I feel like I'm losing control of myself.......Please help

I don't know even where to begin...Im starting to think that I'm going crazy...but I know Im not...I just don't know what to do anymore...Anyway here it goes...Im 21 and I have a fiance and 2 kids...First of all I love my family with all my heart and soul and I would never give them up for anything.  On the other hand I feel trapped...I live in a small apartment and with the family everything never seems like its good enough.....With my oldest shes at that age she doesnt like to listen and I realize its cuz she doesnt understand but at times it can be very hard cuz she doesnt listen....then its just back and forth with the kids...when ones content the other is upset...Like I said I love my kids but they can be a handful......Anyway...then with my fiance I don't even know where to start......First of all he is a good man and a good dad...but I feel like Im never good enough no matter what I do...Like today for example I told him to lay down and I would take care of the kids because he didn't feel good...well he did..and when he woke up he started nagging me on cleaning the apartment.  With him its always something.  Like right now I currently don't have a job..not cuz I chose not to..but my promised jobs fell through.  Sometimes I just feel empty inside because of it....We fight a lot....and when we fight he calls me all the names in the book and says he hates me..He's even wished me to die more than once....Usually I can handle when he calls me all the names...but now Im gettin to a breaking point where I cant take it anymore...I thought over time i would get stronger and not care...but Im finding Im gettin weaker everytime....Then on top of all that...I hate to think this about myself...but I think I have a sex addiction problem....I think about sex a lot...and we are intimate the average amount(i think) but to me i want more....like now...we have gone id say almost 2 weeks ....and today my hands were literally shaking because of it.........I don't know what to do..I think i have one..but maybe its cuz im not gettin enough of it?  I dont know.........Then with friends....I know I have friends but I hardly ever see them it seems like...like they always want me to come see them but they dont realize that its not the easiest to lug two kids around....and it feels like the only time they come see me is for their own benefit....I just dont know who to talk to about this...Ive kept this locked up for awhile now...I wanna see a therapist or something but I cant afford it .....I picked up on smoking again because of the way I feel........I cry and I dont even know what i cry about anymore.....tonight I smoked and cried maybe hoping my fiance would comfort me..but he didnt.....I just need someone to talk to and help give me advice :-(

Hi Cherry Sunday,

That sounds so good as a matter of fact.

These guys are right about a lot of things right now, for instance, emotional abuse is abuse. You don't deserve to be treated like that. So I would think long and hard to see if you want to continue living like this. Because without counseling on his and your part, this could be detrimental to your mental health. When somebody continues to put us down llike that, eventually we can believe it. And you are a good person and don't deserve this.

Take your kids to the park or a school ground. Tire them out. Then they wont be so much to deal with at home. And remember these years are so important. They are your future memories. So spend time with them, but try to make it time to your benefit too. Wear them out so that they wont be so active when you get home.

Jamie is right about the sexual thing, it could be that you are longing for emotional support. Some comfort and love. If not, there are appliances that can help. That keeps you from going astray. Been there, done that. It really does help to settle one down. Especially if you are shaking when not getting satisfied.

I hope that this helped you some. Please keep posting so we can help you. Counseling is always the advice that we give, because it helps so much. You are in a tough place right now, but we can help give you direction. So take care my dear, keep those children's best interest at heart and you can never go wrong.

Hugs, Karen

Well this stinks I have to start this all over again....Anyway...I wanna say thank you all so much for responding to my cry out...It really means so much to me that there are people kind enough to wanna help a random stranger...for the longest time I feel as if I was my friends counselor and all to listen to them and give them advice and have someone to talk to ...but I realized now I have isses that I cant do it all by myself...I need help...And it brings a tear to my eye cuz you all are helping me...and I thank you ..........First of all with the kids...my oldest is a lil over 18 months now and I realize she has that cabin fever as bad as I do...Even worse cuz shes a kid....I do my best when the weather is nice out...we take her to the park to let her run around and to burn off some of that energy she has.....and then on the not so nice days we take her to the mall to the kids area...cuz we believe that socializing with other kids is very important and when she starts school she will feel comfortable......My youngest is approaching two months in a few days...so with her she doesnt really care...As long as she has her bottle shes happy and someone holding her......So with her shes content....But with the oldest we do try and do that for her.........
Now...with my fiancee.........I have tried telling him how I feel and everything...I wrote it down on paper so it would be understandable cuz I do better writing it then being put on the spot then I can cover everything how I feel....and with him it seems like Im talking to a brick wall.....I tell him how I feel but things dont change......I guess hes trying..but I dont feel there really is a change.......When he yells at me and says those mean things...I dont really say anything back anymore...if I do its just like a F u and thats about it...Cuz i realize how much words can hurt and I try to refrain myself from doing that....Like one thing he usually calls me when we are fighting is a *****....In the past I admit I did wrong him and I cheated on him with my ex....which if i could take it back i would....Ive been with him over a yr now and have been faithful to him and Ive told him I only want him nobody else but it  doesnt matter....he still says it...Im starting to believe all the things he says to me..Like a drunk person is more honest when they are drunk....same as being mad...when hes mad his true feeling are coming out.......He said thats his way of acting out cuz he doesnt know what else to do..thats his first instint and he says his mom was the same way.....I dont wanna go on like this forever.....One time he hurt me so much with what he was sayin that my tears just kept falling and I felt like numb...i was thinking what if i just took the car and crashed it....I didnt even care at that time....It scared me that I thought that way......cuz I dont want people to think of me as a suicidal person.....cuz Im not...

Then the whole thing with the sex thing...ya Im probably just craving that intimacy...ive told him about it...hes trying..but when we do...i dont feel that passion anymore...I dont feel those butterflies with him.........Ive actaully tried with him...like starting it ..and now I feel like a guy cuz Im always wanting to..and having to start...and thats another thing...when I do...he like signs or makes that gesture like its a job....and I hate that.....I try and not to nag him about it...so I will go for days waiting for him to make that move..but it never happens...so then I do get upset its always the same remark...Well I lawas goin to tonight and bla bla bla....he doesnt do what he says hes goin to do..so im used to him sayin...We are goin to make love tonight and then he doesnt...........I dont knoww what else to say...just thinkin about it makes me sad...I feel unwanted by him....I know with the kids ive gained weight..and Im goin on this diet..but its not helping when I dont feel desirable anymore...and all :-(