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Posted 3/16/2008 5:46 PM (GMT 0)
I found this on another site and thought It would be helpful for people to read, even if for the purpose of understanding themselves better.

I hope it does not step over the bounds of being offensive, if so I understand your purpose for deleting/editing if need be.

Let me help you try to understand a little about me so you can be more comfortable with me....

Whether my incest was an isolated experience or a constant childhood experience, or whether my sexual assault, molestation or rape has made me a victim....the betrayal, the emotional damage, the feelings, the memories, the flashbacks that upset me, and the thoughts that haunt me are similar to all of thos who have been victimized and who are now working hard to be survivors and "victims no more".

Deep inside I have felt different from others....no good...dirty...the lowest of lowest....with guilty feelings that will not quit...afraid to trust....a hole in the gut that is so deep it is bottomless....terrified of going crazy and being locked up or being thrown away...a feeling of total degredation..."another loss, never a winner",...alcohol, drugs, gambling, food, sex temptations to numb the pain...always the pain so close to the surface...what can I find to stop the hurt, to stop thinking and feeling for a little while...the depression....the inability to function, to use my brains and talents...like being under water...drowning...knowing that I should move my arms and feet to reach the surface, to breath again....but still motionless, unable to do what I need to do...I need help....I want help....make things stop spinning.

Wanting love, acceptance, affection, attention, approval, and that was all I wanted back then...feeling abandoned...no one to run to...no place is safe...no place to hide...always that little child inside this adult body...a child crying, terrified, calling for help,...many do not believe me. The waiting in terror in the night....night after night...day after day fearing I will be pursued again...trying to numb myself....trying to forget and pretend it never happened....I can't take anymore...I forget for a while...I push it all down, down, down, BURIED...but I am so small, so defenseless, so trapped. What if someone else puts pressure on me? Will I become little and helpless again and just let it happen like before? I must have been bad for this to happen to me..I promised I would never tell...I'll try harder to be good...why do they say I lie? Why do they lie??

Feeling guilty because I like and crave the attention, the touching,......my body not knowing who it comes from, just feeling. My mind is full of fear and terror. I do not understand...I am confused. I'm in my teens, and it goes on. I tell someone and it gets worse...they treat me funny....why doesn't someone stop it? Why do I have to suffer when he goes on without the chaos he created for me and maybe for others? Why do victims suffer longer and more than the initiators? It isn't fair.....it just isn't fair...now I have no home...no family...no one to take care of me and love me as I grow up...now I am totally alone...the law doesn't even care enough to help me....I can not go on alone...I am still the helpless little girl that got used...yes I am older now, but I have not grown up....that was taken from me along with my innocence...people just don't know what innocence is and how important it is to little kids and how screwed up little kids can be for life when this innocence and trust is taken and they are used by minds that entrap them with cunning and affection and pretend so they can be used by these sick, sick, people. Will I ever be grown up and strong and happy and safe and loved without being set up and used again and again by those who prey on my weakness and need?

Does it matter to anyone if I heal? Is it more important that the security of my mother/stepmother/father/stepfather/sisters and brothers is not threatened by my breaking the silence? They do not want to face the truth because it will hurt them...he may go to jail or prison for what he did to me and all they can think about is how it will affect them, what will they lose, what will they do for money and housing while I bleed from emotional wounds of what was done to me...and they do not care that I am wounded...they care only for themselves and they turn their backs on me and try not to feel guilty,,,,then they get angry AT me for what is happening...is that fair? Is anything fair for the victim? Where do I go from here with my life? What lies ahead for me besides the confusion and the pain? Will anyone help me? I NEED HELP!!!!!

My fears, bitterness, terror, rage....it is so deep...the resentments go over years and years....oh, God, I want to be free!! I want to be well! I want a happy life for me! Now I need to find others like me....only they will understand...is there a sisterhood of victims? Where are they? I need them!! Maybe together we can heal. I need to open my inner doors, to let the light back in, to push all of the hysteria and poison out of my body, mind and soul and to let love in so that I can heal and be well.

