I'm new here and don't quite know how to start out. I'll just come right out and tell my tale. There's something wrong with me. I don't really have anyone to turn to. No one would understand. I returned from Iraq 6 months ago. I'm 22 and feel like my life is over. Don't get me wrong. I don't want to kill myself or anything like that. I just can't seem to move on with my life since Iraq. I spent 15 months in a rough part of Baghdad and experienced quite a bit of hardship while I was there. I'm shaking and my heart is pounding writing this now. I've never told anyone about my experiences there. I've seen so much death and horror over there and think about it all the time. I can't count the number of bodies I've seen. I just remember so many faces. When I encounter someone these days I tune them out and imagine how they would look dead. I was never like this before. I think I'm warped now and feel sad for having such a thought. I remember trying to treat a 4yr old boy who took shrapnel to his abdomen from an insurgent motar attack. I cant effectively explain how a person's eyes change as they reach the point of death. I remember that when the kid died I just calmly got up, walked over his body, grabbed an MRE, and ate it all while standing over and staring at his lifeless body. It hadnt bothered me at all what had just happened. I feel sorrow now for not having cared then. It bothers me now that I'm so numb. I've had some of my closest friends die over there. I often find myself feeling so much sorrow over the things that occurred over there. I just don't know when I will stop being sad. I dream about Iraq all the time. I decided to write this after my latest dream. I dreamt that I was standing in the open bs'ing with my buddies when we began to take incoming mortar fire. I hit the ground and began to dig my face into the dirt trying to get as low as possible. Then my buddy got blown apart, time slowed down, and I felt the shadow of the next mortar come over my body. It was coming for me and there was nothing I could do about it. I just could not sink into the dirt any lower. Sheer panic. I don't know what to do to get over this all? I can't bring up my problems to my superiors. Then everyone would think that I'm weak. I don't want to be labeled. I've tried to bring up my feelings to my wife but she can't understand or relate at all. In fact, she added to my sorrows while I was there. I found out that she had cheated on me while I was deployed. I came back home for a 2wk R&R after being gone for twelve months and had what I thought was a 2nd honeymoon with her. The day I returned to Iraq I found out that I had clamydia. I had to spend the next 3 months trying to find a reason to live. The love of my life had cheated on me with a perfect stranger while I was getting shot at and having my soul decay one day at a time. Her excuse was that she was "lonely" and that I "just wasn't there". Remembering these words brings me to tears. My wife was everything to me. I needed her so much and she stuck a knife in my heart. I have never really forgiven her for it so much as I've just stopped talking about it. I'M JUST SO SAD. I can't stop thinking about the past. It's just one horrible rerun in my head. I have so much anger for anyone who can't relate even though I know they are not to blame. I get angry when civilians come up and thank me for my service to the "country" and for "freedom". I get angry at my wife when she says I have an anger problem. She helped create the monster in me. I get angry when I see people smile. I'm writing this to relieve some stress. I'm a a loss and feel like my soul has flown the coop. I'm drained. Thanks for listening