Wife with depression, what to do feel lost, helpless?

 

Hello All!  Well i have gotten some good information from this site and its nice to see that i am not the only one going through this right now!  I am totally confused but after reading all these posts i feel a lot better about my situation.  My wife has been depressed for over a year now, and not realizing what it was, our marriage had taken a turn for the worse and we were facing divorce.  My wife feels that she has been treated so badly for so long in our relationship and it seems that all she can focus on is all the negative of our relationship and not even look at the good times.  I mean yeah we have our ups and downs and i know that no marriage is perfect, but I am struggling to try to keep it all together, especially for our three children.  I want nothing more than for our marriage to work and i know it can survive because of our love.  I have read singer69's post about his situation and i feel just like he did, why is everything my fault?  The blame always seems to be focused on me and its everything I did or didn't do,  Sometimes its so overwhelming I don't know if she even loves me at times, she can be mean, rude irratable and I mean she says she loves me and I believe in what we have together.  She has been struggling with depression as well as an anxiety disorder and is on meds for both.  I had noticed previous that when she wasn't on her meds she became more irratable and we always seemed to have problems in our relationship.  She is seeking counseling and is trying to improve as well as we are attending marriage counseling.  She has moved out of our family home and has since moved back with her parents to try to deal with her situation.  I am guessing that it is due to her depression and all her confusion and i didn't know much about her situation until know.  I just thought it was an excuse to not be with me anymore but we are holding on to what we have.  It is just hard because she says she doesn't know what she wants, but she knows she loves me but doesn't know what she really wants, shes confused and i am confused too. Just trying to be there for her and give her my love and support and try not to get my feelings too mixed in with hers cause she gets really overwhelmed with all my concerns too about our relationship.  I just need to know what else to do to help her and my family?

Cris
Welcome to the forum.
I think that your wife is trying to deal with her current depression and for some reason feels that being in the family home is only making it worse.

Have you two thought about marriage counseling? Plus I think that she could really benefit from counseling herself.

I know it is hard with kids,but I will tell you that if a marriage stays in tact just because of kids that is not a healthy environment for anyone.

I stayed in a bad marriage for 13 years because of the kids. After I left their dad my kids told me that all of the things that I thought I had hidden,they knew about .My son is 17 now and is still feeling the after shocks of that bad marriage.

Please consider the counseling and keep us posted.

Good Luck

Shy

do you think she might have to deal with some childhood issues and that is why she moved back in with her folks

I think that is how she feels at that time, it is very hard to be very reflective at times of trial

Cris,

I am sorry your wife is suffering from depression and also that you are having to deal with the consequences of it.  Maybe when the time is right in your marriage counseling, you might want to bring up the point about her always running back home to her parents and that they are more than happy to have your wife and your children to protect and take care of.  This sounds like a real issue that needs to be dealt with.  Unless you abuse them, and I don't by any means think you do, your wife needs to grow up and stop running home to mommy and daddy and face life as an adult.  She is certainly not setting a good example for your children.  Are they going to grow up, get married and if their spouse ticks them off, load up their kids and run back home.  It will be a learned behavior.

I'm sure the kids are pretty confused by all of this back and forth stuff too.  Do you get to see them when she takes them to her parent's home?

I would strongly advise you to keep going to the marriage counseling and maybe bring up in there what kind of example is being set for the kids.

Welcome to HealingWell, we are one big family here and we are here for you.  Please stay strong.

Take care!

Carla

Hello Carla, Navy,

Well thanks to everyone who has replied with advice, its nice to see that I am not alone with this and I appreciate all the support thank you! 

 

  I have never understood her as to why she runs off all the time and I have mentioned to her that it is setting a bad example to the children.  She quickly shifts the blame to me and mentions all my wrong doings and the bad examples that I am setting for the children.  I am under the impression that she believes that she is being abused because of the fighting.  I mean yeah I do raise my voice I yell and understand that is not a good example for the children to be seeing.  I have really improved with this and am working on myself as well in an individual counselling setting.  Ya i do get frustrated with the arguments because she always finds something to sling back in my face even if it goes into the past.  She has a hard time letting go of anything that I have done or said in the past.  I realize my mistakes and understand the rules of fighting fair but she can never see where it is that i am coming from or how i feel about things, instead she always has to find another reason or excuse for the things that I have done.  She blames my anger and that she is afraid that I am going to hurt her or the kids.  I would never hurt her or my kids I love them!  This is the reason that she says she has to move out to feel safe and be in her support system.

