please analyze

hi everybody,

i would first, like to thank everybody for taking time off of their watches to help people like me out. it makes me feel a lot safer knowing there is a place i can come for help before i hijack an armored vehicle. it seems like there's nobody left out there. everyone is too caught up in the hustle and bustle to give a crap about the next man, and when the next man happens to be a great guy, starving artist, who's never done anything but good in his life.. who just happens to have hit rock bottom.. it gets a pretty personal.

So, I've got a sad little tale to tell.. and I haven't really.. ever talked about it. It's nothing too far out of the ordinary, but its caused me a great deal of suffering, and I would like to talk about it. So thanks again for listening!

Ok, so to the beginning. Well.. some of my first memories are of my parents  being really strung out for cash.  No big surprise, explains the sty in her eye, the mental collapses, the poverty,  the non-stop physical, verbal, and mental abuse that went down in my child hood. It also explains the neighborhood scum she hangs around  Alright, so, coming from a great kid, who understands the importance of attitude, family, and forgiveness,   Gives birth my half sister (the only light in my life) in L.A., sends her back down to guatemala with her mother for 7 years, while she stays in the U.S. working as a live in maid, here and there, and winds up meeting the single biggest pansy in the universe. my father.

 The rest cant even be imagined. I have had to sparatically deal with him for a year or two at a time for the past 10 years when he has no job. (I am 20 and living back at home, cant seem to keep a job)

It seems really convenient and popular these days to blame your problems on your parents.

Alright, so i was with this girl for 4 years. We loved each other, we wanted to marry, i could have proposed a million times and one. right as our 4th anniversary was about to hit, we found out she was pregnant. People were happy. Even her preacher father was ecstatic. My favorite grandmother, grandfather, and uncle, all died in a 3 month period of time. The only thing going right for me is my rollerblading. ive been doing it for 15 years. im starting to fly off of rooftops, down fire escapes. which in itself, kind of worries me. but crap, even tho i can say nobody in my life understands or appreciates me, i get a thousand claps a month from kids who are almost famous and complete strangers. so .. thats been my saving grace. is having direction.
Alright, so now the nice guy who has worked passionately at his love all his life, a ticking time-bomb of success, has become convinced that life is futile and that he'll never meet anybody to give it any meaning, and .. he might be right. Frank Sinatra once said "complete and utter success, is the ultimate revenge.". But in my case.. the only people that will feel my art are the people that it has personally, physically hurt. So all the people i want to show who i have become, and all the suffering ive been through, they wont even know whats going on.

I am just going to post this before i keep going on and on. even tho i would very much like to, ill save the novel until i learn how to write.

Edit,

I am sorry I had to edit out half of your post as you have not reviewed the rules and  guidelines of HealingWell.  If you have any issues with the edits my email is wide open and you are welcome to email me.

1. No discussion of any illegal activity or threats of violence. (ie. illicit drug use, including medical marijuana use, threats of suicide or self-injury, or threatened or intended physical harm).  Discussions of suicide or self-harm that are deemed negative and therefore potentially injurious to others are also not permitted.

2. No use of explicit, obscene or vulgar language or images and/or messages, including racist remarks. 

 

12. If it shouldn’t be viewed by minors, then it shouldn’t be posted to the forums or chat rooms.  This is a public, family-friendly forum. In addition, if something would not be considered “work safe” (to a boss or co-worker), then it shouldn’t be posted.  We have members as young as 13 years old.

Thank you in advance for your understanding.

Kitt

 

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 5/13/2009 3:03:17 PM (GMT-6)

Sweetheart, you have been through so much not to mention you obviously had no parental guideance growing up.  My heart goes out to you.  I hope you can find a way to get some help and some relief!  God knows you need a break.............so give yourself one.  i don't know what to say except you can always come here and vent.  I had a relatively normal upbringing ( all families are a bit dysfunctional) and I still ended up with major depression, boarderline bipolar, post traumatic stress syndrome and I was seriously physically abused by my husband.  I hope you can turn your bad experiences into something positive, something that will maybe help someone else.

Peace

Gem

Dear Amnesiac,

I'm glad you are reaching out to people, and I did read your original story in its entirety, so I got the full scoop. Being an artist is a gift, and although I do realize it is not the most lucrative career in today's world, it is (IMO) one of the most important. Artists communicate from their hearts and souls, and they in turn touch the hearts and souls of others. I think there is some truth to the idea that the greatest and most creative artists are those who understand suffering, and you, my friend, have unfortunately suffered a great deal. You have my compassion. I hope you will not give up......sharing yourself with the world through your art is too important. You said in your original post that you felt that life was futile and you would never meet anyone to give it meaning, but I hope you can use your art as your purpose, and give meaning to your life by sharing this gift with others. You also said that you thought the only people who would really feel your art would be those who had been hurt, and IMO, aren't those the people who are in need of your expression the most? Please continue to post here, because I would like to know more of your story.

sorry, i didnt read the guidelines. i figured this was a place people could come and talk about the terrible things that go through their minds before they materialize. i cant afford professional counseling. btw.. i was so depressed yesterday i shaved my head and walked the streets all night. never a good sign. so.. is there perhaps a place where i can talk about how serious things are getting? without having to pay or risk getting banned for just needing to talk it out? well, thanks guys, for all your words of kindness and understanding. and to the folks at healingwell.com, sorry to be brash but it doesnt seem like there is a place for a morbidly depressed individual to talk it out here.. but thanks anyways, it still helped to hear from your users.. also, i would love to speak to a professional, but theres nicer ways of suggesting somebody see a shrink other than "you need to see a professional". maybe i just need to know that there is still people that care. you should put up an 18+ forum for people who really have messed up things they need to talk about. NEED to talk about. mind you. god bless.

Post Edited (amnesiac) : 5/19/2009 8:01:33 PM (GMT-6)

hey amnesiac, if i can help pls post, we do care!! i understand the shaving the head and being lost, did it a lot myself, but 4 extremely prolonged periods. disassociation!! time for the doc to help, nowadays they are well versed in diagnosis, treatments and referal. sending empathy and kindness, jamie