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Posted 11/13/2007 8:14 PM (GMT 0)
I'm really tired of my life.  I'm sorry, but I'm so sick of feeling depressed.  I have a doc's appt tomorrow to start changing my meds but I see no relief in sight.  I continue to torture myself with my b/f (if that's what you want to call him). I know many of you have given me great advice already but it's so freaking hard to let go.  I really want things to work out between us but I'm starting to give up hope.  And doing that, I get sadder and sadder.

 

I've also told you how I don't like to eat when I'm depressed.  I had a co-worker tell me I've lost weight and not in a flattering way.  My sister saw a picture of me and this is what she said, "You need to eat. I can tell you're suffering. I don't mean this bad only that I can tell you've been hurt. You take it out on yourself."

 

I don't know why I keep punishing myself for our failed relationship or his idiotic ways of thinking.  Maybe I'm supposed to be alone all my life...if so, fine...just don't make it hurt so bad.  I continue on a daily basis to "fix" things with him, make him understand that I did nothing wrong, at least nothing worth kicking me out of his home and life.  All I did was not tell him an ex b/f contacted me for help through email.  Never did I talk to the ex on the phone, just a few email messages.  I didn't cheat or plan on cheating like he thinks.

 

I've been with him for 5+ years and I realized last night that he doesn't have a clue who I am...and I find that very sad.  I was born & bred good with a heart of gold.  I'd never cheat.  Again, he apparently doesn't know me.

 

I'm so sick and tired of his games. And why can I not let go.  I should be mad as hell for what he did to me but all I want is to be back with him....

 

sorry for the long vent

Posted 11/14/2007 12:18 AM (GMT 0)
My friend....

I see myself in you so much it makes me want to cry.
You are in a deep deep hole,and in your eyes there is no end in sight..but from hard core experience there is a way out.
I am not going to sit here and tell you that you can do it tomorrow,or the next. But,I will tell you that one day you will wake up and realize that enough is enough. And there will be no looking back.

The day I walked out on my X,I woke up,made coffee,called my family and told them to be there at a certain time. I waited for him to get up,sit down at the kitchen table and I told him that I was done. I told him that I didn't care if he punched,screamed or whatever but enough was enough.

I did it..I still don't know where that strength came from,I don't know how I survived but I did it and so can you.

Now,it took me about 4 years of being by myself and thinking I would always be alone,but I did find someone.
You will too,and you know what? After this mess you will know the signs to look for. And years from now you will sit back and think about it and wonder why you let yourself be in that situation in the first place.

Please remember,we will be here for you. We will give as much support as we can. But,you are the one that has to know that you deserve so much better and that there is the strength deep inside,you just have to search for it.

Shy
Posted 11/14/2007 5:41 AM (GMT 0)

Dear controlled

This is a new and raw wound for you. You have made a discovery that the life you have been living is not healthy for you and you must learn to love yourself.  You can not control you B/F's feelings or actions but only your reactions to the situation.

May I suggest that you begin to journal. Get honest with how you feel about things; how things "really are" instead of how you "think" they are or would like them to be.  Write it all down. Be honest with yourself! Spend a lot of time thinking about what's happening right now, instead of dwelling on the past. There is no future in the past. Being concerned about something that has already happened; something you cannot change, keeps you stuck. To begin again; to really move ahead, you must work on you ! Let go of the past.

I know it is easy for me to write this to you and much harder for you to do, but I hope you can bring yourself to believe in you and build your self esteem.  You are a caring and worthy person.  Gentle Hugs.

Kitt

Posted 11/16/2007 12:04 PM (GMT 0)
Controlled??? how are you today?



Shy
Posted 11/16/2007 5:29 PM (GMT 0)
:-)  'm about the same.  Confused.  Wishing I could be "that girl" that I used to be.  I still wear a frown sad everyday.  I may have short bursts of laughter but it always fades quickly.  I'm happy that you asked about me, that makes me feel good.  Thank you.

I started my new med regimen yesterday and I don't see a difference just yet, I know too early.  Although she did increase my Klonies to 1mg at night and it's been 2 beautiful nights of sleep.

However, I still continue to want the b/f, I even asked him out for tonight.  I was in shock that he said yes without his usual, "I can't make a commitment right now or I have to see what's going on".  But I'm so depressed, I'm not even that excited about it.

My dr said I've sunk back into major depression.  Not b/c of my relationship (that helped) but in general.  I told her that when I'm out, ppl must look at me and think, wow she is a sad girl.  I feel like Cameron Diaz in the movie Vanilla Sky..."the saddest girl to ever hold a martini".

Oh yeah~ I did force myself to make spagetti dinner last night, not so bad.  It's the first real meal I've had since Sunday :-)

Posted 11/17/2007 10:43 AM (GMT 0)

Hi Controlled.

How did your dinner go with your b/f? I hope it went well. Hopefully your new meds will start to make a difference soon. There is nothing worse than the 'in-between' stage where you dont really have anything. You dont have the old med, but the new med isnt strong enough yet. But bear with it, you will get there... I am sure of it.

Darren

Posted 11/17/2007 1:00 PM (GMT 0)
Controlled
I remember walking around and being very jealous of people that were laughing,and smiling. Or holding hands with someone, I wanted to laugh without faking it and smile without feeling like my face was going to crack.
I am not there 100% but I am there...so much so that I don't even think about it now.

2 years after my divorce I was thinking about dating again..scared to death of course but wanted to try it.
But,I was having no luck on getting any man to approach me. And one night I went out with my brother.
One of his friends had told him he was interested in me,but was afraid to approach me because I had the look of "don't come near me,don't talk to me,don't even look at me" on my face.
LOL,I had no idea!!! But, that is how I had been for the last 13 years to my X, I think the " Do not think about it" look was plastered onto my face.

I am so glad that your meds were increased,I know you are able to get through this...like I said one day at a time.


Shy
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