No hope

Hi, Karen.

The list is an interesting idea, which I have done.
And her list would be long, too. She works hard, as do I.
I have made such lists, sometimes everyday for 2 months to show her what I do. Then I felt like I was reporting to a supervisor, and stopped.

Nothing changes, as I can't control her.

Thanks for your time, and your help.

Thanks, Raniah. I'm sorry that your situation did not work out. Amazing that we have to prove our worth to people, and cannot just be accepted. Maybe we cannot just accept ourselves, hence how can others accept us?

DBT will be teaching me radical acceptance, where one just accepts events as they are, to free ourselves of being enslaved by life's triggers, our interpretation/judgements, and the emotions and behaviours that follow.
"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so". - (Hamlet, Act II, Scene II).
But how do I accept my wife's behaviour? And even if I do, how do I become close to her again? Or to anyone again? When is the crap too much?

Yech. I think my posts are a bit of a bummer for all of you readers. Sorry.

There is no one solution, Raniah, but thank you for the wish.
"Though this be madness, yet there is method in 't.". - (Hamlet, again, Act II, Scene II, again).

Man, I'm into the Shakespeare of late.

No apologies are necessary, Mythoughts. There is comfort for all of us in knowing that we share common experiences, no matter how good or bad they are.

I share your bewilderment with respect to accepting behaviours that impede intimacy in a marriage. In the case of my own marriage, the "deal breakers", if you will, were physical and emotional abuse that continued after months of marriage counseling and years of trying to turn things around. Despite the fact that I had to leave for my own safety, it was still the most painful decision I've ever had to make.

I am expecting my DBT book to arrive tomorrow, or by Tuesday at the latest. I want to have an opportunity to read some of it and perhaps go through some of the exercises before my next appointment with my therapist, so that I can talk with her about it with some understanding and appropriate questions in mind.

By the way, I love the Shakespeare. Feel free to keep it coming.

mythoughts

Good Morning, I just wanted to pop in and let you know that I have been following your thread and I am glad to see you have such wonderful support and words of wisdom from Raniah and Karen.  They say it all so well and I agree with the wonderful advice you have received.

Please know that I care and you are in my prayers.  Stay strong and keep on making progress, one step at a time.

I wish you peace and happiness.

Gentle Hugs
Kitt

Dear Mythoughts,

I just reread all of your posts.................wow.  You have such great insight and yet you have so many of the same feelings that I myself have and understand.

I am sorry for not getting to this earlier as I had promised to come back and post to you but you see my sister died on Thursday 4/30 after a courageous battle with cancer.  The cancer won and I cry. I have lost both of my sisters and my one brother in the past 17 months and I will admit that I am scared.  What about me?  But hey I am going to continue to live my life as well as I can and kick the stinkin thinkin to the curb.

We lost a son in a car crash in 1990 and to this day I cry but I cry alone now.

You will find my style of advice and writing is much different that Karen's or Raniahs.................I am a nurse and worked ER for 26 years as a bedside nurse and as the nurse manager of the department.  We use a bit of tough love and I will try to be very careful not to offend.  :)

I have always had a problem with self esteem as I was raised by a stepmother that was jealous of me and convinced me I was a fat pig and that I never worked up to my ability or did anything right.  My birth mother was killed in a car accident when I was 2 and my siblings were raised by their Father.  I was raised by my Father and I was his only child so I was raised as an only child. All I ever wanted was to be part of a happy family.  My Father was a kind and loving man.

I went looking for love in my teens as I knew by then that my Mother was a functional alcoholic and I stayed out of her way.  I married my first husband when I was just 17 and for 7 years life sucked.  We had 3 children and everything that went wrong was my fault.  Much like living with my stepmother.  I was anxious and I hated my life with this person...............but what was I to do?  I finally fought back and got a job in a factory and divorced him.  I took my beautiful children and moved to a different city.  Along the way to divorce I made many mistakes for which I am not proud.

I married my second and current hubby in 1971 and we have been together ever since but I had learned that life is not a honeymoon for very long and I had to make many compromises.

We have one son together so we raised 4 wonderful children.  My hubby is anti-social so I went to many social gatherings alone.  I would feel alone in a crowded room.

When our oldest left home I had my first major melt-down........the empty nest syndrome brought out my depression and that was 27 years ago.  I really did well on meds but never got into therapy until 3 years ago. 

I had played the actress for so long, pretending I was confident and full of self esteem until I could play the part no longer. I crashed major. 

Therapy taught me much but the one thing I have learned and that I now accept is that I have depression and that I will never give up on me.  I am a good person and I will survive.  The tough times suck, but the good times make it better.

