Seeing Red and Lashing Out...

Heej Princess!

Although it might make you feel worse, I feel that I have to tell you the only one that can stop you from doing what you are doing is you. You are already posting here, so I believe you have the motivation to work on it, to make it stop. If you look at your situation from a rather objective view, like that of an alien, you can see what is happening. We humans tend to take the easy road, while that easy road lead us to ever more pain and suffering. See it as a road through a stinking swamp. With some effort though, we can climb the hillside next to the swamp. It is very steep at first, and will take a lot of energy and motivation to climb, but once we are up there, everything is so much easier. No more bad smells, dirty water, diseases. Instead pure mountain water and a wonderful view.

That is what life is about. Some dwell in the swamp all the time, some are born on the hills, and some are climbing the hills. Others can encourage you to continue climbing, but in the end your feet have to carry you up, your legs, your body, you. I hope this rather odd metaphor made things a bit clearer.

It is easy to blame others, feel self-pity etc. The hard part is the change. So maybe you could think of that whenever you feel angry. See yourself climbing the hill, and notice how you fall back in the swamp when you lose yourself in either rage, anger, or sadness. Trying to think of that every single time you feel negativity in you can help you to get aware of that, and it will teach you how to prevent it from happening again, so that you can climb higher and higher. Until you reached the solid plateau the Buddhists call "enlightenment". As you practise with the climbing, you will get stronger, and thus easier to do the next time. You will discover roads in the hillside that will take you up with less effort. They are already there, you just need to find them. Please bear in mind that you choose your own state of Being, and no matter how hard things might seem at a time, you choose whether to feel bad about them. This philosophy can be very discouraging, but it is mend to make you aware of the fact that you can choose for yourself to be happy. Realizing that can lead to everlasting happiness from within that doesn't depend on external factors like friends, or a new car, or food. Since things happen to change, happiness from within is a much more consistent source than the outside world.

I hope this long story helped a bit, I got a bit caught up in my hillside metaphor :).

All the best Princess!!!
Erik

Thanks guys... Yeah... It did help, Like before... I walked into the kitchen and opened my arms out to give my Dad a hug and say sorry... the thing is... when I bring myself down or last out... my Dad does the same, because it hurts him so much too. he lost my mum as well and doesn't want to loos me but I can't help it...

The reason the whole argument started was because I wasn't motivated to do anything and my dad was saying I could do things like dishes, or ironing and that was what was winding me up even more... I wasn't motivated and didn't know what I wanted, but he had things to do himself. I had to find a way to motivate myself. Coming on here and opening up to people and reading about there problems as well is one way where I will be motivated, but Dad isn't keen on me being on the PC and only lets me on here (it seems to me) when he can't cope with me anymore and needs me to carm down so HE can get on with things... I guess that is right but that is what I find hard

x-princess-x-elmo-x

Hello and I am so glad you feel you have come to the right place to let out your feeligs. 

I know that going over and over something in my mind after it's happened doesn't do any good. It just makes it worse. I can actually inflate an event after the fact and then it causes me more anxiety than the actual event did. Anxiety causes me to lose my self esteem and then I am into depression.

There is something comforting about baring your soul to the members of Depression and still being able to be anonymous.

The wonderful members here have helped me through so much and I have a great deal to thank them for.

We are so happy to have you.

Hugs

Kitt

Heej Princess,

I thought I'd mentioned it before, but it there are ways other than the interwebs to communicate. First of all, you could check to see if there is anyone living near you that can be a help, or maybe a group. That might sound very challenging, but the truth is there are people that care and are willing to help, you just need to find them.
If that ain't an option, you can start using other media, like writing (hand-writing!), or if that is too slow, things like calling or texting. No internet needed for that.

Plus, you could explore other ways to express yourself. Arts are a great example. Depression is in fact a great source of inspiration for arts, and it can be a great help to transfer your emotion into something else. For me, music is the way to go, though I also write poems. I wish that I could draw, but I rather suck at that. Besides arts, things like exercise can work great to get the anger out. Use your anger and pain to keep you going and reach new levels of endurance. You will feel much better afterwards.

I wish you all the best!
Erik