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Posted 4/13/2009 5:27 PM (GMT 0)
Hello everyone again!

Thank you so much for the responses on my first blog. I read all of them and it made me feel a little better. It's weird how it makes you feel better when you know you are not the only one going through this.

My weekend was a wreck. I got into an argument with my boyfriend because I was having a bad day, so I took it out on him (of course). I didn't really talk to him all weekend because I felt like I needed some space or something? It's like I am detaching myself from him and I don't know why. (sigh) so Friday, my friends dragged me out to go out with them and I just didn't have a good time. I tried to cheer up to have some drinks but it made it worse. I know that alcohol is a depressant and you feel worse afterwords or even during sometime. Saturday, I felt much better and wanted to go out. I was in a somewhat good mood, I had a few drinks and at the end of the night some jerks decided to comment about my weight. I just walked home and cried like there was no tomorrow. I was crying not because those guys were being idiots because I am far from being a "fat ass" as they said but it was just from all the emotions that was built up inside. I don't cry a lot, I just hold it inside and get angry instead. Then Sunday, I just laid all day on the couch and slept and watched movies and slept. I did not want to do anything at all. I was so bummed about Saturday night that it made me even more sad. Ok, I will admit that I do have an image problem and I care what people think of me. I get very insecure if someone gives me a compliment. I always think that they are making fun of me. I think I got it from when I was engaged to a NFL player and I had to keep up with my image because I was always in the public with him. After we broke up, I let myself gain a few pounds and kind of let myself go because it was a lot of pressure to look beautiful all the time. So now that I don't look as good as I did, I get insecure. I am not sure though.

But besides that, I went to a therapist in the past and she kept talking about my child hood and not the present. I went there about 5 times and it pissed me off because it didn't seem like it would help me at all. So I stopped going. Then, I tried to go to a hypnotherapist and he kept trying to heal "the little girl" inside me. Once again it was all about my childhood! I think it just made me feel even more crazy bc I started getting thoughts as in my family is bad or something when they did nothing wrong. So once again, I stopped. Do all therapists talk about your childhood? Maybe I should go see a hormonal doctor? It just makes me feel like I am going completely crazy. I know something is not right with me and I don't even know what normal feels like. Is that depression? Bipolar?

One more thing, the weird thing about today. As I was getting ready for work I started to think what it would be like if I didn't live on this earth anymore. What if I just disappeared, would that be selfish to my family? Would that be an easy way out? Now now, no I WILL NOT kill myself but this was just the first time that I got these types of thoughts and it scared me! I just looked at myself in the mirror closely and just told myself I am crazy for having those thoughts and that everything is ok. And now I feel ok and can't believe I even had those thoughts. Has that happened to anyone? Should I tell anyone besides you guys? I don't want to have those thoughts again! That was not me at all!

Thank you so much for letting me talk. This defiantly feels better to write out your emotions.

Xoxo
Me
Posted 4/13/2009 5:51 PM (GMT 0)
Heeja!

I am sorry to hear what you are going through right now. If it feels good to write down your thoughts and share them, maybe you can do it with closer friends as well. It can be hard to share what you are going through, it can make you feel vulnerable, but the reward in form of comfort and love you get from your friends can be a thousand times worth it. And that I can tell from experience :-).

You could, for instance, just copy and paste the stuff you wrote here into an email or so, as mailing can be a lot easier to start with than an actual phone call, or a face-to-face. Also, you might want to tell whoever it is that you are visiting that you aren't feeling comfortable if they are always asking about your past. They do that for a reason though, as child traumas can have great influence today. But whether you think you hadn't any, or feel uncomfortable because of something else, it is worth discussing about. One thing I learned is that you shouldn't withhold any information from your counselor as he or she is there to help. So by telling them you are helping yourself.

And maybe you can write down for yourself what exactly is bothering you. It can feel like it is just a huge pile of things, or that your emotions have no reason for being, but most of the times I think they have. By exploring what the causes are, you can act a lot more specific to them, and thus improve better. Maybe it'll work, maybe not, but it might just be worth trying.

And just a little something I want to say. Taken things out on others, whether they are plants, animals, humans, or not-living things, usually doesn't help that much. Maybe you could try not to, by counting till ten, or asking yourself the question whether it will be the best thing to do. Maybe that by trying you will sometimes refrain from doing it. If so, you could give yourself a reward for that. In like "Heej, I didn't took it out on them! I earned a new pair of sunglasses", or anything like that.

And it is OK to have those thoughts, you are perfect in the way you are, and having those thoughts aren't degrading you in any way!

Take care!!!

Erik
Posted 4/13/2009 8:32 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Onlyme3,

Sometimes there are things in our childhood that did effect us as adults even if it wasn't traumatic. So I think maybe the therapists do have to have somewhere to start, maybe that is why they ask you about childhood. It gives them some history to work with. So don't get too frustrated with it, I would reconsider getting counselling if I were you. That way you kind of know what you are dealing with.

Try not to take your moods out on others. And also not on yourself. We can learn to control our moods through cbt. Cognitive behavioral therapy. It is a form of talk therapy. And they will go back to your childhood at times to see why you think in the manner that you do. So there is something to be said for research.

Keep trying, you are doing good as you have been through a lot. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 4/14/2009 12:22 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Only,

I agree with Karen about the counseling. Therapists need to get a bit of background so that they have the big picture of what's going on. It doesn't necessarily mean that they will stay on that topic of 'childhood'.....and you might find out something important about yourself that you didn't realize before. CBT (also mentioned by Karen above) can be really helpful. My therapist uses it, and although she DID ask me for some information on my childhood when we started, she has focused more and more on how to deal with the present challenges as I've continued with her. I hope you'll give it another shot....it could help you a great deal.

As far as the self-image goes, I think you should feel very proud of yourself for what you have accomplished so far in your life. I read in one of your other posts that you are in your twenties and own a few boutiques throughout your state. I'd say that's something to feel good about! You also said that you love your job and have a great relationship with friends and family. Those are wonderful things to have in your life, too. :-)

It sounds to me like you're suffering from depression and could use some help getting up and around again. I know you mentioned in one of your earlier posts that you had some troubles with meds, but I'm not clear on what the current situation is with that. I hope you are keeping your doc posted on your moods, so that he/she can help you in the best way possible.
Posted 4/14/2009 8:09 AM (GMT 0)
hey only, the previous posters have given u great info, me i am not tiny nor neither large, i have accepted this, beauty is more than looks & figure, my former partner, who has passed was neither tiny nor large, she is beautiful, because true beauty is much more. you are a beautiful person only, because there is only one u; unique, smart and articulate, u. luv yourself for u ok, kindest of regards, jamie.

Posted 4/14/2009 12:38 PM (GMT 0)
hi only what i was alluding to after a few coffees is that beauty is on the inside, people who this really see your beauty and those who don't but should, well............thanx 4 your courage in posting, i wish you well. i have accidently hit some keys, font changed and a tad bigger, i have healing well site a little larger, less strain, they were nice accidents, helped by my angels cheers, jamie. scool scool yeah yeah
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