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(Edit of problem within one,easier to read.).This Is my story

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Posted 12/26/2007 12:00 AM (GMT 0)
    1 . So again im in a semi stronger down mood.Im thinking that,when most people are down if they look into the mirror at least they see them selfs but just in a sad way.When I look in the mirror I dont know who I see.Its sad really because Im not exagerating I really dont know who I see.I see my self but my face shifts dramatically when im down and when I feel good and since I can remember Ive felt down since I was little..My voice has a dramatic change to it if i can say when im normal but I dont really know what me being normal is anymore.While I type this more things come to mind.Me now is a slump over the computer desk but I could lift my head up if I wanted to but slouching is more comfortable maybe this is making it worse so ill sit up.So more of my feelings come to the surface.I know why im like this all my life ive been tought to serve or really its like throwing a baby somewhere and expect it to grow.


 2. So I did, around adults in my family and "higher rank" family members I 96% of the time what they wanted to hear I know I did it because I guess I was trying to teach my self respect.On the outside im not who I am on the inside everytime I did that (Now im calling that degrading my self) I knew i was acting but now that I came to my sense i look back and see the H o rr o r it was and how I got past it all these years.But I didnt care I thought it was ok and overlooked and having this daydreaming thing is the main reason why I got past it.I read somethings about it and said one cause of this disorder is when there isnt any family support on the child,Where was my support,Didnt have any or allready have it so I felt distant?Idk.I do know but its blur.Just now my friend called me I dont know If id like to call him my friend but idk this is one of the guys that has  "bullyed" me around but now that I dont hang out with my old friend inner circle I see the H o rr o r of how I was when I was with them.But again I didnt care.


3. I moved to the valley like 4 years ago from Los angeles and when I met this guy I was like fine ok cool guy but the deeper I became this guys freind the more I started to be like my family me.(flashback)I was only my self when I was being a troll in school all my classes through out the school and with Kids I didnt like or with kids that were "lame" well to me I didnt feel any urge to give them a form of respect I guess.I was only my self when I was "rebelling" if you will,with teachers cops and so on.So this brings me back to that guy so I must of felt some kind of connection with him so I acted like I did with my family but less severe and just mellow.Later on mellow turned into retardation because I started acting like I did with my familly but then I turned on to overdrive I completely spaced out around them total differnt person but I knew it was happening but didnt
care.I Didnt think Again Things come to mind while I type this.These guys are the lamest people ive ever met one or 2 are ok but wow so that never broke ive never fell down into the character I was portraying nor did I ever think like it not even the closest not even a little, Nothing


4. When I was with them they were like my family,when they introduced me to other people I knew .felt got it. like they were ohhhh heyy whos that because I was showing my true side.Its wierd when that happens, I really feel like rays coming from my chest like my heart"s sending messages.Well anyways I didnt care to much for them because strangly I have a sort of sense of who I am and those other kids Ive met didnt really meet my match you can say.Two girls I met for the first time which I have 0 intrest for were eyeing me out before I met them.Back and forth it went on strong vibes bla bla(these girls like boys alot you can say)so it continued I was in the back of a car they knew I was there so they danced around ,one kept lifting up her skirt danced bla bla later they started doing hand stands.disturbing but not really bla bla.Went into a store they were looking  dead at me didnt pay attention but whatever I looked bla kept doing what I was doing then they grew into our inner circle of friends  deeper they got more they lost intrest in deeper deeper but they kind of just looked away not litterally just thought I was disturbed.


5. Thats something that hasnt broken I guess my personality that exsists in my mind around my family and out in the world around other people I dont match with or while im being "rebellious"but only one time that it has happen when I had a peer I was my self with.I met this kid while in my rebellious state but then it turned to me being real with this kid.Because he met me while I was being real so I couldnt turn on to my degrading state so it was cool.I met him in the deans office,go figure


6.  Just Remeberd now that before I moved I had anthor posse of freinds way bigger than this one and not even close to the matching level or "lameness as these new guys.These guys were Cool they were my HoMieS.Then I was semi myself because we were all the same so I connected with them but gave them bits of me also.It helps like that though I started of being like at age 7 or 8 it ranged from 8 to like14 and outer friend on that nieghborhood that went from 14 till like 17 inner groups but toghther one big group.So i was fine then I roamed around all over the place like 9 kids skating all over the city running around in the nieghborhood.


