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Grieving(its important that I vent)

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Posted 12/31/2008 5:39 AM (GMT 0)
CAUTION: emotional post about a family loss, I dont want to upset anyone or bring back memories for any of you...if you know what I mean... I dont want to upset anyone, but I need to vent. So I just wanted to caution people against reading this...



Umm...I REALLY need to vent. A few of you know the story about my Grandma..she passed away 3 1/2 years ago.. from cancer/some other things..

But, Im suffering from grief to the maximum level. I know most of you have experienced a death in the family/friend...so you probably understand. But, she was my best friend, my favorite person, the only one who understood me, the only one I opened up too, she was my Grandma.

The problem is that I've been grieving for SO long. Thats normal, but everytime I hear, see, smell, etc. anything and I think of her I start to bawl. I will cry harder than ever. The thing is, I spent the last 2 weeks of her life at her side. I was only 13. It didnt click that I would NEVER see her again. I didnt talk to her much those 2 weeks because she and I talked privately, and my dad was always around.

So, thats probably normal to feel....but I still remember EVERY detail of those 2 weeks. I can describe the rooms, what we were doing, where we were, the looks on peoples faces...I remember the days. I remember what I drew on the board in her room, what I was watching on tv, the shoes I was wearing, what she ate...EVERYTHING. I remember everything cry

What do I do? All I can do is cry....I have to wonder about it. What I wish I had said. Blaming myself. Hating myself for not being more mature. For not doing this or that....

Any advice other than the usual? I dont know what to do, I know grief is normal, but this isnt normal....

Sorry if I brought back your own memories, I only needed to vent because I cant stop crying.... eventually I will fall asleep with swollen eyes... cry
Posted 12/31/2008 6:11 AM (GMT 0)
Hi,

I can relate to your post because I also lost my grandmother who was everything to me (my best friend) 3 1/2 years ago! I felt the same way about her that you do about yours, and lost her to a vicious battle with ovarian cancer which I will not ever forget.

Although grieving is a normal part of life, it may benefit you to seek out some counseling to help you find some closure and be able to focus on more of the good memories with her, rather than the upsetting and traumatic memories burnt into your mind of how you lost her. If I thought of those things nearly every day, I would not be able to handle it. Too painful. Have you tried seeing a counselor to help you thru this?

Sometimes it just helps me to focus on all the wonderful times with my grandmother, and the fact that she is at peace and no longer suffering. I still miss her everyday, that will not go away, but eventually you will reach a level of acceptance and peace about it.

Love & Hugs to you,

4support
Posted 12/31/2008 10:31 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Tennis,

I think what I would do would be to write things down, it will hurt & be upsetting whilst you are doing it, but then maybe you would be able to put the memories to one side, but still have them their should you need them. There is no piont in thinking about what you could have done, because you can't change things - I kno that is easier said than done. But no matter what you could have said your Grandma knew the most important thing & that was that you loved her.

I think I am the opposite, I forget things, my Dad only died 6 months ago & there is so much I already am forgetting about him.
Posted 12/31/2008 2:37 PM (GMT 0)

TeNNis,

I understand and validate your feelings. I lost my Mother when I was 18 months old to a car crash, my Father to pancreatic cancer, my son to a car crash, my nephew to a car crash and my godchild to suicide........my oldest sister died in Nov of 2007 on Thanksgiving Day and now my only sister has ovarian cancer............so sweetie this is a trigger for me.  If I let my mind drift toward all the sorrow I will be one big puddle. 

I understand your pain.

Hugs

Kitt

Posted 12/31/2008 2:46 PM (GMT 0)
Heej Christi,

I have not much too add here. Grieving for such a long time and with that intensity isn't "normal", so maybe counselling can help.

And what keeps me up in those situation is just to think of that person. Those who truly love us wouldn't want to see us crying whenever we think of them. I believe, if they could see us, they would rather have as happy while remembering the good times we had together instead of crying over what is gone. That is what keeps me going.

Christi, please take care, and have a wonderful 2009!
Erik
Posted 12/31/2008 3:13 PM (GMT 0)
Christi,

There is no time limits on grieving. And a good healthy cry is good for us. So let the tears flow.

You could discuss this with your counselor. I think that the holidays bring back a lot of memories. So don't be suprised if you always think about her around the holidays.

I hope that you feel better soon., Smile sweetie, you are a wonderful person and your grandmother knows how much you love and miss her.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 12/31/2008 6:22 PM (GMT 0)

Christi, I don't have much advice, as I just recently lost a friend of 35 years.  As others said there is no time limit on grieving. My only suggestion is to go online and look for a group called Compassionate Friends. They are grief counselors and may have advice online that can help you. or you could get their phone# and call to see if they have a support group near you. I know the pain you are going through.  My Grandma died in 1963 but I still miss her terribly.  She was so wonderful to me.  I hope you can start to feel a little better soon.

Hugs,

Aurora

Posted 12/31/2008 11:45 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks guys

I just really had to get that out... Last night doesnt even seem like it was real to me, but it was real when it was happening to me.. I tried to think of everything positive but it only made things worse. That only reminded me how much I wish it could happen all over again.. I know how much she loved me, and how much I still love her. We had a special bond that only she and I knew about. I just wish I had gotten the chance to really appreciate her and be there for her and talk to her about stuff as an adult rather than a kid...

Im feeling better about it today. Its not really the holidays that brought it up, I dont remember how it started, but it happens often regardless of the time of year... I was just tired of holding it in.

One day, like someone mentioned, I got a notebook and started writing things down that I want to never forget when I get older. One of those things was about my grandma. I wrote down, in vivid detail, the 2 weeks I spent with her and I relived it so that I could write everything down. So, I have everything written down about her....

I'll be okay. I just had to get it out at the time.... thanks for all the support!
Posted 12/31/2008 11:56 PM (GMT 0)

TeNNiSd0C09 said...

I have to wonder about it. What I wish I had said. Blaming myself. Hating myself for not being more mature. For not doing this or that....

Any advice other than the usual? I dont know what to do, I know grief is normal, but this isnt normal....

you were 13. you are not meant to act mature- experiencing death at a young age is HARD. dont blame yourself- nothing you could have done would have stopped this. i understand, my grandma was my besty and she died a horrid death when i was 12 and i kept thinking "what if this? what if that?" but that thinking got me nowhere.

as others have suggested, i would look into counselling. but you have to stop blaming/hating and second guessing yourself. your grandmother would hate to think that you are putting yourself through that.

you are special, and as she was special to you, its gonna hurt. i would see a grief counsellor as you seem to be suffering.

Peace and blessings,

Maz XX

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