Wish there was an easy answer

I went to my company picnic on Saturday. It would have been so much fun... I mean, I had a little fun while I was there, and everyone was glad I showed up. This was a huge thing for me- I never go to social functions by myself!!

 

My boyfriend and I have been fighting a lot, as I mentioned awhile ago, and things haven't changed much. I told him that I want to be able to do things by myself and have friends once in awhile, he thinks I am just cheating on him. So when I told him about the picnic he said I wasn't allowed to go... OR he could go with me but that would undoubtedly end bad.

 

See, the person he thinks I'm cheating on him with happens to be a guy from my work. We are just friends, and I just like talking to him because he actually listens and whatever but anyway. So he knows the guy's name and it would be just a matter of time before someone said it out loud and my boyfriend would start something because that's what he's been wanting to do. Plus he would sit there the whole time, grouchy, not talking, and texting his Iowa friends on the phone. So I didn't really want him to go for obvious reasons. I didn't feel like it was wrong of me to ask to go to a work related function, and moreover I didn't feel like I should HAVE to ask and have permission.   

 

So I wake him up and say "I'm going to stop by my parents and then I'm going to the picnic, okay?" and he just said "Okay, bye" Needless to say I was a little shocked and thought it would be a blow out fight, so I was like "Are you sure you're okay with it? You're not going to be mad?" He just rolled over and said whatever, just go. I knew that it was going to be a problem but I was just fed up so I left.

 

Anyway, I'm at the picnic maybe 30 minutes and he starts calling my phone. FREAKING out. Like, "I told you that you weren't allowed to go and if you left I wouldn't be here when you got back" I just couldn't believe it. I was like "You can't tell me I'm not ALLOWED to do something, that's not how things work" and he just kept saying that I'm a lying [expletive] and that I don't deserve trust and that I have to get up right now and get in the car and come home. Of course I just said there was no way I was leaving, I was trying to have fun and get to know my coworkers and I'm not going to put up with him treating me like he's my master.

Well it didn't stop, and he kept calling and texting and making absurd threats like he was going to smash or sell everything in the house and go back to Iowa, or he was just going to put a steak knife through his throat, or whatever. At one point I silenced my phone to try to ignore him and he called me 25 times in a row. I was so embarrassed and angry and felt like an idiot for sitting on my cell arguing with my boyfriend while people are trying to get me to go swimming and have fun. So I just left. I got home and he yelled some more, then I took him to work and by the time he got home it was almost like nothing happened.

 

To be perfectly honest, I really do believe that he is bipolar, although he is so against psychiatry and drugs for mental health that there would be no way to find out/treat it. I have to hide my Lexapro at work because he said he’d flush it down the toilet if he ever found it again.

Part of me doesn’t think there’s any way this could work and that I’d be happier if we just called it quits, but the other part of me is scared. I feel bad that I moved him and all of his, our, things to Florida and he’d have no way to get it back to Iowa. My parents paid like $2000 for a moving van to get our stuff back here, and there's no way we could come up with that to move him back to Iowa, nor would his parents ever offer to help. And if he did go back he might not have a place to stay. I mean, he probably would but I don't know. I guess I just feel bad and worry what would happen to him if we broke up and I feel like I’m stuck.

He keeps saying this is all my fault and I always ruin everything and I’m never going to be happy and that I’m an evil person. You know when someone says something enough times, it really starts to feel true.

 

 

ediekristen

Hey there sweety.

I think you need to tell this controlling person you are with that "He is not the one for you"  If he needs to move back to where ever he owns that problem.  You should just turn off your cell phone when you go out and try to live a normal life.

This situation is not going to change until YOU make it change. Remember ou cannot change him, you can only change yourself.

If your partner insists on controlling you, you can offer two choices.

You can reassure him  that he is  loved, that you are loyal, but you cannot live with his jealousy, or his insistence that you do things his way, and he  can either loosen up, or find the front door You do not have to jump through hoops for anyone, and controlling people  are very difficult to live with.

They use all ploys to get their own way, they are manipulative, and if it is starting to affect your own self-esteem and happiness, then clearly this is a relationship you can do without. If your partner  does not seek help and life continues to be one of control over you, then it is a relationship going nowhere and headed for disaster.

This is just my 2 cents for today.

I wish you peace and happiness.