I need to place all of the responsibility on the initiator and clearly see how I have been victimized even if I participated in the activity...because I was innocent and ignorant about sex and was taken advantage of by someone who knew it was wrong and yet chose to use me with cunning or force.

I want to become a survivor...no longer a victim...to heal the invisible wounds...so that my whole life will not be affected by what has happened in my past. I want to regain faith in the superior force and use the strength of my faith to help me heal.

I want your love and encouragement to go through this very difficult period of my life. Help me believe in myself and that it will get better for me, and that I can do this....that I can survive! Just be with me with caring and love and warmth....I must do the rest myself.

I hope that this may help you understand me, and where I am right now. Thanks for listening.

Author Unknown (A survivor)

 

Posted 3/16/2008 6:48 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Pressing,

I truly hope that this person can get the help that they need. It is very sad to read what she went through.

Thanks for posting, this will help a lot of people to know that they are not alone.

hugs, Karen
Posted 3/16/2008 7:28 PM (GMT 0)
Your welcome.
I don't know who the person is or how recent this letter is.
Just thought it may help some people who are not able to verbalize their feelings to understand some of what they feel.

Hugs to you too Karen :)
Pressing
Posted 3/16/2008 8:55 PM (GMT 0)
Wow. you know so many of us live day after day not letting anyone in to let them now how we feel.

Some are afraid of not being understood or like me I have let people into my world and brought down my walls only to be hurt and having to put those walls back up.

Pressing you did a good thing by putting that on here. Hopefully it will help someone.

Roni
Posted 3/20/2008 5:35 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks Roni,
I just thought it was interesting and may reveal to people that they are not the only ones who feel the way they do. Sometimes we have a hard time expressing how we feel, especially if we were never allowed to express our feelings as a child.

Pressing
Posted 3/20/2008 1:26 PM (GMT 0)
Not being able to express feelings as a child does stay with us. I use to keep everything so bottled up and then I would explode. Now I just let it roll off of my back so to speak. I don't know if that is coping or ignoring, but things don't bother me like they use to. Maybe it is my age and I figure life is too short to dwell on things. But it is nice to know that you aren't the only one going through things like this.

Roni, I use to put up the walls, still kind of do, but I found out that when I don't trust people it makes me paranoid. So I let myself be naive and hurt once in a while to keep the paranoia away I guess. Sometimes we just have to let some things out. That is why I love this forum so much.

I wish you both a wonderful day.
hugs, Karen
Posted 3/20/2008 3:04 PM (GMT 0)
One of my problems is not letting things bother me; not really dealing with the emotions at all, just letting things slide, like I had to do my whole life. As a child we did not cry infront of each other, my step-dad would always say, do you want to give me a dance with that song, or just criticize us. Everything was down played as unimportant or weak, so we just didn't do it, unless alone in out room.

There was no emphathizing what so ever in my house. Excpet for my mom, she expressed her emotions all she wanted about the abuse my dad was putting her through, our feelings didn't matter, I think I spent more time consoling her because I felt so bad seeing her that way, that I never thought about my feelings nor she.

The problem is it taught us to squelch all emotion. I find it hard to this day to express much emotion at all. In a way it has been good because I really don't get flustered by things to easily and I am very patient, but then its also bad because when there are times that I should really be expressing emotion I don't. I keep it all in, which is probably one of the reasons I am dealing with depression at this point in my life.

Presssing
Posted 3/20/2008 3:11 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Pressing,

It is so hard when we are growing up and told to 'put up or shut up'. My mom was the same way, everything had to revolve around her and her moodiness. I had to walk on egg shells most of the time. Don't upset mom...

I truly understand.

Luv and hugs, Karen
Posted 3/20/2008 11:21 PM (GMT 0)
I am just starting to see all the stuff I went through growing up. I guess I just mentally blocked it all out or lived in denial.

I pretty much put on the strong fasad for so long, now that I am in counseling, I feel like I am becoming this weak vulnerable individual and I don't like feeling that way at all. I always like to be in control so it scares me. I don't want to become this needy individual having to depend others, I have never had to do that, I usually figured it all out by myself. Lots of emotions rolling through my brain at this point.

