Depressed spouse, blames me

Glad I found this forum.

My wife was diagnosed with depression a month or so ago. We've been married 10 years and have 2 young children, 2yo and 11 months old. I noticed a significant mood/character shift in my wife almost 2 years ago, a few months after our first child was born. She became much more irritable, angry, and sad. I tried to be supportive, but also didn't like the way she was treating me. As time passed, it got worse, and I in-turn tried harder to be supportive, but nothing improved. It got significantly worse after our 2nd child was born. 5 months after that birth, when my wife was being very distant with me, I discovered she was having an emotional affair thru email with another man who worked in her building. It devastated me. She says it meant nothing, only happened for 2 months, but it didn't read that way at all, with lots of talk of sexual desires, fantasies, and expressions of true feelings.

She seemed to want to work things out with me, to make the marriage work, so I've been trying 100% to meet her needs, but things haven't improved much. I'm discouraged. I saw the depression diagnosis (which her doctor made a couple of months ago) as a possible reason for the difficulties, and a reason to hold hope that once/if we could address the depression, it would ease our marital problems. I ensured her I was 100% supportive and would do whatever I could to help her. I've been reading books on depression, trying to understand it better. This seems to make her mad, which I don't understand very well... but I now try to keep my efforts to understand the illness to myself, to keep peace. She blames me for the depression. She says I was/am too critical, not helpful enough around the house, etc. I'm trying to do everything I can, but it's never enough. Conversation always results in her interpreting what I say in the worst possible way, resulting in an argument. It's hard to communicate. She refuses all of the support I offer with respect to the depression (I've offered to accompany her to the doctor, talk about her feelings, get her out of the house, etc.).

We have been seeing a marriage counselor for a few months now. Not much progress so far. Lots of anger (from her) and tears (from both). She has no good memories of our marriage. She seems to see it as completely bad, now and then. It wasn't, then. I find cards/notes she wrote me just 2-3 years ago praising me as the best husband she could ever have asked for, etc. She's done a complete 180. I'm growing weary of trying to keep things together, but I know I have to be strong and try to be supportive if I want the marriage to work, because I'm the only one with the strength to do it right now. She resisted taking the medications prescribed for the depression for the first few weeks, even lying to me about it when I'd ask... but she now "appears" to be taking the meds.

I've tried being very emotionally supportive, her response was cold. I've tried giving her the space she asks for, she criticized me for being to distant. I keep trying to meet her needs, but it's a moving target. I feel unfairly treated, with the anger, cursing, hurtful remarks, and most of all the affair that I've had to suffer through... regarding which she's offered zero support to me.

How does a spouse support a depressed spouse when they don't want your support?

Hello Sangean,

Welcome to HealingWell and the Depression Forum. 

I am so sorry you are going through this tough time.

First of all I would like to say you cannot meet her needs as she does not tell you what her needs are and she is the only one that can make sure her needs are met.  In order to do this she needs to talk to you not yell and fight.

I admire you  for sticking with her and going to marriage counseling.  I am wondering if you have ever thought of individual counseling for yourself?

Living in a relationship with a depressed spouse is difficult. In our family I am the one with depression but I have loved my husband always and he has issues so we take care of each other.  Yes we have disagreements but we resolve them. 

We all have big dreams when we first get married but life doesn't always deal us the cards we want so we change our goals and learn to accept our life.

That does not mean our marriage was always bad because we did not get our pipe dreams.  Your wife has depression and she needs to do the work to get through this but depression does not give anyone the right to be abusive verbally and accusatory toward another.

You are not the cause of her depression so kick that thought to the curb.

It sounds to me like you are doing all you can but perhaps you may need to let her know that you will not be drawn into any arguments, that you will just walk away until she has calmed down and will communicate with you on and adult to adult level.

Screaming and fighting won't do either of you any good.  You both end up feeling worse.

Take care and stick with  us.

Gentle Hugs to you.

Kitt

 

Hi Lespaul,

I am sorry for what is going on between you and your wife, or what isn't going on. I am sorry that she feels the way that she does. But I am glad that you are keeping the faith, hopefully one day she will try medication and change the way she sees things.

Wishing you a wonderful day.

Hugs, Karen

Hey Sangean

I know it's been some time so you may not get this but what you describe is exactly what I am going through now so I was wondering - have things changed for you? What has happened in your situation. I am trying to pretty much what you say you were doing and I am praying that it works out but would be really interested to see what life is like for you now.

Thanks

Good Morning Ohio-Dawn and trotterlyon,

Welcome to HealingWell and the Depression Forum.  Sangean only posted the one time and never came back to the forum. I wish him well and hope things worked out between him and his wife.

I would like to invited both of you to feel comfortable in starting a thread of your own so all the members have the chance to meet you.  Please post your problems, questions, and vent away if that is what you need to feel better.

We are all here to support you so welcome aboard.

Kindly,

Kitt