  Thanks for all the advice and I don't mind answering questions cause i really want to find out what i need to do to help the situation, but the burning question with me is why she can't see that i am here for her I should be her support not her parents she should know that we are the ones that need to work out our marriage and support one another, but she just blames the depression and doesn't know what to think about anything, I think even about the certainty of our marriage.  Can't she just get over the past and understand that I am working on change too but she needs to do the same and work on it with me!

I do understand my faults and i understand the things i have done to not be supportive, and i know that I am changing and have changed things that i know she did not like.  I am only saying and admitting my faults and I am trying to improve on all these areas especially with the little ones around.  I know marriage councelling has really helped me address my actions and understand our feelings and what it does and how it affects not only us but our family.  I have stopped and know i only want to make it right for our family.  I truly understand the mistakes I have made and that is why I too am seeking my own sessions to work on me to help us!  I have expressed that to her and I want to keep improving and show her that I can be the husband she fell in love with, and prove my love for her.  I believe in change and know that I can learn from my mistakes and really just want to make a good surrounding for them.

Thank you shy,

I don't feel like you are only finding my faults, but i know things I have done in the past don't help and I am trying to improve myself and correct the mistakes from the past.  I just want to know about women with depression and how I have not been an effective part of what my wife is going through. 

  I am so confused with everything she tells me and its like night and day at times. ( I am guessing that those are on her down days.)  She says things that really hurt me and make me question whether or not our marriage will survive.  I don't want to jump to conclusions about things and I want to take her feelings into consideration.  I don't know what it is like to be depressed and I only want to help not hinder her.  I feel like she is depressed because of me.  I feel like I should distance myself from her and give her space but it is hard because she is my wife.  I feel like she is okay with not talking to me.  Sometimes I think she forgets that I have feelings too.  I love her so much and so much has changed with her from the beginning to now and I guess its cause she is depressed. She is not the woman I married and know, seems like she is okay without me and I feel like our marriage is spiraling out of control.

Thank You Shy,

 

  Well yes it is very difficult to understand her as well as our situation.  Our whole world as it once was is all upside down, I feel like she doesn't care for me with the way she acts sometimes.  I feel like I should just leave her alone and not bother her.  It is very hard to go from what once was to the present uncertainty.  I feel like I am losing her and like I am the reason for the way that she is feeling, I think she thinks that too. 

  I do take it day to day and hope for a positive outcome, however I feel like we need to seek other treatments for her because I don't believe that her current situation is working for her as far as councelling.  I feel like she is getting worse and its a whole variety of issues which are working against her getting better.  The stress involved with the kids, Her parents trying to persuade her into there way of thinking ( or at least it seems like it.), She is very torn between feeling like she needs to please everyone as well as other issues that only she knows.

  I appreciate the responses and the support thank you, I feel like I am going nuts here and I feel like our marriage is headed for disaster!

Hello all

well things have not been good on this end.  My wife asked for a seperation and things have taken a serious turn.  We are still going to Marriage councelling I hope to try to work on our relationship.

 A few thoughts on my end about marriage councelling, Does this really work or do we just sit there and find faults and things we don't like about one another.  I am seriously trying to change myself and our situation.  However I feel like everything is very one sided I am constanly trying taking time off work and trying to work on me to attend councelling and find how to help her.  However I do not see her trying or does she even realize what she is doing to me and to our family.  I think her parents are putting all these thoughts in her head. Her father was a councelor for 2 years for drug and alcohol rehab. and therfore she takes a lot of things that he says like he is right, even about our marriage telling her that our marriage will never work no matter how hard you try cause we just aren't compatible.  I mean come on this is outrageous and just plain rude to say that.  I am really working on this here!

  Shes blaming me for her unhappiness, but doesn't happiness come from within oneself?  I feel like I am just a small piece of the puzzle here.  She seems to live in the past and always talks about her childhood and growing up, all her conversations revolve around her family and doesn't stop to think that we have a family of our own.  It seems to me like she has deeper rooted issues that she needs to get help for and stop putting the blame on our marriage as the cause for her depression, along with all the past our relationship has had she lives in the past. 