Pressing

Reason for edit:

 

I have changed one of the words in your post since we are not allowed to use explicit language on HW and it is not a word the filter picks up. Darren

Post Edited By Moderator (djdaz_1985) : 3/21/2008 5:42:40 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 3/23/2008 3:09 AM (GMT 0)
Sorry you had to edit Darren.
I will do my best to try to keep it appropriate:)
Pressing
Posted 3/23/2008 1:56 PM (GMT 0)
No worries... I know you wouldnt have done it on purpose. Its one of those quirky words that the filter doesnt catch for some reason.

Posted 3/25/2008 2:47 AM (GMT 0)
So "stinks" would have done the trick... right...lol
Pressing
Posted 3/25/2008 10:02 PM (GMT 0)
Wow. I was reading that thinking "wow someone actually understands exactly how I feel"... I have been struggling so much with this and was going to go to the school counselor today, but she left before I had the chance. I am like you guys were, we dont express our feelings in my house. Its all about my mom. So I can relate. The problem is, I have no idea how to tell my counselor. How do you tell someone that you were... umm... raped. Sorry, that is really hard for me to say. I am having huge issues with it. Somewhat like I am in denial because I know what happened, but my mind wont process it and just let it stand for what it was. I'm having a hard time thinking of it in that way... I've never gotten to express my feelings out loud so its really hard for me to talk to her, but I know that I really need to if I am ever going to be able to get over it and accept it....

Thanks for posting this. It was really indepth...
Posted 3/25/2008 10:56 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Tennis,

Just popping in to say that it is nice to see you posting on the forum.

I hope that you are doing well. Have a wonderful evening and take care.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 3/26/2008 12:33 AM (GMT 0)
Tennis

I totally understand. I am still not totally trusting of my counselor, she knows its not her. One of my abusers was so good at treating me really wonderful before he ended up hurting me, so in my mind though I know that thinking is overgeneralized It makes it hard to trust people. It has however been getting a little better and I am beginning to feel a little more comfortable.

I was not able to share with her at first, the memories were too scary, so what she had me do was journal it, then read it to her, I found that easier to get it out. Not that I didn't get shaky and start to cry when reading it. I actually grabbed my coat and covered up with it because I got extremely cold too. Its strange how the body reacts to these things.
Perhaps you can have your counselor read something that you write if you have a hard time doing it. I can assure you , you will begin to feel better letting it out. Its as if a weight drops off you.

My home was a home of many secrets and we were never allowed to talk about them. This sounds similar to your situation. I told my counselor that I feel like I am ratting my parents out, she said don't worry, I won't be calling your parents up:) Really, its hard to let it out when you grew up in a home like that, you feel like you are doing something really bad but your not and its finally ok to do it.

I know its so painful to do, but your not to blame and you have the freedom to finally release this secret.
Please tell me how it goes. I will be thinking of you.
Pressing
Posted 3/26/2008 2:29 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks, that really helped. And you are so totally right. I have never been really trusting of people. I used to be, I just get further and further away from it. I dont easily trust people ever, most people around me know it also. I dont ever express my feelings, never have. And a fear of mine is crying in front of people. I think I may have once, but other than that, I have never cried in front of people. Which is ironic considering how much I cry...

I first started going to my counselor after I wrote her a letter explaining my first panic attack. She hasnt really taken me all that seriously, or I havent felt like she has... so its hard for me to talk to her about things. I get scared and shaky, and cold, and lose my voice so... that makes it just a bit harder!

