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Posted 4/3/2008 9:50 PM (GMT 0)
     Hell everyone.  i am Jeff and live in delaware, i am unhappily married with 2 beautiful daughters i am 35.   First of all have to say my spelling sucks  and don't see a spell check so please forgive me.  i am not one to open up and let my feelings out.  My whole life i have had no one to really listen to me.  here is alittle of my past and what is happening now.  If i write a book i am sorry just need to vent so don't worry if you hit the little x at top of page.   I matured early lets say voiced changed in 3rd grade.  Went to a chatolic school and my music teacher thought i was making fun of her singing so she would lock me in the closet 2 days a week during lunch...  Besides that the other kids didn't know why i was moody now and had hair on my chest.  I was made fun of alot.  So in 8th grade i tried to comit suicide.  So after that i had a good grip in life so i thought.   i people at this center i went too were great.   So i got out of there went to high school and was happy  kinda.   I am not the greatest looking man but i promise you that will not get sick if you see me.   So in high school had trouble finding dates.   I always heard  you are my best friend you are always there for me and i don't want to ruin that.   Well i am a great listener  except when it comes to listening to myself.   SO after high school started working went to school for plumbing and have a great job.   At the age of  25 met my girl i married.  She was great  funny smart  pretty very romantic and sexual.   She had a daughter from a former  boyfriend.  I feel in love with them both right away.   Well  we got married and this is when the depression started again.  I am a very romantic person.  Not to get naughty or gross also love  sex  maybe  not maybe i know that is one of my problems.  Not that i am an additic or anything but will get to that later.   Well after i got married  we got pregnant.   We had a beautiful daughter.   Everyone was happy and healthy.  Then our sex life was great but seems like a year after that it went from once or twice a week to once every other week and just kept getting less and less from there to where we are now where i have had it once this year.   well we have our weekly talks about what is botherin us and i tell her there is no romance and she says it will change well it doesn't  then she tells me she just tells me that because that is what i want to hear and i will stop bugging her about the topic. well if you go months without it then yes i am going to ask and i have to say i do ask alot.  I say to her when i was getting it atleaset once a week  did i bug you for it  she said no  so she doesn't see the big picture.   I am not trying to trash her right now because i have my own faults also.   well like i said only once this year and not on valinties day,  my birthday or our anniversary.  so that is making me real depressed.  not sure if she is cheating on me or what.    then  she is very up tight where i am very laid back and loose.  it takes alot to get me going but with her  she can go off with a drop of a hat.   when it comes to house work  i do 90 percent of it.   i do all the laundry and dishes and clean the bedroom and bathroom and i clean the outside.  pluse do all the maintence on the house.  it is useless to get the kids to do anything and when i talk to them about it she steps in and says i am to hard on them.  their only chores are to clean their room and pick up after themselves  i don't think that is too much to ask for.  Talking about the kids  my oldest who is 12  has this problem  not sure how to spell it or not even goin to try but she can't have caffin or chocolet.     she passes out alot well thank god not in a while  she has to take a pill everyday and it seems to be working.   my yngest who is 8 just got told she has  auditory processing disorder  that is a hearing problem.  it will just get worse when she get oldeer   it means she can't hear in crowds.   now that get me all worried.      now my mom   who was told she had ms  20 years ago.   on top of that she has a heart problem and was told last week she might have cancer.   she is the strongest person i know.  i would have givin up but not her.  lets say when she had her heart attack she was soposed to babysit the next night.  they are wheeling her into operating room and she told them to stop and she told me she will still watch her grand daughter the next night.     i just don't know what to do.  it feels that the whole world is on my shoulders right now.   not sure what is wrong with wife or my marriage or if i want to be married anymore,   worry about my children and my mom.    sorry i wrote a book 
Posted 4/3/2008 10:07 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Minime

First of all welcome to the forum,we are very glad that you found us,and I am sure you will find the support that you are looking for.

Marriage is hard no matter who you are,and I think that all marriages fall into a "depression". And it is not a bad thing to ask for help with it. Especially with 2 kids,jobs,housework ect...it takes alot out of both partners.

I am wondering if she is feeling like she is being nagged to death? So therefore it makes the idea of being intimate like a chore?
That is something that you BOTH have to work on,not just her.
If she is tired at night,then she has been thinking about going to sleep for the last 4 hours and once she hits the bedroom then that is probably all she can think about.

You see it is like this... sex is more of an intimate experience for a woman than it is for a man. We don't use it as a "release". We enjoy more of the cuddling and touching and quite frankly we could probably just get by with that.

Keep those things in mind the next time you feel like bringing it up,ask her what SHE wants. Not nagging at her because of something that YOU want... see where I am going with this?

Now, have you two thought about marriage counseling? I know it is a hard thing to admit that you need,but like I said before,it is not a bad thing to ask for help.

I found some info on the net awhile back that I think really helps alot....

I hope that your mom gets through all of this,and I am so sorry that your daughter has that,how scary!!

www.rd.com/content/how-to-cope-with-a-depressed-spouse/

www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5014_qa.html

www.mental-health-matters.com/articles/article.php?artid=526
Posted 4/3/2008 10:14 PM (GMT 0)
thank you for the advice. I will keep that in mind. But it seems it is always when she wants too. I do wait for her. if she said not tonight i leave it like that. but is it fair when she tells me in moring that we will that night then when it comes she said she is not in mood anymore. i hope i don't sound like a *****y horn dog lol
Posted 4/4/2008 11:23 AM (GMT 0)
What about a date night for the 2 of you?

Dinner with candles, a movie ect ect? Sometimes partners loose themselves in their everyday lives and the stress of everything that has to be done takes over..
Posted 4/8/2008 4:49 PM (GMT 0)
Hi MiniMe

I am married and have 2 kids myself. Seems to be the way things go with sex and marriage. Your desires go up and the spouses go down. Perhaps that is just me though ;). Figured I would give you a bit of advice. First, you may want to talk to your Dr.

Secondly is rediscover yourself. I let myself get worked into that whole work routine. I completely neglected my passions and focussed too much on the ends. For me it was picking up a guitar. I went for 10 years without playing and forgotten how much joy it brought me. Once I picked it back up it re-energized me. One of my best friends started skate boarding with his son. Strangely enough it makes me feel like a teenager again. It also gives me an excuse to give my children lessons. Not sure if that is helpful. I'm also trying to break my habit of being an introvert. It seems to elevate my mood when I go out of my comfort zone. Good luck with everything... and remember their is help out there. :-)
Posted 4/14/2008 12:02 PM (GMT 0)
Bump
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