No hope

Well, Karen, this process is moving at a snail's pace. Only one week so far, but feels like forever.
I didn't even get to my discharge goals and plans with the doc. She just asked if I would be safe leaving, and I couldn't convince her that I was feeling safe. So the session ended, and I left frustrated.
But there's always tomorrow! I'll try again, and be more mindful of what I say, be clearer.

My family came by, and my wife looks exhausted. I try not to feel guilty, cause that is negative. She'll be fine, and the girls help out. Yet that guilty voice creeps in. I'll let it slip away again.

I do have privs to go off unit tomorrow to buy my wife flowers and a card for her birthday (tomorrow). A positive ending. Try to keep it positive. Brain so tired.

Thanks, Karen. I may have another week here. Whatever I need, I'm guessing. It's wierd having my life so 'up in the air', but it is better than the despair, or being dead.
Raining here, too. Nice view from up high in this hospital.

Hi Mythoughts,

I hope today was a better day for you.  Were you able to get the card and flowers for your wife?  I hope so....I can imagine that would give you a lift...and give her one, too.  You are right to keep working on this, and your health is one of the greatest gifts you can give to yourself, your wife, and your family.  Thank you for keeping us posted.....I think of you and always want to know how you are doing.  Glad to see that you are looking towards the positives in your day.  That is such a great step, and so important.  Sending best wishes your way.

Karen...just wanted to say hello, as I'm often posting after you and your warm and supportive posts. 

So I'm still in hospital, and happy that the doc has changed my status. I'm back to voluntary (from involuntary), so staying is my choice. And I will stay until we all feel that I'm ready to be home, with outpatient support.
But after a meeting (with the doc's team, my wife and I), my individual privs (go out alone for fresh air) were cancelled (and I just got them that morning). Doc says that during the meeting with my wife, I was not forthcoming enough, especially with my feelings.

2 steps forward, 1 back.
Working on my self esteem. No thoughts of death. But sadness still comes. So I accept how I feel, and make sure I don't twist my thoughts, to worsen the sadness, or anger.



Thanks for checking in on me.

Hi Mythoughts,

Like Karen, I am glad for the change in status (very glad!), and disappointed for you about the loss of privileges. At least they were honest about the reasons for their decision, and they've given you something to think about and work on as things progress. You're right....it's a "2 steps forward, 1 step back" kind of process, but you ARE moving forward and I can see that even from way over here! How's it going with the Dr. Burns Handbook? I hope you're still finding it helpful.

Keep the faith, Mythoughts. Your health is the most important thing, for you and for your family, and you're doing the right thing by continuing to work at this and finding some ways to ease your pain. I wish you continued healing and peace.

This site's support has been wonderful, Kitt. Thanks.

Karen & Raniah, you're right. There is forward movement. I was also frustrated, and at the same time I demonstrated how I've felt since I came in: hopeful. I'm voluntary again, and can leave if I completely disapprove of their decisions. But I won't. I disagreed with them, and talked for an hour with my nurse about it today. I can accept, but still be upset and disagree.

The personal insight continues: Since I was a small child, I was extremely emotional, and based my self worth on how others (friends, but especially adults) felt about me. So I was vulnerable to any perceived criticism. That criticism, or any frustration (challenge to my self image), would send me to tears (devestation) or rage (at me). An emotionally distant family, and the decision that noone listens to me, made me push everyone away. Then comes the loneliness, and without outside self esteem support, I felt worthless. So when I get involved with a woman, the cycle repeats. Work, too. And the real danger is what happens when my girls are teens, will this pattern repeat? Being aware is a start.
Time to make changes.

Family took me out for 3 hours (still got that priv for today, if I was picked up & dropped off by family).
Happy times, with some distance from my wife. Tried not to react, but just kept trying to get closer.

Thank you, Karen, Raniah & Kitt, for your support and good wishes.

Hi Mythoughts,

It is wonderful that you got to spend three hours with your family. You must have been so happy. I can only imagine. I hope that everything continues to go well for you. Keep up the good work. I can see that things are getting better for you.

Hugs, Karen

Mythoughts, you sound motivated, positive, and hopeful. And that is such a good thing! We're all here pulling for you. Thank you for the update.

Hi Mythoughts,

Just wondering how things are going. You are still in our thoughts and prayers.

Hi Mythoughts,

I am so happy that you got to go home. And that you will be home for good soon. I bet that is such a good feeling. Take things one day at a time and try not to think too much. The reason that I say that is because I have a tendancy to over think things and I found out that taking things as they come is so much easier. You have just been through a lot, so digest it slowly.

Keep us posted on how you are doing. I am glad that you will continue and that it has had a positive effect on you. We all benefit from it I think.

Best wishes for a wonderful day.

Hugs, Karen

Hello, Karen, Raniah and other readers. Thank you for checking in with me. 3 weeks ago I was having a mental breakdown and considering dying. Now I am still dealing with the sadness and anger, but with some basic insight and a connection to my feelings, yet without thoughts of death.

Long road ahead. One moment at a time. So tired at home.
Well, back to housework, and working on self esteem.

-mythoughts

Hi Mythoughts,

Karen is absolutely right! You've been through a lot in a relatively short time, and you need to be gentle with yourself and pace yourself, with all of this new information you've been given and all the new tools you now have at your disposal. I think the progress you've made is very inspiring, and I know you must feel a real sense of pride as you look back on the last few weeks and how far you have already come. Take it one day at a time, my friend, and remember to pat yourself on the back for all the little things along the way. I am still wishing you the very best, and hope you will keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

Hi Mythoughts,

I'm glad you posted. I can imagine that the transition from the hospital to home must be a little unsettling, but I feel confident that with a little time, you will make an adjustment and feel better for it. I hope you will continue to get lots of rest, as good quality sleep will help you to feel stronger and more positive. You mentioned in one of your earlier posts that you would have some counseling after leaving the hospital. Do you go back there for appointments? I hope that will help you to cope with the sadness you are feeling. I'm encouraged to see that you are recognizing triggers and twisted thoughts, and trying to realign those thoughts. As someone who also deals with depression, I do realize how vigilant we need to be about those negative thoughts and making sure we don't allow them to pull us down. You have made a lot of progress already, Mythoughts, and I know you are going to make it. Stay strong, stay with the counseling, and know that we all care about you.

Yes, your advice makes sense, Raniah & Karen. Home means a return to routines, and that is comforting. It also brought me right back to where I was 4 weeks ago, before the suicidal ideation... with that nagging sadness, and listless behaviour. My untwisting of my twisted thoughts continues, and that prevents the self harm thoughts from taking over. And that process is exhausting, and I don't always do it.

I also read up on what the doc mentioned (but did not dwell on), which is my "features of Cluster B Personality Disorders (PD)". These people have emotional disregulation (dramatic or erractic).

I found under Cluster B:
#1. Anti-Social (ASPD)... not me.
#2. Histrionic PD... again, no.
#3. Borderline PD... I seem to have 4 out of 9 features.
#4. Narcissistic PD... I seem to have 4 out of 9 features.
So, to 'be' any of the above, 5/9 features are evident. I guess that is why I have 'features', but not a diagnosis. Still, I seem close to having a serious clinical disorder.
Why can't I just be normal? Oh, well. I could be worse, and someday I'll be better. It just doesn't feel like it today.
I decided to go back to work tomorrow. I don't want to see anyone, which is my old rejection habit, so doing the opposite, ie getting back to work, could be useful. Bye.