You are a good person and you have so much to offer.  Please learn to accept that you have a mental health disorder but hey for us that is normal my new friend.  We can deal with it. We have the power within.

My hubby gets all frustrated and sometimes blows up saying he cannot deal with me and I cry and feel very guilty but then I get a grip and think to myself, hey girl, your not making things any better by asking why me over and over.

I am normal for me and I will always reach out and ask for help.  It is there for a reason..................so don't you ever give in to the depression.  Sometimes we have to make decisions for our own sake and you may have to deal with your wife but you can do this.

One step in front of the other......babysteps, Mythoughts..........they will help you climb mountains.

See the happy person, be the happy person............and I mean feel the goodness that you have and deal with the down times as they come for they are part of who you are.

Many hugs and love to you,

Kitt

mythoughts, about the bumper no need to appologize, yes we are offcourse very excited to hear how you are improving, but we also know that in life we will continue to run into set-backs and challanges. I guess this reminds me of the saying "1 step forward, 2 steps back" but I think in your situation it's more like "1 step back, 2 steps forward", yes my friend I think your setbacks are less than your postive steps that you have made. remember where you were when you first came here to healing well before you went to the hospital and how you are doing today.

Karen, I'm sorry to hear about your other sister and brother who also passed away in the past 17 months, one blow after another as if you had not had enough sadness in your life like what happened to you son. and how you grew-up without your birth-mother, you must be a very brave person able to live with what your going through everyday, and it's really good to hear that your still fighting against depression not giving in, I hope you continue to do so, your in my prayers.

Rania, good luck with the DBT course!

mythoughts again, let us hear from you I hope today was better for you, but if it's not we still like to know anyway , we can have set-backs but we should not let them win or get in the way of getting possitive ones. please continue to share both your setbacks and good news with us , thank you!

Hi, everyone. Thanks for keeping up with me.

Kitt, I am in awe of your life experiences. Your many challenges are clearly painful, and yet what you gained from it all is humbling. Would you like to record it all in a book? You have such important knowledge that could be passed on to others like us. If you do decide to become an author, I'd like to get a signed copy, if possible. Regardless, I gained immense respect for you with what you shared. Again, I offer my deepest sympathies for the recent loss of your sister. Thank you for checking in and sharing with us during your time of grief.

Raniah, I listened to the song using the URL that you provided. It was beautiful, and had meaning. I do understand that not everyone is dangerous. I radically accept that fact.
The DBT that you received would be exciting (I love getting things in the mail, kinda like Christmas), and is probably detailed. I am doing it by attending: 3 Targets for Change meetings before it actually began; 18 afternoons (2.5 hours per half day), 3 per week for 6 weeks, with homework and Diary Cards daily; a meeting with the clinician for 1 hour a week, and with the psychiatrist once per 2 weeks; and there may be follow up meetings after it ends. It is intensive when done in this manner, with some time off work, and I'm considering taking full time off.
I enjoy it, and I'm not trying to dissuade you, but I'm thinking that you may need months of doing it little by little, on top of your normal routine. I'd love to help if I can.

Akram, thank you for your encouragement. Yes, 1 step back, 2 steps forward seems right. Your reminder of the mess I was in March, in comparison to now, also was useful.

As for me, I'm not sleeping well due to sadness and anxiety about marriage, love, loneliness, work (basically, low self esteem), so I'm beat.
DBT today was about Observing without judgement (Mindfulness), to find oneself in the centre of the moment, seeing the feelings (both sad and happy), thoughts, and concerns go by like cars of a train, and I'm just the railway tracks... letting go the good and the bad. It was also about building positives in daily living (Emotional Regulation). And we began Distress Tolerance, with the use of distraction to get us through a crisis that we cannot change. (Whereas a crisis that we can change does not need distraction. It needs action.) So the Wise Mind distracts us from the unchangeable crisis with ACCEPTS (Activities, Contributes to others, Compares to others less fortunate, uses opposite Emotions, Pushes away worry, uses distracting Thoughts, and feels Sensations). More homework.

I have to go tuck in my pre-teen daughter. She still prefers it, but I can't tell any of her friends. Take care, all.

Hi Mythoughts,

Thank you for your comments about the DBT. It really does sound intensive in the way that you describe it, yet I can see that it would be effective for someone to be regularly immersed and guided in that way. I didn’t take your comments as being dissuasive……rather, I felt encouraged by the idea that I should take as much time as I need to study and practice. I’m also going to discuss the concepts with my therapist at my next appointment (in a couple of weeks). I feel that your suggestion to do it little by little, on top of my normal routine, is wise and fits with my plan. And….I truly appreciate your offer to help me. I may take you up on that, with some questions as they arise....so thank you.

