Wishes and prayers much appreciated. I enjoy these DBT meetings, thanks for asking.

I feel calm at them, my life is organised, I still get paid, and I can still handle various routine changes at work and at home. I have arranged my own parking spot at the Conservatory where my kids go for dance & music, which is near the hospital. Now my arrival in a downtown area is without a parking/lateness anxiety. The homework is thoughtful and I am hopeful.

I am still irritated easily outside of the sessions, probably because my sleep hasn't been uninterrupted and consistent in many months. But I am trying to have positive thoughts every hour, of which my phone reminds me with a doorbell sound.

So if I'm calm at these DBT sessions, then why is my jaw so clenched now at home? Well, I guess I'm anxious about applying these new strategies, and making changes. Anxious but hopeful. I try to remember:

This above all: to thine ownself be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man. (Polonius to Laertes, in Hamlet, Act III, Scene I)

Sorry. More Hamlet. Now I need to complete my Day Plans for tomorrow, and do my DBT homework, bath my daughter, feed the dog, get my clothes ready for tomorrow...

Hi Mythoughts,

You sound calm in your post (despite the jaw clenching!), and it seems that the DBT meeting had some positive effects that carried through after the meeting was over. “To thine ownself be true…” What a wonderful reminder you’ve given me. My mother was fond of saying that when I was young, and it took me a long time to fully understand what that was all about, and I think I’m still working towards a consistent level of authenticity. In particular, I struggle with being true to myself when it means that someone else may experience negative feelings in the process. I often go for the solution that presents the least amount of harm to the other person, but sometimes I end up doing this to my own detriment, and feel conflicted or even resentful afterwards. I find myself weighing the pros and cons, and trying to “pick my battles” wisely before acting or saying something, by using the well-worn questions: Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind? (I usually falter on “is it kind”, after answering ‘yes’ to the first two questions.) It’s a dilemma for me on a regular basis.

What a great idea to have an hourly signal to think positively! I have already seen a shift in your posts, in the way that you make note of accomplishments and things you are grateful for, even on the tougher days. I’m inspired by that.

It’s also good that you arranged for your own parking spot at the conservatory. There are times when you can’t put a price on finding peace of mind, and making sure you are not late or pressured (especially when you’re with your kids) is a great strategy.

I hear you on the sleep factor. I find that a lack of sleep (in hours or in consistency) really affects the way I feel, physically and emotionally. I also have trouble thinking clearly and focusing on tasks when I haven’t had a good night’s sleep. I have quite a bit of success with relaxation breathing exercises, and focusing on each breath as it comes, when I’m trying to unwind and get to sleep. I also use meditation techniques, such as repeating one soothing word or phrase in my mind, to clear away the mental chatter. That helps as well.

I hope your day is going well, Mythoughts. I really appreciate and enjoy your posts, and I look forward to reading more of them. Thanks for the inspiration.

Hi, Kitt. The sun was shining down today. Thanks. And we reviewed being Mindful of the moment in DBT, with a mindful exercise (not meditation, just being aware of what one is looking at or feeling at the moment. Not the past of future, like you, and others, have said.

Hi, Raniah. Deciding what is the right thing to do for oneself can be hard. The second part of DBT is Emotional Regulation, where we talked about the Emotional Mind, the Reasonable Mind, and the Wise Mind (a blend of the first two), and how difficult it can be to achieve the latter when challenged by others. And I'll try for a good sleep again tonight. We'll see. Thank you for your inspiration.

And Hi, Karen. Yes, home makes me clench the teeth, as do the sessions. It must be my anxiety in changing. The hope is there, a more positive outlook.

Must sleep now.

Hi Mythoughts,

I hope you were able to have a long, uninterrupted sleep last night. I appreciate your comments on emotional regulation, and I am wondering....does the Wise Mind use 'intuition' or 'inner voice' as a guide? I'm going to do some more reading on this, because you've piqued my interest.

Best wishes for your day. I hope you will find comfort in those 'hourly positive thoughts' you talked about. You've inspired me to face a couple of challenges today that I've been putting off, so I want to thank you for that. You continue to be in my prayers, as always.

Hi Mythoughts,

Being able to let go of the things that you cannot control is very freeing for the mind. Once you stop worrying about these things, your mind can rest. And it is like a weight lifted off of your shoulders. Really, I have experienced it. And it is hard, but it can be done. I do have help with medication, I am glad that I was given it.
Relax and enjoy. Easier said than done, I know. But it is reachable. I wish you the best.

