My favorite day of the year?

Hi everyone~
Just really down today, tired of seeing all these "lovey-dovey" commercials about giving jewelry to someone on Valentine's Day. I do ok until I think about Valentine's day and all that I held in my hands but let slip through like they didnt even mean anything. THEY DID!!!!!! When I think of Valentine's day and the wonder of it I remember funny {setting our bedroom on fire and putting out some of the flames in the freezing snow! Or my favorite which I continuely play in my head, the proposal that surprised me and and made me feel like I was floating. I still think of the way he was checking his pockets of his coat to make sure it was still there, here I thought he was just skirming around like he sometimes did, the way he came over to me and kneeled down and said I want you to be my valentine for the rest of our lives. I still remember the excitement and love for this man who was going to be my husband, now he will probably be some other person's.

There are no words to describe how I feel when I think about this day and how I wish it was over once again.

It is funny because Valentine's day was always happy for me and I was single many of them, I loved it because it represents Angels, hearts, and the colors that represent the day that for me reminds me to love those who love me.

This Valentine's day will go by with tears and a day alone without seeing the beauty of a day that was always important to me.

I am sure to b fighting depression rather hard that day.

Gettingby~
Wow this is where it gets hard for alot of people to understand the love and life that not many people ever experience. I agree with you that Valentine's day is a day that has lost that reason it is celebrated. As I said before, loving Valentines day was never about having someone in my life because most of them I was alone, it was just a day when I ensured people that love me were shown how loved they were. I understand how commercial it is to some people but I guess I just looked at it as a day to stop the haste of a day to say I love you. I still give Valentines to my children, it is a special day for me.

So I guess it is not the day that gets me down, it is the wonderful memories that I had hoped I would be sharing with my husband so many years later as we would have celebrated it, sitting old and gray on a porch swing remembering every emotion that we felt that night.

The thing is........it was always like Valentine's day with him. That is why I am devasted on this day and every other day. For the first time in my life I really feel I will never again see his face or kiss his lips. Or see that funny face he makes when I wont stop looking at him.

These last couple of days have been a nightmare and I long to see him just one more time. I keep thinking to myself that he is over me, really over me and that I am just a memory in a book that has been closed and will be forgotten. I wonder if he ever thinks of me or comes by the house. I dont think so, I still wait for him to knock on the door.

He and I were one of a kind, the kind that people would look at us and think we were celebrating something because of the way we were together. GOD......I would give anything to have him in my life again and this time, I am healthy and I understand my past actions

I am so depressed and I sit here and look out the window. All I do is cry. I know it is grieving but it hurts so bad.

I wish that I could wish him a happy valentines day but I know that he has another valentine now and it kills me to know that.

I would wish everyone a happy valentines day but I cant seem to find the strength to say it.

I also saw a preview for a movie. I have always said that signs are everywhere, good and bad. Anyway, this movie has a couple songs that will forever touch me in a way only he can know and still has alot of meaning to me and to him. Hopefully he will have noticed this as well. The movie is "step up 2" I just thought it was really ironic that it comes out on a day when I really need my faith. Could be silly to some but not to me.

Another lonely night, I pray every night for a miracle

Karen~
Thanks so much for your post. How true it is.



I dont think anyone will ever understand what I had with this man and the way I still feel about him when I see him. I get the butterflies in the stomach and all giddy...........................still after all this time, that is miracle of God! I have never felt the way I do when he is with me and happy.



And you are right, not many people will ever experience what we had and in my mind will always be the reason he was brought into my life. I love him so much I wish I could take the pain away but only being with him will do.



You know I guess it is this genuine love t hat I keep for this man that no other man has ever been in my life that I feel will some day some way bring this once in a lifetime love together again.



I cherish everything about our life, I was just an idiot that didnt know how to love him right.

Teresa - I am willing to bet he thinks of you, too, around this time of year. He proposed, he has to have memory of that day.

I am curious, though, have you told him how you still feel about him? You don't say how long it has been since you parted ways, but time has a way of healing things and perhaps the two of you could sit down and talk now that the emotions of what happened aren't as raw. Hey, you never know until you try, and perhaps he has been wanting to talk with you, too, but hasn't had the nerve.