But, Im trying... I will let you all know if I finally talk to her. Thanks for the support.
Posted 3/26/2008 3:23 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Tennis

I too don't cry infront of people. That is why its so hard to get it out in my counseling sessions. Sometimes I start to a little when the subject is painful, then I just shut down. Can't explain it. My counselor says she is going to bring in some relaxing music to play during the session to see if that helps me to relax some. She says sometimes we can't cry because we are so tense, in a sense holding it in. Crying is actually cleansing to the body. I'd love to have a good cry but its been a long time. I use to cry in my room when I was younger.

about thinking your counselor doesn't take you serious, I can relate to that. I thought mine was getting frsutrating withme because I was not showing my emotions in the session. I mean some people go and cry the whole time. God I wish I could at times but it hasn't happned yet. I finally told my counselor that there is nothing wrong with her, I just have a hard time crying in front of people and she knew it was because I was not that trusting at that point and totally understood. So you may be reading into something that is not quite true.
However, if you find after so many sessions that you are not clicking with your counselor, I would suggest finding a new one. They would totally understand if you felt that way, they know some people just don't click whether its personality or whatever.

Just do the best you can, they won't rush you, she could be waiting for you to be more trusting before she delves more.
I really would love it if you would finally let that secret out with her. I know it would make a huge difference for you to get that off your chest.

I will make a deal with you:)
I remember this incident that I have never told my counselor as of yet. Something that really discusts me and that I am quite ashamed of.
I will share it with you since you shared something that was hard for you.
When I was about 7 my older brother had sexually abused me, he was about 9 at the time. I remember being confused and scared. He told me to be quite so my mom would not hear. He put his hand over my mouth so that I would not make noise. I was scared and let him do his thing. I have yet to tell my counselor that one because its discusting to me, not that all the other abuse I suffered was not. But there is something about my older brother doing it that makes me feel more dirty.

If you can grapple up the courage to tell your counselor, I will also grapple up the courage to share this incident with my counselor.
We can do it together!

I see mine again next tuesday. I will keep you posted.
Remember you don't have to do it if your not comfortable but I want you to know its totally normal to feel uncomfortable.

Perhaps you can share a little more of your story here to prepare you to share it with your counselor. Or you can click on my name and send me a private email with your story if it makes it easier and you want more privacy.

I cant believe I just put that incident out there.
Pressing
Posted 3/27/2008 12:45 AM (GMT 0)
Wow. That was very courageous of you. I understand what you mean. I was about 10-11...(cant remember) but he was actually 6 months younger than I was. And to be honest, I have always been the smarter of the two so I have always felt like I should have taken responsibility. He and I had been best friends since we were born, so in a way, he was like my brother. We had always been together, always.

So, that does add on to it, I believe. I totally understand. I mean, imagine in my case...it would be like my little brother... wow, that seriously creeps me out even more. When I talked to a woman about it last week I told her this, and she said age didnt matter, no always means no. So, that made me feel better.

But, mine didnt go down like yours did. He asked me to do stuff and I, of course, said no way. Well, he kept on and on pressuring me into it eventually. So, he didnt physically force me. And I dont think he ever would have hurt me. But, after being pressured, I caved and I was so scared I didnt know what to do so... I never told anyone. But, it actually happened repeatedly for a while... I think then I didnt know what it meant so to speak. I knew of course, but I mean now I can obviously see he used me to get what he wanted... DUH!!! But... I mean as a kid I didnt think of that so...

Its just something that I finally got away from and totally changed. I freaked out and thats actually when I started doing better in school because in my mind I thought I had to be perfect and do no wrong to erase what had happened. Ever since then school has been most important to me, making something of myself has been everything to me. Although, no one knows the real reason as to how it really started... Of course, it did inspire me... I have always wanted to help people, no matter what I do, it WILL involve helping people.

So, even though it was such a horrible thing, some good came out of it. Although, the thing with my grades and school. Its affecting me more now than ever. Ever since I have tried massively hard in school and always applied myself. I have to have perfect grades and everything. Now that I am taking such hard classes I am way over-stressed about everything. Similar to right now, I registered for my senior classes today! I want my senior year to be easy, however, I want to do all the hard stuff!!! I put way to much stress and pressure on myself and I know it. (plus I hear it form 20 people a day!)....