Kitt

Hi Ediekristen,

I am so glad that you are thinking about counseling, you really do need the extra support. You have done nothing wrong and you have not ruined the relationship. He is acting like a big baby because he wasn't able to control you.

Hugs, Karen

arrggghhhh He is just driving me CRAZY with this. I don't even know what to think!
Last night he woke me up at some ungodly hour, came to bed and was all like "I don't think we're working, I don't know if I love you anymore, blah blah blah blah" I don't even remember half the conversation anymore because I was half asleep. He kept talking about how I'm not the same person anymore and he is going to go stay with his dad for awhile and he can't even sleep in the same bed as me anymore.. whatever... And then this morning he's mad at me because I got up early and wouldn't come back to bed with him. What the heck!? Make up your mind! And now he's all acting nice and saying I love you. It's like night and day.

This morning he even got mad at me for my choice of underwear, because I put on this black lacy thong that happens to be extremely comfortable, and he's like "What do you need to be wearing lingerie to work for?!" So I just took them off and finished getting ready and didn't talk to him all morning practically.

Sheesh. And guys think we girls are hard to figure out. I feel like my stomach is one big ulcer.

It's funny, he just said the same thing to me.
He called his dad and I guess he's going to go down to the keys to stay with him. He said he's leaving this weekend. He keeps saying it's up to me whether he stays or goes and I don't know how to answer. I think I know what the right answer is but it is really hard adn scary and it hurts.

Hi EdieKristen,

It sounds to me like your relationship is inevitably going to come to an end, so in all honest I would say do drag it out any longer than you have to. The longer things drag on the harder it is to move forwards.

Ediekristen,

Maybe the time apart will do you good. It isn't all or nothing. He needs to get a job and work. You have been the provider for a long time. I think going to stay with his dad will be good for both of you. Though I know that it is hard to be apart. But he has to learn to be a man.

Like was said above, don't let him make you the bad guy. Tell him it is up to him, encourage him to go if you want to. Tell him, that once he gets his life in order, you might think of coming down. Something like that. That way you can see what it is like to have some freedom. He is too controlling. You might be lonesome at first, but that goes away. Once you find things that you like to do. Such as doing things with your work friends. Who knows, maybe you and that guy at work will get to know eachother. LIfe is full of suprises....

Best wishes for a wonderful day,
Hugs, Karen

If you are having this much mixed emotions, I would suggest just taking things one day at a time. It sounds as if you really do care about him, or else you wouldn't be so confused.

I remember going through things like this with my first husband. We had a decent relationship for 23 years until he died of cancer in 2000. So I can't say it was all bad, though he was like yours, he was very controlling and posessive. But everything worked out the way that it should. Many times I didn't know what to do, and he would blame me and I felt guilty. Just don't beat yourself up over it, you have nothing to feel guilty over. Take it one day at a time, take care of yourself, do what is important to you. Keep working, it sounds like you really like your job. There is nothing wrong with talking to that guy at work. Especially if it makes you feel good. If it goes any further, then you might want to think some more about who you want to be with. But don't lie about it, that will just make you feel worse. Be careful. I am starting to sound like your mother LOL...

Do what you feel is right in your heart.

You will be fine and everything will work out.

Hugs, Karen

Good Evening,

Your Mom sounds wise and gentle.  Have you thought of sitting down and talking this through with her. As you have her to talk to take advantage of the blessing.  You don't have to agree with her but do hear her out. She loves you unconditionally.

I wish you peace.

Kitt

Well, yesterday was just crazy, I had to come here and share.

My good friend Natalie (whom I've blown off for the past three months because I haven't been allowed to hang out with her) called me yesterday morning and asked if we could please hang out. She was having some family troubles, and she knew I am having troubles, so she wanted to get some dinner and talk. So I agreed. I was sick of constantly bailing on her and she's one of my only friends so I don't want to lose her.

Anyway, when I was leaving for work, my boyfriend was still sleeping so I just said goodbye and didn't bring it up, because last time I brought up something about me going out after work while he was sleeping he got mad at me. Well when he called me around noon, I told him my plan and he freaked out on me. He was mad that I was going to spend time with her and not him and said that he didn't care what she was going through, we didn't "need other people in our lives" right now and that I wasn't allowed to go. I am just fed up at this point so I said "I'm not asking your permission, I'm going out with Natalie and that's it." We went over and over all sorts of drama, he was saying that I was a horrible person and that I wasn't doing anything to make him happy and I was just trying to push him away.