7.  I remeberd not being my self at time there because (A little flash back came to me)When I was like 10 or 9 we were playing foot ball on my freind' daniel's front yard.A kid named george was on me on a "play" but me in my head I was like psh this guy "aint ___"or something like that but never cocky just tryed to make out my possibiltys with fear where it was needed and tryed to make it out be the best.so I got the ball he tackled me but I still scored I hit the floor but extended my arm and got it.Everyone laughed he was like oh little weenie cool But me I was like yeahhhh happy but it was really ,cool no big deal.When I type thoughts come to the surface and just got why I have trouble connecting to people


8. Its being Genuine people catch on to that I had freinds when I was that  but still had freinds when I wasnt just in a differnt way.so ive been working double time.Again but I allready knew This So why dosnt it Come to Effect.I got the answer to that Now, I have alot of ideas Floating around in my head I thought I felt them and knew them but I really Need to listen to them.I dont feel close to my Family Because Im not being Genuine, Im Acting ,How Can An Actor Break Into His Character So Good That When He Crys ,That His 100000000 Foot Dinosaur Dies He Really Feels It.He wont.but if he does he is talented and  would soon break out of it because he knows its not real.So thats why I dont show to much emotion.


9. I have told my dad that all of us have walls we dont let each other in on and Ive helped to panalize mine.Its sad to say that when my sister died I didnt cry histericlly or felt overly dead and depressed I sobed on the bench at funeral home then cryed because I just wanted a hug from someone got some ok nice but perferd a tiny bit of a hug from my mom.Which if I didnt get ok cool but if I did it would be just a tiny bit better but still cool.Knowing that I really love my sister and she loved me and all of us makes it easy her still being her self while she was sick(she had colon cancer)made it easy.


10. Though it was saddning  watching my older sister I looked up to and thought highly of  wieghd down to like 80 pounds walking around sick with a differnt face but never broke her personality till now I dont think thats something that breaks but who knows.She was still her but sick.Now that I think of it I love her so much having her pictures up sometimes makes me smile a little warms me up.But me being in this state pushes things away its like a blur a little that she was on this earth with us sometimes.So I show emotion acting this way but its differnt it like pokes my inner being my true being and leaks some away .More like emotions turn into poisionus gasses that just breeze through because I dont care about them or build up a tolerance for them.


11. They just take some of my air so thats how my feelings are.But again I knew this allready but why dont I feel them.Answer.Brings me back to being genuine.By typing this im pulling out my inner thoughts and being what will talking do.I have thoughts I think are nothing but I have to pay attention to them it is here and it is happening to me .Even now im spacing away but its ok.I gotta love my self first.


12. I dont expect anyone to read this I just get carried while typing if you did manage to read my post.Nothing would make me more happy than to make someone els happy or to fill them up with warmth where it counts and just genuine love and happiness.When your feeling down or worthless its strange me saying it but.You are all beutifull human beings that deserve the best in life and should feel it deeply every time you breathe.What the world could be If we all worked together to try to make the best of life.amazing things and this website proves it.even though ive been on here for like 2 days and have had little chat with you people..A mixed up boy typing up his feelings on a computer makes him feel that much better of him self because of other people knowing what its like and trying to help and making an effort to give  each other comfort and compassion,Its so betifull to me its art.


Merry Christmas.To you all and Happy Holidays.BestWishes go out from me To you.

-tony



Posted 12/26/2007 12:20 PM (GMT 0)
Great job Tony!


You know what...when I first found this site 3 years ago,it seemed that I typed pages and pages.
Not really expecting anyone to answer,but so glad that they did with a positive reply.


Sometimes we just need somewhere to feel somewhat normal for awhile. And believe me,we have all been through so much on this site that we understand what you are going through.


Also,have you ever thought about taking some writing classes in college? You have a great way with words and seem to be able to express yourself!
Posted 12/26/2007 2:48 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Tony,
I also used to write pages and pages and pages (infact I still do. My hubby's always laughing when he see's I'm writing a quick reply, as it's never really a quick one.)
It helps too know that you have a place you can pour your heart out too, but also a place where people will respond, and be able too understand you.

I also hope that one day, all will be well, and that people will be able too look on my posts and words and hurt, and say look-she made it through this, so can I. From reading other people's words I have figured this out. I have seen how things can change for people and hope that one day, that can happen for me, and for everyone else who is suffering.

I agree with you Shy, about Tony taking writing classes. Tony, your words were very moving and capturing. Your story is a sad one, but is written so deeply.

I hope you find comfort on this site, as much as we find it.

