Something wrong with my brain?

Hi.
I feel like I keep hitting walls in my life.

My happiness seems to be subject to change. I am happy at times, but then the happiness disappears with depression that is triggered by incidents of betrayal and hurt in my past.
I have had so-called friends, completely lose interest in our friendship and have had one completely TAKE ADVANTAGE of my trust. I cut them loose.
Now I have trust issues. I don't quite let myself get too close to people for fear of hurt.. At times I am happy being around others but I still feel alone in the midst of others.
My self-esteem is usually low. If I am dressed my best, just ONE thing (like flat or messy hair) can throw it off.

I've been told by my aunt and mother that I need to have more self-esteem and that there is nothing wrong with me. They don't believe anything's wrong with me but there must be something in order for me to have all these overwhelming feelings. I think it's more than just depression. And I can't tell anyone my problems. My mother's already weighed down by my autistic sisters, and I can't tell her. I can't tell my aunt who doesn't want to hear the same story, I cannot tell anyone else because they all believe in a non-existent being that doesn't exist and never comes to my rescue when I am needing enlightenment and peace of mind.
So I am wondering who can I tell?
Please, can someone help?
Thanks.

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Hi!

I just wanted to say that you remind me of myself about 6 or 7 years ago. I had extremely low self-esteem, was very shy, and just always felt down. The few friends I did have seemed to take advantage of me all the time-- either getting me to do their school work, or give them rides because I had a car, or all sorts of stuff really. Neither of my parents could understand the concept of depression. They would always sit there and ask me "What makes you feel so sad? What's wrong?". And when I would honestly answer "I don't know" they just absolutely had no idea what was going on with me. Sometimes it made my dad angry. I spent almost every night crying myself to sleep and every day avoiding people as much as possible.

Unfortunately for me, this lasted until I was 21 years old. When I was younger, I was terrified of seeking medical attention. To make a long story short, I ended up in a huge fiasco while living with a friend's family, and only when I hit absolute rock bottom did I get any help. I started out with counselling. It was provided by the county and was free for me since I wasn't carrying any health insurance at the time. The counsellor I saw was a very nice woman who listened while I explained my problems, and tried to help me see the situations in a different light. She wasn't pushy at all, and completely changed my prior assumption of what counselling would be like. Still, I felt that I needed more help. I asked her about getting on an anti-depressant, so she referred me to a psychologist (also state funded) and I got on Celexa (an anti-depressant).

Since then, my life has turned around tremendously. I got a full-time job, my own apartment, bought a nice car, am paying my bills, and gradually I got rid of all the people who were taking advantage of me. I've been in a healthy relationship with a wonderful guy for about a year now. There are still some times when I feel a little down, and I think there always will be. But it's nothing compared to what it used to be. And the most important thing is that I learned to let someone know when I start feeling down so that they are aware.

I strongly reccommend that you seek medical attention. In retrospect, I know that I waited to long to do so, and could have saved myself from a lot of bad experiences if I had done so sooner. I'm not sure if you're an adult yet, so I realize you might have to ask your mother about this. You don't have to necessarily go to a psychologist-- not at first at least. You can just see your family physician. They'll either refer you to a specialist, or treat you themselves, depending on your situation. These days, my regular doctor has no problem prescribing me Celexa, and will even change the dosage if I talk to him about it.

It takes a lot of courage to speak up and tell someone you have a problem, but trust me, it's worth it. As for people who can relate and understand your problems, I'm sure there are many people on this site who have been where you are and who understand. I wish you all the best. Please keep letting us know how you're doing!

Take care!!

SaraBeth