So then I said that I give up, I don't want to be in this relationship anymore and that I'm not happy and it's over. This is when he went from mad to upset. Like, he sent me text after text saying "Please don't do this to me, how could you give up on me so quickly? I love you more than anything I can't live without you" etc etc... He kept calling and begging me to come home after work so we could talk about this, and after a bit I just asked him to leave me alone and I shut my phone off.

Well Natalie came and picked me up at work at 6pm since she was down the road, and I just left my car there. We went out to Olive Garden and I had some chicken alfredo that was amazing and lots of breadsticks and we had a really great conversation. She had been in an almost identical relationship to mine, everything she was saying I was like "OH MY GOSH, me too!!!" except her boyfriend was physically abusive as well. It was just really nice to connect with her. After dinner we sat down at the beach for a short while and talked and it was nice, but then I knew I had to head home.

So she drove me back to my work, and my car wasn’t there!!! At first I got a little nervous, but then I knew what had happened because it wouldn’t have gotten towed from the hospital, there was no reason for it… So I turn my phone on and call him and he’s like “I was walking the dog and we just kept walking and walking and then when I realized how far I had gone, I figured it would be better to just get the car and drive her home.” Mind you, this is an 8 MILE walk. The way he talked later though was that really, he came and took the car so that whoever was driving me would have to take me home, so if I was with another guy, the guy would have to drop me off and David was sitting outside waiting to see who it was. He said he was really sorry and felt like an idiot and was “glad that he was wrong because it showed he could trust me” but not entirely.
Oh also, when I turned my phone on I instantly got calls from my parents and sister because apparently he had called them and said I didn't come home and he didn't know where I was, and my phone was off so they were all freaked out and worried, when there was no reason because he KNEW where I was.

I was just in disbelief. So I’m like “This is over I’m done” and he begged and pleaded and cried and asked me not to leave him and please give him another chance and he loves me more than anything in the world… And it was so hard to look him in the eyes and say “I don’t want you here” while he was saying all these things, and I cried and it hurt but at the same time, it didn’t hurt in the way that it would have before… I didn’t have that deep feeling in my heart that I wanted to be with him, it just felt over. I mean, it still feels hard to let go but... not like the way it did when he was moving away to Iowa, and then I knew it was temporary but it felt like my heart was shattering in a million pieces... Now, I just feel.. numb.

Tonight he wants to take me to dinner and he swears he will change (not by letting me go out and do things, can’t trust me that much yet  ) but he says wants to try and communicate better and make me happy and he said he wants to marry me if we get through this and have kids with me. He's convinced that things will get better and that I'm just not wanting to try when I say it won't. I just feel like it’s all just another ploy, another manipulation to keep from losing me and having to be alone, and even when he basically asked me to marry him, all I could do was cry because even those words didn’t make me feel anything inside, except weakness.

 

 

Hello,
I'm new here but I was reading your post and I started to wonder if you were dating my ex-husband. lol. My ex was the exact same way. Mine asked me to marry him under the same circumstances, i was trying to get out, then I felt sorry for him and I agreed to marry him--stupid--anyways we had children and things NEVER got better. Really they got worse because he thought he then owned me. Well when I finally left I saw a counsler and got an understanding of things. I found out that he didn't want me to work because he didn't want me to have money to leave him, he didn't want me to be close to my family(which I always have been and always will be) because then I had other peoples opinions about our relationship and he always degraded me because he wanted to tear me down and build me up the way he wanted me to be. I just know that people who are like that it is really hard to change, and expecially without professional help. Just keep in mind that things can always go to another level, my ex tried to hire someone to get me to a deserted area after I had left him. Once when I left and then went back he told me if I ever left him again they would never find my body.
So you need to always look at the fine print instead of just glancing at whats in front of you. Just be careful and to be on the safe side keep a journal at work of his actions or talk to family and let them know what is going on. I'm not trying to scare you, but since I have been there done it I know how things can change so fast. People at work can also be an excellent resource of support.
Take care and I hope things get better for you and remember you don't need to live a life that makes you unhappy, you only have one life live it to the fullest.