  She even went so far as to tell me that I made her angry when she was with me and that she had never felt like that with anyone else before!  How do I take that.  She says that that is not the depression talking but that that is what she has been leading up to and has found in her own sessions.  What is going on here one minute I thought we were getting better the next she wants a divorce. Seems like a quick fix to place blame but I feel that this won't resolve any or her own issues.  I am trying to be patient and help her out but we rarely even talk anymore.  I do get to see the kids but its not the same without mom, they even know that things are different we aren't a family anymore and that is what hurts the most.  I love my wife and my family but I cannot tell her that cause she won't listen to me or just disregards that I tell her that by saying I know.  Not even an I love you back OUCH!  I don't know what to say or do anymore i need some advice please.  She also says that she doesn't miss talking to me or seeing me for that matter even bigger OUCH!  Has our love just faded or what is the real issue here, besides her family and all their judgemental ways I know they don't like me and would love to see us part ways so they empower her and put all these things in her head. What about our family doesn't that mean anything anymore?  I know change can happen for a relationship and for people but I need some time too.  Any advice would be awesome!

 

I am so sorry about your situation. I can really relate to what you and your wife are going through. It sounds as though your wife is still depressed even though she is being treated for it with meds. If she is depressed then nothing anyone does is right, even you, her husband. She only sees the negative due to the biochemistry being off. Believe me, Depression is really hard on a couple. My husband and I have been down that road for a long time. He always felt frustrated by me being that way and it made him very mad. He couldn't always support me like I needed cuz of it.

What might help you is to get on a low dose of an anxiety medication that your doctor prescribes so it can help you in dealing with her depression. Also, she may be on the wrong medication. I know I tried many of them and they always pooped out. I finally found a new one that is supposed to work consistently and I finally feel normal for the first time in a long time. My husband and children are happy again too because I am. =0)

I think your wife needs time to get her biochemistry right again and she just needs you to be patient and understanding. She needs to know that you love her no matter what. With time, Eshe will be able to figure out how she really feels about you and the kids. Just keep in mind that she is confused because of the depression.Everything is very dark.

It probably helps her feel more secure to have her parents around for now. So please hang in there. I know it's really difficult but please believe that things will get better. Positive thinking can transform things.

I wish you the best of luck and you and your wife are in my prayers. If you wanna write me back feel free to. I really hope this helps.

Peace,
Faith23

Thanks for the welcome Darren. Yes, I know a lot of people have helped me to get where I am at now. They were a light in the storm. I am just passing on the kindness. . I think we are all put here on earth to love and help one another.

Peace and love to all of you suffering. I am sending you my prayers.May you find consistent wellness. I believe it is possible if only we believe.

Love, Faith23 =0) smiley face sideways

Chris1...this is for you. Your sad post is the reason I registered. I am new to this website just today. Found it while searching for information on Zoloft.

I wanted to tell you that your post could have been made by my own husband. I am the guilty party in our story. Poor guy suffers terribly because nothing he does is right, nothing he does is pleasing to me. Sigh.

Since he began working away from home, coming home every other weekend, my nerves have calmed down much. However...it isn't so rosey when he gets home. I find I have no patience whatsoever with him. He never does things the way I do them and just having him here is irritating to me. I have not a romantic bone left in my body for him though I love him dearly and he is more handsome to me than ever. He still thinks I am the hottest babe on earth. While I can barely stand to look at myself in the mirror anymore. Go figure. What to do...what to do...

The battles are enormous sometimes. I am the one who shouts and screams while he just looks at me with a hurt and bewildered look. I try to stop myself but I am just helpless. The anger comes out. No....the rage comes out.

We had been best friends for 20 years, long before we married. Divorced folks bring a lot of baggage into the marriage with them. And when you are not able to raise a family of your own, well...what is it then that will bind a couple together and make them grow in love instead of frustration as we age?

Thank God that he is the good man that he is. Thank God that he is the forgiving man that he is. We will make it through because he is patient and steady where I am neither. We have a good prayer life and most of all we do know how much we love each other. As mad as he makes me at times, the truth is I know my world would end if something bad ever happened to him.

That doesn't relieve me of my responsibility though. I have got to get a handle on my emotions and my anger. I have got to learn to just shut my bleepin' mouth instead of sharing with him every little thought, because most of my thoughts are angry ones. I must do these things NOW and I shall. Christmas is coming and this good man of mine will have a precious week at home. We will be up close and personal and under each other's skin for 7 whole days and I want with all my heart and soul to make him happy to be home. I will need all the help I can get but I do trust God will provide.

