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Going bad(Summer/Schools Out!)

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Posted 5/25/2008 11:02 PM (GMT 0)
Hey everyone! I am approaching the one year mark since my depressions went over the edge.(June 3). I have 1 more day of school and then I am out for the summer! Happy, yes, but I am also very scared. Last summer was horrific. I can NOT survive another like it. I am taking a college class, volunteering at the hospital, and looking for a part time job. I am trying to keep myself busy doing things.

But, I dont know how it will turn out. I am a Senior now! (graduation is Friday, but Im still a senior now!) With that comes the stress of classes, grades, college, scholarships, etc.

I actually enjoy going to school. I am a WAY different person at school than at home. I am happier at school. I have so many people to talk to and I enjoy doing things for people. I look up to people and do my best to be the best person I can. But, during the summer I feel really alone. I wont have anyone to talk to now. I have you guys, but its different talking in person, with a voice. I wont have my teacher or my counselor. Im having sad feelings also because my teacher is leaving, she will only be there a week in the fall...I will miss her alot because I have never met anyone like her. She listens and understands and I can tell her anything. She has become a great friend of mine so...

Thats why Im trying to stay busy. I dont want to be alone. Im having so many problems right now trying to figure myself out. I am trying to be independent(which I am), but I want to figure out my image, ya know. My mom is having a hard time letting go of me and letting me become who I am. Of course, I am also having problems with coming out, but its not the right time I guess.

You guys, I want to be happy that school is out! Summer time is here! Im a senior! One more year!....but Im not. Im still not over everything and I dont want to be alone when I really need someone to talk to...

Thanks for letting me vent. Have a great Memorial Day for those who celebrate!

Posted 5/25/2008 11:24 PM (GMT 0)

Wow your senior year next,  how great for you and it will fly by.  Remember that change can be good and you will continue to grow as you move through life. 

You have proven that you are doing everthing you can to keep the depression away with your keeping busy and being with people.  That is awesome.  Do not anticipate that you will have a repeat of last summer, that was then, it is in your past and leave it there.

Please just keep moving forward and know that we are here for you we care and your right being in the real world is where you should be.  We are you online family and you may always vent away.  We will not judge you and to us you can say it as it is.

Practice staying in the moment, don't let tomorrow scare you.  It will take care of itself.  You must take care of you.  Many hugs to you and may you feel the peace I am sending your way.

Hugs
Kitt

Posted 5/25/2008 11:40 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Kitt... I appreciate it. I am doing everything I can. I am not anticipating that this summer will be a repeat, I am just scared because of last summer.

...WOW. Thats all I can say! You guys, this has been the biggest BIGGEST year of my life! Honestly, I have gone through more than I could ever imagine. Starting with my lawn mower accident(I "almost" lost some toes), deep depression, horrible anxiety, anxiety attacks, panic attacks, self harm(hitting, burning, cutting), I almost overdosed once, I came out to myself my closest friends and my favorite teacher, and I am finally a senior and driving..!!!!

As you can see, this has been a HUGE year for me! And really, I appreciate everything that has happened because it has brought me closer to people and it has helped me to be able to talk and be open about my feelings. I am more understanding and flexible. I love talking and I have learned so much. I cant believe all of this has happened to me, but a part of me is glad. I dont think I will get over it. I think I will carry it with me everyday and use it to learn and to help...

Anyways, I keep getting off. My current issue is coming out.. I dont know how you guys feel about this. I can only hope for the best. But, I dont really want to talk about it because it doesnt seem like the type of issue I should discuss on here, maybe I can... I dont know.

But I appreciate all of the help I have recieved here. And I love you guys so much. Thanks!
Posted 5/26/2008 1:26 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Christi,

I am so happy for you, you have come so very far and you have learned so much with the past years experiences. You are a senior, how cool is that?!!! Very cool!!!

Now you are driving too, that must be awesome. I remember when I first started driving. Though I was a little scared, it was still fun.

I read something cool the other day, here it goes:

Yesterday is history
Tomorrow a mystery
Today is a gift
That's why it's called the present

I thought that was really cool. You are happy today, that is what matters. Remember that. That is a cool reminder when you are a little anxious about the future or sad about the past. Though I know that you aren't sad, because of all that you have learned from this past year. You are really doing a lot of cool things now and I think that is great.