All the merriest christmas wishes and hope this new year is the best.
Gem

Posted 12/26/2007 5:30 PM (GMT 0)
Have you ever thought about acting? With all the different faces that you feel you need to put on, it sounds like acting would be right down your ally.
I will post more later, I am still trying to finish reading your post.
I wish you well.
hugs
getting by
Posted 12/26/2007 7:02 PM (GMT 0)
Great job You......
I can really relate when you lay it out like this Tony

Thanks for doing so

LYN
Posted 12/27/2007 11:57 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you all for you nice comments.I wrote poetry to a girl I was not so nice for a time she was into it alot so I went ahead and did it.She laughed but liked it so I wrote more and got into it a little for a while its and ok thing to do but I dont think Id like taking it in college.If I did get there.I would hate acting,maybe farther down the line when I feel like myself but as for now I would hate it.And for my story being capturing thanks gem I guess I was just making sense of what I think.

As for the girl I used to write poetry too.I wasnt nessarilly* mean to her I just wasnt into her as much as liked me.She annoyed me most of the time but ok I liked her a little but just kept walking you could say.So after a long time she was sad because she thought I didnt like her but I knew I did so.So I went with what felt right so I sat next to her "metaphorically.She was happy and so was I.So I sort of gave in and just went with it.I ended up liking her alot.Loved if you will.(I dont think I know what that type of love is yet but thats A longer train of thought I have no biggie but its there)She felt the same so since 8th grade we were more than freinds.I liked her more than my family in A wierd way and I cared about her alot.She was the same.After a while I started to get out of my trance and asked my self why I was with this girl I dont like her completely so I started looking out to where I was but liked her to much to do anything.So sometimes I was like nuetrual and that changed things everynow and then.So went on harder and harder I just wanted out but not really so it was very confusing.Even now that I really dont like her I could say that she is very sweet caring nice thoughtfull and just warm.So it was hard she was like an escape but Sometimes what I was escaping.Then felt horrible about it so that made anthor hole but then I just went back.

She was crushed that I was like that because I was her everything same as me aswelll.She had things messing with her also.Not parents grounding her or whatever just like her entire family her moms side and her dads.You could say we were both oppressed but differnt storys.Then I added to it because her bestfreind was not really there anymore.So she was so sad that auctally didnt wanna talk to me anymore which was amazing to me btw but what could I do it was messing with me tooooooo much.And it made me feel extremely bad that she was so sad so I went back.who cares about me I thought.I tryed to make her happy so many times even when It took countless longe range trips to her house with....grapes..stuff like that I guess..and im botherd to say I used to hold it in there and Cry full way back.I never felt like that so it was confusing but still didnt matter to me my mission was to make her happy again.So it continued differnt storys all the time but same strong sad feelings I had.

After that no matter what I did which I did alot.She never came back.So we broke away and at school I sat somewhere alone by my self for months because 1.I got sent to that school so I knew people there but not really good freinds.2.Friends That was my crowd there It was still a freindship thing but more of a hey whats up and were more or her freinds.So I left.I was allready like that when I went there but that made it worse to I just went away.Then she became my freind again but not as before.So we walked home sometimes I went to her house sometimes.Didnt work for me because I still like her but she had little intrest for me.And sometimes it felt like she wanted me so I was like nooooo but then rememberd this was what I wanted but then I was like nevermind but still in it.When she didnt make me feel like that I was sad so it was Very confusing.I just wasnt strong enough to let her go I guess.Over that long peroid of time we stopped being friends,I still liked her, she cared about me still but no intrest.That was one of my subjects messing with me but when it was there it was there.

Then she started to loose all intrest in me so I got sadder and more sense of hopelessness through those times I couldnt eat,sleep,thru up,felt sick,to much thinking or did anything I liked.I was depressed but not how I feel now.So I tryed again but she was gone for sure so its like she forgot what we were and started really not liking me when I was trying to make her happier or make her like me again.Last thing I did was lied I had something from along time ago in My backpack and was going to adult school and thought id drop it off.I made some turtle thing.drew on it,I Am An artist.Well to me.I took my time on it.Then a More meaningfull poem more than ive ever written I added.She didnt open the door.I knocked then saw her peek out the door.Made me sad.So I left but then saw her nieghborh and I gave it to her.(flashback)That was the second last thing i did.

She told me to stop everything but thats how she is so I stopped because she wanted to but had something left.
I left the last thing that I thought would make her see me as me again not asking for anything but that.So I left it infront of her door.She wasnt there but her dad and stepmom arrived at there house.I left a box there it was a scavenger hunt I made for her all the things that made her incredibly happy were in there alot of pieces of me you could say.Just everything she would go crazy to see how much thought I put into it but noo.Evrything in there was perfect I think but her parents found it.(They didnt like me alot).There was like a beenie babie sort of thing and it had something on its head.Yes I knew it would be inapropriate, but we're teenagers I didnt think her parents would see it.It was she the whole box that was hilarious nice .ect....So her parents freaked out on it,Didnt like that her 15yr old daughter had someone that close and that it was her "bf".So they yelled at her and Hated me officially she called me hated me officially and thought the box was nothing and the dumbest thing ive ever done and 'cursed' me out for a while I wasnt used to that to then I just gave up,she hated me.