Hugs, Karen

Dear Mythoughts,

It sounds like you had a good and productive day today. Me too! We had rain here as well, later in the day, and now it is very windy and just pouring. However, I really do like it at this time of year, when the cold is not so bitter. The best part for me is seeing how lovely and green everything is afterwards, and knowing that my gardens will be thriving from it.

I am so interested to read what you have to say, particularly about your DBT meetings. In fact, I have ordered a DBT workbook for myself, so that I can learn more and practice on my own. Your explanation, using the Venn Diagram as a visual, really made sense to me. I had to pause when you talked about being aware of how our thoughts and feelings are connected, because I know my feelings definitely play the dominant role. However, when I take the time to step back and examine those feelings, I can usually bring my thoughts into the game before I react too strongly (getting better with practice, and slowly). I have found that having someone to confide in about my feelings helps very much in this process, and dear Karen has been a great help to me in this regard.

I was particularly intrigued by what you said about inner voice being involved with mindfulness and the Wise Mind. That is what I had hoped when we first started discussing this…..and it rings true for me, because any time I have ignored my intuition or ‘gut feeling’, I have been truly sorry with the outcome.

You are right in saying that it is tough to link effectiveness with one’s actions and not the end result. I have had to learn this over time (and am still learning), and I do find that it makes an enormous difference in my ability to experience success and have strong feelings of self-worth.

I’m so grateful for your post. You have given me so many stimulating ideas to consider, and that is a welcome change for me lately. It’s been a while since my curiosity has been sparked like this. Your progress and commitment to your healing has also been very moving, and I wish you the very best as you continue forward.

Hi Everybody,

I am on the run today, I just wanted to wish you all a good day. I hope that everything is going well for all of you. I really enjoy this thread, and the positive attitude that everybody has.

Best wishes for a wonderful day.

Hugs, Karen

Hi, there, everyone. I do appreciate your positive comments, even those between yourselves.

I know that you will still stop to enjoy the moments, Karen, even though you are busy. As you sugggest, I'll try to let go of that which is out of my control (which is everything but my own actions).

Raniah, it is encouraging to know that you have a common struggle with feelings, thoughts, actions, and their effects on us. I am grateful for the sharing of your honest thoughts.

Akram, I am humbled by your comments. I do not consider myself as bad off as others, but that could be my low self esteem talking. I then remember to try and not compare myself with others. And then I remind myself to take my 'illness' seriously. I was detained for 3 weeks in-hospital for suicidal plans and maladaptive thinking. I guess that should mean something.

My sadness of Thursday returned this morning. Sadness is not a bad emotion. It causes me to feel like slowing down, withdrawing from others, which allows me to think about what the trigger(s) might have been. I can be mindful of the emotion, then let it become 'unstuck' and slip away, and go through my Emotional Regulation exercises. But today I've not tried my new techniques in a consistent manner. It is the return of my habit of letting the emotion not just linger, but loiter. I'll have to record the increase of thoughts of death in my Diary Card. Don't worry, I'm not making plans.

Well, I think the trigger is the same as yesterday. I feel lonely, rejected. I miss being close and intimate with a woman. My wife is often kind, caring, and loving, yet I don't feel intimacy, and I don't wish to initiate that level of closeness with her. I have anger, am unable to let go of our past deeds, am getting negative actions from her daily, and am assuming that the future will hold much the same. Radical Acceptance is needed here.
I'm where I was 8 years ago before I met 'her'. I remember how incredible it felt... having a women who just really dug being around me, even when life was not great. Yeah, having someone like that props up my ego. It's that habit of valuing myself because others love me. And that's why I wish for death without that external esteem building, because I feel that I have nothing to fall back on.

That's my homework. Myth busting. That last thought is an extreme (black & white) myth that needs challenging.

Still, having someone to hold, someone that digs me, and of whom I thoroughly dig, would be cool. Physical attraction is a part of that thought, too.

Ah, well. One day at a time. Hoping that tomorrow picks up. I hope that your days go well, too. And if they don't, I hope that you deal with them well.

Hi Mythoughts,

I’m sorry to read about the sadness you’re feeling. You are right…..sadness is not a bad emotion. I guess I just feel like I want to say something to lift you up, because I understand how it feels to have those emotions ‘loiter’ as you’ve said, and how they can cause you to want go into isolation to some degree. Feelings of rejection put me deeper than a lot of other feelings, and I’m afraid I can relate to what you’re saying a little too much to draw out any words of wisdom or inspiration right now. I’m sorry for that….I would love to bring some light into this post to shine on you in your sadness.

I’m glad you’re still keeping your diary. That is what I do, too, for my therapy sessions and for my own perspective. I think that some days it takes courage to write things down, when feelings are strong and the sadness is hovering. I admire you for your perseverance and your strength.

