No hope

Hi Mythoughts,

It sounds like you're having a tough day, and I'm sorry to hear that. I hope that your counseling will start soon (if it has not already) and that they will help you to cope with the sadness and troubled thoughts. Karen made a good point about keeping notes on things for your appointments. I do the same thing for my appointments with my therapist. It helps to keep track of things.....events, mood changes, etc.. In the meantime, I hope that things go well for you at work tomorrow. It's a brave step, and one you should be proud of. Please continue to keep the faith, and know that we are here for you. Thanks for checking in and letting us know how it's going. Best wishes to you, Mythoughts.

Your point about notetaking before therapy meetings is a helpful tip, Karen & Raniah. Therapy appointments give me hope, too.

Karen, I'm pleased that my return to work is positive for you. I know that your return to work will be successful. You always write with a positive, common sense style, which reflects your thoughts and actions. Such an attitude is a plus for employers, and will help in future interviews.

Work went OK, with happy students hugging me, and staff, too. Still, my sense of being lost, unloved and worthless (sadness) still lingers in me. It makes no sense. But I accept the sadness, without letting twisted thoughts from making it worse. Exhausting. I just want to sleep. Thoughts of death creep back, but I tell myself to stop. I try to see the positives.

Let's see what tomorrow brings... Thank you, Raniah & Karen, for writing to me. Your wisdom is inspiring.

I second what Raniah says Mythoughts. She took the words right out of my mouth.

I know that the right thing will happen for me as a job is concerned. It will be meant to be. In the meantime, I like you, are taking it one day at a time. Trusting that things will work out as they should.

Take care Mythoughts, have a good night sleep. It does wonders for the soul.

Hugs, Karen

Life has always worked out that way for me Raniah. And it worked out for the best in the long run. I feel very fortunate for that.

Hugs, Karen

Hi Mythoughts,

I think you have exhibited great strength by getting some help for yourself and going through all that you did at the hospital, including helping others who were there and struggling, too.  To reach out to others in need like that is such an amazing thing.  And now you are back at home, and back at work, all within a few days.  I don't think you are weak at all.....I think you are very brave, and should have a lot of pride in yourself for all that you have accomplished in this short time.

I don't know if it will help you to know this or not, but I have been dealing with depression my whole life, too, since I was a young child, and I am in my forties now.  I know what you mean about carrying the sadness with you.  I have found that in dealing with my darkest moments, and making my way through them, I have gained strength, and I do believe you will, too.  Like you, I rely on examining my thoughts and trying to realign them.  And I see a therapist, who is very supportive and patient with me, and who helps me to untwist those negative thoughts and see things the way that they really are. 

There is ALWAYS HOPE, Mythoughts.  There really is.  Please remember to take one day at a time.  It's not just a saying for me, it's a way of life.  Do whatever you can for yourself, on this particular day.  Try not to worry about how you will deal with tomorrow until it gets here.  And most of all, forgive yourself for feeling sad, or weak or inferior....and remember that to be where you are is a symbol of your strength and your desire to heal.

I wish you the very best, and I am so glad you are keeping in touch with us.

Raniah & Karen, your positive outlook is so encouraging for me. I appreciate the time you spend writing your posts.

I don't disagree with any of your points, about strength and living in the moment.

I am just still so sad and empty, even with the love and affection that I receive from my kids, students and co-workers. My wife offers me more affection, too. But we spoke of our difficulties last night, of my problems, and of her difficulty with my problems. And this morning she went through her grumpy/snappy/miserable stage with us all, and I felt that rejection again. I spoke to her about it at supper, but it got nowhere, and I became distant again. So we're back to barely speaking, and I got that hopeless feeling again.

Memories of times when I felt loved, with affection, fill my mind, and make me sad because they are just memories from years ago. So if I'm not loved without reservation, then I feel unloved (all of nothing extremes, I know are not healthy), rejected, and worthless.

Gotta work on that intrinsic self esteem. I'm running on empty.

Thanks, Karen.

She is back to being affectionate this morning. I just don't snap back so easily, but I always return the affection.

It's Easter Weekend, so I can focus on positive family times (whilst so sad inside).

Nevertheless, Happy Easter, everyone!

Hi Mythoughts,

Karen has given you such good advice here. I know it's hard to keep going while carrying the sadness inside, but there will be moments of contentment, and even happiness, for you to experience as you move forward. Please don't give up hope....you've travelled quite a distance in a short time, and your journey is only beginning! I hope you do focus on positive family times, and try to take each moment as it comes. Have a wonderful Easter weekend, and remember that we are here for you and wishing you the very best.

