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New Member...Wife is depressed...need advice please

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Posted Today 8:05 AM (GMT 0)
Hello Everyone,

I've been married to my wife for 8 years now and it seems that she is now suffering from depression.  She hasn't actually been diagnosed yet but her best friend is the wife of a psychiatrist and she had my wife fill out a questionnaire (I'm not sure what it was).  Well, my wife answered 'yes' to all the questions (apparently, this is not good) which would seem to indicate that she is suffering from depression (she will take this to her primary care doctor this week).

Anyways, the symptoms seem to support the likely depression diagnosis.

I guess what I'm looking for her is 'how have spouses here dealt with it?'  Now, while our marriage isn't perfect, there is nothing major that would have set this off.  And the sudden onset of the symptoms has been a shock (or maybe we just didn't acknowledge them before?).  My wife suddenly no longer has any affection for me.  She says she loves me but gets sad being around me.  She also cries frequently with no apparent cause.  She is spending less and less time with our daughter (and she really loves our daughter and is a great mother).  Basically, a lot of the same things that have been written on other forums.  I'm going to stick with her for as long as it takes but I'm starting to get worn out (I'm scheduling counseling for myself this week as I am unable to sleep and feel I may be starting down that same path).  Any advice on handling this would be greatly appreciated.  What have others done to keep their sanity?  My wife seems to be pushing me away (even though she says she loves me, she doesn't show it at all) and seems to be entirely indifferent towards me.  She rarely initiates conversations and if I want any contact, I will need to go up to her.  It's all so confusing.  I know she loves me and the kids, but she just hasn't shown it at all lately. 

Not really sure what I'm asking for here, just totally confused and need to get this out of my system maybe.  If you can make any sense of what I wrote, please respond.  I could really use some help/advice.

Thanks

Posted Today 10:55 AM (GMT 0)
Hi,

I think that the main thing you have to do is be patient with your wife, whilst she works through her issues, I think when you feel depressed the last thing you need is to start doubting your relationship aswell, I think she needs to feel that she has your solid support. I think it will be hard though. I think maybe you should try going to some sort of counselling together, that might be helpful to you.
Posted Today 2:00 PM (GMT 0)
We actually had a marriage counseling session this past Saturday (she was anxious to go) and set up a follow-up for this Thursday after the session had ended). However, last night she decided she didn't want to go anymore b/c she didn't think he could help her/us right now. She is still scheduled to go to her primary care doctor this Thursday (I hope she keeps the appointment) so I'm hoping he recognizes her needs and refers her to the appropriate help).

It is so hard to overcome the doubt, though. While she says that she loves me and wants to save our family, her lack of emotion towards me (and even the kids) makes it seem as if she is just giving lip service. I am fully committed to saving our marriage. What have others done to keep themselves going (especially if this goes on for a few more months before any help she gets kicks in)?
Posted Today 5:53 PM (GMT 0)
HI Love,

Welcome to the HealingWell depression forum. You are doing all the right things. Especially going to counseling for yourself. You will get the support that you need to deal with this difficult time. Plus we are here for you too. Coming here to vent will help you deal with everything else.

Stick by her side. Even though it is tough and it doesn't seem like she cares. she does, it is the disease that is taking over and making her seem unfeeling.

Hopefully her counseling and maybe some medication will help. Just don't give up. she does love you and your child and will snap out of this. It is a very difficult time of year, just stick with it.

Keep posting and let us know how things are going, we are here for you.

Luv and hugs, Karen
Posted Today 6:09 PM (GMT 0)

Thank you for the kind words.  I'm truly amazed at the strength many of you have shown during these difficult times.  I'm hoping I can show the same kind of strength.  I have a few questions if you don't mind:

1)  Is it common for the depressed spouse to push away their significant other?  It just doesn't seem like she loves me anymore (she says it but her actions say otherwise).  She often wants to get away from our house (even from our kids).  She has totally no affection for me (she will give me an occasional hug).  It really feels like we are roommates (this seems to be a common feeling for the non-depressed spouses).

