No hope

Sometimes writing gets me to organise my thoughts. Not looking for help (no hope), blessings from God, or suggestions of self forgiveness. This is just anonymous sharing. Sorry if this post saddens anyone.
Background (30 years): I believe that I've sufferred from chronic, low grade depression (dysthymia, my GP says) for about 30 years. I have had major depressive episodes during that time, one of which almost led to my death 19 yrs ago (still amazed that I survived). Loss of love (rejection by me or of me), and feelings of failure are the triggers.
Recent past (last 10 yrs): Father, husband, new house, stable job...good times. Wife becomes frustrated, angry, hostile after first baby, but she refuses seeking help. I try to understand and help, but over 2 yrs it affects me/us. After a failed 2nd baby, which was hard on my wife, follows another pregnancy and her negative behaviour increases. I consider leaving. Then I fall in love with another woman that began working at my place, and she begins to love me. She offers me to be with her, and will help me be a dad, too. After 3 confusing years, our jobs moved. I could have gone to work with her, or be at a school where my kids will be attending. I was torn between a chance for love, and a sense of duty to my family, and with a fear of the damage my leaving would cause. I chose duty, and she and I rarely saw each other. She was deeply hurt. I never said, "Good bye" properly. I couldn't. I buried myself in my kids' lives (24/7), at their school and at home. My summers are filled with busy family work, but I fall into despair whenever I'm alone.
Currently: She's married. I understand. I'm glad for her. I'm devestated. I'm wracked with guilt and regret. I sought GP help. On Cipralex, max dose now. Must take care of family, but want it all to end. Can't face another lonely summer. Thanks for taking the time to read this sad post. Bye.

Thanks for your time.

Thanks, Kitt. I'm not in the US, but appreciate the emergency contacts. I have local contacts, and have been offered psych services, but have declined.
My post was not intended as a 'reach out'. It helped me focus my mind, even for an hour. That's what doing right now instead of sobbing and having panic attacks. And I just have no support with whom to honestly speak, to reveal details mentioned above, and those which you have suggested with the contacts. The meds don't seem to work, and I've not had positive experiences with short term counselling or psychiatrists. I' m glad that they work for others, though.

I'm also glad that living in the moment has helped you. I'm sure that it helps others. For me, 5 years of trying to live in my moments with my kids has kept me going, but I'm so tired. I just am overwhelmed, angry with myself, and want it all to stop.

Thanks, Becky. I'm still awake, 22 hours later. Don't know if today's insomnia is from the Cipralex or my anxiety. Yes, I do try to have a hobby: exercise, downstairs before the kids awake. 8 h sleep, eat well, exercise and I can get through a day. But when I'm hammered by a trigger event (wife's miserable, or see the other woman's name on a list..now with a new last name), I'm 'knocked off the log'. Severe mood downturns disrupt my routine. Hence I have not excercised, or eaten much, since Wed. I've tried other things, usually concurrent with my kids hobbies (eg piano), but I get 'mood' disrupted and don't continue. School reports were due Thu, but mine are not in. I can't be bothered. Just couldn't go to work Thu or Fri (and thank Goodness it's now our March Break). I feel pathetic, and everything seems unreal, like it's not happening, and I can't believe that I didn't go with her 5 years ago, and I can't stand that she doesn't love me anymore, that she loves another, and I can't go on, and that I'm letting my kids down if I completely fall apart, and I don't want to hurt my wife with the whole truth, and I want to die.

And I can advise myself, too. I know what a proper plan is: get stable with further medical intervention; wait again for the acceptance of her moving on and being happy (acceptance may come again); deal with the marriage issues (way easier said than done); keep loving your kids.

Yeh, I know the plan will work, but I'm so tired. I'm having my slight upswing, but it could crash again at any moment, up and down for days, weeks, months, years.

And now I feel together enough to enter the monster book store. Hope I don't see anyone that I know/teach/still love. Keep the shades on.

Thanks, Karen. I usually try to do 'kids first', although mental illness can interfere with what seems to be the correct action.
Just finished several anxiety attacks in the car while talking with my wife on the phone. Went over issues (that I mentioned in my earlier posts)(her idea to do it on the phone). No solutions, but no anger. She offered her feelings. Talked about hospitalisation tonight for me, but I'm going home again (no where else to go), and see what the night brings me. Maybe a few hours sleep. Go see the doc (GP) tomorrow.

Thanks for reading my rollarcoaster ride. It ain't over...

I appreciate your comments, Becky. Thanks.

Thanks, Raniah. Got a few hours just now. Maybe more tomorrow. My daughter asked me to keep trying, too. She doesn't know the details, but knows that I am unwell. Hope that you, a new member, too, are trying.

I appreciate your comments, Jezzie51. I am sorry that you have had such loss in your life. I'm impressed with your emotional strength, although you may not feel so strong at times, as you say.
My update: GP fit me in today, and with my more forthcoming personal info, he has asked me to go down to the hospital that has the Emerg Psych, for an assessment. He's worried that I won't make it through the night, hence the immediate referral. I went home to see my family, take out the trash and switch vehicles, and the docs all started calling, wondering why I hadn't arrived. Guess they keep track of people like me.
Feeling up and down, but more steady. Yet I know that hopelessness is right around the corner. So now I'm sitting in the Emerg Psych's interview room, waiting. To have complete strangers (I hope) probe me with invasive questions (yech). And the police just brought in a more serious case. Now I hear screaming/ranting down the hall. I've experience with kids having serious mental health issues, but it's about me now, and I just want to leave...but I'll give them a shot.

MY THOUGHTS Please keep us posted Am glad to see you seeking help. Just remember if you don`t get what you need keep looking. Never give up the fight against Depression. With support and proper guidance you can live a good life.

I'm still here in a Emerg Psych bed. Calm. As if I'm just 'hanging out'. Could be leftovers of the Adavan (sedative) I got last night. I did sleep more (6 hours).
Nevertheless, I'm not feeling hopeful, as I started getting more depressed and anxious as I went to get a coffee last night. I know that I could go 'sour' at anytime, which I have of the past 5 days.
I'm just chillin', glad that I have my phone and can get a solid data and voice signal in here.
Breakfast is served, but I still don't want to eat. I'm sure that the food is good, and the staff work very hard here, but I lack interest.
Maybe an extra large, garbage can sized tea...

You're right, Jezzie51. Decaf makes sense, although not eating means less energy, and that's where the caf is useful. Nevertheless, I'll consider decaf more.
I am hungry, but my self loathing causes me not to eat much, just crackers or bread to settle the stomach a bit. Kind of punishing myself, I guess.
I'm being moved to a psych bed upstairs. Still voluntary, but have been told that if staff consider me not ready to leave, and I try, my stay becomes involuntary. They are worried about my family's suicide history, and mine, too. My wife wants me to stay, too. Could be a few days, or weeks (yikes!).
Feeling very uneasy, but understand their position. I'm not a raving lunatic, but I have had a distressing weekend, filled with plans of ending my life.
I feel OK now, and want to go home. But everyone wants me to stay, so I'll stay. They nursing staff are professional and caring. Some of the docs so far, well, we might butt heads. I'll listen, but I won't be jerked around (treated impolitely...poor bedside manner). We'll see.

This is all overwhelming, but so is wanting to die. Getting to hospital was a prudent move.

Hi Mythoughts,

I am so glad that you posted. I think it is a wise decision to stay and see what there is to offer you. Hopefully you will get some good guidance there. Probably any medications that you may need. Keep us posted on how you are doing, and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Thanks again for posting.

Hugs, Karen