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Posted 11/30/2008 11:28 PM (GMT 0)
Hi, I'm 24 years old and have been dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts for the past 10 years. cry . Ive kept a lot away from my family over the years but its finally catching up. My girl-friend of 8 months got pregnant and she didn't want the child. I did. I fought with her everyday to keep it. On the family side my dad had cancer. I was a mess. cry . I fought with my girl-friend for 4 months until she snapped. She said she was going to get rid of it the next day. That next day was also my dad having his cancer removed. I went with my dad instead of my girl. I told her if she got rid of the kid then I would get rid of her. She didn't care. My mom didn't understand why I cried so much that day. Neither did my brother. It haunts me. cry I think about it so much. I don't talk to my friends about my problems because they have there own to think about. I think everyday could be my last. I feel so empty. So many bills coming in, no money to pay them. A loss of a job. My life feels like a mess. Please help me, I have nothing to live for. It hurts so much having it all in you. Every time my parents come up to me they say.. " do you know its been 5 months your dads been cancer free?" then I say to myself its been 5 months she got rid of my kid. I know my ex doesn't think of it anymore. But it feels like a little part of me was lost with that day. I need all the help I can get. I don't see myself living for the next few years. I just want things to change.
Posted 11/30/2008 11:41 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Hugz,

First of all, I would like to say that I am so happy that you found us and are a member here at HealingWell. I think that you will find that this is a good place to come. Everybody is so kind and compassionate. We all struggle with depression so we understand what you are going through.

I am happy that your father is okay. I can understand why you chose to be there for him on that day. I am sorry for what your girlfriend did. But maybe it wasn't the right thing for her at the time. She is the one that would have had to deal with the responsibility of the child and the nine months of carrying it. Though I can see where you are coming from, you wanted the baby. Maybe there will be another one, but it has to be a mutual decision. Maybe she doesn't want children, has she said anything either way?

I don't really know the whole situation, so I don't know what exactly to say. But I can understand your grief. It may take a little time, I don't take abortion lightly, so I am not one to end a life as some do. But like I say, the woman has to bare the child, so they don't always want to go through that. I don't think I am sounding very tactful right now, I guess the words don't want to come out the way my mind wants them to. I guess what I am saying is I know how you feel. I think it is normal. I am sorry for your grief, but don't give up, you will have a child to love one day. You said that right now you are struggleing with finances, hopefully when the time comes you will be more financially secure and able to take care of that child that you so dearly want.

Best wishes,

Hugs, Karen
Posted 12/1/2008 10:31 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Hugz23,

It sounds like you and your girlfriend had a difference of interests, It's a shame that you couldn't reach an agreement together, but that is sometimes just the way it goes. I think you must be greiving right now, but time is a good healer and hopefully you will be able to move forward soon. Take your time to grieve though it is important.
Posted 12/1/2008 3:13 PM (GMT 0)
Heej Hugz!

I am proud of you for telling us what is bothering you and the will to change. Those are the first, but o-so important steps towards getting better. Writing down your thoughts and sharing them with others is a good follow-up. Not only you will feel the compassion of others, but it will also help in exploring your depression.

Please trust me when I say that I only want to help, rather than hurt you. But one thing I learned because of my depression is that life is what you want it to be. If you threat life as positive, it will be positive. It will be your friend if you want it. But if you start a war against life, war is what you get. Life is fair, it threats exactly the same as you threat it. Realizing this can be the most difficult thing ever, but it can also be such a great help. Life won't make your life difficult, the only one who can do that is you. If you make life difficult, life will make it difficult for you.

Sorry if this won't help you. Fortunately there are far more ways to get better than this "spiritual path". I don't know whether you can get a counsellor, but if not you could try and look for some local support groups. Little things like that can be a great help. You also say there is nothing to live for. That sounds familiar. Maybe you could try to think of what you used to enjoy, and what you wanted to do with your life for when you were 6, 12, 15, 18, and so on. Maybe you will find something you still enjoy that way.

Please keep talking to us Hugz if you want, it can be such a great help!

Hugs, Erik
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