Teresa,

There is a saying that 'time heals all wounds'.  Hopefully for you and him.  You can never tell what changes will happen in life.  I lost my husband 7 years ago to cancer.  I thought that I would never love again.  But here seven years later, I got married.  So there could be another just around the corner.  Or as I said about time, it my heal his wounds too.  So you never know.

Just wanted to say that the day is almost gone and it has been another sad day. Ny hopes and faith are being tested today.


I am so sad and my eyes are puffy and I can barely see to type. Just didnt know what to do right now, just want a miracle.



Pray for me please I am having such negative thoughts.

Thanks so much shy. It is about 730pm and the evening is about done. No visitors or happy valentines day for me. I prayed all day for the chance to just see him today, thats all I want but I guess his this day like an anniversary is not worth anything. I cant believe that I have sat here this evening waiting and watching for him, I mean literally watched out the window for him. I just cant believe that he doesnt want to at least see me, I realize that the emotions are high when he sees me but unlike him, I yearn to see him, I dont think anyone in this world loves someone like I do this man and how sorry I am truly sorry!!!!!!!! I knew something was wrong between us the last time we were togethet because I could not do for him what I used to do, all i want is him.

I dont know what else to say but I love someone that I will never get over him like he has gotten over me, I will live a million years and never stop loving him. I am sorry I am rambling but I am so sad right now that I could die. Im going to celebrate this day with my Meiers Pink catawba.

So much for love and faith, right?

I wish you guys could understand how I feel and how very sorry I am that we are not together. To make things worse tonight, I found the rose petals and well....other things I had purchased for Valentines day.

I always leave my door open for him and the outside light on but maybe I should not anticipate him ever coming back, I cant even think about it right now.



I really need your prayers tonight because my miracle didnt happen, what else is new?

Teresa

After all that I went through with my past, I did not think I would ever be able to be with someone,and actually fall in love with him.

But, I did and it came along when I least expected it..and it is funny because when I think of the other person,I realize that he does not even compare one bit to my b/f.

I thought I would never get over the past,but it happened slowly but surely.

I know you are hurting right now,but I really think you need to try to find a way to move on. To meet someone new..you can't do that if you are waiting around for him to stop by.

That is not fair to you...he has moved on so why should you have to stay hidden from the world. I know that you have alot to offer,and there is someone out there that would love to be with you..

Sometimes we just have to take a chance and see what happens.

Its funny, I used to be really bothered about Valentines Day, having never been anything other than single, but now I just see it as another commercial holiday (As I think someone else mentioned). My theory is that if you cant be loving to your partner all year round, then whats the point of a 'holiday' where you put on false effort? Maybe im just skeptical

Darren

I agree with Karen, Teresa give yourself a chance...it is not fair that you are the one still hurting and hiding out.

You have so much to give,and there is someone out there that deserves it and would love you.

Don't hide out anymore

Teresa

I wish there was a magic pill,but there isn't ...and all we can do is try to be there for each other!

Babytiger~
Thanks so much for your thoughts, you seem to understand exactly what I mean. It hurts so bad doesn"t it? Some people dont understand that along with the strong possibility of never having someone you love in your life again, you also deal with the fact that you could have prevented what happened between the two of you. It is sort of like a double-edged sword. You can know in your heart that you are finally secure in the fact that you do deserve someone that you love and it WILL BE THE TRUTH that finally brings it all together.

I went to see my doctor today and we talked about my depression and personality disorder. He stated that in his notes my counselor had documented that she has a positive outlook on what my goals are and the intensity of my honor to fight all the negative attributes that my depression has darkened me with including and mostly the PD. This made me feel as if finally someone could see that Im working on changing the things in my life for good. And because her notes were so positive and that he felt that I was being honest in therapy, I dont have to go back until May!!!

He said keep up the good work and remember that I am grieving the events in my life. Use it as a positive to push upward!! Believe me, I started to cry because I have already come a long way from October. For this I am so proud of myself.

Hi Teresa,

We are all so proud of you too.  You have been working so hard and it shows in your posts. 

Mochiah is right, you do have a gift of words.  You seem to make everything so interesting to read.  You are very wise and you have a subtle way of entering so much emotion into everything you write.

Keep up the wonderful work. 

luv and hugs,

Karen