Speaking Up

I've dealt with depression on and off for the past 3 years. In the past two months my depression has become much more severe. I was diagnosed with a chronic illness at 18 (3 years ago) and I know this is the source of my depression. I am lucky that I am not experiencing many symptoms at this time and lead almost a completely normal life outside of the doctor appointments and daily medication. However, I have EXTREME anxiety, fear and sadness from this diagnosis. I don't have an extremely clear idea of the challenges I may or may not have to face as I get older and I cannot bring myself to ask because I'm terrified of the answers. I know that I should be positive and that by choosing to stay in the dark I'm choosing fear.

My parents and closest friend know that something's up. I hardly ever find the motivation to leave my apartment and see my friends and my parents know that I sleep away pretty much every day because they wake me up when they call at 2pm.

My problem is that I cannot for the life of me just vocalize why. I have so much pent up inside of me I feel like once I start, this whole flood of issues and tears are going to come out and I want more than anything to not do that. I saw a school counselor the other day and 1) I could hardly talk about ANYTHING (not even my darkest fears and sadness) without a quivering voice and on the verge of tears and 2) couldn't even make myself be honest with her (an objective, confidential, non-judgmental stranger)

I have a loving, supportive family and friends and I know I need their help. HOW do I make myself get over it and just open up? Does anyone know of any method that's helped them?

I would appreciate it so much. My mom just flew halfway across the country to see me and try to help and she leaves the day after tomorrow and I have yet to open up to her and know that I need to.

Thanks so much.

Welcome to Healing Well and the Depression Forum.

“Only Thing We Have to Fear Is Fear Itself”: FDR’s First Inaugural Address
I know this sounds to simple but if you can get past the fear of talking about your illness and your depression you will feel better. Tears are a good thing, let them out. Please do not try to hold back and pretend you are fine when on the inside you are feeling so much mental anguish.

I agree with Shy, please make an appointment and see your physician. What is the worse that could happen, you burst in to tears? I have done that so many times I load my purse with tissues to be prepared.

You have joined a great group here in the Depression Forum so consider yourself part of a wonderful, caring family.

thanks, you guys.
even though I know this advice seems simple and I know it myself in one way or another, it just seems different hearing it coming from someone else. It's difficult to take your own advice.
and it helps knowing other people experience the very things that make me feel so alone.
so, thanks. :)
I am seeing my school counselor again on Monday and I'm going to spend the whole time with her on working on sharing my feelings.

Hi Bunny
Please keep us updated on your appt with the counselor...and so that you don't forget anything you could always print out your posts from here and take those with you.
Good Luck

Shy