Your description of your anger and not being able to let go of past deeds really resonates with me tonight. I guess I’m in a bit of a funk myself, and it has to do with the past relationship I mentioned to you briefly before. As I wrote earlier, this person has been a longtime friend, and he continues to be a part of my daily life mainly because I live in such a small community, and because we live and work very closely with each other. When the romantic part of our relationship dissolved, it was a very upsetting time for me. We spent time not speaking for a while (that was my choice, because of the very bad time I was having with it), and a couple of months after that, I agreed to re-establish the friendship after some lengthy conversations which were initiated by him. I have tried to maintain this friendship with him, after finding it impossible not to run into him several times a week, and also because of the close relationship I have had with his relatives, who also live in the area. And yet, I am still experiencing feelings of bitterness at times about the way things were handled, and great resentment at times, too, about many of the circumstances that surround the situation. I am a strong believer in forgiveness and letting go of that which we cannot control, so this is stirring up conflict for me. I have the feeling of being a bottomless pit when it comes to this kind of rejection, needing the love from that other person to fill me up. I have had times in my life when I have not felt this way, and have had contentment and even happiness being alone for long periods of time. Unfortunately, this has not been the case for some time now, since the change in status of this relationship. There is so much more I could say, but typing what I have feels like too much already…..I feel like I’m opening tightly bandaged wounds for all the world to see.

I will try to end this on a positive note tonight. I can acknowledge that I am strong, and I have overcome many experiences of pain and betrayal in my life. I still have the ability to love, and I still have the ability to see beauty in the world around me each day. I am grateful for the friendship you have extended to me, and for the friendship of all of those who have comforted me at this forum. And I believe there is a purpose to all of this, even the moments of sadness, for they bring us an understanding of each other’s suffering and an opportunity to share and bond with each other.

I wish you brighter days ahead, and much hope and understanding in your continued efforts to heal. Thank you for continuing to post here. It has come to mean a great deal to me to share your journey, and I look forward to your updates.

Rania, Thank you for your kind words, btw I have shared this story before by the way on here but it is now burried between the other thousands of posts and it is so hard to find, so I understand if you never seen them before I can't even find them anway lol. I'v bin in heallingwell since 2005 so it has bin a long time, I can't always be here on these forums but whenever I come I always find great people here and great stories to read and writing down my issues for others to read and help me is a great tool I tried to use over the years, it really helps even more than psycologists, therapists and medicine. I really hate medicine lol I used to take over 6 pils a day and now I take none and feel much better my system is clean now.

btw I like your moto: "living one day at a time" I try to do that as much as I can thesedays and it really helps.

mythoughts, I'm sorry to hear that your going through additional and hurt as a result of your wife's critisim as if you haven't had enough of that already, I hate critisim too, usually from my mum because I don't work, it gets to me so easily so I pretend I'm not hearing anything and keep silent to avoid more critisim or arguments and wait untill she forgets the subject, sometimes I try to change the subject politly but that doesn't always work, the silent treatment usually works better for me. if you feel that your wife's critisim is un-called for, and argueing doesn't seem to help, try giving her the silent treatment untill she changes the subject instead of defending yourself, I don't know if it will work for you but it seems to help me in some situations.

and about running into your ex-girlfriend I would not worry too much about it if I were you, I mean what's the worst that could happen? you might exchange some nice words and it might be even pleasant I don't see anything negative happening as a result. if it makes you comfortable maybe you could pretend that you didn't see her and wait for her to make the first move and then react to that.

and your right about not worrying about the future, you say that your expecting to have another 30 years of misey with her but you never really know what could actually happen, maybe you could break-up or even get closer to each other, let faith decide that don't worry too much about it, yes being mindfull of the present sounds much better in that case :)

and good luck with next week's conferences, I hope you will have the time to get things organized for that in time.

Hi mythoughts,

I am so sorry that your wife is being so hard on you. That just doesn't seem fair. Maybe you can ignore what she says and just continue to move on with your progress. You are doing so well, and I would hate to see that reversed.

I am happy that you got out last night and defused the situation. That is good for you. You are such a wise man, and it sounds like your wife is a bit jealous of your acheivements. Otherwise she wouldn't be so critical.

Keep up the good work, don't let her get you down. You are doing well my friend, and we are all so proud of you.

Hugs, Karen

Mythoughts,

Have you ever thought about laying it on the line. Write a list of all that you do around the house, and the next time she says that you don't do enough, start reading off the list. Write what she does, I bet that list is short. Maybe it is time that you stood up for yourself. It might make life easier. Just a thought...

Hugs, Karen