Hi Mythoughts,

I'm glad you're trying. I do know how difficult it can be when you're this low, but you ARE in a different place than you were when you came to us, and I'm encouraged by the fact that you see it, too. Please, keep trying, and stick with us here.

The day is awakening where I am, too. There is a beautiful blush of pink and orange on the horizon as I type this. I have to work today, but I am thankful for the extra hours and pay, and hopefully I'll have one or two favourite customers to brighten my time there.

What is it like being happy? I think it's different for everyone, perhaps......but for me, being happy is being able to see things that hold beauty...like this sunrise...and being able to experience gratitude......experiencing something that makes me smile......being able to talk to a friend and know they understand me.........feeling free and able to make my own choices.......those are some of the things that I associate with being happy.

I do experience anger and sadness, too, Mythoughts. I carry sadness around with me quite a bit, and yet, I have learned to love myself a little more and learned to find some happiness in the world - mostly in the small things - as I move through it from day to day. I know you will experience this, too......I really believe that.

Try to be patient with yourself, and have faith that things will get better. It takes time, and that may be the hardest part of it all.......but you will get there, and start to notice more changes in your thoughts and feelings about yourself and the world.

I hope that the counseling is taking place, or will be soon, as I think it will give you extra support and staying power when you're feeling down like this.

Please know you are in our hearts and minds. ((hugs))

Hi Mythoughts,

I don't know if you're still coming to the site to read posts, but I wanted to say hello and tell you I hope you're doing well. Please drop us a note when you feel up to it.

Hi Mythoughts,

I'm glad you posted! I've been wondering how you're doing.

I can understand why you might be anxious about missing work for your appointments, but try to remember that this is for your health, and that is the most important thing. By the welcoming reception you had when you returned to work, I'm optimistic that people there are understanding.

I hear you on the homework issue.....my therapist has had me do exercises with the Dr. Burns material and the Anxiety and Phobia workbook (I think that's what it was called....they were photocopied pages, although I did purchase Dr. Burns' book myself). It can be time consuming, for sure, but worthwhile, even when the exercises bring up difficult issues. I've found I've had to really pace myself with the material, according to my work schedule and how 'heavy' the issues were that were being addressed by the exercises. You're right in what you said....just do what you can!

I'm glad to read that your wife is seeing the MSW, and I hope it continues to be useful for her. It sounds to me like you have a good plan in place, working on things individually and then together. I also think it's great that you're having those open talks with your children. That's so important.

It's understandable why you're tired, with all of this work and your job and of course the emotional issues that come up day to day. However, don't forget to give yourself the huge credit you deserve for all of this hard work, and the courage you've exhibited in coming this far. Your story is truly inspiring, and I do hope you realize that every day you take a step it is a victory.

Thank you for the update. I'm so glad to know that you're continuing with everything and that you're doing well.

Hello, Raniah & Karen. Hope al is well with you. I'm glad that you've had success with those resources. That gives me confidence in trying them.

Now that I'm getting help, in the extreme, I am seeing:
an MSW every 3 weeks for longer term counselling, who thinks that I have had GAD (generalised anxiety disorder) since I was a wee lad;
a psychiatrist (just for the 6 week DBT) every 2 weeks, starting today, who today suggested that alexithymia (a trait of difficulty identifying & describing feelings) might be involved;
a psych nurse (DBT leader) tomorrow, who may say something else to add to the pile.

And don't forget the in-hospital psychiatrist, who had put me down as Mixed Personality Disorder, Cluster B (not a DSM diagnosis, but a record of my Narcissistic and Borderline features).
A confusing time. So I will try not to get bogged down with specifics, but accept that I have a spectrum of disorders, a plateful of issues off the buffet of maladaptive traits. I always take too much from buffets, and then feel yechy.

A relative today suggested that I just take 6 weeks off, while attending DBT, rather than half days 3 times a week while I teach, plan, and write June reports. Focus on me and the family.

Tempting, but I want to stick to a routine. It feels important to me. I'll reduce my extra-curriculars, though.

Thanks for reading. The change continues, slowly. Thank goodness for universal health care!

Hi Mythoughts,

I agree with you and Raniah about continueing to work. It gives us structure, and you know if the time comes that you can't handle it, you do have options. So I am happy for your decision.

You have come a long way since you first started posting. I am happy to know that. You have taken control of your life and are doing great. I know that life isn't perfect, but we do the best we can. And it is obvious that you are making accomplishments.

I hope that you have a great day. Thanks for the post, I wonder about you often.

Hugs, Karen