I hope that you had a nice weekend, and enjoy your last day of school for now.

Luv and hugs, Karen
Posted 5/28/2008 12:05 AM (GMT 0)
Im not doing so great... I have been doing ok all day. Alot has been going on. I have been at school all day running around doing everything for everybody! My teachers love me! But, I was fast walking all day and I skipped eating and just kept going. I felt the low sugar thing so I did that asap and felt slightly better, but I am just so sore and exhausted. I am very happy I am able to help eveyrone tho!

But, I never thought I would say this, but I am actually missing school alot. I go some tomorrow and Thursday then thats it... I miss being around everyone. They keep my mind off everything going on in my head... When I take school away I just feel really depressed.

But, my mom and I have been fighting alot also. She like never stops yelling and I hate being at home ya know. Shes just always in a bad mood and that affects everyone.

I am approaching the year mark and right now I feel like I have made no progress. I feel like I have wasted all of this time trying to fix things on my own... I am just really tired of it. Im tired of feeling this way. I am so sick of being unhappy. I hate to say it because I never do, but I really wish I could just...I dont know...not have to deal with it ya know. :(

I am really, really tired of things. I hate that I still feel the same way that I did 12 months ago. I cant fix myself and its just not going to happen, but I dont know what to do anymore...
Posted 5/28/2008 3:30 AM (GMT 0)
I think that when we are depressed we forget the good things that have happened. Like you now have a car, you are driving, you are a senior now, and you did great on all your exams. You have so much to be proud of Christi.

I think when you start your new class and when you get things going this summer, you will feel more structured and that will help you to feel better. Right now you are in transition to your summer schedule and it is probably the change that is bothering you. But I think once you get use to the different things that you are doing, you will feel more at ease. I really hope that you feel better soon Christi.

Take care, let me know how things are going.
luv and hugs, Karen
Posted 5/28/2008 4:20 AM (GMT 0)
Im still looking at the good things. They just dont seem the same. I mean, its all good and I can be proud, but I still have the same thoughts and feelings so it just gets me down even more. My mom still wont let me go anywhere. She like refuses to let me stray far from home in my car. My dad says go and he doesnt care but my mom throws a fit, and trust me, if you had to listen to her yell all day long, you would choose to listen to her! lol I dont know.

Im also having some issues with my parents. I havent...*sigh*...I havent told them about me yet. I mean, Im not able to "really" be myself, ya know. I just want to be true to myself. Not only that, but they have no idea what has happened the past year and so I always have so much I wish I could throw there way. And part of me feels like I am lying because I pretend I am so happy all the time(I am happy sometimes!), but I just feel like pretending is lying and I hate not being able to just be totally honest with everyone and to myself.

Im sorry, I just...I just have a lot of things going through my mind still. I would tlak more but I should probably go to bed...weird since I took extra of my anxiety med tonight(which should have made me sleepy...but didnt)...Im feeling a "crying myself to sleep" night anyways...

Im trying to be happy.... it just isnt that easy I dont think...
Posted 5/28/2008 4:19 PM (GMT 0)
I know Christi,

It is so much easier said than done, isn't it? Just keep trying. When you are ready, you will talk to your parents about everything. I know how it feels to hold everything in and feel like you aren't being honest. But just try to think of it as you will talk when you feel absolutely secure about it. That way you wont feel like you are being dishonest. I hope that helps anyway.

You have had so much going on this past year, I am sure that it is over whelming for you. Try to focus on what you are doing and the things you will be doing soon, maybe that will set your mind at ease. Though I know that is another thing easier said than done.

Either way I will be praying for you to be able to get things in a comfortable position for yourself. And I pray for you to have the strength that you need at this time.

How is the fibro? I am super hurting this morning. Hopefully this will go away soon as I just took my medications. Running a little late today so I have to play catchup.

Take care, Keep posting.

Luv and hugs, Karen
Posted 5/28/2008 10:15 PM (GMT 0)
Hoi!

Today I had my final exam, so I finished school as well. So, if you ever want to talk to someone in a rather similar situation as you (moving out etc.), I will be here. Thought I'd let you know.

Karen, what a great little poem you found, I love it!

And Christi, being honest with yourself is so hard, and requires your full attention every day, so don't feel too bad when you fail to do so. The more you practice in being honest, the better you will get at it, as with everything else.

All the very best!!
Erik
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