No hope

Yes Raniah, I find that there can be 'pay-offs' for maladaptive responses to crisis, but these pros are usually short term. Examples are my avoidance of dealing with emotions, and my isolation. I feel safer immediately, but end up sadder and in a worse crisis in the long term. And the cons for useful distress tolerance are usually the effort required to do something new, and the negative reaction I receive from others.
Knowing both sides of all my choices should help me see things more rationally, honestly, and still pay attention to my feelings.
You and I have very similar maladaptive behaviours.
And the open House was fine. I saw a few parents, and my girls. The former asked me how I was, and the latter asked for money for the 'French Cafe' (bake sale) in the large gym. So it goes. Thanks for asking.

Kitt & Karen, your words of encouragement are always a comfort. Thanks.

As for an update, I spent the eve with my wife's family, and this time stayed at the 'adult' table, trying to participate in conversations, whilst the kids played downstairs. I usually just join the kids. I find the adult conversations very boring, as they just yack about work and people I don't know, but I did the opposite behaviour as per DBT.
Now I'm home alone, after cutting the grass. I'm almost always with the kids, even at their afternoon music and dance lessons. But my wife took 'em, as she does not work today, and was meeting her family or lunch. I like being here by myself. Maybe it's my isolation habit, but being by myself is either great, or awful. Black or white. Oh, well. I'll keep looking for the grey.

Enjoy the weekend, everyone.

And early Happy Mother's Day to all.

Hi Mythoughts,

It sounds like things are going rather well for you at this time and I am so happy for you. I am glad that you go to the functions with your girls, but also am glad that you have time alone to reflect. You have been working very hard and it is paying off. I am very happy for you.

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. It is so interesting to read about your progress.

Hugs, Karen

Hi Mythoughts,

You’re absolutely right….avoidance and isolation can wreak havoc on a person in the long term. I’m very much an introvert, and value spending time alone (although I do enjoy social interaction in a small group, or on a one-to-one basis in particular), and so I have to be vigilant when I’m depressed to make sure that my very necessary ‘alone time’ doesn’t cross the line into ‘detrimental isolation’. As with most things in life, it’s a balancing act.

As for the cons of useful distress tolerance techniques, and the negative reaction you receive from others, I do have a question, and hope you will feel comfortable answering it. Is the reaction to your new behaviour a negative one because you are doing something different than you normally would in that situation? In other words, is the reaction negative because you are breaking patterns which have been established in the relationship? The reason I ask this is because I have found, when changing my maladaptive responses to more appropriate – or healthier – behaviours, I have sometimes received negative reactions from others because they are thrown by the change in the status quo.

I had to laugh at your description of the ‘adult’ table at your family function. I’m sure lots of people can relate to your experience (myself included). Good for you, trying the ‘opposite behaviour’, even though it was akin to watching paint dry. I find that kids are often more spontaneous and creative in their conversations….LOL. Maybe that’s part of your joy in being a teacher.

I hope your ‘alone time’ was productive for you….giving you a chance to reflect and process your thoughts in a helpful way. Thanks for the update, and I wish you a Happy Mother’s Day, too.

Hi, Raniah. Yes, the negative reactions that I sometimes get from my wife are due to my positive changes, I think. Next time that I feel that way, I'll check it out by asking her if it is so. Maybe I'm misreading her (another DBT Distress Tolerance skill).

Hi, Karen. I appeciate your compliments and support. Thank you.

I'm currently at my wife's mom's for supper, with all their close relatives. I'm in another part of the house, as I find them overwhelming at times. But I'll rejoin them now for tea and the 'watching of the paint drying'. Or maybe I'll have a nice time. I'm keeping an eye on my youngest, as she is envious of a baby, and she has already slipped away to hide. Hmmm, like her dad. So I coaxed her out again, and now to do the same for myself.

Bye.

Mythoughts, I too find it funny how you describe the "adult table" that reminds me of my late teens, in family gatherings I would not fit in either with the kids nor the adults, I was too old for the kids so I had to go sit with the adults whom I didn't have anything in common with, and it was boring lol.

I second what karen says, maybe you don't feel the improvements now but soon you will, if you keep going in the right direction. and about your wife, give her time I think she will start to see you difirently, I know it is hard how she is treating you, but please don't give up, life for you is very hard now. I'm like you too people tell me I am much better compared to last year but I don't feel it, but I know they really meant it so I must be doing something right.

also It's nice to see you bounding with rania, you two sure do have a lot in common, I enjoy watching your discussions, they are very interesting. I think friendship is the strongest kind of weapon we can use to fight this depression, by seeking help from others and sharing our troubles, with someone who understands and cares.

you said "your youngest is envious of a baby" hmm you mean the baby is getting all the attension from everyone right? yea that usually happens a lot, babies are the cutest aren't they :) I guess sometimes we can't help it, but I'm sure she knows how much you love her.

Karen: I second what mythoughts said, your not swimming in the mud, it's just a feeling I think. I always find what you have to say to be interesting and wise! you speak from experience and from your heart. you should continue to share your advice and what you think, by the way there is a new follower of you on twitter, I hope that you don't mind me following you :P

Mythoughts, I just want you to know that your one of the people who inspire me, Your "were" in a very bad situation, but you were brave enough to fight back , for the sake of your family. you feel distant from your wife but you fight back and try to work things out. you remind me about what martin luther king said "I Have a dream", one of your dreams is that you could get close with your wife again, and I really think it is possible, but It may take hard work from both sides. remember others could have walked away, but you didn't, because your not the quiter type, your a fighter, you just ran into some really bad times. it would be so much easier to give up on all the things you love and just surrender, but you decided that your family is important, you love them , and based on that that love you decided to go on and continue your journey, and your now trying to become the best you can be, your also socalizing with your wife's family, even though your not very into them as you describe, that shows how much you care about your wife, and in-time she will understand that hopefully.

good luck to you, and keep us posted

PS: I just want you to know that I'm reading all your posts even though I don't always comment, because sometimes I don't have anything usefull to add, after all rania, karen and kitt are doing a fabiolus job!

Oh...I forgot to ask you something. It's been mentioned to me that once this thread reaches two hundred posts, we will need to start a new one. I think you mentioned a while ago that you were thinking of re-naming this thread "Hope" (as opposed to "No Hope"), and I wonder if you would feel comfortable starting a new thread for yourself with that name, or another name of your choice. It's your thread, and your decision, but I thought I'd give you the 'heads up' on the 200 post limit, anyhow. Have a wonderful day!

This  thread is locked 2nd degree to length, please see follow up thread:

https://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=19&m=1470489