Why do we beat ourselves up!?!

Just wanted to post an update... I'm been reading the book Feeling Good, the New Mood Therapy.  As I'm reading it, it all makes sense but why is it so hard! 

I have had alot of "aha!" moments and I'm figuring out why it's been so hard to get on track after this when I've went through a much harder break up in the past.  It's really not about him but how I carried myself around him and the trust I thought I had and lost. So now I'm at the point where I'm worried about what he thinks of me since he really didn't know "me"...ugh! 

Anyhoo... Everyday is better and I'm learning SO much about myself.  It's actually kind of exciting! lol   

April 

Hi April,

Nice to hear that you are also on your way to discover yourself. It can really open a new world. To answer your question "why do we beat ourselves up", first of all, it is just my opinion, no absolute truth. But I think that when we humans became self-conscious, we needed emotions to survive. A hunter without would attack a bear and get himself killed, while a hunter with fear would leave the bear alone and try to find a deer. Mankind needed fear for death in order to survive (same goes with a lot of other emotions).

But now, in lots of humans the emotions can take over. Instead of using the emotions as a hint that something is happening, we let them take over ourselves. Sadness isn't a negative emotion until it takes over. Sadness for instance is just a tip from our unconscious that something isn't right. It is rather positive if you can see it in that context, it warns us that something isn't as it could be, thus we become aware and can improve it. Yet humans tend to let the sadness take over, and then it does become negative.

I think it is in human nature to suffer. And most of mankind continue to suffer because they are not aware of it. Once you become aware of your suffering, you can think of a solution to it. Which is accepting your suffering, and thus take the negative part out of it. You can't fully accept something and still stand negative towards it.

So the real reason why we beat ourselves up. In all honesty, I can't know for sure. But what I do know, is that accepting it can lead to a world free of negativity. And from an objective point of view I believe a negativity free world is the best world there is. Why choose pain above happiness, or hatred above love? It doesn't make sense, yet 99% of mankind continue to live that way, not realizing they are already living in a perfect world.

Everything I mentioned above has to do with the so called "Ego". The ego is the voice inside your head that can't seem to stop talking. The voice that tells you that the computer is your computer, not a computer. It is the source of the negative thinking, the source of dividing rather than uniting. Ever felt lonely, separated from the world? It is the ego, it tries to stop us from realizing we are connected with everything. And why does the ego would do something like that? Because it can't survive otherwise. You can see it with children. Up to a certain age, there have no property. But due to the world telling them certain things are theirs, they start to believe that, and will cry when they "lose" something that is "theirs". Rather than to be grateful for having the opportunity to use something they live in constant fear of losing it.

I hope this somewhat makes sense, since it is way to complex to describe in so little words. There are however a lot of books that will go into detail about the ego and how to live without negativity. You could give those a try.

Take care!
Erik

Kitt and Karen-Thank you for your positive words!

Erik-yes it makes sense... I've often asked myself if deep down I really enjoy feeling this way. I will look into some of the ego books. Do you have any suggestioins?

Erik-

Thank you!  I will look into those books.

April

Karen-Sorry to say...today's not a good day.  I do good for awhile then here comes the negative thoughts!  UGH... I hate it!  I'm still hung up on how I acted in the whole thing!  I hate others thinking bad of me.  I keep telling myself that I can't change the past or what he thinks of me and I'm only hurting myself cause he's not losing sleep over it.  But there it is...

I'll continue to do the positive thinking excercises and hope that it'll keep getting better!  Thanks so much for thinking of me.  It feels good to get it off my chest!

April

Good Evening April,

This is Kitt    I think it is time to post your rights for you.

Ten assertive rights of an individual

Assertive Right #1: I have the right to judge my own behavior, thoughts, and emotions and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequence. The behavior of others may have an impact upon me, but I determine how I choose to react and/or deal with each situation. I alone have the power to judge and modify my thoughts, feelings, and behavior. Others may influence my decision, but the final choice is mine.

Assertive Right #2: I have the right to offer neither reason nor excuse to justify my behavior. I need not rely upon others to judge whether my actions are proper or correct. Others may state disagreement or disapproval, but I have the option to disregard their preferences or to work out a compromise. I may choose to respect their preferences and consequently modify my behavior. What is important is that it is my choice. Others may try to manipulate my behavior and feelings by demanding to know my reasons and by trying to persuade me that I am wrong, but I know that I am the ultimate judge.

Assertive Right #3: I have the right to judge whether I am responsible for finding solutions to others' problems. I am ultimately responsible for my own psychological well-being and happiness. I may feel concern and compassion and good will for others, but I am neither responsible for nor do I have the ability to create mental stability and happiness for others. My actions may have caused others' problems indirectly; however, it is still their responsibility to come to terms with the problems and to learn to cope on their own. If I fail to recognize this assertive right, others may choose to manipulate my thoughts and feelings by placing the blame for their problems on me.

Assertive Right #4: I have the right to change my mind. As a human being, nothing in my life is necessarily constant or rigid. My interests and needs may well change with the passage of time. The possibility of changing my mind is normal, healthy, and conducive to self growth. Others may try to manipulate my choice by asking that I admit error or by stating that I am irresponsible; it is nevertheless unnecessary for me to justify my decision.

Assertive Right #5: I have the right to say, ``I don't know.''

Assertive Right #6: I have the right to make mistakes and be responsible for them. To make my errors are unforgivable, that I must make amends for my wrongdoing by engaging in proper behavior. If I allow this, my future behavior will be influenced by my past mistakes, and my decisions will be controlled by the opinions of others.

Assertive Right #7: I have the right to be independent of the good will of others before coping with them. It would be unrealistic for me to expect others to approve of all my actions, regardless of their merit. If I were to assume that I required others' goodwill before being able to cope with them effectively, I would leave myself open to manipulation. It is unlikely that I require the goodwill and/or cooperation of others in order to survive. A relationship does not require 100% agreement. It is inevitable that others will be hurt or offended by my behavior at times. I am responsible only to myself, and I can deal with periodic disapproval from others.

Assertive Right #8: I have the right to be illogical in making decisions. I sometimes employ logic as a reasoning process to assist me in making judgments. However, logic cannot predict what will happen in every situation. Logic is not much help in dealing with wants, motivations, and feelings. Logic generally deals with ``black or white,'' ``all or none,'' and ``yes or no'' issues. Logic and reasoning don't always work well when dealing with the gray areas of the human condition.

Assertive Right #9: I have the right to say, ``I don't understand.''

Assertive Right #10: I have the right to say, ``I don't care.'' a mistake is part of the human condition. Others may try to manipulate me, having me believe that I am insensitive. I have the right to be me.

Take care sweetie,

Hugs

Kitt