So, anyways, what happened has had a larger affect on my life than I had ever thought it would. I always thought I would push it out of my mind and replace it with all this good I have done. I never thought I would ever bring it up again... "boy, was I wrong"!
Posted 3/27/2008 12:58 AM (GMT 0)
Pressing

I know that we understand each other...you are so strong,and I know that you are going to be able to get down this road...UGH

It is one of the hardest things that you can do is type out your story...I know where you are now,I was there and believe me,after being able to talk about you will be amazed on how much better you feel in the future...not right away I am sorry to say,but it will happen.
Posted 3/27/2008 2:14 AM (GMT 0)
Tennis

Thank you for sharing, I know its hard but sometimes it just feels good to get it out. I must say it is much easier to do it on a forum like this. What I shared with you is something that I really want to tell my counselor, but I am discusted by it. I am ashamed, ashamed to even tell her. I can't even imagine letting that come out of my mouth but I know I just have to do it, or it will continue to consume me up.

You just have to do it, if not, the cycle will continue, it was something that affected you and until it is dealt with it will continue to affect you in ways you don't even realize. just like mine is me after all these years. It was so strange ...its just snuck up on me...nothing triggered it.

You remind me so much of me when it comes to school. My education became my life, trying to make something of it. Out of 6 children I was the only one who decided to go to college. Long story short....we moved so much growing up that my schooling was affected....then I went through extreme anxiety and was homeschooled for a period, during that time my parents never kept record of anything. So I had no credits...when I was ready to return to school....they wanted to put me back in 9th grade, I was 17 at the time, I said no way.
So I decided to go for my GED....passed it on the first try without ever taking refresher classes.... anything. Needless to say, I was thrilled.

I decided to head to college right after that...got a degree in Christian education....graduated there with a 3.76 GPA.....taught for a couple years and now am back in school to become a registered nurse.....at this point...I am halfway through my second year and presently have a 4.0 GPA.....sad news is.....I was diagnosed with depression a month and a half ago....its pretty much been doing a number on me and my schooling is suffering at this point.....kind of distressing that I will be losing my 4.0 this year.......but I am not backing out.....its pretty much where I derive most of my meaning at this point.....if I werent going I don't know what I'd be doing:) Perhaps thats a bad reason for going but it keeps me motivated so I do it. Plus I really want to help people....so there is a goal behind it.

Your right age makes no difference , if its something that affected you then its something you need to talk about. Perhaps you felt the need to do it to keep the friendship....whichever the case....it deserves some recognition to get beyond it.
I really encourage you to just get it out....even if you have to do it in the form of writing and have it read...or you can read it...thats what I do with my counselor at this point...she even suggested it.

Just continue doing what you are doing...you can do it...but don't do it alone, I am totally learning now that I can't. Your right you can't push it out of your mind...because its always there lurking in the back wating to peak.
Keep posting, sharing , and letting us know how you are doing.
Thinking of you
Pressing
Posted 3/27/2008 2:19 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks Shynsassy,

I know it may spark things for you and I certainly don't mean to do that. I just think alot of times when people have depression anxiety etc....there is a deeper fear within plaguing them, and the diagnosises are just a result...not an end in themself....I am learning that though its hard to share, its best to do so. Maybe do it so much you get tired of it...to the point that it may not hurt as strongly anymore.

So much to learn....doing what I can....and yes some days are worse than others...
Thanks for your words of encouragement.
Pressing
Posted 3/27/2008 4:45 AM (GMT 0)
i liked your statement about you have depression it don't have you!!!!
Posted 3/27/2008 6:35 AM (GMT 0)
Wow... that story made me cry, I hope this person, wherever they are, is doing better now and that putting it into words has helped them find some peace.
Posted 3/27/2008 11:04 AM (GMT 0)
Pressing

Don't worry about me! I can just imagine what type of feelings I sparked in other people when I first found this site. But,after holding it in for so many years I was amazed how much better I felt after getting it out.

Like I said,it won't go away overnight,but it will slowly start to fade.
Posted 3/27/2008 5:26 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks march...I think of it in a sense of not letting it have full control of my life, that this is something I can defeat

Croi, I'm with you...at least she is on her way...talking about it makes a huge difference.

Shy, thanks, because my intention is not to hurt anyone, just needed to get some things out.
Waiting for the fading:) but not always so patiently

Have a great day all
Pressing
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