Please, let there be somebody out there who understands this...............

Hi.  I feel really guilty and stupid for posting this here now.  So many people out there have posted with tangible and real problems and I don't know where I should go with this. 

My grad. course is ending tomorrow and I have been truly stuggling with my major depression and now being real anxious.  It has been hard for me to focus and study...I don't want to flunk but I can't seem to make myself do it.  Time is slipping by, literally and i have so much to do before the deadline to even come close to passing.

I don't want to offend or put anything bad in here so i'm trying to say this right.  WHen I get this down and nervous and can't focus I don't know how to handle it all and I end up hurting myself.  Not much but a little to feel better.  And yes, this does sound insane.  However, nothing seems to work to make this feeling stop.  Please help me make this feeling go away.  I just nee dto focus and I'm  trying to stop this feeling.

Again, I'm sorry.  I just feel so alone all the time and I really wish these feelings would go away.

Cass

Hi vet.  I am on three medications for major depression, anxiety and insomnia (i.e. Cymbalta, Lamictal and Trazadone).  My therapist and I talked about this last week and she said not to do this...that I need to think about my daughters and how they would feel, etc.  I am stressed, and I am nervous.  And I am scared.  What a crazy post I wrote.  I'll try the background music.  I just don't know what else to do with all these feelings.  I want to talk to my ther. now but I don't want to have her upset with me for calling and don't know what she would say anyway.

I'm sorry.  I'm venting gibberish.  I;ll get music and just try to focus.   Thank you for your kind reply.

Cass

Cass,

Please do not feel guilty. That only makes it worse.

I have never shared this on here, but I know exactly what you are talking about. I struggle the same as you. It doesnt sound insane to me. I know what the stress is like with having to do work. I know what you are going through. I did it for a few months....but it became a habit...an addiction. I dont want you to go through that. I stopped on my own. Because I knew what I was doing was wrong. It is your fault. You just dont know how else to cope. And that is ok. For me, I tried the music and it helped. But, of course, the urge is still there. Its hard being under so much stress not knowing how to cope. But, you need a new way. I started painting. Painting helped me get away from the urge. I also write. I just get some paper and a pen and write down all of my feelings.

Try writing your feelings down or saying them out loud to yourself. Say why you feel the way you do. Give it some time. Do something to occupy yourself. Whenever I felt the urge, I would go write, paint, get something to drink, sit and try to meditate, anything relaxing to get you away from it. You have to find an alternative.

I finally said one night....I quit....I am not doing it anymore no matter what....it went one week and I was so proud I wanted to keep going....it only lasted 11 weeks before I did it again, but I have not done it since then....and I am VERY proud!!! You just have to learn to cope in a different healthier way!

If you feel like you need to talk to your therapist, call her. Thats what she is there for. She would rather talk to you than have you hurt yourself. You are strong and you can get through this, I know it! We are all here for you! And keep posting. Dont be afraid, and it is nothing to be ashamed of. We will help if possible, and we will support you! Post whenever you need to. Please let us know what happens.

Take Care of Yourself

Thank you Getting By and Tennis: As you know, the other night was extremely difficult for me and I know that there will still be many more challenging ones. I never finished my work and didn't pass my class--but I felt a lot better reading your posts and knowing that maybe I wasn't quite as alone as I thought.

Tennis, I appreciate your sharing. I know how hard that is to do and I respect you for that. You are very wise for your years. And Getting By - thanks for hanging around for me. My therapist did not get the message until early the next morning (due to no cell phone signal), but she called me right away and we were able to talk. I am glad that you encouraged me to do that.

Thank you both for making a very bad night just a little bit easier.
Cass

Hi there Cass,

I just read your note. How did the exam go? graduate school and doctoral finals were horribly anxious times for me, too. But you can get through them. What are you studying?

Joseph

You are not alone in doing this. My family doc is so mad at me for it and it can be dangerous, risk of serious infection, but I totally understand. He warned me about cellulitis, where the infection isn't on the surface where it can treated quite easily, but instead, it is deep inside the tissue. Maybe that will make you reconsider what you are doing, no matter how "slight." There are many, many reasons that we self-injure. Sometimes it's because the pain is so great inside that cutting is like putting it on the outside, letting it go. My friend used to do it when she was really dissociated and unable to get herself back to reality. I've done it for many reasons, but mostly when I'm angry with myself for having done something that has made me feel stupid and embarrassed. I'm told this works, but honestly I haven't tried it: hold an icecube until it hurts; it's safer but has the same effect apparently. Or, dig your fingernails into the palm of your hand.
Im so glad you had the courage to tell us. Shame won't help you get beyond this. Getting help, feeling better will. Why don't I stop? I will, when I feel better. Maybe last week was the last time. I'm not sure. I also know that sometimes I think about it and know that I don't need to do it and so I don't. You sound like you really want to stop and you can. You've already made the first steps. Take heart.
Blessing Waters