I’m sorry that you’re not sleeping well, although it’s certainly understandable, given the sadness and the stress. I hope you’ll be able to relax and sleep more consistently, because good quality sleep can have such a great effect on mood and perspective.

It seems that we are required to surrender a lot in our efforts to achieve our goals through DBT. (I see this as a positive.) To be able to let go of the angst, the expectations, the need to fix or control that which cannot or should not be fixed/controlled….what a wonderful thing that would be…..and what an awesome challenge, too.

I can handle the ‘distraction’ method quite well, and have practiced this with success on many occasions. Music has been a great source for me…..and I find that long walks in the woods provide enough beautiful sights and sounds to soothe my spirit, as well.

Thank you for the continued explanation of your meetings and practices. I find it really interesting. Thanks also for mentioning your bedtime ritual with your daughter….I thought it was very moving, and it made me smile.

Have a wonderful day.

Good evening, Mythoughts,

You do have a great deal on your plate. It’s always been my opinion that teachers have one of the most challenging and important jobs out there, and having a few teachers in my own family, I do know how intense some of the parents can be. I hope that the skills you are developing through your sessions will help you to cope with the open house tomorrow. It’s good that you will have the clinician and psychiatrist appointments afterwards, and I hope they will be able to answer your questions in a way that will be helpful, and even comforting and positive, for you.

I’m also glad to read that your wife was able to care for the girls despite her illness, and that she didn’t criticize you for not being there. I would certainly view that as a gesture of support for what you had to do at school this evening.

It’s great to know that you are reaping benefits from your time and efforts here, and that you provided the url to your group members, as well. It’s certainly been helpful and comforting for me to connect with others who share my feelings, concerns and experiences. I’m sorry that you still miss her, and feel a lack of connection in your life because of her absence. I feel your pain.

Good luck with the open house tomorrow, and with your appointments, Mythoughts. You continue to be in my prayers, as always.

Thanks, Raniah and Karen.
Yeah, still awake at 1 am.

Hi Mythoughts,

Good Morning.  I am glad you are working through the DBT and it sounds like a lot of homework.  I hope you are doing the homework without letting it stress you out.  Please remember therapy should help you and just let your thoughts flow, don't overthink them.

As most members who have been around for a bit know I am a firm believer in staying in the moment however I fall out frequently and have to get back in a good place.

When we are fully in the present moment our minds are focused on what we are doing and not frantically jumping from the past to the future.

When we are focused on the task at hand, we do things for the joy of doing them, and not because we expect anything in return for our action. When we do this, even small and seemingly insignificant things can become acts of joy and beauty.

Whereas, if we can just learn to relax and enjoy the moment for what it is, we will naturally become happier and more accepting and less demanding ourselves. We will be able to see the other person's side of things and point of view, and this helps us to be more compassionate and understanding people.

It's really important for myself to be able to stay in the moment. I have found that by avoiding things like dwelling on past or worrying about the future I am usually able to get done what needs to get done when it needs to get done.

Within the past couple of days I keep finding myself not staying in the moment. I'll catch myself thinking about past situations that didn't go the way I wanted or things that I feel guilt about.

This usually starts a vicious cycle of me feeling bad about myself, avoiding doing something that I'm supposed to out of lack of confidence, and then dreading what the future will now hold because of my lack of action. For instance today and tomorrow are my sister's visitation and funeral and I decided I would not be able to make the trip but now I am starting to struggle with the what if's and how could I have made this decision this past week.  So I am feeling bad and need to pull back to the moment, now, and stay in it. 

If you can learn to stay present in the moment then you can rapidly and gracefully change your life for the better! This sounds a lot like what you are learning and I wish you the best as I know you will make it through.

We are all here to help you.

Warm wishes,

Kitt

 

Hi Mythoughts,

It sounds as if you had a very productive day. That is great. You have so much going on. Remember to make time for you.

You are working so hard at healing and it is nice to see the process happen. Keep up the good work. Remember the mindfulness. That is wonderful.

Hugs, Karen

Good Morning Mythourghts,

I am enjoying reading your daily progress report and yes each day you are making progress.

Adaptive behaviors are developed to help living things survive and progress. They are positive responses to stimuli. Maladaptive behaviors aren't positive in that they aren't positive and undertaken to increase chances of survival. Maladaptive behaviors in response to stress or anxiety for me include nervousness, excessive worrying, and low self esteem.

Like you, Mythoughts, I am a work in progress and I do work at learning to turn my negatives into positives.

I wish you a warm and sunny day.

Kitt