes, thats right, demands to let her see my report card so she could read it to me. I told her numerous time I didn't want to hear it, but she eventually forced me too. There, she read me my grades, that of course were not very good at all. I got very angry and told her I didn't want to see them. "You would have to see it eventually" she says "Then you'll know the areas you have to imporve on" So I say, "You know the mental state that I'm in and you chose to do something that would make me snap" and I walked away

I realize the grades are my fault alone; I am completely aware of that so please don't bother lecturing me. But what she did to me was vain and cold hearted, especially afterr my attempt last Thrusday. How stupid do you have to be?

-Ciddy (I'll be up most of the night so I'll comment back very quickly)
Posted 11/2/2007 4:05 AM (GMT 0)
Ciddy...iffin I could be so bold to ask, are your parents alcoholics, did they grow up in dysfunctional home? The reason I asked is cuz I did. I think(no expert here)that they are in denial...want to believe nothing is happening to upset their lives. I have been depressed most of my life. I started cutting my self in junior high. I also had a few times where I tried suicide but not successful. If you cannot get help w/ friends, school, how about clergyman/woman...or like Darren said Suicide Hotline. I know there is a reason for me to be on earth....sometimes painful...I will prevail. TC and email me iffin u feel the need. Peace Out! Kota

"Let your pain be the fuel to overcome adversity." sad
Posted 11/2/2007 11:19 AM (GMT 0)
Ciddy

I am so sorry that you had to deal with all of that. It is alot for someone so young.
I really want you to get yourself to a doctor asap. They have programs that can help you.


Please talk to your parents about it.


Shy
Posted 11/3/2007 3:32 AM (GMT 0)
If you think that was horible, nothing could've matched this.

My English teacher, as you know, was planning to be my confirmation sponsor. Today was a very good day; everything came out right until the end of the day...when I got a letter...My Englsih teacher backed out of being my sponsor. She said she didn't feel comfortable doing it (which is completely stupid cause when I asked her last month she was tickled to death)and that she felt it would "be best for everyone in this situation" that she backed down. She said she didn't feel comfortable being a sponsor, although she has to alot of other students before me. I know I shpoudln't be mad at her, because it is her decision and I have to respect it, but I am hurt and extremely confused. She was fine all week; She hugged me on Monday and said that everything from last week would be put behind us. Then yesterday she just seemed very distant and cold, as well as today. She says that she's not mad at me, but what on earth did I do to make her change her mind? What I did on Thursday was an accident; I did not mean to do it. She wants to talk about it with me on Monday, but to be honest, I don't even want to look at her

I thought someone really cared about me, but I guess I was wroung

Oh, the counselors are refusing to talk to me. Yes, you heard me, they refuse; which means now I have absolutely no one to turn to. I have no idea why God would punish me like this, I must be a horrible person.

I can't type anymore
-Ciddy
Posted 11/3/2007 4:22 AM (GMT 0)
Hello Ciddy. I know what you are going through, it sucks. It will get better but as the others have said, you need to see a doctor or therapist asap. Please do it for us and most of all yourself! You deserve to be better. You are young and have so much life to come! I hope this helps, keep us posted.
Posted 11/3/2007 1:17 PM (GMT 0)
Ciddy

I am sorry that your teacher changed her mind. I wonder if it is because she has no idea how to help you and she is confused and hurting herself? I know teachers have to be careful of how far they go with their students just so they do not become emotionally involved. She might also have some of her own problems at home and just feels that she can't do both.
Give her a chance to explain,and then see how you feel from there.

I do not understand why your counselors are shutting you out. This might also be a situation where they do not know how to help you and feel that you need more of an expert. That is really not their fault hon,they are just school counselors and probably feel they might be doing you more harm than good.

I think you should take this as a sign that you need more professional help and try to do everything you can to find it.
Starting with your family doctor,or a crisis help line.

Shy
Posted 11/3/2007 2:43 PM (GMT 0)

Hi there,

I too am sorry that your teacher has pulled out of sponsoring you. She must have had a good reason if she has sponsored people before. I can understand that you are angry and upset about it. As for your councillors, I dont understand that at all. If they are that quick to turn people away, then I am thinking that they are not very good councillors in the first place. You need to try and find a professional councillor or someone else you can talk to now. You are not a horrible person, I am sure of that. Maybe what has happened is a way of getting you to change your councillor because the one you had was not right for you?

Please keep talking to us... we will always be here.

Darren

Posted 11/20/2007 1:00 AM (GMT 0)
Okay,

After about 2 weeks after posting it's been alot better; My grades are mostly Bs at the moment, which is good. I've basically been trying to stay out of everyones way, and it's been alot better...UNTIL this morning. I walk into school and see my best friend walking out of homeroom with her mother. Apparently, she was switching homerooms because of a drop in her grades. I was okay with it, because I want what's best for her. But then I walk into homeroom. My reading teacher immedietly approaches me and says "Sister wants you." In case you didn't know, Sister is our principal (who, of course, is a nun) So I went to the principals office; Now I switching homerooms, to a teacher who I'm not very comfortable with. They wanted me seperated from my best friend so I could concentrate better. Then we got into what everyone thinks was my "suicide attempt," but she was not very compassionate; acually, more demanding.

So, I went back to homeroom and asked if I could speak with my Reading teacher. We went out into the hallway and I asked her if she knew why I was switching rooms, and she claimed she had no idea (she HAD to have had an idea, even the teacher who's homeroom I was transferring to knew about it) She then got into how I "lied to her"

I have a friend in my area; We never uset to get along so we would write stupid little comments to eachother over email. We're friends now and now we make a whole joke of the situation saying things like, "MW Must Die!!" Now, my best friend is also very good friends with her, so I wrote our little inside joke about the MW thing. MW happens to be my reading teachers innitials, and just happened to find it. Everyone made a huge deal about it and the woman told everyone who has any compassion for me. Claiming she's "worried about me." (which I highly doubt) Well, we had a parent-teacher confirance on Thursday. My parents didn't go, but my best friend(who's name is Kelsie)'s parents did go. My reading teacher mentioned this to them (we both said she lived in Cleveland so we wouldn't get in trouble) and she told them we lied about it. I lied because her parents aren't very fond of me, or the idea of her and me being friends, so If I told the truth she would've called them and I would be in trouble.

So she starts on that, when she's acually lying to me about "knowing nothing about it." Sister lied to my mother, saying it was my grades that made them switch me, but before the meeting she had no idea what my grades were.

This is just ridiculous; I lost my favorite teacher, my counselors, and now this? What do the expect me to do now?
-Ciddy
Posted 11/20/2007 5:28 AM (GMT 0)
Ciddy, I had a lot of painful episodes in HS where I felt ALONE. I am not really certain what the whole picture is here but sounds like a lot of hurt/anger/sadness somewhere down in the depths of your soul. I can somewhat relate as my parents didn't know how to help me either. I felt VERY alone at times and wanted to cry until I couldn't cry anymore. Just talk to someone you feel comfortable . One cannot change the past but you can focus on creating a different mindset for the present time. Life isn't always what one wishes for but sometimes you have to learn to role w/ the punches. I was very hurt and alone and didn't even know what I NEEDED so how could others help me. Just be yourself for who else are you going to be and express your feeling(aka get junk out of the trunk).
Take things one Day at a Time. Hugz. Kota
PS. Email me iffin u feel the need:)
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