So I just went away but it was still there just somewhere else.So I stayed at that school then she started being like she was when I Hated her and thought she was annoying and thats why I didnt like her to much.Then she completely went into her character she started doing all this stuff it was very sad to me and it Sucked.Then was into other guys and I hated her for being so dumb but because I liked her still and all of that messed with me more because it was like I was freshly starting to get over her.I still didnt eat or sleep much I was just sad but didnt have anything to do with her.So it went on and faded.Then one day was I with my "freind"I went with just to be normal then we went to meet up with some other crowd.I was completely out of it.Tired and alll ect..There was a conversation going on but I just stood there nothing really awake and some guy that was there was like ooohhh yeah blablablablalbla and me When I heard it I was like whhhhaaatttttt and everything just came down.They looked at me like what whats his deal then my "freind blabed after I told him not to said I was her ex bf and were like ohhh well yeah it figures.Because she was acting so dumb that they were like hes her ex then look at me and saw this like cadaber of a kid dead not sign of liveliness.

Yes I was mad but I was sad then I just walked home freezing cold with racing thoughts felt really just nothing.I was mad at the problem and mad inside of how this happend to those guys looking at me and talking to me like that and just everything.So that like smacked me and said what are you so sad about your sad over this dumb girl you didnt like in the first place.This is how she is.She was differnt when she was with you not the other way around.And it is true so I got A little stronger but still mad/sad.Went on and everytime I got a little better I always got a call from her then found out because her little infatuation were gone so she came to me.I thought that was so sick but yet again I was mad but like eh whatever made me happy a bit when I started being more lively and freindly.She left.She found anthor.Then i was not sad but a little bother and down that she would.Then it happend again I was more mad this time but ashamed I did and ignored it but less giving this time but then I just wanted some1 around so talked more then she started fading away because of anthor one she was pursing,So she left.I was sad this time that I let my self and that and everything again and because it got to me.After A while it happend again he left so there was that phone call.I picked because I knew it wasnt like oh he left so im gunna call tony it was more of like she was lonly and wanted to call me.

So I picked up said stuff then hung up.I talked to her on myspace again and told her everything.She didnt like it but I could careless.Just brushed it off and said.Ttyl.Yeah right Like Id ever do that again.This ended like 2 or 3 months ago.After my walk home on that day I lost whatever I felt but then after it was more of a tiny flare that went on and off.When I think about it could make me mad at how I did all of this went through for what.Like this dumb girl deserves anything from me and never did.Me being who I am I was helping.And those guys that were Id like to see what would happen If they saw me again.You could put all those guys together into one give them super powers and do whatever I would never look down to those ijfljdkljadl.That bothers me not because of her but because they insulted me directly in a billion ways like id ever take anything from them.RRRRR nothing would have made me happier than to pound these guys.All of them but they would surly just ran away and for the one that would stay just ..blaaa its like If I were to fight babies.But I dont care anymore and wouldnt have intrest in to much violence but I might see these guys soon ill just let it be I really dont care nor do I want anything but just the thought of it make me want to smash their face in,if they wanna start something or be funny guys.I dont mean to sound violent but thats the only violence Ive felt the need for during my many states of trances.

This is anthor thing that opened up my depression state.I didnt think it was important but thought I would type it.I didnt feel much or anything typing this so thats good.




Does anyone know if feeling like your daydreaming a symptom of depression or anyone the same?
Most of the time it feels like im distant from my body.Ive felt like this forever but thought I would ask.And if feeling detached from the world a part of your self esteem?.I know it is but not sure why I ask,I am sure but ill ask im guessing. Is too much thinking going on in your head pull you away from reality and make your relationships struggle because you constantly think and are not sort of awake and straight to the point.Im thinking, Yes I know the answer but I dont no why I ask.As I type I know Im here but the more I go into thought the farther and bluryer the keys look.
Anthor one.So depression brings insecuritys and being insecure makes more sort of secure people feel awkward so there are no connections being made .Is that right?yes I believe but not sure.I got some stradegies for this but sometimes it feels better to just be and thats daydreaming.
ill cut down on typing like this.sooory
-tony
Posted 12/27/2007 12:35 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Tony

I will tell you that at 16 you are going to have a few relationships that end,and that is normal.
As far as your daydreaming...I also think that is normal for a 16 year old. You have so many options in your future and it is normal to wonder about them.
But as Lyn says feeling like you are not attached then that is something a doctor needs to know about..