2)  I'm worried that she is dragging me down with her.  I love her with all of my heart and would do anything for her.  However, I need to be strong for the kids.  Other than counseling, any other suggestions for keeping my sanity?

3)  Does the love really ever come back to how it used to be?  I love her and will support her through this but it is hard to fathom living the rest of our lives like this (the way my heart feels, I'm not sure I would last that long.  Feels like it's going to burst...which would at least alleviate this terrible pain I'm feeling inside).

4)  In general, how have so many of you stayed so strong for all these years?  Your experiences would be of tremendous help.

Thanks for letting me vent some more.  And thank you for your advice.

Posted Today 6:26 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Love,

Yes I believe that it is normal for her to push her loved ones away at this time, but I hope that she is still spending time with the little one. It would be horrible if she felt unloved.

I really think that your counseling will help you and give you support. So try to hang on to that thought. Your counseling should give you strength and you wont get dragged down with her, though that does happen. But in your case, I think you will be able to stay strong. Lets hope that continues.

Love changes and grows even without depression. It might not be exactly the same as it was before, it could be better in different ways. A more mature love, a more nurturing love. Let's see what happens when the time comes. I would try to take this one step at a time. I am sure when you go to your counseling, they will help you with that. It makes it more stressful when you worry about the future. One day at a time is all that you can do right now.

We all haven't stayed strong. We all have moments that are harder than others. But I think with the support of this group, we all have recovered in one way or another. We are all here for eachother and that seems to get us through. Don't get me wrong, this is a very difficult time of the year. And not all of us are up to snuff so to speak. It is stressful and we all work very hard to keep our heads above water. But we stick together and really try hard. It isn't always as easy as it sounds, but I think this is a marvelous group and we are all here for eachother. I am glad that you have joined us. We will help you as much as we can.

Make sure to give yourself a pat on the back for coming as far as you have. Living with a depressed spouse is no picnic. But it is so obvious that you love her and want things to work. Take it one step at a time and try to be there for her. Let you know that you love her no matter what. And keep us posted. I think that her going out of the house is a way of healing. Most depressed people don't even want to leave the house. What does she do when she leaves? Where does she go? These are things that you should also address with your counselor. I think that once you start getting that support, things will get easier for you. Just don't give up my friend.

Luv and hugs, Karen
Posted Today 6:40 PM (GMT 0)

When she goes out, she usually goes out with friends.  Her main reason for leaving the house is that it's a sad place for her.  I think when she is out, it helps her to forget about things.  However, she is starting to find more peace going out alone and being away from people.  She is starting to shut out her family (the parents live with us) and I know they are worried too. 

Now, we do have marriage issues also.  Nothing major...just the typical fights that couples have.  We always make up and keep moving forward.  However, it seems that this last fight we had just pushed her over the edge.  I'm not convinced (in fact, I'm pretty sure) that the fight we had is the whole reason behind her behavior.  Knowing her for as long as I have, there are definitely other issues.  If it were just us, she would still be doing the normal stuff with the kids (she loves them very much).  At this point, I'm pretty much doing everything for them (taking over her "mommy" duties so to speak).  She loves them so much that I know she wouldn't not spend time with them unless there were other things involved.

Having said that, based on the dramatic change in her mood/behavior (i.e., crying for not apparent reason, isolating herself from us, etc...), I'm definitely looking forward to her seeing her doctor.  In regards to that, should I call the doctor ahead of the appointment to let him know what is happening?  I want to be pro-active but don't want to overstep my boundaries, causing her to push me away even further.

Posted Today 6:43 PM (GMT 0)
Also, thank you so much for your words of encouragement Getting By. I especially like your "take one day at a time" approach. I'm stressing out so much about the future (and possibly losing her) that I'm losing focus on the her and now. We are going to get through today, and deal with tomorrow as it comes. Thank you...you are an amazing help to me.
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