I have learned from the past that when my life spins out of control it is because I am struggling with some past action that I regret. I just need it to come to the surface...into the cold hard light so I can see it for what it is and deal with it. That will send the old demon of depression running, you can get on that. That and a little temporary assistance from Zoloft or something similar. We poor women constantly go through changes in our chemistry...puberty, menstruation, childbirth and menopause. Sheesh! If was a man I wouldn't go near a woman between the ages of 12 and 60. Too scary. This nuttiness can make me feel hopeful and happy one minute and the next minute like my world has been destroyed. At times you can't even trust what your eyes and ears are telling you. I have actually caught myself swearing up and down that something was said or done only to find out I imagined the whole thing. It is a terrible ordeal to undergo and I feel sorry for all who suffer it.

So I will pray for you and your wife, Chris1. And please...please pray also for me and mine.

Hi cris1

I was just reading through your post and your words:

"I almost think that she has more than just depression going on with her. One week things are good and we are going to work on our marriage and the next she wants a divorce! Everyday is different with her, everyday is either up or down more down than up."

Are you sure that depression is all that is going on with her? Just a thought but have a read through a few of people's experiences on the Bipolar Disorder Forum and see whether any ring a bell with you? Often people who are bipolar only focus on the depression side of their mood swings and sometimes go to the doctors only when their depression is getting too much for them to deal with everyday life. The other end of the scale when they are elevated they do not realise is equally problematic because they feel so good and cannot see why this is also a problem. Doctors often miss a diagnosis of Bipolar because patients sometimes only mention they are depressed. As the doctor is pushed for time they may not probe further and ask whether the person is actually having 'mood swings' and that actually the person does not always feel depressed at this time etc. Result is they get put on anti-depressants alone which can be disastrous for a BP sufferer. The only way to get a TRUE picture of her behaviour would be for you to also talk to whoever is treating her and give some examples of her mood swings etc.

I am not suggesting that your wife is not just suffering from depression alone, but some of the things you mention rang true with me. I have lived with my BP husband for over 20 years and during that time he has had many many periods of deep depression and also elevation. Although we love each other dearly and are extremely close (we work from home together and have our own business) we have had many periods where I have just been totally confused by his behaviour. He would swing from loving me to bits and saying that I had married 'a dud' to being the complete opposite and 'blaming me' for how bad he was feeling at any particular time and would pick on the tiniest things to justify this supposed feeling towards me. As I was the closest person to him his brain figured that I was obviously the reason for his pain.

Obviously people are not always compatible and fall out of love otherwise they would not get divorced but in our case (and many many other BP partners/spouses) it is just the way that poor BP sufferers pain/depression/elevation/confusion/rabbit in the headlights brain works and you are just often the TARGET for their cruel words and actions and not actually the REASON most of the time. I would suddenly be totally freaked out by my dear hubbie who I thought I knew intimately as sometimes he seemed to switch to being a completely different person and I couldn't understand what I had done to set him off as it were.

"get so angry and upset about the simplest things" is typical of my hubbie's behaviour in the past and I found myself walking on eggshells for many years which is not good for your own disposition and mental health. Do you find yourself doing this?

Of course mood disorders are not equal, you can spend a very long time at one end of the scale and then a short time at the other and vice versa. My hubbie is just emerging from a year long period of very deep and suicidal depression and is now elevated at the other end. He will probably remain in this state for a few weeks at best and then could be back down low again before we know it. Things like these are extremely difficult to manage even with the correct diagnosis, meds and spouse and family support and there are many many people like you battling with these things daily.

I am not saying that you are perfect of course, none of us are just wanted to give you a view from the other side of the fence as it were. I don't get from reading your posts that you are some kind of 'monster' who your wife is having to 'put up with' and be abused by on a daily basis. You would not be doing your research and trying to get answers so caringly on this forum if this were the case.

So to get to my original point, can you probe deeper and do a little more research and also look at your wife's behaviour a little closer maybe and see if there is another element in there. It is so easy to take a doctor/counsellor/therapist's opinion when what you really need is a full and proper diagnosis by a psychiatrist sometimes. These are the only people that will spend the time fully evaluating your wife's behaviour and asking the right set of questions to find out what is actually going on with her if it is something other than her dissatisfaction in her marriage and life with you. She certainly sounds very confused.

Hope this is helpful.

Honey Bee

PS. V sorry for the long post I never seem to be able to explain things succinctly enough!

Post Edited (Honey Bee) : 12/10/2007 4:47:11 AM (GMT-7)