I think that you really need to talk to a doctor,because we can not tell you if you are depressed or not.
It really could be normal things that you are feeling since you have been through so much in your life.
I found the below quiz that you can take,and even print it off to give to the doctor...

www.depression-guide.com/depression-quiz.htm


Keep talking that is the best healing process there is I think..
Posted 12/27/2007 12:38 PM (GMT 0)
HI there
Sounds ike you may have some Dissociative Social Anxiety as well going on but that is only my opinion
Being detached like that from self ...ya know ...

I can relate so well Tony to the person I DONT see when I look in the mirror but to this Person I do see ....and dont want too

Even with weight
I see me a Big and I mean big and at the time I was 88 lbs so I would not eat .....I am getting better my friend and I do hope that the support and caring will help you as much as it has helped me

I feel your heart crying out ..........Mine is crying with you
Take care ....you are so nice a person ................

LYN
Posted 12/27/2007 4:46 PM (GMT 0)
As far as the daydreaming, I use to do it all the time. Sometimes still do, but try really hard to stay in the now. That is so important because life goes by so fast.

I think it is a way of not having to face some of the things that we really feel or are having to deal with at the time.

I asked before if you ever thought of going into acting. I am serious. Some of the best actors have been through what you are going through, trying to put on a different face for different situations. It is something to think about. Are you into art at all? A lot of us get into that to express ourselves in a different way. I just have the feeling that you have some hidden talents.

Good luck to you.

I am still trying to finish reading your posts. I read slow and they are long. Sometimes I am daydreaming when I read and have to read it all over again.

I wish you the best, you have a lot going on.

hugs,

getting by
Posted 12/27/2007 10:02 PM (GMT 0)
I went to the docotr in october did some test and said I had Major depression gave my some trial pills for a week than I was supposed to go back so thy would give me more.It was fluoxitine something like that.I didnt go back though I was supposed to go to anthor doctor.I dont think I feel as hopeless now but I just feel a little under ok ans sometimes ok.about the relationship I had it floating aound that things dont last long but they didnt go to effect.So its when I come down to earth that I realize things and just think.For daydreaming,Its more of not being here Dont really wander off .Hidden talents well yes im into all types of art.But I love graffiti.People hate my kind as long as I dont deface anything its cool,I have my rules.I skateboard sometimes,That used to be my thing.Soccer or inventions expiriements creating things destroying things Riding poket bikes.Dirt bikes intresting fun and adventurous stuff I guess I do alot of things.

I was 14 I wieghg 105 pounds but saw my self as something eles so maybe thats it.I thought it was dissosiative identity disorder but I just really need a doctor.Something I paying attention to now is when I "come" down to earth and see everything clearly I feel a little gush or snap inside my head I could somehow hear it too.Its like moving saliva inside your mouth but is more distant and less loud.Its when I come to my senses that I deal with what I feel things and its Like nothings wrong or its not that bad.A while Ago more things got to me but now I think of it a little and wonder why it would.Reading that most of you have multilple disorders its like there in it to win it.So I look up some.But I allready know I could get over it but sometimes I dont know why I just stop and think about it but Ive been doing that alot latly.
Posted 12/28/2007 12:12 PM (GMT 0)
Hi More
Why didn't you go back? If your doctor is telling you that you are depressed,and gave you meds?

It takes 4-6 weeks for any meds to take full effect.

You need to go back
Posted 12/29/2007 10:31 PM (GMT 0)
I am the 16 of jan.I didnt go back because it wasnt my orginal docotor just one at a clinic.
Posted 12/30/2007 1:24 PM (GMT 0)
Ok then can you reschedule another appt asap?
Posted 12/31/2007 1:08 AM (GMT 0)
I tryed but there full even other doctors soo bummer.
Posted 12/31/2007 12:44 PM (GMT 0)
Ok well at least you still have the appt on the 16th...just hold on and be strong ok?

Also, if you written so much on here,what about printing off your posts and taking those to the doctor?
That way you do not forget to tell them anything?
Posted 12/31/2007 10:07 PM (GMT 0)
yeah thats what im planning on doing so its easier
Posted 1/1/2008 1:03 PM (GMT 0)
More,
You are so smart! I am so glad to see you taking control of your life and getting help.

Keep on staying strong and you will get through this tough time in your life.
Posted 1/1/2008 3:22 PM (GMT 0)
More,

We will all be here for you while you are waiting for your appointment and after. So keep us posted.

HUgs

Karen
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