Needed to get it all out

 I kinda just need to vent for a moment, so I hope nobody minds too much.

 You ever have those times when you're just sorta sitting around, nothing much is going on, and all the sudden you feel like a pile of crap on toast? It's always at night that the negative feelings are at their worst. Like tonight, nothing bad happened at all; I was watching the Olympics, then I went to my room to read, and all of the sudden, the bad feelings came roaring back at me. I feel inadequate, sorta numb, miserable, my self-confidence/image is basicly non-existant. And it just comes at me from the middle of nowhere. I was having a perfectly boring, normal, and enjoyable evening, then bam! My head decides that it wants to go crazy on me. It shakes me to my core. I don't want to do anything. I don't really see any reason for getting out of bed most days, but of course, I still have to. I've been taking Cytalopram for a few months now, and it was working great in the beginning. I wasn't overeating like I usually did, I was feeling like I could actually do more things again, I had more energy, more confidence, I was sleeping better... But it's all seeming to go away again. I'm still taking the pills, but I'm not getting any of the effects anymore. It just weighs down on me all the time, and I'm trying to do everything I can, but it's not working. I'm seeing a phychologist, I'm taking my prescriptions...

 I don't think I can write anymore right now. It greatly annoys me when I use the word "I" too many times in one sitting. I don't like making everything seem like it's all about me, or reading all the whining I write down... It's always nice just to get some of these things out every once in a while though. Even if they don't make too much sense when it's actually written down. I don't really re-read these, it just goes on here straight from my brain... I don't even know what I'm trying to say anymore, gah... Anywhos, I'mma get going.

  Thanks for letting me rant a bit, 

 ~Blue

Hi Blue, You said something very important in your post.....

Blue said...I've been taking Cytalopram for a few months now, and it was working great in the beginning. I wasn't overeating like I usually did, I was feeling like I could actually do more things again, I had more energy, more confidence, I was sleeping better... But it's all seeming to go away again. I'm still taking the pills, but I'm not getting any of the effects anymore. It just weighs down on me all the time, and I'm trying to do everything I can, but it's not working.

This is always the hardest part of depression, being on medication, seeing a psych doc and still feeling yourself sliding backwards.  I have learned over my many years of living with this disorder that you sometimes have to fall backwards inorder to keep going forward.  This is how we learn what works for us and what doesnt, what our triggers are and what kind of things we need to avoid....and most important of all when we need to step up and call our physicians when we feel ourselves sliding backwards.  It doesnt mean that your a failure in anyway, shape or form.  It only means that your antidepressant may  need to be adjusted.  Please give your doc a call tomorrow and let them know how you have been feeling, there is no reason for you to have to go through this.

Please do keep us updated...we are always here for you

I haven't checked in here for a while; I've been insanely busy. So here's a little update:

I talked to my psychologist, and we decided to change my anit-depressants and add a sleeping pill. I'm now taking Bupropion(150mg in the morning, and 75 in the afternoon), and Trazodone(50mg at night)-for sleep. I've been on them for a little over a week now, and I'm already noticing little changes. I'm not shoving food down my throat all the time anymore. In fact, I think it's gone a little too far in the opposite direction. Yesterday, I didn't eat anything for 21 hours; 9pm the night before, to 6pm on Thursday. I have diabetes too, so that's really not a good thing at all. I knew that I hadn't eaten, but whenever I thought about food, I didn't think about eating it at all. It was just an object, like a CD or a figurine, you'd never think about eating those.

Then today at dance, I wasn't wearing my normal ballet shoes-I had little half shoe footie things- and I was just finishing a combo from corner to corner, and apparently there was a rock on the dance floor. Inevitably, I stepped on it, and now the joint on the underside of my big toe is all purple. I have 6 hours of dance tomorrow, 2 and half of them are en pointe. So I'm kind of stressing about dance tomorrow; it's gonna be near impossible to do most of class if I can't even walk striaght.

My sleeping pills don't really seem to be doing anything for me though. about a week ago, I fell asleep at 7:30am. And I still can't fall asleep before 2am on any given day, so there's another major stress factor. I also started a new job about 2 weeks ago; I'm a prep cook at an Inn/restaraunt. So far, that's gone amazingly well, and I'm enjoying it immensly.

Nutcracker rehearsal started a little while ago. This's always the craziest time of the year, and with all of our oldest dancers graduating this year, (<-me inclueded), everyone's going insane and demanding that they get the best parts- even if they in no way are ready for them or deserve them at all. I told Kimmy that I wanted to back out a little bit this year, that I honestly didn't want to do any principal parts this year. It'll be better for me this way, because I can concentrate on all the normal dances and get them completely perfected, and I won't be stressing out about being Snow Queen or Sugar Plum Fairy. It's just hard to remain sane with everyone around you making you want to duct tape their mouths shut for the next year.

Ok, it's late over here and I have to get up early to get ready for dance in the morning. Thanks for letting me rant, yet again. Loves to you all~Blue

hello blue, i'm also feeling like i wanna stay home all day without seeing nobody just painting and writing but i guess we need to have social contact everyonce in a while. for me nighttime is the best time though, bad part is i have to get up early so i have to try to sleep at night wich is always kinda hard. sorry i don't have many positive things to say right now but i'm sending out positive vibrations to you, hope you can notice them. hugs and support from spain.

Hey Blue,

I hope your foot is ok and just getting out and dancing should make you feel good about who you are.  We would love to be able to dance as you do.  I can picture you swirling and twirling. What a lovely site.

Take care,
Kitt