Anticipatory Grief...Am SO scared!

Hi Everyone,

I'm SO glad I can come here, where I know there are others who understand and are so supportive.  Most of you hear know my story (chronic pain, lost everything, went bankrupt b/c of illness, lost nursing career and my home)...The hardest part of losing most everything has been having to live with my mom and stepdad.  It's over 4 years now that I lost my home and career and went on Disability.  I try to take it One Day at a Time... It's just so hard.  My stepfather and I don't get along well.  We never did and he's been around since I'm 5 years old.  I have a stepsister from him also, who is not nice and is a very angry person.  It's a really messed up situation.  All of the doctors and therapists I've seen have told me that "I must get away from this house and the dysfunction, if I even want to try and get better".  The problem is is that I don't qualify for Low Income Housing, and the wait list there is years long anyway, and also, I have too much pain to pack anything and move.  I also have a 10 month old puppy who I love dearly.  My mom got this puppy in an attempt to replace the dog she lost, but she wasn't able to tolerate the energy of a puppy and she seemed to get so irritated with him.  So he's mine now and I'm very happy about that!  I love him dearly, so I need to find a place that would take us both.  I can't afford much at all, being on a fixed income with SSDI.  I'm not eligable for any assistance at all b/c the State I live in, includes "all income in the household."  In other words, they include my parents income (Soc. Sec., Pensions, Investments, etc...) against me!  I must pay for all medical care and prescriptions out of pocket.  It's so hard to keep up and I'm going without many meds b/c I just can't afford them. I'm also going without medical care.  I'm having 'female' problems, and could get a check up/pap smear, but if they'd find anything, I would not be able to get treatment or surgery, so I don't get checked.

My mom and stepdad are aging fast.  They both smoke at least 2 packs of cigs a day, both have emphesema and both have cardiac problems.  My stepfather has a really bad heart and bad, bad breathing problems with COPD.  He refuses to take care of himself and is more interested in tormenting my mom by raking leaves, etc... than he is with taking care of himself.  Many times he's landed in the hospital from falling over b/c of breathing and/or heart problems.  He lucky to be alive, but he's driven any friends he did have away by calling and complaining about all that he can no longer do, etc... 

If/when, something happens to my mom and/or stepdad, their house will need to be sold.  They have a Will that divides everything they have between three...me, and my two stepsisters.  My stepsisters do not bother with my stepfather, but still, they'll get 1/3 of all that my parents have, which is pretty good.  I don't care about "getting" anything.  I just pray for my mom and sdad to live longer and more healthy.  But things are not looking good and if/when anything happens, I will have NO PLACE TO LIVE.  I fear that time may come soon.  I have no friends and no other relatives except my mom.  I need to find a place of my own asap, where I can have my puppy.  He's all I really have that keeps me sane and I know I'd be totally heartbroken if I lost him too.  Someone said that what I'm having now is "Anticipatory Grief."  Meaning that I'm already grieving the loss of my mom, etc...  Are there any books that anyone knows of that would be good for me to read regarding that subject?  I am afraid!  Terrified is more like it.  I don't know how to live on the streets or be homeless.  I know I could not keep my meds safe if I lived on the streets, and I know that many drug addicts would kill for the kinds of pain meds that people with chronic pain are on.  I'm 47 years old.  I can't date b/c of my health, and also I have no place to bring a guy and no privacy. I did try the dating scene, but when they learned that I lived with my parents and had chronic health issues, they were gone quickly. 

I'm just so terrified!  I don't know what tomorrow will bring.  My mom is also very depressed and has a history of attempting suicide, and I fear she'll try it again.  I know my sdad really works on her nerves too.  I've tried going to churches for help, but they were of no help at all, to my surprise.  I need a therapist badly, but cost is an issue, as is getting to one b/c of the constant pain.

I'm sorry if this post got long.  I'm hanging on by a thread.  I've given my entire life over to helping others, and now that I really need help badly, it seems as though everyone is gone.  I'm not a complainer...I just need help.  I'm in my room now, where I try to stay as much as I can.  I don't feel welcomed living here, yet when I talk of getting my own small place, "b/c it would allow me to get medical assistance, and help, etc...", they (mostly my sad) gets ugly about it.  So, there's no help at all from them.  My asthma is also very bad right now b/c the house is so filled with smoke.  Another reason that I need my own place, efficiency, room...

Thank you all for being here!  I'd be totally alone if I didn't have my computer, knowing I can come here for support and encouragement.

God Bless,

Willow

HI Willow,

I thought that if you got disability, you would get medicaide too. If you don't, you should apply for it.

I think that you should check with the mental health system and see if there are any programs that will cover you. I can't believe that there are no resources for you out there. You really need to move out of your parents house.

I think that it sounds like you have anticipatory anxiety. You are worrying about where you are going to live after your parents die. It is time for you to check on the internet or with your local government to get some help. I know you feel as if you have exhausted your resources, but I think there is more out there that can help you. Do you pay rent? Do you eat meals together? If you pay rent you shouldn't have to count their income. And if you don't eat more than one meal with them each day, you could be eligable for food stamps, that would give you more cash. I am sure you help them out, so you should be able to qualify as a tenant, therefore, you should not have to include their income. Keep trying, you should be getting some kind of help to move.

Best wishes,
Hugs, Karen

Willow, I sometimes read the depression posts but only post irregularly because I'm not a mod here, but I was looking at convent websites online today, and I saw that the Carmelite Sisters http://www.carmelitedcj.org/life.asp offer a home away from home for the children and the elderly. I know you said that your local churches had been of no help, but perhaps the nuns might be able to stretch the rule about "elderly" residents and find a place for you, or, failing that, put you in touch with someone who can help?

Just an idea, but sometimes vague enquiries can yield great results.

All the best to you,

Ivy.

Hi again Willow,  I was looking back at some of your other posts and replies. You had one from Kitt that gave a website for hud.  If you click on your name from this post it will bring up your post from 11/1 and go to the post from Kitt with the website.  I looked at the website.  What you have to do is first click on your state and it brings up all the hud offices in dozens of towns and cities.  There is also other extremely helpful info on how to go about looking for a place and how to rent , qualifications, more than I can give you.  If you will please go to this website I truly think you will be able to get some help.  If one place doesn't work then ask if they know of other agencies for help.  You seem so sad and lost and I am feeling very bad for you.  But if you truly want to get a place of your own it is going to take some work and looking on your part.  As I mentioned in one of my other replies to you I have found a lot of help for my son who has epilepsy.  When I called one place that couldn't help me, they gave me the names of other agencies to help.  It is like a chain reaction.  You just have to pursue everything that is out there. Please let me know how things go.  If you wait too long and your parents aren't around it will be harder for you to locate a place as I imagine it takes time to do all this.  So please for your sake and your puppy look at this website and try to get help.  I only want what is best for you.

Many  hugs,

Aurora